to have made my mum cry..

[natandchris10]

she deserved it..

saturday night her and my dad cancelled going to a birthday party because he was put on call from work.. so she said she would have LO (9months) over night for us to get a rest.. she mentioned they would nip the present to the person at the do...

bearing in mind my LO goes to bed every day without fail at 7pm, they took the present at 8.30. i spoke to mum just after 8.30 and she said they would be going straight home after 5 mins so i said fine no problem, i said please let me know your all home and LO is sleeping and ok, gets to 9.30pm and i had heard nothing so i thought i would call her.. i rang her mobile, dads mobile, dads work phone, house phone about 300000 times each and got no answer, got to 10.30 and still no answer...

I was going out of my mind..pacing the floor the phone rang at 11pm it was my mum, she tells me they are at the party and LO was 'fine'

i flipped. i couldnt belive how iressponsible she had been. her excuse was no signal. bollox cause it rang. i shouted at her until she cried.

[oneortwo]

"oneortwo. Once again, I understand your worry. But IMO you over-reacted totally. Even in your own example you extrapolate from your mum being gone for 40 minutes, to a scenario where someone is gone for a whole afternoon."

right well likewise I wouldn't tell DH I was going to walk to the corner shop (10 min round trip), then take my car keys, turn OFF my phone, and decide to take an hour and a half round trip in the opposite direction either.

[pooka]

Oneortwo - if someone trusted like. My mother said they were taking one of my babies for a spin round the block I wouldn't take it literally. What was the point in terms of time with the baby/giving you a break of going out for 15 minutes??

[oneortwo]

pooka it was quite a common occurance for us (sometimes with her) to literally walk the baby round the block if he was over tired. Same route every time. It was meant literally because it turned out she DID do that, then decided it was a nice day so she'd sod off for a longer walk without popping in on the way or phoning or even leaving her phone on incase we wondered.

so how long after someone is not back at an agreed time IS it okay to get freaked out?

[Vev]

Nasty making your mum cry.

Mind your baby yourself in future.

[pagwatch]

Jess
You have an issue with a poster raising the issue of people who have lost their mother.
You are then extrapolating that everyone agreed with her doing so. And then take that assumed agreement and broaden it further as a defense for raising the issue of abusive mothers.

I don't think either are relevant.

[TandB]

Yuno, I heard that.
I was about to agree with you but now I won't because I am sulking.

[JamieLeeCurtis]

oneortwo - I can't speak for your my mum, but I know mobile phones are a relatively recent thing for my mum, and she wouldn't necessarily call about a change of plan.

Your mum was assuming you trusted her. She made a mistake, and I understand you were upset, but I can also understand why she would feel aggrieved about being shouted at. And you still feel justified in your behaviour now.

[JamieLeeCurtis]

.. I also understand that you would have liked her to acknowledged your worry. But it's hard to do that when you are being shouted at.

[oneortwo]

part of it is that she was so horrible to me when she came back and found me upset. And to this day missinterprets events. I have calmly explained how I feel about calling if she's gonna be late back with him and leaving her phone on, but she has since compaired it to me getting held up at a funeral when she was babysitting and not phoning even though she knew where I was, she had the landline of the house I was in, I had my mobile AND I had sent a message home to her with someone else. So yes I am still upset about it but its mainly because she still doesn't GET IT!

[oneortwo]

p.s. the shouting had far more to do with frustration and hurt over that part of it, than the actual time lapse and the event itself TBH.

Doesn't sound like the OPs mother gets the problem there either.

[JamieLeeCurtis]

I see that oneortwo. Is it always stuff related to the baby?

[MadameCastafiore]

You are mad (OP!) - you shou;d have been in bed resting which is why you wanted your mother to have your child - if you trust her with your child's life why the hell did you keep ringing her?

Kid is probably crying because you are so wound up and it is rubbing off on her nothing to do with being tired probably!

[jessiealbright]

Pagwatch



Actually, I agree, I have been careless in my phrasing, thus lumping lots of people in together.
I couldn't be bothered to "name and shame" specifically, most of the time.

[DreamTeamGirl]

oneortwo

I think I must be invisible, cos I not only posted the two contradicting posts about snow to you, but also an answer to if you WBU or not, WAY earlier, but you ignored/ failed to see them both, so I shant bother to retype, but yes YABU

[FellatioNelson]

And that's from me - the world's biggest control freak and neurotic worrier. Get a grip. You wanted a break, you got one. Be thankful they had your child for the night.

[slhilly]

Thanks for answering, Kungfu.

On 1, If you and your family stick to your responses to my questions, you're a lot more restrained than me, my family and just about every family I know, where shouting, red faces and tears are fairly common occurrences -- not weekly, but not annual either. While yelling can be a loss of control, and may lead to poor outcomes, a failure to challenge unacceptable behaviour strongly enough is equally likely to be problematic. Lots of posters here haven't even acknowledged that the behaviour is unacceptable, and have said the OP should simply suck it up. That's way more unhealthy, in my view.

On 2, I am with the OP here, still. What the grandmother did was not a mistake (ie it was deliberate, not accidental) and it was considerably worse than what is implied by "not coming up to scratch" -- it was very bad behaviour (lying about childcare arrangements is just one significant part), compounded by a refusal to acknowledge that. If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck...better to call it a duck than pretend it's a chicken.

On 3, I tend to agree with you. But for me, that's because it breaks the house rules. However, some of the previous posters have done the same, as you implicitly acknowledged. And only the OP was called on her behaviour.

[Morloth]

I dunno, my Mum gets my respect and love because of all the stuff she did for me over the years. No-one else did that stuff so they don't get the same level of respect and love.

Contemplates what would happen if I called my mother any sort of name not to mention 'arsehole'.

Gets scared.

I think you sound like a nutter OP and look forward to hearing from your DIL in 30 years time on MN.

[pagwatch]

at Jess..
Not naming and shaming is a good thing in my book.

Makes sense now though so thanks.

[FellatioNelson]

Also want to add that whilst a routine is generally a very good thing for young children, too much of a routine, and a total lack of flexibility is a very bad thing in the long run. Parents need a life - stuff happens that doesn't always conveniently slot into a baby's sleep patterns. There is nothing worse than a person who is totally freaked out by any kind of spontanaiety. What one earth will the OP (and LFR) do when a second baby comes along? Then a third?

Trust me, it if you don't lighten up you'll both have nervous breakdowns.

[TyraG]

Okay I've read about half of the posts on this thread.

OP I understand being worried about not knowing where they were being that they were going to leave at 8.30 and stayed until 11.00 without you knowing and not answering their phones when you called. However, yelling at someone until they cry is quite cruel. I wouldn't expect your mom to babysit for you anymore.

LFR sounds like she's got her head so far up her ass she can't even see the break of day.

[ll31]

agree with previous poster in terms of too much routine or more accurately too much panic when routine isn't adhered to sometimes.. don't think its good idea to be obsessive about routines.. Also, think you were both unreasonable - your parents for being out of cntact as presumably they knew you'd be keen to be able to contact them but you more so for your reaction in makikng her cry. I completely understand you'd be really panicing at not being able to cntact them , I would have been, but my reaction once contact made would have bene huge relief and nothing else....

[FellatioNelson]

And you've made a rod for your own back now. All those years of potential babysitting and overnight stays at Granny's (which are an absolute godsend as the years go by, if you are lucky enough to have lovely hands-on parents) could have just evaporated before your very eyes.

You'll regret this in a year or two.

[CokeFan]

I don't think OP's mother should have agreed to look after the baby if they were planning to go out (and stay out late). If someone changes their plans then it's only right to let people know.

If you know a LO has a routine then it's not fair to keep them out late at a noisy party when you're babysitting. It's not much of a rest for the parents if you've then set them up for a couple of days of a cross, overtired baby. If parents do it as a one-off then it's their choice and they deal with the consequences.

Being out of contact for so long, especially when you've promised to call, whether the weather is bad or not is not acceptable. The OP was clearly worried about her parents as well as her baby.

It's not nice to shout at someone, but it's understandable if you're worried, and if they then cry but don't acknowledge that they did something wrong or that you were worried and upset then it only adds to the frustration.

natandchris10 - I don't think your mother's ever going to come round to your way of thinking and it's going to be difficult for you to trust your mother to do what she says she's going to do.

[TandB]

I agree with Fellatio. [That sounds like I mean something different!]

While all children are different and some thrive on routine, there is a big difference between generally doing things in the same order, around the same time, and obsessive clock-watching.

We pretty much go with the flow, but then DS has always been the ultimate portable baby - sleeps anywhere, takes everything in his stride and never gets upset if things happen in an unusual way. I watched some friends desperately trying to impose an obsessivey strict routine - ie panicking if they were going to be 10 minutes late home because it was going to throw the routine out. It led to a lot of stress and effort and I suspect that if they had relaxed a bit they might all have been a good deal happier.

[ll31]

amn't sure that keeping a baby out late one night sets parents up for couple of days of cross overtired baby - - - a couple of days! definitely not my experience and if its experience of everyone with strict routine then I'd say its one reason not to have a strict routine... however I do understand how upset you were and probably would ring and make peace now - there was wrong on both sides which generally makes making peace easier!