to expect a toddlers parent to stay overnight in hospital?

[wheresmytractor]

Last night I spent the night in hospital with my youngest son who is 16 months old. He has a possible chest infection, brochial wheeze and needed a nebuliser, inhaler, steroids, antibiotics and a nose tube with oxygen during the night.

Right next to us another toddler is brought in about 7pm. She was about the same age as my little one and had the same thing, except she actually sounded worse, a very croupy cough and quite distressed.

The nurse started to run through how the chair folds out to a bed so the mum could stay when she says "Oh, i'm not staying, i'm shattered" . She left 5 minutes later. This poor little girl howled and whinned ALL NIGHT. She would only settle a bit when she cried herself to sleep (only to wake not long after with her cough and needing her inhaler) and when a nurse cuddled her. I felt so so sorry for her. My little one needed lots of cuddles last night and I got only a little uncomfortable sleep, but I would not DREAM of leaving him there all night alone.

The mum waltzed in at 11am this morning, and I thought what a bloody cow for leaving her daughter distressed and alone and for placing that additional burden on the nurses.

So am I being unreasonable to think this?

It's a shame that experiences are so variable. At yorkhill in Glasgow the staff were brilliant. In particular one nurse called Cat ( hope you are reading! ) was like an angel through the night, every time DS's monitor went off she was there already when it woke me.

I thought the food for the kids was fantastic, nice stews, chicken casserole, lasagne and cottage pie. The canteen food was good value, you could get nice paninis and soup, as well as main meals. Much better than the unidentifiable slop when I was in the maternity ward at another hospital.

There were fold down beds for the parents, which were reasonably comfortable, I know they used to have the chairs only for parents.

I am quite surprised at how many of you expected to be fed as well t.

For me, I would never leave either of my children in hospital overnight on their own.
I am lucky enough that I would be able to find someone to have my other child overnight to leave me free for a hospital stay.
However, I do know that not everyone has that option.
If this mother had left her child alone so she could go home and sleep, I agree that that is a disgrace.
If I had had a rough few days with an ill child who then had to be hospitalized and I truely felt that I needed to rest myself in order to function, I would find a friend or family member to stay with my child for a few hours during the day whilst I went home for a nap.

trixymalixy as a B/F mum of a baby of a month old, yes I do think I should have been fed! I couldn't leave him he was so poorly and they gave bottles of milk for free to babies, so yes I do think I should have been fed. If you care well for families babies thrive IMHO.

You're a different case Mary, but seriously at some point you have to leave them to go to the loo. It doesn't take much longer to go and grab a sandwich.

When DS1 was in hospital with eczema I mentioned to the nurses that I couldn't imagine anyone leaving their hospitalised DC for a second. She said that "the very young mothers" often did and would go off shopping using the hospital like a sort of creche. She was very judgy.

For his second stay we both had D&V, caught from the first stay! The paediatrician told me to leave DS there and go home to have a rest as I was so ill myself. Not bloody likely!

My SIL told me she remembered when DH was two and had to have an operation. No parents allowed to stay then. She and her Mum had to walk out of the ward hearing DH desperately yelling "Mummy! Mummy!" Makes me want to cry even though DH can't remember any of it.

tbh I think parents with bugs themselves might do better not being there, rather than spreading more germs around hospital wards...Not always possible I know but if there is another parent or family member who can take over, I'm sure that would be best in these circs.

I think the key message for anyone reading this is that it is really hard for families when children are in hospital for a length of time, and that if anyone knows any friends/neighbours in that situation offers of practical support - caring for other children, cleaning the house, whatever, should be considered. The amount of practical caring the parents were required to do did come as a shock to me - I think before DS was in I had a naive view that the nurses would do the practical care, with parents just there for comfort and support. But that is not the case at all on a general paediatric ward.

There is every chance that that woman had the same bug as her DD, and that she also had to care for other family members with that bug.

Unbelievable, no way I could have left.

that is shocking reading Riven.

iornically some of the better nights sleep i had were (in a side room next to) the PICU ward, because I trusted the staff there to do the right thing.

Yes - oddly it's easier to leave a child in PICU than on a normal ward because you know they're getting 1-1 care. Can't sleep by the bedside anyway in PICU.

When I was 2 (in 1970) I was hit on the head witha swing and had concussion, so had to stay in hospital overnight. In those days parents couldn't stay. Whilst I have no memory of this my mum tells me that when she arrived the next day the nurses said I'd been totally quiet, not a peep out of me etc and what a good girl I'd been, they wished others were as good ase etc. However my mum says that I was actually traumatised by it, became VERY clingy and withdrawn and totally unable to be left for a minute after that (having previously been a confident child). So I would absolutely NEVER leave my child in hospital. In fact in January I'm going for a 7-day stay in hospital with DS1 (age 6)who is undergoing major orthopaedic surgery. I am totally dreading it as now I won't get any sleep etc but would not dream of leaving him.

and things need to be fetched and collected from home - nappies, clothes etc. Plus food for parent and possibly for child as well, if hospital stuff not suitable. Really it takes two people - one to look after the child and another for relief duty while that person washes etc, and to fetch and carry. Extremely difficult to manage in most families for any length of time. I remember my sister coming to visit and telling me (in an honest sisterly way..) that I smelt. Which I did, due to lack of showering opportunities.. Not my usual style but thats how it was at the time!

I was hospitalised with asthma when I was 3 in 1980 and my Mum stayed with me on the ward overnight in a bed next to mine - this despite the fact that we were actually living in a flat at the hospital at the time because my Dad worked there, so home was less than a 5 minute walk away.

I've got my judgey pants on about this woman too. If she had come back as early as possible in the morning then that would be different, but 11am is practically lunchtime FFS - and as the OP heard her saying, her partner's children were living with their mother so there were no other children to look after.
Either she or the father should have been there to look after their sick little girl.

Of course, it looked like she was only just admitted but it may not have been like that - they could've been in a&e for hours, having tests, x rays etc. When DD (17m) was very sick we took ages to get a room, it was 2am - even after we got to the ward she still had tests before going to bed.

The nurse said DH and I could both stay even though it only should've been one of us, because it was so late and there were no buses. We were immensely grateful.

I had the same at GOS when one of my son's had an op. I couldn't believe it when the mum buggered off for the night and arrived at about 11.30. Not even in time for breakfast.

I agree Riven although my DD's needs were different from your DD's I think she would have been in danger if I left her.

I dont think she would have been if she was left on the Oncology ward but definately on the general.

It was a bloody fight sometimes just to get through to them she needed her own room. They must have missed the 'you dont put a child with cancer and no immune system on a ward with kids with infectious diseases' lecture

Then there was the times they tried to give her blood without anthisthamime 'cover' because 'she will be fine dear' no she fucking wont she is allergic to blood products.
Giving her drugs she was allergic to.
Asking me if one bed side would do when I asked for them to be put on her bed. Erm no, she has just developed epilepsy and I would rather she didnt fall out of bed during a seizure ta.
Trying to give her warmed over food (see sarky comment about kids with no immune systems above)
I could go on and on but I wont because Christmas is hard enough without bringing all this crap up.
I have PTSD, I dont want to be melodramatic but its in part to the stuff that happened in hosptials, the stress caused by having to push all the time, be on constant alert, being terrified all the time.

I know there are times when parents cant stay with their children. But having done it for two years with another two children (one who wasnt even legally ours yet and had sn) and a disabled husband who still had to work and NO family help - we still managed it.

I wouldnt judge unless I knew the circumstances though. If the circumstance are as simple as the OP then I would judge muchly.

I have had to take my kids to the hosptial since DD died despite having an absolute terror of hospitals. Because its my job isnt it? Its what you do when you have kids.

On the other hand, if someone really couldnt stay with their child because of circumstances I would feel nothing but sympathy for them. How awful to have to leave them when you are longing to be with them - torture

Thanks Riven.

I always tell people to make sure they debrief themselves IYSWIM after a hospital admission. Give yourself time to deal with what happened, even if its just a day, before you get on with your life.

Its really important. If I had, I may not be in quite the state I am now. I thought I was doing the right thing, getting on, not telling anyone how awful it was. I didnt think it was worth OH or anyone else having those images in their heads.

I wish I had Mumsnet then, it would have helped so much.

I send all my love to everyone caring for their sick kids. You are doing the most amazing job.

I'm so sorry for the people who've had such awful experiences in hospitals :( it shouldn't be that way. x

Its bloody awful isnt it?

I have such a weird mix of emotions. I almost idolise Doctors and Nurses, I would be so happy if one of my boys became a medic. But I hate hospitals so much. So many things go wrong and its almost always because someone hasnt been arsed to do their job properly.

It can be a clerk who wanted to get off home early so didnt pull those notes, a radiographer who goes to lunch before sorting out those films, a cleaner who doesent change their mop before cleaning an isolation ward...

It doesnt have to be a big thing, someone just not going the whole way, falling a tiny bit short.

It can mean so much to the family on the end of that chain of events.

I am amazed now at how naive I was with my expectations of care in hospital. I used get annoyed with my Granny - who was terrified of going, and persuaded me and other family members to give her 24 hour care at home when ill, just to avoid it. I tried to reason with her, to persuade her that hospital staff were generally decent people who would look after her. She never explained what had made her so frightened

I think I'd have found some of the accounts on here hard to believe, before my own experience - which was trivial compared to those of MrsDeVere and Riven and others have. My complaints were not taken seriously, at the highest level, they did not give a damn how badly we'd been treated.

As pointed out above, if you are naively trusting, as I used to be, leaving a sick child in the care of hospital staff may seem no different from leaving them in the care of nursery staff or teachers, or other professionals. Parents should be told that their children should not be left alone.