to be pissed off that DH told me infront of inlaws to go back to work?

[kanchan]

Spent New Years with inlaws.....conversation turned to work and DH started going on about how I should get back to work now the kids are all at school. I stated the obvious.....kids are all under 9, who would take/pick up from school, what about when they're ill and also I don't want the stress of it all now. He suggested I could do some work from home seeing as I must have so much free time on my hands....anyone else feel so unappreciated?

Oh now see I worked out of choice because hm well I like my career and I didn't spend 6 years at University to drop out of work the moment my womb hatched!

I didn't need to or have to as my husband provided well for all of us - we had 3 children

he left me for somebody else when our youngest was 7mths old - didn;t see it comming but thankgod i work - I now have my own home (and mortgage sadly!) and provide for my girls a lifestyle they had before

He is british - maybe that's where I am going wrong :)

I was also the product of a single parent working mother family home - it did not scar be for life or anything!

Hello Curry my gawjus darling - it's Foxy!

but mutznutz would it not then be too late? huge gap on your CV, out of date skills etc..

anythingwithagiraffeonit Your own decisions are your business, I can't say what is right for you. But I'm afraid it only takes a glance at the relationships board on here (or a look around you) to see that most of us trust our DPs/DHs... until we don't.

Gambling was an extreme example used to lighten the tone of my post

vintageteacups Many people would say their children are better off with them working rather than at home with them. My child minder is 'outstanding' - as rated by OFSTED. DD spends the 3 hours a day she is with her painting/gardening/cooking/singing/learning the piano all in the company of 3 beautifully behaved school friends. Is that better for her, or 3 hours at home with a bored and understimulated mummy bearing the resentment of a husband who doesnt really support her choice to be at home... which is what my daughter would have if I was at home day in day out...?

I think your example of the security of your DHs job is very very rare indeed. But it is an example that I asked for so fair enough, and good for you.

Can I assume though that although most SAHMs on here don't need to work financially as such, but your household would be affected in a positive way by the income you could potentially generate? If this is the case (as is mine considering my child care bill for 5 days a week is £300 a month and my cleaner costs £80) the I forgive the DH for feeling it is a bit mad.

Do people not want the feeling of earning their own money. I'd hate the prospect of being the homemaker earning no income of my own and being financially reliant on others.

I work 3 days a week - 21;5 hours

I earn more than £17k - hth :)

NancyDrewHasaClue Why on earth assume that a woen couldnt command more than a 17k salary?! That is ridiculous!

Vintage - women aren't 'pulled' at all. They make their own minds up and a lot of women decide that sitting at home, doing the school run and hoovering is a lot nicer than going to work and answering to other people and making decisions. This is a choice that is rarely open to men but we are supposed to openly embrace it and say it's as hard as being at work and it's a full time job? Well no it isn't. I have a full time job and I'm a full time parent. I'm raising my children just as much as any sahm and frankly I'm fed up of the moaning. Look sahms - if you want to stay at home bloody well do so - but don't think I won't allow myself to think you're slacking - because I do!

"Also, I would love to know how people find themselves in a situation where they 'don't need to work financially'"

DH has a good job with a good salary. If he lost his job he would get another one and frankly if he died or we divorced I'd do pretty well financially.

So I don't need to work for financial reasons. Conversely a reason for not working is financial reasons: My job entailed long hours and a long commute. My childcare bill and the cost of my commute were in excess of 40k What I actually got for the stress of it all hardly seemed worth while.

Well said Northern.
There are some really lazy women out there who bleat constantly about how tough their 'role' is.

My arse.

OP if you are still around please do explain how on earth you work 24 hours a day? I know you say you get up in the night but what about the 6 hours theyre at school? unless you live in some kind of mansion a bit of hoovering and making beds doesnt take that long!

nancydrew I did that calculation on one child, before I read that OP had 4. I realise I was way out.. However, there are cheaper forms of schild care available, maybe after school club, school friends etc. If OP had never left work chances are she's dbe in a position like me where you can pick and chose when you work from home so a couple of days a week you can fetch the kids from school yourself. Its not hard if your organised about it but as OP said - she doesnt want all the stress.

Before having my children, I worked 8am until 6pm every day in a fairly high stressed job and time and again I stiull say that being at home, and all that it encompasses is much harder.

DH is currently studying somewhere. He gets 3 hot meals a day, a cleaner to do his room,beers in the bar every night if he's not studying, nothing to do over the weekend except come home to see us and a few essays to write. How is that more stressful than what I'm doing???

moondog someone had to say it

blindassasin read my post.

I am suggesting that there are not many jobs that are 1) local; 2) can be done on a strictly 9-5 basis and that are also 3) part time.

crikey to the British men quip rev084

and goodness me, did you not have a say in whether or not to have a second child - are you one of them surrendered wife thingies?

Surely 'planning ahead' is not leaving yourself and your children's stability at the mercy of a man? Historically fickle creatures they are.

and working helps that how?

plenty of workign mothers doubly the victims of twattish husbands - they get to do all the housework as well as earning the money.

a twat is a twat. regardless of your employment status.

I have done both and SAHM is easy peasy and fun.You can get all the drudge done by 10 o'clock and then what?If you want a life though you need your own cash

I pay £430 a month for nursery - 7:30 - 5:30 3 days a week

£180 a month for a CM after school

£10 a month for breakfast club

the only painful bit is the £150 a week for holiday club - but I try and take as much holiday off - and force my ex to do the same!

He won#t live like that dforever thoguh, will he Vintasge.

'Stressful'?

Don't make me laugh.

Why does it have to be part time? And why strictly 9-5..? I do about 40 hours from beetween 7.30 (sat at kitchen table) and 8pm (sat on sofa) Most of my friends who are mums do the same because they didnt have a career gap and thus don't have to bend over in terms of what job they do and how much money they earn.

Edgar, I certainly dont do all the housework! And I would certainly never be the victim of a twatish husband in that way.

And in answer to 'how does working help?' umm... financially independance... not being any worse of financially if he left you... being able to provide for your children...?

Vintage - if you find being at home more stressful then you need to go back to work and fully occupy your time.

Sources of stress for sahms - what are they exactly?
Felling worthless - go back to work
Feeling bored - go back to work
Feeling penniless and dependant - go back to work
Falling out with people at school gate - get a grip
Worrying about domestic standards - go back to work and get a grip.

(Parents at home with chronically ill and/or disabled children are exempt from all of the above and may feel stressed as much as they wish)

OP - people might just be applying their own circumstances to yours hence the variety of opinions expressed.

You both need to talk. Yes he was wrong to bring it up in front of his parents, perhaps the pressure has come from them?

No one on here knows enough about your situation - SAHMs vary just as WOHM vary - in working hours and what's expected of each other in a relationship. Different things work for individual families. Sometimes the partner working doesn't actually realise how much additional work they add to the load of the SAH!Or the way that a SAHM in particular can becomes totally responsible for the emotional health and well-being of everyone in the family.

Being the sole earner can be stressful - however there are probably things that you do now that make his life easier that he just doesn't see - such as some of the points made about him not having to ever worry about childcare - other posts have indicated that unpaid work is never seen in the same light as paid employment and yet it is just as valuable.

It does need to be discussed - with pros and cons written down about getting a job. However I believe you do have a bigger problem with regards to respect. Getting to the reason behind why he did this and mentioned 'free time' - it could be helpful for you both to write down your 'free time' and see who actually has the most.

I used the 4 day a week as a compromise because someone would have undoubtedly said "well they could work part time"

Again I used the 9-5 example because, IME, outside of the hours 8-6 childcare becomes prohibitively expensive.

I feel I am earning my share of our family income. By being a SAHM, I enable my DH to focus on his job and not worry about who will look after the kids. I see it as division of labour.

Also, once the DC are all at school, yes I will have some quiet hours in the day to do my own thing as well as house things. But once they come home at 3.30, it's all go until bedtime. I see it as having different working hours to a conventional working day, but like all 'jobs' there are quiet and not so quiet times in each day.

I don't like the work 'slacking'. I'm in a relationship, not the army. I may well have some nice easy days at home. Other days won't be nice and easy. Much like paid employment really, you take the rough with the smooth.

Work should say word. One day I will proof read

Excellent post karma

I agree with everything you say. Although I am having another baby just to be on the safe side