to be pissed off that DH told me infront of inlaws to go back to work?

[kanchan]

Spent New Years with inlaws.....conversation turned to work and DH started going on about how I should get back to work now the kids are all at school. I stated the obvious.....kids are all under 9, who would take/pick up from school, what about when they're ill and also I don't want the stress of it all now. He suggested I could do some work from home seeing as I must have so much free time on my hands....anyone else feel so unappreciated?

getorf

I have a close friend with 4 messy boys (7 to 12) - run ragged very busy with homework/cooking/cleaning/food shopping/co-ordinating exciting things for the kids/supporting school events/dealing with many sick children (1 every three weeks it seems)school drop off and pick ups/tons of school clubs. Shes up at 6 with them and kids go to bed about 9.30 so the day is a long one. She works 3 hours a week with complex teenagers but hubby works long hours/commutes and also doesn't really do anything round the house. She goes to a gym class three times a week during the school day which is about the only thing she does for herself ever. She is far from lazy and hardly sits down to be honest - i can see how having a big family can keep you busy. She is a great mum and her kids really reflect all the time and thought she has put into bringing them up.

At DC's prep school, the only children being picked up on time are those with nannies.

The rest of us use the after school care if we can

We also joke that the holiday club is fecking useless to those that work - 10am til 4pm.

And is packed with the children of SAHMs who want a bit of peace.

See, I don't particularly like my job (in a high street bank). However, i went back 3 days a week after a year of mat leave with ds and will do the same after a year off with dd.

I don't have to for financial reasons but I do because i like to earn my own money. Also, after working at the same company my ptime salary is now £16k a year which i will not give up to spend 5 days a week with the kids going slowly mad .

So when the kids are at school i won't be in the "stressful" situation of trying to find a job that fits school hours and pays a pittance.

thinking ahead you see

Having said that, yanbu to think that your dh was being a total twonk to bring this up in front of the in laws.

Oh and i pay for the childcare needed when i'm at work. seems fair as dh pays for most other things. I still have enough left over each month to run a car, pay my credit card bill, buy my own clothes.

Just think how much extra money we'll have when both kids are at school!

Yes - agree about telling you in front of in laws.

My dh chatted to my inlaws (in front of me) about how he was considering a vasectomy! MIL said she didn't think it was fair in case DH wanted to father more children if something happened to me!!! And that I should think about sterilisation. I was gobsmacked.

Leaning this thread now, before I say something that gets me a flaming. Op, talk to DH and tell him how you feel. Good luck.

Your DH was out of order bringing this up in front of others.... but maybe he feels a bit hard done by that he is the main breadwinner while, in his eyes, you sit at home pissing around on mumsnet. Maybe he brought it up when and how he did to graner support for his cause? Still unfair but it is frustrating when you have a point to make and the other person will not listen.

If a school hours job is not available and you have to take an evening job is your DH happy to shoulder the childcare/chores/etc while you're at work?

Fine if he wants you to shoulder some of the financial responsibilities but it works both ways too.

wow!!! Just went out to do my nails and hair and there's over 200 comments on this thread;)

I've read all your views with interest....a bit too much emphasis on the hours it takes to do housework, that's not the point at all.
The point is this....

1 He shouldn't have brought this up infront of his parents

2 We don't need the money, so why complicate our lives just so that I can have a career back that I don't necessarily want

3 I enjoy picking my kids up from school and taking them to sporting activities etc...if I work I'd have to employ a nanny to do this which would just swallow up my income

4 I work very hard, 24 hours a day. DH works hard too and he's away often. That's why I do the bulk of the housework/kid work because I appreciate his efforts. Problem is he doesn't seem to appreciate mine.And that's a very big problem.

So I guess then - you just have to illustrate to your DH just how much you do whilst he's at work.

Can he say that in your shoes, he'd work as well? Me thinks not.

Maybe your DH would like to pick up your DC. Did you ever ask him? And as for 'we don't need the money', is that your decision to make or should it be a joint one.

Just because you're happy with the current arrangements doesn't mean he is. Maybe he'd like to work a little less and spend more time with his children. Why do only you get that option?

So DH is away often? see to me that makes a difference. I work PT right now 20 hours a week over 5 days works great but me and DP have talked about what happens when he gets his artic lorry license as if he's away for days on end at a time he wouldn't expect me to work at all as I'd effectively be doing everything on my own day to day. And we'd have more money so me working would be appreciated but not needed as much as it is now.

I probably still would work tbh (have always worked since I was 16 except for 7-8 months after DD was born) but there wouldn't be that pressure IYSWIM.

I know some men who find the idea of a sahm unattractive when the person they initially were attracted to was in the workp[lace Could it be that?It sounds dreadful but does happen.have you changed a lot?

If you work so hard "24 hours a day" when the hell do you sleep?

When on epartner works away a lot it does make a huge difference as to whether it is viable for the other partner to work.

The ideas of sharing school runs, sickness emergencies etc are simply not achievable.

So it boils down to avaiable child care.

DH and I discussed the possiblity of a nanny, but he is far too private to want anyone in our home. Also, you do need to earn a decent amount to pay one.

Rahter than argue with your DH about these things, why not discuss them rationally?

I've not read all of this yet, so apologies if I repeat anything, but I'm so angry about some of the attitudes on here that I have to post now.

When someone becomes a SAHP, it is usually a decision made by the couple together. One partner accepts the burden of being sole breadwinner, the other accepts the burden of losing out on pension/getting left behind in their career.

The OPs DH has benefitted from the OP being a SAHM. He hasn't had to worry about what happens when the kids are sick/on school holidays etc. If he has 'enabled' her to SAH, then he certainly hasn't suffered by it careerwise.

Now it seems he wants to have his cake and eat it. He now deems that the OPs use as a SAHM is over and appears not to care about what she has given up in terms of career progression, in order to look after their DC, while his career carried on unaffected by the fact that he is now a parent.

I do not think the OP should have to take a low paid job or use childcare for her DC if she doesn't want to, just because her 'D'H has made a unilateral decision. Seems to me he's just resentful because she now has some time to herself during the day.

So OP, I think you should take the time to find a fulfilling career and let you husband explain to his boss how he won't be in work because the kids have chicken pox/teacher training day.

I also don't like this idea that the OP may not understand the family finances. I am a SAHM and can account for our money down to the last penny. I also don't like this idea that a SAHP is somehow leaching off the partner in paid employment. The children are the responsibility of the couple jointly and they need to be looked after as much as money needs to be brought in to the household.

I do consider it wrong to dig at his wife, particularly in company

Well said Karmabeliever

I think whether the OP's DH was being unreasonable (leaving aside the obvious issue of the public conversation) depends on what his attitude is to what the OP does.

If he thinks she does nothing, or that the life of a SAHM is nothing but coffee and shopping, then he is being unreasonable.

If he thinks that now that the children are in school, there should be a redistribution of the financial/childcare burden and he is willing to help out more in the house so that the OP can bring in some more money, then no, he is not being unreasonable.

SAHMs work very hard - I am now part-time and actually smetimes find full days of childcare more stressful than being at work. But once the children are in school then inevitably the burden of the SAHM decreases enormously. At that point, I don't see why it is a problem to at least look around at the options. I find the comment about not wanting the stress of a job a little concerning, I have to say. Who does?

Working 24 hours a day - sorry, OP but unless there is a lot we are not hearing about, that is simply an exaggeration. When I was working full time and caring for a 6 month old baby the rest of the time, I couldn't lay claim to working 24 hours!

Now I remember why I don't look at this topic AIBU often!

It really doesn't seem that many of these posters actually care about what is best for their Children.

I think OPs point 3 above is the essence, she enjoys spending time with her children and is in a position to do so financially!

Sure if it's not for you best to send them elsewhere but please don't ridicule mothers who choose to be at home!

"When someone becomes a SAHP, it is usually a decision made by the couple together"

Yes, and I've never met a couple who made an agreement for the person to be a SAHP forever

Usually school age is mentioned.

So why should the OP get to unilaterally decide that she never has to work again or that she alone gets to decide when to return.

Another newbie who has enjoyed this thread :o

The thing that makes me most rolly eyed about discussions like this is the way in which women, in order to justify their won life choices, feel the need to slag off other people's hmm

SAHMs are called lazy and not "contributing"

Working moms are accused of "shoving" their kids into childcare

It saddens me that some moms feel so insecure about their choices that they need to diss other people's :(

FWIW I am a FT working, self-employed, single mother to two kids aged 10 and 7 and I would be bored out of my brain if I didn't work

I quite patently does not take all day every day to run a house efficiently - either that or I'm doing it wrong

The bit that made me raise my eyebrows, OP, was the bit about not wanting the stress. Ermm, that made you sound just a teeny bit unreasonable I think.

Well said Karma.

I am sahm with a partner who works entirely unpredictable hours and often goes away for a couple of nights at a day's notice. He was in South Africa for 5 weeks earlier this year. He works almost every weekend, sometimes both days.

There's sahm and sahm, imho.