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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect a toddlers parent to stay overnight in hospital?

339 replies

wheresmytractor · 17/12/2010 19:45

Last night I spent the night in hospital with my youngest son who is 16 months old. Sad He has a possible chest infection, brochial wheeze and needed a nebuliser, inhaler, steroids, antibiotics and a nose tube with oxygen during the night.

Right next to us another toddler is brought in about 7pm. She was about the same age as my little one and had the same thing, except she actually sounded worse, a very croupy cough and quite distressed.

The nurse started to run through how the chair folds out to a bed so the mum could stay when she says "Oh, i'm not staying, i'm shattered" Shock. She left 5 minutes later. This poor little girl howled and whinned ALL NIGHT. She would only settle a bit when she cried herself to sleep (only to wake not long after with her cough and needing her inhaler) and when a nurse cuddled her. I felt so so sorry for her. My little one needed lots of cuddles last night and I got only a little uncomfortable sleep, but I would not DREAM of leaving him there all night alone.

The mum waltzed in at 11am Angry this morning, and I thought what a bloody cow for leaving her daughter distressed and alone and for placing that additional burden on the nurses.

So am I being unreasonable to think this?

OP posts:
girlsyearapart · 18/12/2010 14:19

Yanbu op.
Had 5 nights in hospital with dd3 a few weeks ago as she also had Bronchiolitis. Yes of course you're tired, they re up wheezing all flipping night!
I 'slept' there even though the stress, heat and exhaustion were making my MS flare up. The other two who are two and three went to my mums when I took dd3 to a and e and I didn't see them until we were discharged.
We left her for about 20 mins while Dh swapped with me but overnight? No way.
Much respect to parents of children who have long term admissions.
My nephew was in the nicu for 7 weeks and it was awful. My sister stayed on the final night before he was allowed home that was all you were allowed.

pud1 · 18/12/2010 14:24

i spent a week in manchetser childrens hospital in feb. the wards had playrooms and play supervisors for patents and visitors. there was a little buy who was 4, he hed ben in for 6 months. in the whole time o was there i saw his mum once. she came for about 15 mins with her other child. the nurses who were already pushed had to do all his personal care. it was upsetting to witness it.

JustKeepSparkling · 18/12/2010 14:25

OP - YANBU.

Sadly saw similar in GOSH when there with DS2 last year.

2 little girls (not related) were on the 6 bed ward where we waited for a while pre-admission (DS2's room had to be totally sterilised to minimise infection to him while he had his brain surgery, so we waited a while).

Both had sever neurological issues so I can (kind of) see that their mums didn't feel they HAD to be there as they were fairly unaware of their surroundings, but tbh that made it even sadder for me.

The one next to us only settled with her dummy and I put it back in a few times when she was crying as the nurses were so busy.
Her mum rocked up hungover late in the morning, and there were various heated discussions with the SW attached to the hosp about the parents room she was staying in as it was a double and they wanted to mover her to a single so a couple could move in - she was having none of it, grr. She had come round in some a&e dept elsewhere that morning after having her stomach pumped or something.

Other little girl's mum turned up with a friend also late morning and proceeded to have a series of loud phone calls about her older son who had skipped school and was hanging out with an aunt and the aunt was being told to lie to the police if they asked if he was there.

Lovely.

I know there are times a parent can't stay but DH & I judged away freely those hours we sat there. Those poor girls were so small and vulnerable, i'm still :( when i think about them.

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 18/12/2010 19:43

I don't think its actually SAFE to leave a child in hospital without a parent. Just IMHO but I really don't think it is.

LynetteScavo · 18/12/2010 20:11

If I were in the OP's situation, I too would have initially judged, but then I have a DH and family/friends I could call on if my DC went into hospital.

Personally I would never leave my child alone in hospital, but I don't know everybody else's situation. Maybe the mother in who left her child was ill herself/wasn't the child's mother etc.

It's not that many years ago people left their children in hospital over night, and it's still normal to leave premature babies. I'd like to see them tell me I had to leave my premature baby, though. Hmm

Unwind · 18/12/2010 20:38

Lynette - the reality is that you may be utterly exhausted - physically and emotionally, worn out from fighting, browbeaten, still bleeding heavily. The nurses are the authority figures.

But I'll never forgive myself for leaving my baby.

LynetteScavo · 18/12/2010 20:50

You are quite right Unwind...it is very easy for me to say I would never do something, when I have never been in that situation.

nicolamumof3 · 18/12/2010 21:11

YANBU if this had been a caring mother who had childcare issues i think she would have said?? 'Oh i really don't know if im going to be able to stay, i will need to find childcare for x,y,z'

I really cannot see thats the excuse here. Makes me worry the level of care this child receives at home.

I spent a week on the floor when my 7week old ds1 was in hospital (10years ago admittedly) the nurses tried to send me home even though i was bf said he could have formula i refused.

MumNWLondon · 18/12/2010 21:18

I actually don't think this should be allowed (ie to leave a child (under a certain age (maybe 8?) in hospital unless under special circumstances - eg planned hospital stay, child used to being there and likely to sleep all night.

I would be more sympathetic if she said I'm really sorry but I can't stay I'm a single mum and have no one to look after other children. But to say she was too tired Sad Sad Sad.

lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 18/12/2010 21:25

DD2 had pnemonia a few years back and I never left her side and I have another child with Autisim. DH, family and friends helped out.
There was a biy there who was about 9 who had fallen down the stairs and done alot of damage and I too was shocked that his parents left him and didnt come in until late morning and then left at about 3pm till next day :(
I know when we were there the nurses were stretched and I soon learnt what all DD2 machines meant and when I had to call a nurse.

tholeon · 18/12/2010 21:39

unwind - please do forgive yourself, you did it for all the reasons you have mentioned.

GothAnneGeddes · 18/12/2010 21:43

AFAIK NICU's now allow parents to visit 24/7, but unfortunately they don't have sleeping in facilities for parents, unless it's just prior to discharge.

Sirzy · 18/12/2010 21:45

When DS was in hospital on CPAP at 8 weeks old with bronchi on night 3 I was sent home by the staff - I was physically and emotionally exhausted and could do nothing but cry. I was lucky that my Mum could stay with DS for the odd night but otherwise it would have got to a point when I had to go home for a while (I would have probably gone during the day) because I would have been useless to DS in the state I was in.

From the inital overheard version of events yes perhaps she should have stayed but I don't think its possible to judge without knowing the full circumstances.

bibbitybobbitysantahat · 18/12/2010 21:49

Coming very late to this but I left my 8 month old dd in hospital at 1am, went home and slept for a few hours, and came back at 8am.

I had to do this because the nurses station was just outside our room and they wouldn't stop talking, and the child in the room next to ours had lots of alarms and bleepers on her machinery going off constantly.

I knew that I would have to look after dd all day the next day and also knew I would be unable to do so on no sleep whatsoever.

BaroqinAroundTheChristmasTree · 18/12/2010 21:49

that is my worst nightmare - one of my children being in hospital. There's no-one that could have my DS's at short notice (their dad does have them reasonably regularly to stay overnight - but it's all got to be planned - and he's nigh on impossible to get hold of when he's not got them) and by the time I'd got them off to school in the morning it would probably be close to 10.30 before I got to the hospital because of where it is Sad

Sirzy · 18/12/2010 21:52

Dont forget when you bring a child home from hospital they are still generally ill and need even more attention than normal. As the nurse pointed out to me I was more use to DS fairly well rested when he got home (after 11 days in) than I would have been going that long without sleep.

JustKeepSparkling · 18/12/2010 22:06

Actually I can more understand leaving a baby in NICU tbh, they have such high staff ratios and are being monitored by so many machines and are so well looked after.

It's the slightly older ones, but not old enough to express themselves properly, but who aren't specifically being 'watched' by a nurse.
Sometimes little ones will get left to cry because the nurses are too busy and that is heart-breaking.

An older, expressive child you could explain why you had to leave and what was happening, etc.

MrsFantasticFox · 18/12/2010 22:07

YANBU

I would not leave my children in hospital on there own. No excuse. If i had to leave my other children at home prior to bringing another one to hospital i would arrange suitable care knowing full well i would not be returning until my child was A. well enough to leave or B. Someone familiar was here i.e. daddy to take over at the hospital.

Its different with small babys who can take comfort from anyone.. but to leave a toddler who knows exactly who mummy is and can think "where has my mummy gone? why has she left me?"

NO excuse.

GothAnneGeddes · 18/12/2010 22:08

Sirzy - This is true, so I hope this thread isn't making you feel bad about getting rest when you needed it.

Unwind · 18/12/2010 22:08

tholeon - thank you, easier said than done though

sirzy - that was one of the arguments nurses used to get me to leave - it is a valid one. Being properly "shattered" means not being much use.

oldraver · 18/12/2010 22:12

I know some newer NICU's/SCBU's have facilities for parents to stop but many havn't so you dont have any choice but to go home

At my hospital you agreed a care plan with your childs nurse and worked round that. As I lived 20 miles away from hopspital but a notoriously long journey in rush hour DS's nurse suggested I come in for his 11am feed which meant I could leave home just before half 10 rather than having to leave an hour or more had I had to get there for 8am say.

I would stay until his 11pm feed/change etc which would usually meen leaving the hospital anything as late as 1am, get home express, sort out stuff for tomorrows visit, go to sleep. I did get to have a few hours sleep which I wouldn't of had in hospital but I would of preffered to of been able to stay in

BaroqinAroundTheChristmasTree · 18/12/2010 22:13

well this thread at least warns me that if any of my boys ever need to stay in hospital I shouldn't post to say I'm at home while they'r ein hospital - otherwise I'd get roundly jumped on.

Sirzy · 18/12/2010 22:14

Goth - Not at all. I was doing what was best for DS and for me really. Like I said I was lucky my mum could stay with him anyway (although when he was at his worse we weren't allowed to sleep in his room anyway and were put up in a side room)

Before he was ill I was very much of the "its heartless and cruel to leave" attitude but having been in that situation you soon realise it isn't that straight forward.

He was recently in for another week and I slept every night but did go out for times during the day (normally leaving him with another relative) but he wasn't as ill then so it wasn't as draining IYSWIM. That said, but day 7 I was sat in tears with the Sister from the ward after the dr had been and said we couldn't go home yet.

I am also lucky that our peads department is fantastic and the staff love DS as he has spent to much time there in the past year.

princessparty · 18/12/2010 22:23

YABU you don't have the faintest idea what her circumstances are.The being tired bit might very well have been because she didn't want to go into all the whys and wherefores in front of a ward full of judgey parents like you!!
When i was a child I was hospitalised many, many times between age 2 and 4 and in those days parents weren't allowed to stay with their children and Icried myself to sleep every night.But I lived to tell the tale!

A1980 · 18/12/2010 22:26

YANBU

I spent a night in hospital when I was a child. She was a single parent and she stayed on a camp bed with my 8 yo brother beside her, in the same bed. There are ways to manage it.