to be pissed off that DH told me infront of inlaws to go back to work?

[kanchan]

Spent New Years with inlaws.....conversation turned to work and DH started going on about how I should get back to work now the kids are all at school. I stated the obvious.....kids are all under 9, who would take/pick up from school, what about when they're ill and also I don't want the stress of it all now. He suggested I could do some work from home seeing as I must have so much free time on my hands....anyone else feel so unappreciated?

Getorf - I would sure as hell be pissed off if dh led the life that half my SAHM friends lead - perhaps that makes me a wanker too!

In my own case, it's my DH who dictates that he is the main bread winner.

His isn't purely a job - it's a vocation.
I gave up stability and the stability of my children, to follow hgm around wherever his job takes him.

Therefore I feel much less guilt as he knows I've given up working in my former job and won't really ever be able to do the same job again.

That said, he still annoys me with the remarks about how I should do more housework.

OP - I might have not read it but did you mention what your in law's reaction was when your dh suggested you get a job?

OP, maybe he's worried, not about the money, but for you and what you are doing with your life. If he is he might be wrong, but being annoying does not exclude being caring.

"I wonder what will happen if any of your children chooses to be a SAHP? Will you be so judgemental?"

• but I'm not being judgemental of a scenario where the couple agree for one person to be at home for a while. The issue here is the DISagreement about it. And no, I wouldn't want any of my children (and I have both genders) to be in a partnership where there was disagreement over such an important issue. It cuts both ways anyway - I would worry if either my ds or dds were expected to be the sole breadwinner for their family in the future - it's a big burden. I would also worry if my dds felt tempted to partner a man just because of his earning capability. I want them to marry for love and realise they can earn money too!

And whether or not my dds (or ds) at some point have some time out of the workplace, the reality for most of our children, unless they win the lottery, is that working for most or all of their adult life will be a necessity anyway. So far better that they learn first hand that working life can be interesting and rewarding (not just financially) because lets face it - they're all going to be competing with eachother for the best jobs before long - all our kids!

To me, the real issue here is that the OPs children are not getting a positive message about the realities of life - they've got a mum saying 'Well, dad earns enough so I won't work if I don't want to', and a dad who isn't happy with that. Surely that in itself is a good enough reason to address the problem?

We don't really know the OP's backstory unless she had provided more info further up the thread. If money is tight and there are things the family needs the DH may have a point but could perhaps have put it more tactfully and discreetly.

Different things work for different families IMO.

I've had a career, been a SAHM for 8 years and have been back at work for 7 years - the last 4 full time. Went back part time - luckily in a College - for the first three and things took off from there.

Interestingly a couple of years ago, when the DC were 13 and 9 the DH changed jobs and wasn't allowed to work his notice so had three months at home and we were between au-pairs. The DH actually said that he never realised how much I had done when I was at home and bear in mind the DC were at full time school then. It was an eye opener for him, it really was - brilliant, absolutely brilliant - the only time he got at all arsy was when I phoned at 5.30 one night and said I'd be late because some of us had decided to have a drink and dinner. How the boot was on the other foot. Did him a world of good it did .

There really are alot of jealous female dogs on here. "slacking?"-pmsl(and thanks for footing my tax bill/pension btw

Thats a good point tinker.

Thanks for footing my tax bill/ pension REALLY makes me sympathise with SAHMs

I wouldn't take it too seriously Catnao - she won't be smiling when she realises there'll be no state pension worth having!!

Well exactly Violet.

One of the main considereations when I gave up work was my pension.

I mean, really, does anyone with any knowledge of the NI deficit believe there will be state pensions in the next ten or twenty years?

Kachuan where r u? Hope your okay. I know its been a rough ride. People will always have different opinions about everything. Yes what did mil say when dh was going on about that? X

Pink - come on call a bitch a bitch why don't you? I'm not jealous btw, sure you'd love to think that was so but I must disappoint you. I do think a lot of sahms suffer from severe wohm envy though and not just the sahms either. Their other halves are generally quite keen on the idea that a home and family can be sustained by both partners working as a team inside the home and as wage-earners outside the home.

I think the basic problem here is that the OPs DH has not appreciated that in giving up work to look after their children, her career prospects have been negatively affected. In being at home she has helped him in ways that he appears not to have noticed, let alone appreciated.

It's all very well thinking that a woman can be a SAHM until the DC go to school and then slot back into the workplace but it should be recognized that this is not always possible and that becoming a SAHM can be a permanent sacrifice in terms of career.

I also think that the idea of a woman returning to work and her husband therefore being able to spend more time with the DC doesn't always pan out in RL. My DH would be unable to cut hours/work trips away regardless of whether I was working or not, so the reality would be two parents working and the children seeing no more of their dad. The fact is he earns more money in his career and we can't afford to risk that by having a true division of childcare.

Catnao-I am not asking for your sympathy or to support my choice to be a sahm.It is the wohm on here who have high-jacked this thread and started being vile about sahm(hence the slacking comment). The op wasnt looking for discussion on sahm V wohm. She was asking if she ws aibu about her dh discussing it in front of inlaws.And in case you missed my reply-YANBU AND HE IS AN ARSE!!!

"Their other halves are generally quite keen on the idea that a home and family can be sustained by both partners working as a team inside the home and as wage-earners outside the home."

That sums it up brilliantly Northernlebkuchen.

Or as someone put it once (probably Custy I think) having a vagina doesn't mean you're automatically better at staying at home, and having a penis doesn't automatically make you better at earning.

The utterly ridiculous thing about all of this is that if the OP had simply been having ongoing discussions with her DH, he may very well have come around to her way of thinking.

I know that DH often gets very strange ideas until I show him the way to the truth and the light.

The final line of the op's post is 'anyone else feel so unappreciated' If you're going to post whiny sahm crap about your mean husband suggesting in public you aren't fully occupied then yes you are going to get a little intervention from this particular wohm. BTW pink - why is it offensive for me to says sahms slack but perfectly fine for you to call the op's husband 'an arse'?

I am a SAHM I have three school aged dc's and I have no intention of working for a while. I don't want to, my DH doesn't want me to and nor do my DC's. My DH does lots of cooking and cleaning when he's here (although he's away a lot). We have a very equal happy marriage and we can afford to live like this. My DH is well aware that looking after the house doesn't take all my time and he never resents it if I've been out for lunch or done beggar all.

If he wanted me to work then we'd have to have a very serious conversation about who does what. I gave up a well paid career when we had the dc's and I would not see why I'd have to get a part time menial job while he continues his career.

That's great 123, but the point is that the OP's DH is not happy ans they have not had any discussions about it.

I like working - I am lucky enough to have that well paid job with term time hours - but I do have to work evenings and at least one weekend day. But until my son was three, and I went back to uni to retrain, I had a low paid office job. Still gave me a sense of purpose aside from my role as a mother and helped with my CV when I DID go back and retrain, even though after childcare I wasn't a lot better off.

So I am not jealous of SAHM - but just as they (rightly, in most cases I expect) object to words like "slackers", WOHMs object (rightly, in most cases I expect) to the "why have children if you don't want to devote yourself to them?" kinds of comments, that I have seen. A LOT.

And the pensions/tax comment was just daft. And designed to cause hostility, no? If i was a SAHM I would be displeased that someone even thought that, thereby implying that's how many SAHMs think.

But what you forget is only 1 can have the babies. That is nature I am afraid ladies. !

ThumbScrew - that sounds like a good arrangement to me.

I don't think any of us ladies forget that we give birth. Fortunately that doesn't render us incapable of doing other things too.

Northern on that point why is it okay to call sahm slacking but not call wohm might be slacking ?