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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off that DH told me infront of inlaws to go back to work?

510 replies

kanchan · 04/01/2011 11:36

Spent New Years with inlaws.....conversation turned to work and DH started going on about how I should get back to work now the kids are all at school. I stated the obvious.....kids are all under 9, who would take/pick up from school, what about when they're ill and also I don't want the stress of it all now. He suggested I could do some work from home seeing as I must have so much free time on my hands....anyone else feel so unappreciated?

OP posts:
Chandon · 04/01/2011 14:02

madame deathstar:

"I find that the free time I get during the day is balanced out by the free time DH gets in the evenings and weekends by not having to do any household tasks."

that is it, exactly.

altinkum · 04/01/2011 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vintageteacups · 04/01/2011 14:04

about that he was, yes.

I can't win though because over xmas, when I had to work as I had deadline by new year eve, he sat and moaned that I shouldn't be doing it over xmas! I was like "well, you're only sitting there, it's not like we were putting off a day trip or anything".

Men - huh?

DaisySteiner · 04/01/2011 14:04

My kids love their after-school club. I just asked ds1 if he'd like me to take the day off so I could pick him up straight from school on his birthday. He said he'd rather go to his club as all his friends are there and he loves it.

marthastewart · 04/01/2011 14:04

Hello,
I'm new to this and hope it's ok to chip in! but

is it not important to consider what's best for the children also?

If the OP is financially able to be at home and raise her kids then is not the optimum situation?

I believe that it certainly would be for the children involved, they get to be with a parent after their school day when they might need some emotional support or someone caring to take time with homework or just to chill out in their own homes, I do understand that this is not possible for every family but if, as OP has said it is financially viable in their case, then why not give them the best you can?

AnnieLobeseder · 04/01/2011 14:07

mutznutz - fair enough, apologies. But your post did sound like another "WOHMs don't care about their children" post, there are so many of them that it's easy to be too defensive.

huddspur · 04/01/2011 14:07

The longer you stay at home though the less likely you are to progress in your career (I know some people aren't bothered about this). The biggest problemI see is that you're not making any form of pension provision for yourself in old age.

mutznutz · 04/01/2011 14:07

I agree totally Martha...but it would seem the OP and her Husband really need to talk it out...and away from the inlaws! Lol

ruddynorah · 04/01/2011 14:08

Someone was asking, rather incredulously what these jobs are that fit in with childcare.

Well amongst my neighbours there's me who is a retail manager working evenings.

Another is a travel agent working school hours. She does one later shift when her boy goes to his friends house to play.

Over the road is a ward clerk on a maternity ward. She does two evenings and a Saturday. She has 4kids under 9.

Next to her is an evening shelf stacked. In fact she does two 12 hr shifts at the weekend. She has 3 under 5.

LeQueen · 04/01/2011 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mutznutz · 04/01/2011 14:09

No problem Annie. For what it's worth...I think it's always going to be a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation for all working and stay at home Mums.

It really is an individual to each family thing and as long as both parents and the kids are happy, it's not for others to judge Smile

NancyDrewHasaClue · 04/01/2011 14:09

This "living off" your partner business is absurd. MY DH are a team who decided to add to "our team" by having DC. They are our joint responsibility.

No one would dare suggest that the working partner "sponges off" the SAH parent by receiving free childcare and housekeeping services, but somehow it is perfectly acceptable to imply that a SAH parent is in someway a leach on the working partners finances.

Personally I always suggest that anyone in this predicament start thinking about their wills. When the issue of life insurance is raised it is most insightful to see the financial value that the working partner puts on the role of the SAH parent. A nanny, a housekeeper, wrap around care etc. They cost quite a lot.

narkypuffin · 04/01/2011 14:12

I loved it when my mother stopped working for a while. It made me a selfish brat. I took it for granted that she'd be there to pick up after me and wait on me. I respected her a lot more knowing that she didn't exist to be at my beck and call. She wasn't just my mother she was a person in her own right.

My MIL has never worked a day in her life. And can't understand why her children find her boring to be around and have no respect for her.

bronze · 04/01/2011 14:12

There was a website where you could input everything you did and it calculated your 'worth'
Wish I could find it again

NancyDrewHasaClue · 04/01/2011 14:13

ruddynorah the problem with working evenings and weekends is when do those people get to spend time with their partners.

Personally (and I accept it is entirely personl) I would hate to be ealking out the door just as DH arrives. I do actually enjoy spending time with him.

vintageteacups · 04/01/2011 14:15

Regarding the pension thing, if you have children under 16 and you are a stay at home parent, you get that Home Protection thing which counts towards your state pension.

I have got to work for 11 yrs more years once the kids are over that age in order to entitle me to the full state pension.

NancyDrewHasaClue · 04/01/2011 14:16

Narky if your MIL's children don't respect the woman that presumably washed their clothes, made their meals, played with them, picked them up from school, ferried them to friends and clubs, helped them with their homework, were there when they were sick etc etc just because she didn't have paid employment then I would suggest that says far more about the her selfish brats than her employment status.

Alouiseg · 04/01/2011 14:17

Interesting thread, fwiw I think the op's husband is a tosser for bringing it up.

I'd get a ft job if I were you op and see how he likes organising the child care and skipping out of work when one of them is ill.

I'd also make sure you have a good hours commute on the train each way so that he does the morning stuff and you come home to bathed children and a gourmet meal.

(reminds self to be super nice to dh this evening)

vintageteacups · 04/01/2011 14:18

Evening and weekend working is fine but my DH works away all week and leaves again sunday night so if I worked evenings, I'd need childcare - I'd come home with very little money.

DH would be pretty Hmm if I worked at the weekend - that's the only time we would see each other.

As it was said above - people are all different and women who are SAHM shouldn't be made to feel as though they are sponging off DHs if they want to remain at home.

Litchick · 04/01/2011 14:19

vintage if there are state pensions available to us in ten years time, I will eat my hat.

There will be some sort of retirement benefit for the poor and the rest of us will have to sort ourselves out.

huddspur · 04/01/2011 14:20

vintage- I think leaving yourself reliant on the state pension in old age would be a great mistake though.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 04/01/2011 14:20

I went back to work when Dc2 was six weeks old. I've worked more and more ever since. I now have ds14 and dd11. I don't care what everyone else says, even now I hate having to work. I don't have a career, just 'jobs' which are fairly flexible. But when they are sick, or on school holidays it's miserable. Being torn between looking after my kids or letting down my employers. Having to find somewhere for them after school is a pain. And when they cry because, we've been here all holidays/weekend/afternoon on our own and we are bored and we haven't done anything interesting, it makes me feel shit! Ops dcs are all under nine and nowhere near as self Sufficient as mine. That's four lots of childcare to pay for, four after school clubs etc...
Yes there are pt jobs out there, but it isn't fun during sickness or school holidays. Working from home is good if you can find the work, but you have to find it. I know there are lots of happy working mothers out there, and I respect them, a lot. But it's not my ideal.
Op needs to have a serious talk wit DH and set everything out. . Yes he has a point, but so does she.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 04/01/2011 14:20

If I had a daughter I would be very certain to impress upon her the importance of keeping a hand in at work. And I will do the same with my son, too.

Giving up work totally for a decade (or more) is madness.

wrt after school clubs; vintage I'd be a bit worried if all ds wanted to do afterschool was sit on my knee with a biscuit. Although I'd be thrilled to hear about his day (rather than the "nothing much" I usually get in response to gentle enquiries as to what's gone on at school) Grin

Seems to me that the OP's DH is trying to bring a bit of balance into both their lives. Maybe he'd like to cut his hours a bit, with the OP picking up the slack financially.

mutznutz · 04/01/2011 14:21

I couldn't do evening work even if I wanted to due to my husband's constant shift work.

I agree though I'd hate to be like two ships passing in the night...but some people simply have to, to survive.

marthastewart · 04/01/2011 14:24

Yes Mutznutz

I do agree that the issues between parents need a sit down discussion but I find so often in these discussions that the childrens' needs are not given enough consideration.

I find that there can be a lot of social pressure to be contributing to society by having paid employment as if raising children wasn't doing just this!

The children have a right to time with their parents just as parents have a right to fulfilling their needs, by working, having free time for oneself, having time together as a couple. However, in having children a parents need may need to be put on ice for some years or perhaps not indulged in as fully as one would like, it's part of the package!