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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

..to NOT want my student son to have a part time job?

511 replies

PrincessRollo · 09/01/2011 21:01

My husband supports me and my DS from a previous marriage. DS is in his second year of a Chemical Engineering Degree and lives away from home in a shared student flat. We own our own business, and are in a position to be able to support DS through his five year course. I met OH when DS was seven and to my utter disappointment and heartache, they have never had a particularly close relationship (to the point of causing many arguments in our marriage. I never thought it would be 'The Waltons', for one thing not enough kids...but I didn't expect them to be at such opposite ends of the spectrum. OH is a worker, DS is an academic.) However, OH has no problem supporting DS through Uni; we pay his rent and food bills. Up until last month DS had a part time job in Pizza Hut which paid his social life, extras etc. He has now given up this job, citing too much study, and promises to try to get a placement during the summer (not guaranteed.) Chem Eng is a HARD degree, and I do not want DS studies to suffer due to having to work part time. OH disagrees and says there is nothing stopping him getting another job in Asda etc. DS is not asking for more money from us - I don't know how he will cope but I guess he will buy cigs instead of food. This is causing real strain and DS and OH are now not speaking until DS gets another job.

Piggy in the middle asking for some advice.

Thanks

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 09/01/2011 21:23

Well...

If I possibly could, I would support my children so they didn't have to work.

I didn't have a job. I worked hard, and got a good degree, managed my limited finances (and still do!) and developed a good work ethic. I worked during the summer holidays, but that was it.

I'm not sure it will be within our means by the time our DC go to college though.

FaffTastic · 09/01/2011 21:23

I worked part time throughout uni as did most of my friends. You and your OH do enough by paying his rent and bills. If he needs extras he should get a job. Part of being a student is learning how to balance study commitments with work commitments. Yabu.

taintedpaint · 09/01/2011 21:24

I'm leaning towards your DH's perspective. I have been to university so I do understand the pressures, but it's not so bad that you can't work alongside the course. And I'm in my 20's so it wasn't a million years ago that I was there.

What will you do if your DS asks for more money and your DH refuses? From what I see, that's where you're going to butt heads.

ilythia · 09/01/2011 21:25

Do we all need to repost stating that we went to uni or not?

My job was friday and saturday nights for a taxi firm, didn't affect my studies but stopped me going out too much. Friends worked as bar staff, leaflet deliveries, saturday shifts in shops.

PrincessRollo · 09/01/2011 21:25

Spenguin - he is not asking for extra.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/01/2011 21:25

I know ilythia Hmm

how fucking patronising

portaloo · 09/01/2011 21:26

You say that your DH supports your DS and yourself, so is it possible for you to get a job to give your DS the extra he needs? Surely this would ease the tension between your DH and DS wrt the level of support your DS requires.

(Sorry, I got abit confused by OP, and am not sure if you are actively working in the jointly owned business, or if you are more of a sleeping partner.)

Imarriedafrog · 09/01/2011 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 09/01/2011 21:26

'Well...

If I possibly could, I would support my children so they didn't have to work.'

They already do.

They pay his rent and food bills.

His job was for fags, social life and extras.

As the OPs son is not asking for extra money, then don't give it.

montysorry · 09/01/2011 21:26

I had to be in every day when I was doing my PGCE but, I still needed to support myself so worked evenings in bars and at the weekend. At one point I was doing a through the night cleaning job and going straight from there to lectures. Not recommended but I managed for 2mths on little sleep simply to pay my bills.

Many students on his course will be doing the same hours but getting no help from home whatsoever. Also, student loans aren't means tested, are they? He can apply for a student loan to see him through these next through years-not much as you're paying his board and lodge but enough to see him through. That's what the vast majority of students do.

Seona1973 · 09/01/2011 21:29

I was at uni in scotland and worked part time in a supermarket - 2 evenings and a saturday all day. During holidays I did a lot of overtime.

readywithwellies · 09/01/2011 21:29

OP - As stated in my post, McDonalds will give students one shift a week, especially if he is willing to do a Friday evening or Saturday.
Also, they will let you have unpaid time off when exams are on. You have to request this but they are usually OK.

expatinscotland · 09/01/2011 21:30

'He smokes. Big deal. So did I from 15 - 42, (till I discovered Allen Carr) so it would be hypocrytical of me to get annoyed about it.'

Yes, it's a big deal. About £6/pack.

I used to smoke, I see nothing hypocritical about not funding my childrens' cigaretee habit, should they develop one (and I really hope they don't).

As this appears to mean so much to you, how about you find another job or sell something to give him the extra money?

PrincessRollo · 09/01/2011 21:31

For the record, he has worked - since at school from the age of 16 - in Pizza Hut. He transferred when he moved cities to go to Uni. It is not static shifts...he gets phoned at all hours and asked to go in, and it is one hour travelling time in total. He handed in notice a few days ago as he has some big exams coming up this month and he told me he just could not cope, and the whole time he was making pizza he was thinking he should be in the Library studying. He is not asking for extra money, he says he will manage on what we already give him. He gets no student loan. He just wants to do well on his course...should I take this as a sign he is struggling, or a sign he is taking the piss??

Shit I am confused :(

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/01/2011 21:33

there is no way on earth I would fund somebody else's smoking habit

if he wants to smoke, he funds it himself

you (or his father) already bank roll his lodgings and food

that is more than enough

you need to get a grip, OP

expatinscotland · 09/01/2011 21:33

he hasn't asked for extra money, Princess.

let it lie.

he needs to learn to struggle and cope on his own.

he's not being left with no shelter or money for food.

PrincessRollo · 09/01/2011 21:34

It's up to him if he smokes! People keep telling me he is an adult...what am I supposed to do, get the Ciggy Police to make sure he isn't spending his food money on fags from 300 miles away?

OP posts:
mjovertherainbow · 09/01/2011 21:34

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AnyFucker · 09/01/2011 21:34

ok, as a student, a job with a 1 hour commute is unreasonable

he needs to look for something more local

not just roll over and give up

mjovertherainbow · 09/01/2011 21:35

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readywithwellies · 09/01/2011 21:36

ilythia and anyfucker Grin

OP - you obviously disagree with your husband. Maybe you should address the underlying issues before patronising people who are trying to help?

Many of us have been to uni (they even let me in!), worked almost full time and still came away with a 'GOOD' degree. I also know how much things cost and didn't have my mummy to bail me out when I run out of Marlboros. Your son does not have special circumstances and in the situation you have described, I think your own guilt is clouding your judgement.

mjovertherainbow · 09/01/2011 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PrincessRollo · 09/01/2011 21:38

Yes, half an hour each way on the bus.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/01/2011 21:38

wellies Grin

arentfanny · 09/01/2011 21:38

As a student I worked every holidays full time to earn extra meony to support myself, the only reason why I didn't wor in term time was the fact that it was 9-5 lectures with a ot of studying after that finished, so I am sorry he needs to deal with the reality of life.

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