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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have another dc in a 2 bed flat?

202 replies

mamasmissionimpossible · 30/12/2010 20:37

DH and I have been considering having a 3rd DC. We have two dc's who share a bedroom. We currently have a two bedroom flat. Do you think it is unfair to put another dc in the only spare bedroom we have?

I think moving home will be some years off, but I know my fertility is not going to stick around forever and we don't want too large an age gap between the dc's. Our dc's are, ds (5) and dd (3).

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 31/12/2010 00:34

I'm in a minority here.

I can never see why people are encouraged here to have more children when (in varying situations) they clearly don't have the space, the money and the agreement from the father.

Face the fact, OP, that you will probably ALWAYS want another child on top of what you already have. Those emotional and hormonal surges don't have to be indulged!

It's one thing having a bigger family and for whatever reason your finances change and you end up in a smaller house. Obviously, then you make the most of it. But you're not in that situation. You HAVE two small children for god's sake! What is it that a third pregnancy can bring you, except what you have already!

You know that it will take a long time before your finances change, because childcare will have to be paid for if you do go back to work. Be realistic - if you have another child now, you will be staying in too-small accommodation for a long, long time. Your marriage will suffer from lack of privacy and your children won't have the space they need.

Listen to your brain here, not to your body. Your body often wants what it shouldn't have, doesn't it? It doesn't mean that you have to indulge it.

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 31/12/2010 00:45

We did it, and it took a fair amount of soul searching first - we knew we would move at some point, but didn't know when (and didn't realise quite how bad the housing situation would remain either) DCs were fine with it even up to the point where we moved to a 3 bed place, although we'd decided if it didn't happen that year then we would give up our room to the DSs and get a sofa bed for the living room.

Breezy1985 · 31/12/2010 01:59

I had 2 DC in a one bedroom flat also, 2nd was unplanned the DC shared a bedroom and we had a sofabed in the lounge. We stayed there till my youngest was 2.

You could have the baby in with you for awhile anyway, if it's what you really want then i would go for it.

My friends got 4 in a 2 bed, she has 2 DS's in one room and her 2 DD's in the other and they have a sofabed.

itsawonderfuldarleneconnorlife · 31/12/2010 02:13

My DS (8) and DD (3) share our huge 2nd bedroom and we are ttc.

Their room is so big you could have 2 sets of bunkbeds in it plus wardrobes and still have enough playroom.

Our problem is that our kitchen is tiny.

If/when we have DC3, they will be in with us for 6 months, then will move through. Because of the existing children's ages/genders we are going to have to move to a 3 bed at some point anyway, a 3rd DC isn't going to change that.

DS and DD love sharing, even when they get the chance to sleep apart they are often found snuggled in together. If DS has a friend over DD just comes in with us (we have a super-king-size bed). We also have a sofabed in the livingroom for guests.

I dont see moving as a realistic possibility in the near future. Because we are on a vv low rate mortgage it would be disproportionatly expensive for us to move. As it is, with our housing/heating/ctax costs so low we actually have quite a lot of disposable income, so can easily afford another DC. (and as I was made redundant I have no income to lose)

If the worst does come to the worst and we are 'stuck' here then I'm hoping that DS will get a bursary to go to boarding school, which will at least remedy the problem for most of the year.

ChippingIn · 31/12/2010 03:30

ClassyDiva - supposed according to whom exactly? You do come out with some shite.

onceamai · 31/12/2010 06:08

I would have loved three but I'm not sure I would ever have got back to work after an 8 year break if we had and certainly don't regret it now. Think you need to fast forward this a bit to when the dc are older and how you will finance additional space if you find you really need it and childcare costs prohibit both of you working.

goingroundthebend4 · 31/12/2010 06:21

i had 4 dc in a 2 bed ,

Ds1 and ds2 in one bedroom were 12 and 10 at the time

then had dd 3 and ds3 in another bedroom and we slept downstairs ,.Then moved into 3 bed , ds1 and ds2 shared dd had one room ds3 had box and i still slept in the lounge

Ff have moved again as ds3 cant mange stairs and theres enough space for everyone to have own rooms but ds1 and ds2 have still chosen to share at 16 and 14 .and smallest room is study so they can get away from each others.

And after 6 years sleeping in lounge is nice to have my own room again and ye sits a kid free zone unless their poorly

goingroundthebend4 · 31/12/2010 06:21

so it can be done and my tip invest in a good sofa bed

PlentyOfParsnips · 31/12/2010 06:56

You don't say how old you are but if you're starting to think about your fertility and you definitely want a third child I'd say go for it. The menopause has come early for me and if I had waited until circumstances were ideal, I'd probably never have had my DC.

Is there a cheaper area you could move to to gain an extra room?

whoneedssleepanyway · 31/12/2010 07:50

I have a 2 bed house and 2DDs and it is fine but there is no way I would have another one while we are here (and in an ideal world I would like a third DC). The room sharing is fine the girls have bunk beds, this has necessitated moving the younger one out of a cot earlier than would have been ideal. And the girls don't disturb each other in the night if one wakes. BUT the room is at capacity with two children in it and DD1 starts school next September and I don't think it would be fair to expect her to share with a baby at that point.

Why is a move some way off? Can you move to a cheaper area?

At the end of the day people manage with less space (as has been evident from this thread) so it is by no means impossible but I personally wouldn't do it.

fifitot · 31/12/2010 08:38

At what age is it suggested children of mixed gender stop sharing? I think I was 8 when stopped sharing with my younger brother. What is anyone else's experience?

gorionine · 31/12/2010 08:42

We have 4 dcs in a 2 bedroom semi. They share 1 bedroom. Dcs got used to get dressed and undressed in the bathroom in the morning and evening. It is not ideal but it is not hell either. I think the most difficult thing is not actually the sleeping arrangements but the lack of "quiet" space during the day.

gorionine · 31/12/2010 08:44

Sorry forgot the ages 11, 9, 6 and 4, 2 girls 2 boys.

goingroundthebend4 · 31/12/2010 08:48

Fifito council guidelines used to be 7 then 10 but it means nothing just few more points many a family never do get the extra bedroom as so many people are short of a bedroom

though I did cope in a 2 bed .Now have 4 it is so much better we can all get away from each other even ithouhh ds1 ds2 share there's a study room that one can go hide in

onmyfeet · 31/12/2010 08:54

If you and your dh won't go crazy with 3 children in a small place, why not? You can't argue with your years left as a fertile woman. If you know you will be moving with in 2 years or so, it would work.

theevildead2 · 31/12/2010 09:18

I don't see the big deal, they are all still quite young.. Just remember that if you do get pregnant there is no guarentee that you will only give birth to one! Twins (or more) is always a risk!

dementedma · 31/12/2010 09:27

due to circumstances, I have 3 DCS with two bedrooms between them, leading to the awkward situation of DD (17) and DS(8) sharing a bedroom, except when DD decamps to Grandma's house where she lives for part of the week!
We hope for somehwere bigger but things don't always work out that way.
Opposite sex children can share without being damaged for life you know - how did our parents and grandparents generations survive?
I would say, that it's the age gap rather than the gender that causes the friction in our case.

porcamiseria · 31/12/2010 09:34

i think its fine, it wont kill them to share. go for it

CommanderDrool · 31/12/2010 09:44

One thing to think about is all the extra washing/housework. I have a Utility area seperate to the kitchen which has saved my sanity.

grumpypants · 31/12/2010 09:49

But, if you only have two bedrooms now, I'm guessing finances are not limitless? Can you afford another dc? Enough high earners got flamed on here for objecting to losing child benefit (if you can't afford your children, don't have them etc) but that never seems to apply (on mumsnet) to people on lower incomes. I agree with atswim - why increase the number of children in your current situation. FWIW, it's not now that matters is it, it's teenagers having to share and needing space for friends/ homework/ thinking time.

Apologies if I'm wrong.

atswimtwolengths · 31/12/2010 10:46

This is a bit like the "Eating for £10 per person per week" thread.

It's POSSIBLE to do it - of course it is, just as it's possible to have four children sleeping in one room. It's whether it's desirable for the overall health (mental health, emotional health as well as physical health) of the family.

If your situation is cramped it means you and your children don't have any solitude, any real thinking time, time away from the others. None of you can easily invite others home - and that is such a pleasure, isn't it?

You are mourning the end of your fertility - it's perfectly natural. But my mother had nine children and would still have had more. The physical yearning for a child doesn't always have to be fulfilled, you know.

SlackSally · 31/12/2010 11:13

Hmmm. I don't think sharing a room is damaging or anything, but I had to share with my two sisters until I was 12 and my older sister was 14. It was hellish. We hated each other at that point, and had nowhere to get away from each other.

Little sister had an inadequate bed for years and we lived in a horrible mess in a room that wasn't big enough for three.

So, in the short term it would probably be fine, but longer term I don't think it's particularly pleasant. I was in heaven when we moved and I finally got my own room.

Triggles · 31/12/2010 11:33

I grew up sharing with one or more of my 3 siblings while growing up. It's not that big a deal. It doesn't hurt children to share a room and learn that life is about give and take. If nothing else, we learned to compromise at a fairly early age. I don't understand all this panic that every child has to have their own room. As long as they have somewhere in the house to go to be alone if they'd like, sharing a room is generally not such a trauma.

chocolatebuttontheif · 31/12/2010 11:44

Surely it's quite crap for a 17yo girl having to share a room with an 8yo boy!

Snowfalls108 · 31/12/2010 11:51

We have a 2 bedroom place, we currently have one DS and we're now expecting twins. So the decision has been taken away from us.
I don't think it's the end of the world.

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