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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off that DH told me infront of inlaws to go back to work?

510 replies

kanchan · 04/01/2011 11:36

Spent New Years with inlaws.....conversation turned to work and DH started going on about how I should get back to work now the kids are all at school. I stated the obvious.....kids are all under 9, who would take/pick up from school, what about when they're ill and also I don't want the stress of it all now. He suggested I could do some work from home seeing as I must have so much free time on my hands....anyone else feel so unappreciated?

OP posts:
Lotkinsgonecurly · 04/01/2011 17:38

I just typed out a long post. But it was really what noddyholder said, just much more succinctley than I did.

I used to be a SAHM and there was a lot of and then what...

EdgarAleNPie · 04/01/2011 17:39

equally WOHMS problems -

no time with kids - give it up!
no real income after childcare costs - give it up!
no time for social life - stop working!
feeling expected to do everything - stop wrking..
feeling undervalued at work/ don't enjoy your job - stop working!

those who can profit from thir work and need that money exempted of course..

vintageteacups · 04/01/2011 17:39

Karma - that was extremely well put.

Northernlebkuchen · 04/01/2011 17:46

Edgar I don't recognise your wohm problems in my life but for anyone who does:
no time with kids - children are at school - I wouldn't see them anyway and youngest child is at nursery. Though I work I still spend enough time with her that she still recognises me and I know what her shoe size is.

no real income after childcare costs - the more you work the better you do - I have a nice income after costs.

no time for social life - who has their social life between 9-5?

feeling expected to do everything - talk to your partner and work as a team

feeling undervalued at work/ don't enjoy your job - change your job.

christmaswishes · 04/01/2011 17:46

Well I can see that a some of you take your marriage vows seriously . If you have that view of a man then why did you pick your husbands in the first place haha hmmmm beggars belief really! Or is it because your not married and don't have the commitment. Why would you be with somebody that you think would do you wrong ?

I just think instead of spouting off ooo I work 50 hours.. we don't really care. Why see this as your post to spout this self righteous rubbish off? let's give you a medal! The point is the poster doesn't want to work and financially doesn't need too. Her values are bringing up her kids and being a sahm . Yes agreed. He shouldn't have brought the comments about work in front of inlaws. The issue really is the husband doesn't want her to be off work they have different values and views but how do you change them ? Either way neither is going to be fully happy. Maybe kachun you need to discuss it more with your husband .

Violethill · 04/01/2011 17:52

He was being unreasonable to bring it up publicly, but maybe he feels thats the only way you'll listen!

He's got a point you know - your kids are in school all day, you could be doing a lot more to contribute financially. I pity your DH having sole earning responsibility, and I think you'll have a hard job convincing him you've got it really tough at home!

If you're really struggling to keep things ticking over domestically, then look at what's going wrong, because it isn't rocket science running a house these days. You not wanting to work is not a good enough reason to just sit at home. Do you want your children to grow up thinking its ok to just not work if you don't feel like it?!

Animation · 04/01/2011 17:52

Mmm, Christmas - I think your right about some self righteous rubbish going off on this thread.Hmm

christmaswishes · 04/01/2011 17:54

Hi karma - I also like the way you put things . All these hidden talents hey. And like you I didn't like the word slacking - how judgemental is that ? In my mind this is jealousy at them not having the option to work or not too. SAHM have that choice! X

Animation · 04/01/2011 17:56

Oh for goodness sakes Violethill. You're a full time worker I assume and boy don't we know it!!

LindenAvery · 04/01/2011 17:58

You see doing all the unpaid work - childcare and housework is contributing financially - just think how much you would have to pay someone to do all the jobs that the OP is currently doing.

Violethill · 04/01/2011 18:04

ROFL well I haven't read anyn convincing responses in defence of the OP yet... the best seems to be 'Aw if you don't want to go out to work just don't do it!' Hmm

She could be regretting that in future years when her children are independent and she's bored and pensionless!

LindenAvery · 04/01/2011 18:06

Maybe her husband pays into a stakeholder pension in her name...........

Northernlebkuchen · 04/01/2011 18:06

Christmas - I have the option to work actually, certainly not jealous Hmm. I have more choices than sahms who have taken themselves out of the labour market for years. You may not like me describing you as 'slacking' - but that is how I see it. Yes it is judgemental. Think about that the next time you think 'oh x works - she isn't raising her children/missing out on so much/ is only thinking of herself'

Violethill · 04/01/2011 18:07

No wonder he's getting pissed off then! She's a big girlie - she could be paying into her own.

Violethill · 04/01/2011 18:12

Seriously though, the issue here is that her DH is clearly not happy with the balance they have. He's presumably worked full time for years while she's been at home. If he wants to redress the balance a little, then that's a good thing. Because actually, no one seems to be thinking about the CHILDREN here, who are pretty central to things. Maybe they'd have a much better experience seeing a dad who gets more time at home with them, and is perfectly capable of sticking a load of washing on, or rustling up dinner, and a mum who is capable of earning. I would say that's a far healthier balance than thinking that mum's role is to stay home all day just in case one of the kids is ill, and that dad's role is to have to pay for everything.

Of course, the usual response to that is 'Oh but he wouldn't do anything round the house, he'd be hopeless'. Why not try it and see?

The bottom line is, some women actually seem to want to keep their husband 'incompetent' or 'lazy' because it's a way of protecting what they see as 'their' territory.

LindenAvery · 04/01/2011 18:13

Maybe she was the main earner prior to having children.....maybe she contributed more at the time to the house they now live in...maybe she already has put a lot into her pension prior to becoming a SAHM.

TheBolter · 04/01/2011 18:14

Agree with many of Violethill's points.

That said, I have one of those gold dust, holy grail jobs - well paid, part time, term time only and one that stretches the grey matter... it wasn't perfect timing when I took it as dd2 still had 18 more months of pre school to go, and a fair bit of juggling had to be done during those months, but I'm bloody glad I went for it... and it proves that such jobs do exist! Grin

As a SAHM I felt I literally had to do it all. Now I have a lot more bargaining power when it comes to division of labour on the domestic front. And it means we can afford a cleaner. I feel so much happier and far less enslaved to the home now.

christmaswishes · 04/01/2011 18:14

Look northern I am not a SAHM but I think you are offensive describing those that do as slacking. I also think you should not try to predict my thoughts . Are you mystic meg ? And being proud of beimg judgemental just shows what type of girl you really are.

Violethill · 04/01/2011 18:15

But her DH is not happy with the work/life balance NOW. And that's why if she's got any sense, she'll discuss it with him rather than ignore it. Not good for any relationship

bronze · 04/01/2011 18:16

I can't recall ever having said that about anyone Northern but you sure as hell have insulted me.
I went away for ten days last year (or year before now) and left dh just with the eldest three. By the end he was begging me to come home. All situations are different and I sure as hell don't slack as my dh well knows.

Katisha · 04/01/2011 18:16

What do you do, TheBolter?

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/01/2011 18:19

Excellent posts northern and violet.

It is very difficult when someone doesn't work. Luckily DP was at home for only 3 months, but there were seeds of slight resentment starting to bud, I admit that freely.

There can only be so many times you can have the conversation 'what did you do all day' to which is answered 'oh you know, went to teh gym, cooked dinner, pissed about, went and met up with X and had a game of golf' without feeling a tad Hmm about it.

Or maybe I am a wanker, who knows

TheBolter · 04/01/2011 18:19

I work as support staff at a private school. I don't really want to go into it too much as I'm protective of my privacy on here, but it's working in a managerial role that I previously did in a corporate environment.

Bogeyface · 04/01/2011 18:20

THis whole idea of "Why should i get a job I dont want" thing has really bloody annoyed me!

Why should your OH have sole responsibility that he may not want? What makes your desires more important than his?

Maybe it isnt the job as such but him feeling that you arent even willing to try and compromise. If you agreed to say looking for a job that fitted with your current life and between you realised that it would be difficult, or you couldnt get a job then atleast he would feel you are making an effort to understand how he feels.

As it is, frankly all I can see is "Screw you, I'm happy"

LindenAvery · 04/01/2011 18:20

Violet we don't know if this is the case with her DH, whether it is just a lack of respect, a financial concern or feeling that he wants more time with the kids - your 'experience' sounds like an ideal scenario but how many full-time men find it that easy to reduce hours and spend more time with their children?

How many employers are really father friendly? And I don't think it does children any harm in seeing that a parent (any parent) chooses to be a SAH any more than it is for children to see both parents working. I wonder what will happen if any of your children chooses to be a SAHP? Will you be so judgemental?