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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have made my mum cry..

435 replies

natandchris10 · 20/12/2010 19:59

she deserved it..

saturday night her and my dad cancelled going to a birthday party because he was put on call from work.. so she said she would have LO (9months) over night for us to get a rest.. she mentioned they would nip the present to the person at the do...

bearing in mind my LO goes to bed every day without fail at 7pm, they took the present at 8.30. i spoke to mum just after 8.30 and she said they would be going straight home after 5 mins so i said fine no problem, i said please let me know your all home and LO is sleeping and ok, gets to 9.30pm and i had heard nothing so i thought i would call her.. i rang her mobile, dads mobile, dads work phone, house phone about 300000 times each and got no answer, got to 10.30 and still no answer...

I was going out of my mind..pacing the floor the phone rang at 11pm it was my mum, she tells me they are at the party and LO was 'fine'

i flipped. i couldnt belive how iressponsible she had been. her excuse was no signal. bollox cause it rang. i shouted at her until she cried.

OP posts:
pagwatch · 21/12/2010 19:08

And again, the posters are not making bland statements, they are respond directly to the events described by the op.

Are you seriously proposing that if the poster had said ' ' I have just found out that my mother broke my daughters arm on purpose and in confronting her I called her an arse hole' the replies would have been the same.

The op clearly defined the situation and the parameters of her annoyance with her mother and posters are reacting to that not some imaginary scenario which you wish to layer on top to create a whole new context.

All posts are given within a context.

thebrownstuff · 21/12/2010 19:09

saving to enjoy later Grin like a fine wine...

YunoYurbubson · 21/12/2010 19:19

Oh arsebiscuits.

Tthread went tonto while I was composing my brilliant, reasoned response that was sure to result in pages and pages of "what Yuno said" and "I agree with Yuno".

Does anyone else secretly feel sure that many of their posts will be utterly seminal to the thread, only to be roundly ignored once again? It doesn't ever stop me trying or shatter my illusions though.

TandB · 21/12/2010 19:19

Jamielee - I think this is one of those threads where it doesn't really matter what I think. The OP clearly thinks she was being reasonable so I don't know why she bothered asking, except possibly in the hope of a bit of a MN bitchfest about unreasonable mums.

I think the mum sounds a bit silly, to be honest, but I don't suppose she meant any harm and I would have thought a bit of a serious chat about mutual expectations would have been appropriate. To shout at anyone till they cry is probably unnecessary. But I think the OP is proud of herslf and her hard-line approach so she is unlikely to take on board what has been said.

I also think there are a lot of straw-man arguments on this thread. [Proud] I can't usually spot them!

TandB · 21/12/2010 19:20

Did someone say something?

[Looks around vaguely and fails to spot Yuno.]

JamieLeeCurtis · 21/12/2010 19:22

Thankyou kungfu. Well-argued Wink

jessiealbright · 21/12/2010 19:23

I'm saying that any standards of self-censorship shouldn't be one way. If it's not okay to be ungrateful on mn for having a mother, in case someone grieving is hurt, then it shouldn't be okay to make absolute statements about mothers. In case someone is upset.

jessiealbright · 21/12/2010 19:23

I'm saying that any standards of self-censorship shouldn't be one way. If it's not okay to be ungrateful on mn for having a mother, in case someone grieving is hurt, then it shouldn't be okay to make absolute statements about mothers. In case someone is upset.

JamieLeeCurtis · 21/12/2010 19:23

I agree with Yuno

slhilly · 21/12/2010 19:25

JimmyChooChoo says "Well vile creature isn't as DISGUSTING as an arsehole IMHO.I will not explain why because you should already know."
As you say, that's your opinion. I personally think that "vile creature" is worse than arsehole -- it's deliberately dehumanising "creature". And vile is extremely strong. Whereas "arsehole" is a swearword and people will use when feeling emotional, "vile creature" is the sort of insult that people take time to craft and throw. So it implies a level of deliberate intention that's much worse, in my view. Who knows, it may even have made the OP cry.

Anyhoo, I asked you three other questions, which you've not yet answered (one now supplemented):

  1. Are there any times it's acceptable to moan or yell at someone? If her mother hadn't cried, would that have made a difference?
  2. Why is it unacceptable to call one's mother an arsehole if they've done something awful and are refusing to accept responsibility? What is an acceptable description of this kind of behaviour, in your view? Would you have been fine if she'd called her mother a vile creature, for example?
  3. Is it always unacceptable to tell MNetters to eff off? No matter what the provocation? Or is it that you think the provocation didn't warrant the response?
jessiealbright · 21/12/2010 19:25

Damn it, sorry about the double post.

oneortwo · 21/12/2010 19:27

I don't fancy your changes sihilly, I'm still waiting for a reply to my question (was I less unreasonable than the OP because my mother didn't cry in similar circumstances, even though I suspect I gave a bit more than the OP?)

oneortwo · 21/12/2010 19:29

I don't fancy your CHANCES. I have no feelings about your CHANGES???

stillbobbysgirl · 21/12/2010 19:33

YABU - in fact you a rotten person who should be ashamed upsetting your poor mum like that.

Hope you really enjoyed your rest - look after your own kids in future you lazy moo

TandB · 21/12/2010 19:34

I'll have a go at the questions:

  1. Yes, there are probably circumstances where it is acceptable to yell at someone, but it is probably preferable not to do so in almost all circumstances. Yelling is a loss of control and is unlikely to lead to any positive outcome.

  2. I think it is unacceptable to call a mother with whom you appear to enjoy a fairly normal mother-daughter relationship, with the benefits that come with it, an arse hole or a vile creature. If you have a non-existent relationship or a negative relationship then call them what you like, but accepting favours and then calling them names when they make a mistake or don't come up to scratch, is unacceptable behaviour.

  3. I think it is always unacceptable to tell MNetters to F off. Just because someone else says something unacceptable doesn't make it right for you to reciprocate.

Oneortwo's question:

I think only you can judge whether or not you were unreasonable unless you want to give a detailed description and ask for opinions. It is probably impossible for any third party to compare the two situations and say which was more unreasonable.

That's my take on the questions!

YunoYurbubson · 21/12/2010 19:35

I agree with Yuno too.

TandB · 21/12/2010 19:43

[sticks finger in ear and wiggles it around a bit]

I'm sure I heard something again...

JimmyChooChoo · 21/12/2010 19:44

SLHILLY-Vile creature is a compliment compared to 'arsehole' in mho.Any person who say that is Shock

JamieLeeCurtis · 21/12/2010 19:46

You are so wise kungfupanda. And well you might be, with that name.

oneortwo · 21/12/2010 19:47

Interesting. especially because the OP didn't give details of the actual arguement and crying initially either.

My mum took baby "round the block". After about 40 mins we went round the block to look. No mum n baby. Noticed mums car keys gone. Phone not answering. After an hour passed we started thinking about contacting police to see if they'd been taken off in an ambulance or something. About to call an she waltzed in, didn't see the problem, I shouted at her till... well till she didn't cry. Was stone faced and indignant and cold. I was hurt and relieved, and more hurt at her response to my having been worried. Asked her (shouted at her) to leave. She was being cruel not acknowleding that HER grandchild had a mother of its own who was worried.

I think some grandparents forget the middle man (parents) when they get nannie time. I would not tell DH I was going to the corner shop, then change my mind and go into town for the whole afternoon and leave him sitting home thinking we should have been back hours ago. I'd call or at least keep my phone on incase he wondered. And vica verca. Not at all an issue of not trusting the person to meet the needs of the child on their own, just a total lack of respect for the person waiting at home (with bulging leaking boobs I might add)

Again if she had have said she was going out, might pop into town or the park, and was gone for 2/3/4 hours I wouldn't worry because it was NOT about me not trusting her to care for him. She said she was walking round the block to get him to nod off, at what point do you call the hospitals IYKWIM?

My mum is not an arsehole in general, but she was a complete arsehole to me that day Sad

JamieLeeCurtis · 21/12/2010 19:51

oneortwo. Once again, I understand your worry. But IMO you over-reacted totally. Even in your own example you extrapolate from your mum being gone for 40 minutes, to a scenario where someone is gone for a whole afternoon.

YunoYurbubson · 21/12/2010 19:53

I appear to have crashed the "I agree with Panda" thread.

scurryfunge · 21/12/2010 19:54

Bloody Hell, oneortwo - you completely over reacted too.

oneortwo · 21/12/2010 19:59

she wasn't GONE 40 min, that was just when we started to get Hmm

she was gone way over an hour. No baby bag, not answering phone, car keys gone for some reason?

round the block is not far.

how long DO you wait till you call the hospitals? takes about 15 mins to get round our block!. So an hour and a half is over reacting, what about 2 hours? 3? 4? WHEN would you become frantic?

oneortwo · 21/12/2010 20:00

I wouldn't dream of looking after someone else's child without my mobile on and charged, or if that wasn't possible, accurate info about where we would be!