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Original poster

..to NOT want my student son to have a part time job?

511 replies

PrincessRollo · 09/01/2011 21:01

My husband supports me and my DS from a previous marriage. DS is in his second year of a Chemical Engineering Degree and lives away from home in a shared student flat. We own our own business, and are in a position to be able to support DS through his five year course. I met OH when DS was seven and to my utter disappointment and heartache, they have never had a particularly close relationship (to the point of causing many arguments in our marriage. I never thought it would be 'The Waltons', for one thing not enough kids...but I didn't expect them to be at such opposite ends of the spectrum. OH is a worker, DS is an academic.) However, OH has no problem supporting DS through Uni; we pay his rent and food bills. Up until last month DS had a part time job in Pizza Hut which paid his social life, extras etc. He has now given up this job, citing too much study, and promises to try to get a placement during the summer (not guaranteed.) Chem Eng is a HARD degree, and I do not want DS studies to suffer due to having to work part time. OH disagrees and says there is nothing stopping him getting another job in Asda etc. DS is not asking for more money from us - I don't know how he will cope but I guess he will buy cigs instead of food. This is causing real strain and DS and OH are now not speaking until DS gets another job.

Piggy in the middle asking for some advice.

Thanks

OP posts:
skyswept · 09/01/2011 22:23

I went to uni in england and had to pay fees and bills myself whilst working as hard as everyone else. Bills and food is plenty generous. I think your husband is being very nice already and asking for more than that is too much.

Smoking is expensive, a luxury and a choice. If he is mature enough that he chooses to smoke then he should be mature enough to fund that sort of thing himself.

If your son does well then he should have a very comfortable future. Have you considered loaning your son the money on the provision he repays it once working. That would seem like a fair and responsible solution if working is impossible.

Xenia · 09/01/2011 22:23

In fact what's to stop the mother this week getting herself a night time bar job to support the son? Or does she only think her husband should work and if so why - is it only people with a penis who support people?

readywithwellies · 09/01/2011 22:24

Montysorry - you are a class tit. Step parenting is not easy, Op's ds was 7. I don't see what the OPs husband has done wrong, not all step parents gel with their stepchildren.

Spenguin · 09/01/2011 22:24

Princess - I tried to address your work vs academia, university of life issue. I'm sure your husband could appreciate that maybe his life would have been easier with a fabulous education and why wouldn't he want the same for your son? If it would be a load off of your mind and would make you happy, why wouldn't he want to make you happy?

montysorry · 09/01/2011 22:24

The really sad thing is that a great number of those kids I taught were truly bright, articulate kids who were woefully under achieving due to circumstances.

-Sorry, off topic.

montysorry · 09/01/2011 22:27

I'm not suggesting it is easy. But as a mother, I would never enter into a sustained relationship with someone who did not 'gel' with my children.

expatinscotland · 09/01/2011 22:27

'In fact what's to stop the mother this week getting herself a night time bar job to support the son?'

I did suggest this, Xenia, long before she told you to fuck off, but of course, it's not possible for her to do so.

I wonder what the OP's husband would think if he read this, particularly about how he doesn't understand academia (how could he, never went to university?!) and is of the children-up-chimneys dilemma, when he's (and she's) actually supporting the son by paying rent, essentials and money for food.

scotsgirl23 · 09/01/2011 22:28

I'm with the "he should work" crowd I'm afraid, and no, I'm not old or anti uni. In fact, I'm at uni, in my final year, currently on maternity leave from the full time job I have held down the whole way through.

Many, many of my fellow students don't work (having any job is actually fairly unusual on my course) however, whilst it may have had an impact on my studies, job experience has given me a HUGE advantage when it has come to securing graduate employment. He should consider this - graduate jobs aren't easy to come by at the moment.

AnyFucker · 09/01/2011 22:28

PR, your Op was very misleading

I think there is much more to this than you said, tbh

I apologise if I got hold of the wrong end of the stick

it seems your problem is with your husband, not your son

not a nice position to be in, defending your offspring against their father

I do still think he should be doing something towards his own upkeep though

Spenguin · 09/01/2011 22:29

How can the husband understand university life though?!

I can't understand what life would be like running my own business because I've never done it or anything close!

PrincessRollo · 09/01/2011 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

gasman · 09/01/2011 22:29

If he hasn't asked for extra money then don't give it.

If he can't work during term time (and some courses are such that it is difficult) then he needs to save money from his holiday jobs to cover his term time 'extra's'.

I worked part time during years 1- 3 of my degree. The workload increased in years 4-6 (and there was an unfortunate clustering of crap life events ) and I had to give up my job.

I had however know this was likely to happen although perhaps a bit later than it did so had quite a lot of money saved and still managed to do lots of sports trips, and have an adventurous elective.

If he has no money saved then he will just have to reign it in until the next set of holidays.

The odd extra tenner from my Mum and tanks of fuel from my Dad did make a difference (don't get started on students and cars. I needed it. OK).

Original poster
PrincessRollo · 09/01/2011 22:30

'Empire' should be in tongue in cheek coding.

OP posts:
RevoltingPeasant · 09/01/2011 22:30

Princess

Sorry haven't read all posts yet but: your DS is absolutely doing the right thing in giving up his work if he feels it is affecting his studies.

I did a degree at a competitive uni and did not have (actually we weren't allowed) to work during term. And as for non-working students not having a work ethic...? I was in the library at 8am. Bollocks to that.

Trust me, if he gets a first-class degree it will affect the rest of his life. I did and it opened doors to me (job offers, funding for PG work) that just would not have been there otherwise. I think your DS is quite grown-up, actually; he is seeing that he cannot afford something and giving it up, altho' it means cutting down on his social life.

As for all those who are saying 'Life isn't just about academics' blah blah - fine - but then don't waste your time and your tutors' time doing a degree.

Princess you have obviously raised him well and when he has his hard-fought top degree you will feel so proud of him.

readywithwellies · 09/01/2011 22:30

Princess - don't alienate your public Grin

montysorry · 09/01/2011 22:31

Ah! Now, I understand why you married a man who didn't 'gel' with your son. Hmm

PartialToACupOfMilo · 09/01/2011 22:31

WHen I was at uni (not THAT long ago) we weren't allowed to work during term time. Those who did risked being found out and sent down, so very very few people did. Quite a few did, however, work during the holidays. I, for example, worked local to home over Christmas and Easter (waitressing) and in Austria or France over the longer Christmas breaks. I had to, my parents weren't supporting me, but it also helped me academically (the summer work) as I was studying modern languages. Is there any way your son could do something similar and find a paid summer placement and something more local for the shorter breaks, while keeping term time free for academic work? Not really sure how these things work for the science industry.

expatinscotland · 09/01/2011 22:31

'I should not have to explain myself to you (and I thought I asked you to fuck off.)'

It's not for you to use personal affronts like that to other posters, that's in the Talk Guidlines as linked at the top of every page.

If you want a place where you can tell people to fuck off and then expect them to obey your orders, this isn't it.

PrincessRollo · 09/01/2011 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Spenguin · 09/01/2011 22:32

MontySorry - stop! I've got the Mrs Merton to Debbie McGee scene playing in my head now.

AnyFucker · 09/01/2011 22:33

PR...I think you should fuck off, tbh

any support you had so far has just been negated by your last post

montysorry · 09/01/2011 22:33
Grin
AnyFucker · 09/01/2011 22:34

and the post before that (slow typing)

readywithwellies · 09/01/2011 22:34

So Princess, whats the plan of action?

expatinscotland · 09/01/2011 22:35

PMSL! I've been here 7 years with two namechanges I used of a single evening respectively. Yes, I'm a troll! That's even more fun that being a fruitcake of hate :o

But carry on, I'm having loads of fun reporting all your posts so you get to join our 'Message deleted by Mumsnet' club.