Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off that DH told me infront of inlaws to go back to work?

510 replies

kanchan · 04/01/2011 11:36

Spent New Years with inlaws.....conversation turned to work and DH started going on about how I should get back to work now the kids are all at school. I stated the obvious.....kids are all under 9, who would take/pick up from school, what about when they're ill and also I don't want the stress of it all now. He suggested I could do some work from home seeing as I must have so much free time on my hands....anyone else feel so unappreciated?

OP posts:
JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 04/01/2011 14:24

SAHM shouldn't be made to feel as though they are sponging off DHs if they want to remain at home

But they are sponging if their DHs aren't happy to carry the entire financial burden.

bronze · 04/01/2011 14:24

Saggy - you ok? if this was a different site I might be more fluffy

mayorquimby · 04/01/2011 14:26

"This "living off" your partner business is absurd. MY DH are a team who decided to add to "our team" by having DC. They are our joint responsibility.

No one would dare suggest that the working partner "sponges off" the SAH parent by receiving free childcare and housekeeping services, but somehow it is perfectly acceptable to imply that a SAH parent is in someway a leach on the working partners finances.
"

which is completely true if both are happy and you are acting as a team as you say.
In this case it's a unilateral decision by the OP when clearly her dh feels differently. Not much team-work in that.

Animation · 04/01/2011 14:26

A lot of you are talking about the work issue - which I think is besides the point.

What srikes strikes me is what a LITTLE SHIT this guy is - talking to the OP like this in front of his parents!!

NancyDrewHasaClue · 04/01/2011 14:27

jenai not any more than their DH's are taking the piss expecting their wives to provide free childcare and housekeeping services for them.

narkypuffin · 04/01/2011 14:28

NancyDrew I do actually try and stand up for her- though I don't get on with her too well. She and FIL raised the kids to believe you are what you do, work is all. So it's not really that surprising that they don't respect her. They treat her like a child. One SIL has actually told her to her face that she wasted her life.

mutznutz · 04/01/2011 14:28

Again I agree Martha. I have friends whose children are in childcare while they work long hours. Some do because they have to and some do because they 'want' to and couldn't imagine not driving expensive cars and wearing designer clothing.

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/01/2011 14:30

There won't be a state pension by the time we get there.

You cannot bank on that or you won't have a pot to piss in.

pink4ever · 04/01/2011 14:31

Animation-exactly my point! the dh was a complete arse for bringing it up in front of inlaws(and I am the lazy cow/sahm who sponges of dh in the eyes of my inlaws=not that they would dare say it to my faceAngry

blindassasin · 04/01/2011 14:32

It is completely unaccptable to discuss this in front of his parents - or anyone for that matter!

But... he has a point 'don't want the stress of it all' are you for real?

vintageteacups · 04/01/2011 14:32

litchickI was only talking about the state pension - people can still pay into a private pension even if they don't work (yes, I know it would be from the money DH earnt)

Jenai Obviously they don't just sit on my kneee and eat biscuits but they do love to chat to me, do thier homework, watch some tv, do art work. They have friends over for playdates too, which is something their friends who have working parents cannot do very often, which is a shame.

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/01/2011 14:32

"Some do because they have to and some do because they 'want' to and couldn't imagine not driving expensive cars and wearing designer clothing"

The selfish bastards Shock

Litchick · 04/01/2011 14:33

Nancy it would be utterly wrong for a DH to insist his wife not work. But equally, it is utterly wrong for someone to insist they don't work and be provided for, no?

The point is that these decisions need to be jointly made, taking into consideration all the various issues.

TheBolter · 04/01/2011 14:33

OP- what if it were you working ft while your dh was at home all day?

Would you expect him to try to find a job?

If the answer to the above is a sincere and wholehearted 'NO', then YANBU.

NancyDrewHasaClue · 04/01/2011 14:34

MayorQ the point is the argument re "living off your partner" totally fails to address that without that partner caring for four children the responsibility would fall on the DH.

He cannot undertake that role because he works. If he had to fund someone else in that role it would, I dare say, cost an awful lot more than what his wife will earn at work. A point that is rarely acknowledged by those who believe SAH parents simply "live off" their partners.

Not all contribuitions can and should be reduced to money.

Animation · 04/01/2011 14:34

I'd start divorce proceedings and send him back home to him mummy and daddy.

blindassasin · 04/01/2011 14:36

NancyDrewHasaClue answering for jennai...

How is it 'free childcare and housekeeping'??

Presumably he pays rent/bills/food/entertainment for OP... Now the kids are at school and childcare is minimum hours he could pay someone about £400 a month to do this work... I bet OP costs him more than that!

But yes, whether it is right or wrong that she doesnt work is besides the point, it is between the two of them, not the inlaws.

For what its worth - as he isnt happy with the arrangement, I would suggest OP needs to respect that and start paying her own way.

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/01/2011 14:36

"They have friends over for playdates too, which is something their friends who have working parents cannot do very often, which is a shame."

There is a reason for working FT from birth right there Wink

cunexttuesonline · 04/01/2011 14:36

I haven't read all of this but just wanted to point out that IME most offices are quite flexible wrt start/finish times and working from home as long as you put the hours in and get the job done.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 04/01/2011 14:37

Having a dual income means we can afford the mortgage and various fripperies. I don't work to buy the flash stuff, but as I do work, I can afford to run a rather lovely car. One income wouldn't pay the bills basically - two means we're pretty well off.

I guess we're lucky though. We manage our hours so that ds only has to go to afterschool club once a week. It's doable, if you have a good employer.

blindassasin · 04/01/2011 14:37

Divorce proceedings! Then she'll have to work!

Litchick · 04/01/2011 14:38

vintage I think that if either partner stops working, it is essential that both private pensions are kept up.

I don't believe there will be sufficient NI contributions to pay state pensions to all in the nest ten years. We are already massively in deficit.

A governemnt will grasp this nettle at some point (or keep nudging the retirement gae higher and higher).

So when a couple decide that one person will stay at home, they must work out how they will keep paying into their pensions.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 04/01/2011 14:40

Grin GOML I regularly hate pick ups. Ds is invariably grumpy, and this time of year he doesn't get to play out much after school.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 04/01/2011 14:41

Gah - posted too early.

At this time of year he's far better off playing with a bunch of other kids at afterschool club.

blindassasin · 04/01/2011 14:42

lol getofmoiland

Plus if your child is with a childminder, every day is a play date day as they have their little buddies around them for a few hours after school every day.

Can i also say that i worked out as I work full time and my daughter is with her childminder after school for 3 hours a day I am with her for just 15 hours a week less than a stay at home mum... thats 153 hours to their 168... hardly worth sacrificing an entire second income for is it?