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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my kids havent had lots of expensive presents

280 replies

ladysybil · 26/12/2010 14:25

coz afaik, we cant afford them. (but my situation with dh and finances is another twenty threads and i dont want to get into it on this one). two of them go to private schools which we pay for, as they recive no bursaries. we live in a lovely big house, and have lots to eat and lots of clothes to wear etc.

they got things like a book. slippers. mask painting kit. etc. one thing each from us, and one thing each from their aunts and ds got us all some stuff from the pound shop as well. lovely presents and lovely christmas imo.

people i know in rl have spent a fortune on their kids for christmas. one lady i know has got her boys an ipad each. they already had laptops. most boys in ds's class have iphones or blackberries, plus all the assorted game things wii etc. ds has neither a phone ( he lost it, twice) nor a laptop (which he actually needs for schoolwork)

are my kids deprived? they think so

OP posts:
AuntiePickleBottom · 27/12/2010 22:56

i do not rate private ed at all, i would rather the money be put into a saving account and given to the children once they know what they want.

OP, how would you feel if your son wanted to be a plumber after all the money you have ploughed into there education.

tingletangle · 27/12/2010 23:24

In terms of Christmas I do not think your children are deprived. My dd received similar presents and she certainly does not feel deprived,in fact she was very excited.

It would concern me if my child voiced a concern that they felt deprived.

If my child needed a laptop for school I would get one

itsawonderfuldarleneconnorlife · 27/12/2010 23:27

I've skimmed the thread and this is my take:

I went to a private school but sometimes, when my parents' business was struggling we would be broke and I'd get shit cheap presents (much worse than OP's kids).

I remember going back after the holidays to stories of others getting camcorders etc for Xmas. Tbh even at the time I though they were spoiled brats who didn't understand the value of anything. I though that their parents were a bit daft to spend that kind of money. I had enough awareness of the world to know that getting a good education was more important than plastic electrical tat.

It did piss me off that my parents still had money for fags, though.

OP - I think you should involve your DCs in your household financial decisions. eg do they know how much the weekly shop is? Have they seen utility/ctax bills? You dont want to over-burden them but a bit of financial education is always a good thing.

CheerfulYank · 27/12/2010 23:35

Since when do we, as parents, make decisions based on not wanting our kids to be embarrassed at school? That is Hmm to me, more anything.

I hate this attitude lately that Christmas means the time for kids to get the latest gadgets and put their parents out of money for the rest of the year.

To us, it's time for family, and meals together and church and doing good things for others. DS got presents, certainly, but we didn't go crazy.
If you want to buy your kids a ton of stuff, feel free, but don't feel like you have to.

BitOfFun · 27/12/2010 23:36

I think this thread has been a bit of a waste of time, tbh. We aren't told from the beginning that the OP is Muslim and not expected to celebrate Christmas anyway, and there is a clear implication in the first post that she hasn't got a clue what their financial situation actually is, for whatever murky reason.

I disagree that children should be involved in the minutiae of family finances- especially if they are kept even from the OP.

All rather strange.

Original poster
ladysybil · 28/12/2010 01:35

Mathanxiety, do you know me in real life? I have never heard my situation described more eloquently.
networkguy, its okie. I really appreciated your taking the time and sending me those links.
bof, i'm sorry you found this thread to be a waste of time. I have found it extremely useful

thank you all for your thoughts and comments.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 28/12/2010 02:28

I'm glad you have- good luck with everything. I've been confused reading it, but if it's helped, that's great.

Thruaglassdarkly · 28/12/2010 02:37

Seriously? Deprived? NOT a chance! You sound like you're giving them a wonderful life. You shouldn't even need to ask this question on here. We kept Christmas smaller this year, so our kids wouldn't get sucked into the blatant materialism that surrounds them. We spent a lot less and were more thoughtful and our daughter's verdict was that it was her best Christmas ever. You carry on raising them right.

gorionine · 28/12/2010 07:54

"I am, according to this thread, an extremely selfish person. a bad parent. disorganised, and not a proper muslim either."

Just to clarifie my questonning about you offering christmas presents, I was not questionning you being a good Muslim, it was a comment in the light of this thread wich was about being able to afford things. My thought was that having already 2 celebrations where children get gift (pretty close together too) if I was struggling a bit with money I would not "invest" in yet another gift giving celebraton that I do not actully celebrate. I hope it was not my post who made you feel that way as I am definitely not in a positon where I can allow myself to decide who is a good Muslim and who is not.

And to repeat what I have already said, your DCs are NOT deprived!

TheFeministParent · 28/12/2010 09:09

The things I have taken from this thread are:

You are a Muslim
You live in a big house
You have an iPhone
You think your daughter needs things to make her look beautiful
You don't feel the need to pay for her education
You privately educate your sons
You do not support their education by buying laptops
You burden your children with the cost of heating

My assumption is that your husband makes all the decisions, including whether or not your daughter's education is important.

gorionine · 28/12/2010 10:46

"You do not support their education by buying laptops"

Sorry, I am not sure I understand. Do you mean that buying them laptop does not support their education or that OP does not support their education by NOT buying them laptops?

Do children not owning a laptop do significantly worse in school than those who do?

Dd bought herself a laptop, she has never used it for school work. She usually uses the family computer for all her school related stuff (projects, math homework...)

Do you assume OP' has no say in the education of her dcs because they are a Muslim family or from something else?

TheFeministParent · 28/12/2010 11:43

I assume that a woman wouldn't choose to give her daughter a worse education.

OP has said her child needs a laptop.

TBH the only families I know that have differences for private/state education divisions via gender are wealthy, Muslim or Chinese.

TheFeministParent · 28/12/2010 11:48

Actually scrap the wealthy....as they seem to make boarding decisions like Rugby, Westminster, Eton for their boys but local private for girls.

ragged · 28/12/2010 12:15

"presumably, if you are paying for something you could otherwise get for free, you believe it to be better than the free alternative?"

But I couldn't get for free a school that my DS would attend without being very unhappy (unhappy beyond what my stress levels could take, anyway). Whereas my other DC are attending the best school I can find for them (which also happens to be a local "free" state school).

This is what OP said repeatedly; her DD in state-ed is happy and achieving well, her other DC were not happy or achieving close enough to what she perceives as their potential. The decision to private ed some DC and not others is not always blatant favouritism. Sometimes it's about meeting different needs.

TheFeministParent · 28/12/2010 12:42

She has also said that she buys her dd lots of clothes and not the dss. Besides if I had one child that desperately needed private education which I could just about afford that's one thing, but both boys? and not the dd?

I'm not buying it/.

ragged · 28/12/2010 12:46

I was thinking that most people end up buying their DD more clothes (and "accessories"), whether they are conscious of it or not.
I suspect OP is just more conscious of it because she is thinking about all the relative expenses for her DC.
It's a side effect natural consequence of people saying (we year this a lot on MN) "there are no interesting clothes for boys", "my boys don't care what they wear", "my girl's hair needs more maintenance than the boys' hair", "I got my girl's ears pierced but the boys weren't bothered" etc.

ragged · 28/12/2010 12:52

I tend to spend more on clothing for DD because whatever she wears is only for her, whereas what I buy for DS1 also goes down to DS2 + DS3 (mostly). DD gets more spent on her clothes, just by virtue of being the only one of her gender.

I bet you wish you'd never started this thread, OP. Xmas Grin

confuddledDOTcom · 28/12/2010 15:48

The only time that me and my siblings were happy with school was when we were in different schools. Whenever the others went to the same school as me (as the eldest) they were unhappy (with school, not me). My brother was so unhappy it took a year to get him back into education and he had to attend a hospital school (school for long term in patients, he wasn't an in patient though) to help him recover enough.

The idea of the children of one family going to different schools that suit each of their needs differently - especially one with SEN - shouldn't be that difficult to understand. The fact that two of the schools are private is really neither here nor there.

kelway · 28/12/2010 15:58

you're all so bloody lucky to have so many children

AnyFucker · 28/12/2010 17:29

you ok, kelway ?

ragged · 28/12/2010 18:49

I'll take your word for it, Kelway. Them fighting and interrrupting anything and everything else I might want to do... it's pretty exhausting.

AnyFucker · 28/12/2010 18:56

well, ragged, as an infertilty sufferer for many years, hearing that kind of statement (even if you know it to be true) can be like a knife to the heart

just sayin'

ragged · 28/12/2010 19:03

MN is full of people whinging about our kids driving us nuts.
Are we never allowd to say such things the moment someone goes off topic to hint at infertility?

I wouldn't have posted what I just did on a thread about a infertility but how is it unreasonable to comment how hard it is to balance needs between oneself and one's children on a thread which is overwhelmingly about... balancing needs between parent and different children? Xmas Confused?

AnyFucker · 28/12/2010 19:12

how is it unreasonable to comment how hard it is to balance needs between oneself and one's children on a thread which is overwhelmingly about... balancing needs between parent and different children?

where did you do that then ?

you certainly didn't do that in the post you addressed to kelway

ragged · 28/12/2010 19:21

I said that the fighting was driving me crazy -- because as a responsible parent I have to intervene (ie, make sure their respective needs are not compromised by their fighting). Although that intervention isn't good for my needs (mental health).

Anyway,
Kelsy: I apologise if I said anything that upset you.