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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off that DH told me infront of inlaws to go back to work?

510 replies

kanchan · 04/01/2011 11:36

Spent New Years with inlaws.....conversation turned to work and DH started going on about how I should get back to work now the kids are all at school. I stated the obvious.....kids are all under 9, who would take/pick up from school, what about when they're ill and also I don't want the stress of it all now. He suggested I could do some work from home seeing as I must have so much free time on my hands....anyone else feel so unappreciated?

OP posts:
Meikyo · 04/01/2011 15:28

Kanchan,

Must be great to have the time to get your hair and nails done!!! I am a separated single Mum of one DD age 8. Its a Bank Holiday where I am today but normally I work full time (always have done, apart from 6 months Mat leave). I pay a childminder for after school care 5 days a week and an early evening nanny on Mondays and Tues as I coach martial arts (I don't get paid for that). Only time I get to get my hair done (or indeed do anything for myself, including exercise) is when exH has DD (which are few and far between at present). I do need the money I get working full time as ex H is unemployed ( he was previously on Incapacity/ESA)and pays zero for child support....
Also - hope it never happens to you, but I was certainly grateful for my ability to earn my own money when marriage broke down. I do however think your H unfair to raise topic in front of PILs

CurrySpice · 04/01/2011 15:28

24 hours a day?! That's just ridiculous OP hmm

Litchick · 04/01/2011 15:29

martha - you are not a delicate little flower, unable to survive the cut and thrust of AIBU, surely?

A bunch of strangers on the internet think another stranger should discuss the possibility of working with her DH...and you are feeling upset. Sheesh woman.

Original poster
kanchan · 04/01/2011 15:29

sorry, when I say I work 24 hours a day I mean that I'm the one who gets up in the middle of the night when one of the children wakes up.
With 4 of them, 2 being light sleepers, this happens a lot

OP posts:
narkypuffin · 04/01/2011 15:29

Just imagine a woman posting that her DH was refusing to even discuss getting a job and that she was forced to work all hours to support the household and rarely got to see her children.

Original poster
kanchan · 04/01/2011 15:30

I was joking about having just had my hair and nails done....I thought that was obvious......

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 04/01/2011 15:30

OK OP - what do you think single parents that work do?

PonceyMcPonce · 04/01/2011 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Litchick · 04/01/2011 15:32

I assumed you were having a laugha bout thatWink.

Though I do have a mani every Friday Blush

expatinscotland · 04/01/2011 15:34

I'm glad to see 100% of schools where everyone lives have breakfast and after-school clubs.

Must be nice.

'But they are sponging if their DHs aren't happy to carry the entire financial burden.'

Then he's sponging, too, if he's not happy to carry his share of the housework/childcare burden if/when his partner goes to work.

'Men - huh?'

Men who are twats, maybe, but not all men.

TandB · 04/01/2011 15:34

marthastewart Tue 04-Jan-11 15:23:06
Now I remember why I don't look at this topic AIBU often!

It really doesn't seem that many of these posters actually care about what is best for their Children.

I think OPs point 3 above is the essence, she enjoys spending time with her children and is in a position to do so financially!

Sure if it's not for you best to send them elsewhere but please don't ridicule mothers who choose to be at home!

I am not sure where to start.

  1. Disagreeing with some of what the OP said (which is what most posters have done) does not equate to the ridiculing of SAHMs

  2. Disagreeing with the OP in whole or in part does not equate to not caring about their own children. What an unfounded, rude, inflammatory comment

  3. The OP can't spend time with her children when they are in school - it is presumably the school hours that are up for debate when it comes to the DH's suggestion.

  4. "If it's not for you, best to send them elsewhere". Words actually fail me. Sort of.

  5. What do you mean about not looking at AIBU? Didn't you introduce yourself as "new to all this"?

OP - is this a wind-up? Your comment about popping out to get hair and nails done has set alarm bells ringing...

Litchick · 04/01/2011 15:34

curry utterly ignore those posters who start banging on about how Mothers who work don't crae about their children.

The vast majority of folk, whether they are WOHP or SAHPs or anything in the middle, know full well that we all do the best we can.

Trying to hurt women by saying vile things just shows them for what they are. An dit has nothing to do with thwir work status.

EdgarAleNPie · 04/01/2011 15:36

i am a bit Hmm at some of the responses (i have reached page 4)

i am currently sole breadwinner. does that make me God?

i think not.

these comments 'maybe being sole breadwinner puts him under too much pressure' FFS. maybe being main carer for their kids and house puts her under too much pressure?

doing your job is not 'too much pressure' or of it is, your wife having a job, or not, isn't going to help. if anything, he'd have to take on more at hom and be under even more pressure if she did have a paid job!

SAHMS are not sat at home doing bugger all - and for 13 weeks a year, bank hols and Inset days, and other weekdays before 9am and after 3pm they still have full time childcare duties until their kids are old enough to get to and from school alone.

unles you really want to work, unless the money really is needed, why the hell should you?

CurrySpice · 04/01/2011 15:37

Very true Litchick - do I know you? Wink

It happens to me in RL too - it makes me crosser than almost anything else on earth

should be working

expatinscotland · 04/01/2011 15:37

'Just imagine a woman posting that her DH was refusing to even discuss getting a job and that she was forced to work all hours to support the household and rarely got to see her children.'

Wouldn't make a jot of difference to me.

Children need childcare, households produce work.

Either one partner provides it all, they work together to both provide it or they pay to outsource it.

marthastewart · 04/01/2011 15:38

Gosh I'm not upset for me! Don't think I mentioned the word upset at all"
Just a bit bewildered at the lack of consideration for what is in the childrens' best interest!
She enjoys being with her children and bringing them up herself, she is in a position to do so financially!

Yet there does seem to be an element of hostility from those who choose to go out to work,

Why would that be?

To be honest I think her gut instinct, to raise her kids herself is the best for them and the true meaning of thinking ahead.

grumpywitch · 04/01/2011 15:39

I work 16hrs a week, as a nurse, which means two 7am drop offs to school walker/ and nursery.
Dh is in the military so I cannot consider him when it comes to childcare. We could not manage on our wages, but if we could, I like the time at work.
At the end of the day, it is something that should have been discussed in private, and something that has been playing on his mind.
I have only the two children to worry about, and that wipes out most of my wages, I couldnt imagine the huge cost in paying out for four, ven it is is school walkers, as it all adds up.

(hi Curry :) )

CurrySpice · 04/01/2011 15:39

That means I should be working, not the OP Blush not used to the smileys yet Blush

grumpywitch · 04/01/2011 15:39

Should be, manage on his wages alone..

grumpywitch · 04/01/2011 15:40

I find the smileys hard, and I want 3) smiley

CurrySpice · 04/01/2011 15:40

Hi Grumpy :)

Litchick · 04/01/2011 15:41

Edgar of course it doesn't make a sole breadwinner 'God'.

But I can only say that I am sure I would hate it.

I would find it too much pressure. I'd worry all the time that my job was secure etc.
So I wouldn't be suprised if many men felt that way.

FWIW, DH never has or would, so I'm not extrapolating from that. Whether I work or not has always been about other practical issues, not finance tbh.

TandB · 04/01/2011 15:43

"the true meaning of thinking ahead."

I have no idea what this means. I am thinking ahead. I am thinking ahead to the time when I am not required in the home full-time. I am thinking ahead to my pension. I am thinking ahead to our old-age when we can look back on our lives and have no resentments or regrets regarding our mutual decisions for our family.

Litchick · 04/01/2011 15:49

Martha - thinking ahead cannot be done as one off decision.

Life and plans need constant re-evaluation.

And doing what is best for the children, is not somehting that can be decided as a one off. The needs of children change constantly, as do the synamics of a family.

What my DC need today is vastly different from what they needed at birth. As are my own needs. As are my DH's.

Also, you realis eover the course of a family life, that no-one's needs, be it the children of the either of the parents simply trump the others. Everything must be balnaced.

narkypuffin · 04/01/2011 15:50

Expat, they decide together though.

If they decide that one will SAH great but it's not something that one person alone gets to decide.

What's best for the children is usually to have a happy home life and access to both parents. If one parent is angry and resentful of the other and feels they're missing out on family life that's probably not best for the children.

Some fathers would love to be the SAHP, some would sign up for overtime at the the thought of it. The point is that there has to be agreement between the parents. Obviously that includes things like childcare and housework too.