to be pissed off that DH told me infront of inlaws to go back to work?

[kanchan]

Spent New Years with inlaws.....conversation turned to work and DH started going on about how I should get back to work now the kids are all at school. I stated the obvious.....kids are all under 9, who would take/pick up from school, what about when they're ill and also I don't want the stress of it all now. He suggested I could do some work from home seeing as I must have so much free time on my hands....anyone else feel so unappreciated?

@ OP have you considered that one of the reasons why your DH is bringing up this sensitive issue in such an insensitive way is that he is under pressure at work? E.g. his job might be under threat but he is not sharing it with you and you are under the impression that everything is okay.

narkypuffin and fourthattempt make EXCELLENT points.

martha who are you to claim that children are better off at home with a parent at home? Because as far as I know this has never been proven.

It all depends on the children and parents concerned. Maybe your children are better of with you at home. But it is certainly not true in my children's case.

Also, I would love to know how people find themselves in a situation where they 'don't need to work financially' So... your partner will never become ill, leave you, be made redundant, develope a gambling addiction, and he can provide a pension for you both?

Surely 'planning ahead' is not leaving yourself and your children's stability at the mercy of a man? Historically fickle creatures they are.

If anything happened to my husband then I would NEED to work. Right now I don't...so I'm a stay at home Mum.

Yabu

totally with your dh on this.

He should have discussed it in private though.

I don't think he should mention any feelings or comments about work in front of anyone but you. Its not nice to put you down like that.

I look at the work thing if you need the money financially then yes you may need to look into working. If you don't need the money then you can stay at home and do that role. I don't think you should go to work just to please some of the other mumsnetters who think you should be at work. Only do tht if financially you need too, after all thts the main reason people go to work. Otherwise keep being happy in your role as sahm .

blindassasin
"Maybe your children are better of with you at home. But it is certainly not true in my children's case."

Who would anyone actually asmit that their children are better off in chiuldcare than at home with them? I don't get what you mean - why would you say that?

"Also, I would love to know how people find themselves in a situation where they 'don't need to work financially'"

Well without actually telling you DH's salary (which would be impolite), how would know how many of the SAHMs don't financially need to work? Perhaps our DHs jobs have enabled us to be completely secure for the forseeable future or perhaps they work (as in my dh's case) for an organisation where he has guaranteed employment until a certain age, whereafter a substantial pension is guaranteed, or perhaps, we have 'inherited' a large enough sum not to work etc......there are many possibilites

Blimey OP - I am very intrigued about this totally secure forever job. I didn't think they existed any more!!

There are many many reasons why people go to work Christmas. Once again, someone projecting THEIR feelings onto someone else's choices!

Blindsssasin... I'm a first time mum with a 12 week old baby...

My DH and I made the decision together that I would stay off of work until she starts school..

Would you suggest I, and so many others, shouldn't do this in case our husbands leave us / develop a gambling addiction (?!?) etc...

Obviously no one can really plan for illness or redundancy... But some people completely and fully know and trust thier DH's. Mine, for example, takes on extra work so he can save for any eventuality. And I know him well enough to say he's not a gambler lol...

Because personally I do think it's in the best interests of my child to be at home with her.

The thing is you need to work or do something out of the home for reasons other than money tbh or your world can become small and your relationship one sided.

I can see his point and to be honest taking a 10 year break from work is madness really.

What strange points of view on this thread.

I would have thought the main theme should be about DH's DISRESPECT to his wife - infront of his parents.

The problem posted is NOT a work issue.

I think there's a broad consensus that her husband shouldn't have done it infront of his parents

Hi I never said that the only reason people go to work is because of the finances - instead of jumping on me please reread. What I was actually saying is for a lot of people the primary reason to go to work is the money you have other reasons such as job satisfaction, meeting people etc but for many the prime reason is money. How many mums on here would love to stay at home with their children but have to go to work due to finances ? So back to wht this post is about is that the poster 'kachuan doesn't need to work as finacially she can afford not to and wants to be a sahm to her children. She shouldn't have to go just because a few jealous people tell her she should to make themselves feel better . I think being a mum is a brilliant job and bringing up the children.

Kachuan the only thing maybe you need to consider is your husband as for some reason he seems to want you to go back to work even though financially you don't need too. Why do you think this is?

yes - everyone who has replied in reference to the in law thing, has said he was wrong to talk to her about it in front of them.

Noddy - can become being the optimum words

ChristmasWishes, C&Ping, you said "thts the main reason people go to work." (sic)

You didn't say "for a lot of people", you said "people". And you didn't mention any of the other reasons. Excuse me for not reading between the lines!

It's not the main reason I go to work. It's one of them, and since I've been single, it's been more important, but it's not my main motivation

I'm sooo glad I'm not with a british man, awful attitude. I've got a two yr old and pregnant with no.2.

I fully intended on going back to work when our daughter was 18months, but my OH decided we should have another baby. Unlike alot of British men, my OH enjoys providing for our family, thats his entire ego, and he does a very good job of it.

We plan to move to the US later this yr and due to visa restrictions, I'll be unable to work for 2yrs, luckily my OH will have a good job so this is ok. I plan to retrain after this time and hopefully be able to contribute in some way.

Get a new man!!

rev084 - I think a lot of men do still like the idea of their partner staying at home to look after the home and children.

And in many countries abroad, the prospect of the woman working doesn't even exist. The man would be shamed if his wife went out to work.

Some points

a) Running a home with school-age children is not a full-time occupation
b) Some people find it stressful being the sole provider
c) You can never 100% trust another person - so many sad women on the Relationships board who thought it would never happen to them

christmaswishes - that's a good question. Many on here have answered that (assumed) by saying that, actually they do need the money and the OP doesn't know it. OP thinks it's because her DH thinks she does nothing.

OP - I don't think he was being unreasonable actually. You should have talked about this before, sounds like he's brewing resentment and tbh who can blame him? You don't want the stress of it? Well bully for you having the luxury of choice. I'm ecstatic that whilst I work and pay for my retirement, my contributions to the economy will also be allowing you to swan around for a decade or so saying work is too stressful!

BlindAssasin you're kidding right?!

"Presumably he pays rent/bills/food/entertainment for OP... Now the kids are at school and childcare is minimum hours he could pay someone about £400 a month to do this work... I bet OP costs him more than that!"

Ok lets be generous here. Say OP works 9-5 4 days per weeks, allow 45 mins to get out door of work to door of CM who charges 3.5 per hour per child, factor in drop off times etc so on a school day OP is paying for 16 hrs worth of care. Which = 224 per week.

Most schools have at least 15 weeks holiday a year so that is 15 weeks of full day care for four children. 560 per week. Say mum and dad take their hols seperately and subtract 6 weeks of that total = 5040

Total childcare bill before ill children/snow days any other drama factored in etc = 13,328 or 1,110 per month.

Which means you have to be earning about 17k just to break even.

Now if you can show me a job that pays that money for working 9-5, four days a week, with limited commute where OP would have no work related expenses (bus parking petrol) in an area where childcare is only 3.5 an hour you might have a point but it seems unlikley.

This of course ignores the fact that all the OP's domestic duties would also have a value and most significantly who the hell wants to work in a job (not a career) just to break even - or in fact make a loss as soon as one of the kids is sick?

Socially though Northern the govt. want mothers/fathers to stay at home to raise the children. It's just economically, they try to encourage them back to work. Mothers are pulled in opposite directions.