to have another dc in a 2 bed flat?

[mamasmissionimpossible]

DH and I have been considering having a 3rd DC. We have two dc's who share a bedroom. We currently have a two bedroom flat. Do you think it is unfair to put another dc in the only spare bedroom we have?

I think moving home will be some years off, but I know my fertility is not going to stick around forever and we don't want too large an age gap between the dc's. Our dc's are, ds (5) and dd (3).

For me it comes down to two practical questions:

How big is the children's bedroom? If it's a large room, I think it's fine for all 3 to share, once they are sleeping through. If it's tiny, though, it doesn't sound like you have the space. (If your bedroom is the larger room then you could swap of course?)

Do you have the money to support 3 children comfortably - including the cost of any childcare? If you can't afford to move to a larger place then that does suggest things are very tight financially, in which case it may not be a good time to have a third DC.

minipie - I'm not sure on the actual size of the bedroom, but at the moment it has a cotbed and single bed. 2 large wardrobes and other storage and about 1 metre between each bed. We could get a bunk and a single bed in the room and still have a small bit of play space for the dc's.

The flat is 100 square metres, so it is not small. We could potentially sell it as it is in a desirable area. Although, we would have to compromise and probably move out of the area, as we can't afford a 3 bed in this area. DH has said to me that if we have another dc, we may need to make that compromise and move out of area for more room. This would be hard for me, as I am sahm and have friends and groups that I enjoy taking the dc's to, in this area. I love it here and it would be a wrench to move.

I'm 34, so there hopefully some time left in the old bio clock. I do feel it is a risk of never having a third dc, to leave it too much longer. Plus, I want to get the baby phase done and move on to get back to work etc.. My other dc's were such poor sleepers, that I feel I need my age and strength to help me through that phase, if dc3 is as challenging as previous dc's.

Tricky one. To be honest I think most people would probably make the decision to move somewhere where they can afford a larger place. But I can see why you want to stay if you have friends there. Is there a cheaper area nearby that would still be within easy distance of your friends and groups? Are the friends likely to stay or will many of them move anyway over the coming years?

100 m sq is a big flat. Any way of dividing off a third bedroom (maybe in a temporary way)? Alternatively, can you move the storage into the sitting room or somewhere else so there is more room in the bedroom.

You do have time to leave DC3 for a few years, but I guess the question is whether circumstances are likely to be any different (i.e. will you be any more able to afford a larger place) in a few years' time.

YABU

I think if it's a big enough livivng space then it's fine. But I would be wary. Afirend of mine found herself unexpectadly pregnant with dc3, her older two were boys one was 2, one was 12. There was no more space in her 2 bed flat for another bedd in the boys bedroom, and dc3 was a girl. Not ideal for her to have to share with a teenage brother even if there had been the space for another bed. So they kept dd in their room, and when she was 7, the husband started an affair. Eventually left when she was 9.

They couldn't afford to move, negative equity and all that, but my friend does feel that having a child share their bedroom for all those years had an effect on their sex life, which in turn contributed to him chossing to have an affair. It doesn't make him any less of a bastard, but I can see that it would be very hard having to share your private space to that extent.

But if you can have all three dc's in the same room and have plenty of living space, it wouldn't be so much of a problem.

I think it would be ok at first while they're little, but more of a problem when they get older. i.e. when the older ones start getting homework at school they'll benefit from having a quiet room and enough space for a desk each, and they'll obviously start wanting some more privacy especially if they're not all the same gender. And it'll get a bit crowded when they start having friends over!

Also, bear in mind the risk of twins

Personally, I wouldn't do it. while you can cope, and your DCs will cope sharing, most people aim to give their DCs more than just 'getting by'.

Really, something's got to give. If you want a 3rd DC, you should be prepared to sacrifice your social life to move out of the area to give them more space rather than sacrifice their standard of living to keep yourself in an area where you have lots of friends.

If you move before having your 3rd DC, then you will make new friends amongst new mums, surely? I'm guessing you started this network when you had DS. You'll move your DS's school younger, which is easier to do, and besides, you're talking about going back to work, so you won't be taking your DCs to those groups anyway then.

I have 4 dc, boy and 3 girls in a 3 bed house. We also have dsd too and they sleep in dds room when they come to stay. Eventually we will have 5 girls in one room and we will be swapping with our room as it is bigger.

At the mo there is two sets of bunks and we plan to squeeze in dd3 cot in there once she is sleeping through.

I know this isn't ideal and once the girls are older we are looking at ways to change all this. Our house is biggish and has a seperate dining room so may turn that into a bedroom in the future.

We can't move as we are in a council house.

I'd say go for it, personally

Meant to add that you might have to be prepared to make some changes when the dc are older

I shared with at least one, and at one point all three, of my siblings until I left home at 18.
Yes, it was sometimes annoying, but I think we are close as siblings, even though there is a big age gap, partly because of this. My parents would let us use their room as a room for quiet, tidy pursuits (ie reading) so we did have a place to get away, plus we had a big garden and large living room.
I would definitely go for it - and I personally think it is better for young children to share anyway. I wish I could have got pregnant sooner so that DD could have a "room-mate" now. Definitely planning for DD and the new baby to share indefinitely when it is old enough, even though we have will enough space for seperate rooms!

As the voice of bitter experience:

there is nothing intrinsically wrong with the space issue. You'll find you go out a lot, and mainly use the flat as a dormitory.

where you might feel friction is that you are overstepping your 'footprint' in your block of flats. You'll have 5 people in a flat, where most of your neighbours would have 2. You'll need to develop a thick skin w.r.t being the 'noisy' neighbours and the 'messy' neighbours, however hard you try. It my be a bit isolating, but obv not the end of the world.

I really don't understand why people think it would be detrimental to physical / mental health. At least two other friends have the same set up - three DC in one room sharing. A friend is moving to a bigger house and her three still want yo share.

I think it's fine as long as you know you will be able to move in a few years time.

My DP shared with his sister until he was nine years old and never questioned it.

I wool let them have the big room though.

I am in a two bed with one DD, but plan to have another soon. I shared with my brother until I was 10 and although he was a bit annoying it was fine as we had the larger room. Four of my nieces live in a 3 bed with their mum, youngest shares with mum, second oldest has own room since oldest moved out and middle two share. Until oldest moved out all three girls shared a room which although messy was fine. I think the question will be in the current climate can you afford to move before ds is 12 and starts secondary school, as really it is not ideal for dd to share with older brother after the age of 10. Then if you have a boy will he be able to share with a much younger brother? It could be worse my friend has four kids, two boys and two girls in a two bed. The teenager dd and toddler dd share with mum and the boys have the other room. Their poor mum is exhausted as they are all constantly on top of one another and therefore the kids constantly argue.

OP that is a big flat, bigger than our 2 bed house and i think is prob bigger than some 3 bed houses so think that change my original opinion a bit.

E.g. our friends have 3 beds but there house is a lot smaller than our 2 beds they don't have a bath in their bathroom, one bedroom is tiny and the other two are small so I actually think we are better off in our 2 bed house than a smaller 3 bed if that makes sense.

However, on the moving to another area, if you had a new baby you would meet loads of new people I am sure if you were able to get out to a few new baby things (do your other two DCs go to nursery at all?). So whilst it would be a wrench to move you would meet new people.

such a modern dilemma! I have countless older friends (here in Ireland, the home of large families) who would have thought the idea of a bedroom to themselves to be absurd. I know families of 8, 10, one of 14 in a 3 bedroom house.

Nobody needs their own bedroom, I'm sure its lovely if you have the space, but I'm also sure my boys (3 in one room) would not swap their much loved brothers and playmates for their own bedroom!

My god I'm reading thinking I need to fill my 2 bed with just me and 1 child up a bit more!!

if you want a baby, have considered the consequences of that decision to the degree that you evidentally have then i would say you are well qualified to make a decision all on your own x

(But if you want my opinion - go for it... we need more children born to parents who really make informed decision about their conception x)

I have 4 children in a 4 bedroomed house and we are on top of each other and looking to move next year before the little one needs his own room.
The more children you have the more personal space for the adults as much as the children becomes important.
My 10 year old stays up until 9pm, 10 at weekends.
In a flat you'd never be away from each other which might sound nice when they are all little and lovely, but when they are hormonal and so are you it's nice to be able to have a break even just going in another room.

YABU.It doesn't sound suitable for the family you have now ley alone adding another child and all the baby paraphennalia

I think this is why people get overextended financially. Social pressures to make sure each child has their own room. It's ridiculous really. Most children do just fine sharing a room - they learn how to live closely with others, how to share and compromise, and that they need to consider others as well. Things that a lot of today's children desperately need to learn, IMO.

We have 2 children still at home out of our 4. We live in a 3 bedroom home and planned on putting DS2 & DS3 together to share a room for a few years while they were still young, even though technically we wouldn't have to. Mainly because we felt it would be good for them and that they would enjoy it, and then when they were older and back in their own rooms they would appreciate their own space more. But since we've found out DS2 has SNs, we've had to re-evaluate this plan. We're still considering it, but will wait a bit longer to see whether or not it is still workable.

Babies actually do not need a huge amount of paraphernalia. Store marketing tries to convince people it's all needed, but it really isn't. A cot, yes. All the other stuff, not necessarily.

A cot.
Some clothes
A buggy
Nappies
Feeding stuff if ff.

Struggling to think of much else you really need. With DD I had tons of stuff but by the time I got to DC5 I realised it was mostly superfluious tat.

And I really like stuff and shop at the very least excuse

• Some sort of chair to hold them in whilst you eat
• Clothes being a minimum of 7 vests, 7 sleepsuits, blankets, day outfits, socks, little shoes to keep the socks on. At least another washing load.
• Extra toys age appropriate.
• Maybe a playpen to keep bubs safe from older kids, some sort of play mat. We have bought the bare minimum for DS but if you were to walk into our house it's very quickly apparent a baby lives there. The one thing I would also say as a mother of 4 is that the more children you have the more washing and cleaning you do, so more time in the house. When I had one child we were out at some activity or another every morning, home for lunch and a sleep. With 4 there is always stuff that keeps us home, so it needs to be a comfortable space, not tripping over each other.

We are talking about physical space though arnt we?

I have the washing machine on all day but I still only have one washing machine.

I have a small house but we dont trip over each other. Its very important to be organised. If the OP is going to find that impossible then she may have a problem.

'little shoes to keep the socks on'

I gave up on shoes by DS1. They are pointless and fall off all the time. They are very cute though.

You have to dry and store all the washing, that takes up space, especially in a flat.
Fair play to you if you can cope but my children like to play in the living room and kitchen, as well as me cooking in there.
I've lived in a 2 bedroomed flat with just one DD1 under 12 months old and it did my head in.

Good post Triggles