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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect a toddlers parent to stay overnight in hospital?

339 replies

wheresmytractor · 17/12/2010 19:45

Last night I spent the night in hospital with my youngest son who is 16 months old. Sad He has a possible chest infection, brochial wheeze and needed a nebuliser, inhaler, steroids, antibiotics and a nose tube with oxygen during the night.

Right next to us another toddler is brought in about 7pm. She was about the same age as my little one and had the same thing, except she actually sounded worse, a very croupy cough and quite distressed.

The nurse started to run through how the chair folds out to a bed so the mum could stay when she says "Oh, i'm not staying, i'm shattered" Shock. She left 5 minutes later. This poor little girl howled and whinned ALL NIGHT. She would only settle a bit when she cried herself to sleep (only to wake not long after with her cough and needing her inhaler) and when a nurse cuddled her. I felt so so sorry for her. My little one needed lots of cuddles last night and I got only a little uncomfortable sleep, but I would not DREAM of leaving him there all night alone.

The mum waltzed in at 11am Angry this morning, and I thought what a bloody cow for leaving her daughter distressed and alone and for placing that additional burden on the nurses.

So am I being unreasonable to think this?

OP posts:
hatesponge · 17/12/2010 23:25

Some years ago DS1 (then 8 months) was admitted as an emergency to hospital, and after surgery put onto what I think was termed an infant gastric ward. Many of the babies had been there for a number of months with long term problems. Their parents used to visit them daily, but most never stayed overnight other than at weekends, because of work, caring for other children, etc.

I spent 3 days and nights on the ward with DS, in an upright chair. There was no bed for me, and as I cannot sleep sitting up, I basically had no sleep for all that time. His father was not on the scene, and there was no one else who could stay with him. On the 4th night, a relative who lived nearby (the hospital was over an hour from my home) told me to come and stay with her and get a hot meal and some sleep as I was completely exhausted. The nurses were quite happy for me to do so. Slightly different than the OP's situation I know, but expect given comments made above, some people would think I was wrong to have left him overnight in any event.

TurkeyMartini · 17/12/2010 23:29
TurkeyMartini · 17/12/2010 23:29
walkinginaWUKTERwonderland · 17/12/2010 23:30

I said similar Hec. Why would you lie?

Hatesponge I don't think anyone would judge you. You didn't breeze off for 16 hours on your first (hopefully first) night.

Unwind · 17/12/2010 23:30

If families are in practice obliged to provide all nursing care - shouldn't they a) make this clear and b) provide camp beds? Parents will often have, or have just had, the same bugs that will have caused their child to be admitted, they do need respite.

When I was a small child in hospital in the 1980s, no parents stayed on the ward. I doubt it would even have been allowed, not everyone is aware that times have changed.

xstitchsnowscene · 17/12/2010 23:30

hatesponge it was parents like you I was trying to defend with my posts. I hope you Ds keeps well now.

walkinginaWUKTERwonderland · 17/12/2010 23:30

argh - hopefully last night, of course.

TurkeyMartini · 17/12/2010 23:33

No they wouldn't, hatesponge. I can't see that anybody would. It sounds about as different from the op's account of what she saw as it could possibly be. You were obviously keen to be there for your child. You stayed for nights on end.

Unwind · 17/12/2010 23:34

The lack of food for parents is crap too. How hard would it be to ensure there is a sandwich vending machine nearby?

Blackletterday · 17/12/2010 23:38

I didn't even know you COULD leave them tbh. Ds2 was admitted at 3 weeks and there seemed to be about 3 nurses for a ward of 30 Hmm. If we had left ds I'm pretty sure he would have screamed for hours on end.

Was odd actually, the ward seemed very very understaffed for a childrens ward.

FrostyAndSlippery · 17/12/2010 23:40

I was lucky when I stayed with DS just before his first birthday. They asked what kind of milk he needed and I said I was BFing and the nurse immediately said "I'll get you a menu" - I got hospital meals for the whole time.

Blackletterday · 17/12/2010 23:46

NICU's are different obviously, dd was in there when born and I wasn't there every minute, they have a better staff ratio.

I was in hospital for about 3 weeks with a badly broken leg aged 12, someone stayed with me most/every night I think. I was in a lot of pain though.

I couldn't leave a child in hospital, would be terrifying for them, seems very odd that she did.

I remember Sue Barton too, and one called hospital at night that I loved.

Unwind · 17/12/2010 23:46

Can sick parents stay on a paediatric ward? The last time my DD was almost sent to hospital (I begged GP to let me keep trying to rehydrate her at home), we all had a nasty GI bug.

snowyweather · 17/12/2010 23:47

I do not think you can judge. Sorry.

nightmarebeforechristmas · 17/12/2010 23:50

i have to say I thing the way children are looked after in hospital is plan bad.
when dd was in there, I was expected to be with her all the time, the nurses were too busy(not their fault), but even a super human needs food/toilet.....to breathe.
we were(I palled up with another mum in same situation) even told not to leave their wheelchairs in the ward.........
wtf so what happens if we have to move them

hatesponge · 17/12/2010 23:53

I think I was probably gone for about 8 hours in all, just enough time to get in a few hours of sleep in a bed with a pillow (the luxury!). I should add DS is now a strapping 12 year old and has been in very good health ever since (thankfully):)

I do agree though with the suggestion of fold up beds/better food etc for parents - I was in hospital as a 5 year old to have my tonsils out over 30 years ago and my mum got to stay with me for the week I was there, on a proper bed; when my DS was admitted it never occurred to me that there would be less provision than there had been when I was a child.

NorthernLurker · 18/12/2010 00:14

I'm quite happy to judge this woman on the basis of what the op heard. I agree - if she had another reason she would have said.
In certain high dependancy situations it isn't possible for parents to stay but in nearly every other setting it is and a sick child will always be happier with a parent - even a knackered one there. My friend's daughter just had a sudden appendicitis op. Two nights in hospital and the girl is 12 - never occurred to my friend not to stay. If you can, you do.

ReindeerBollocks · 18/12/2010 00:14

Hec - fair point, based on the first post by OP it did seem strange that a mother would leave a baby who was upset, but it didn't sound like a full story - rather than the mother was lying. People were trying to say that being tired may not have been the 'only' reason to leave the child - thereby giving the mother of the child the benefit of the doubt.

Maktaitai - I said I had and would leave DS, I find it odd that you would call me weird and think this is sad for DS based on no knowledge of me or my life. Please keep your pity for someone who needs it (not my DS).

I will stress that there is a difference between a child who will stay in hospital once or twice during their childhood, compared to my DS who unfortunately knows our local hospital so well that he classes it as a second home and due to circumstance has stayed on his own at hospital. I also reiterate that 90% of my sons care has always been provided by myself when he is in hospital.

firsttimemum77 · 18/12/2010 00:18

YADNBU - about a year ago my then 2 year old was admitted to hospital for 5 days. I stayed throughout! The 'bed' was soooooo uncomfortable and i was exhausted! But there was no way I was leaving my poorly child!

Kewcumber · 18/12/2010 00:47

I know no-one else has even noticed this and I really shouldn;t let it bug me, but I just can;t let it go...

"Oh my God, UK hospitals are just like famous Romaninan orphanages!" No, they aren't. Not even close.

Caboodle · 18/12/2010 08:50

YANBU (I also have judgey pants on, but like most of my other pants, they are designed for comfort not speed). When DS1 was in hospital I stayed, there was no bed and reclining chair didn't work so I went on a hunt of 'forbidden' cupboards in the ward, found a matress, told the nurse I wanted it, slept on the floor (with DS actually who wouldn't leave my side so wouldn't sleep in the cot). Woman said she was shattered -she didn't say to her DC 'I am sorry darling, I must get home to x,y,z but I'll be back first thing etc.

InPraiseOfBacchus · 18/12/2010 08:58

I don't think any mother would desert a toddler in a hospital by choice. You are being a bit of a mummy martyr.

I think you're exaggerating her attitude by using words like "waltzed". She may have made a comment like "I'm shattered" because she wanted to make conversation or didn't want to have to explain to a stranger about how worried she was about her other kids at home.

Tarenath · 18/12/2010 09:02

YADNBU if she was actually just going home to sleep.

DS had a stint in hospital over his 2nd birthday and DH and I took it in turns to stay overnight. The only time he was left on his own was for 20 minutes when I went to fetch DH and then I'd always let the nurses know.
I did notice there didn't seem to be anyone else who was there as much as we were, but everyone had individual rooms so no real way of knowing. I think some of the children on the ward were there for respite care too.

Ephiny · 18/12/2010 09:10

I still think it's a bit harsh to judge people who may not know that you're supposed to stay, that at some point in recent years it's been decreed that a 'good' parent must do so. The rules of correct parenting seem to change so much.

As I said, it would not ever have occurred to me that a parent would stay overnight, I would have assumed that you visit every day at the appropriate time and otherwise leave your child in the capable hands of the nurses and doctors, and that they wouldn't want parents hanging around and getting in the way. Just as when you drop your child off at nursery or school surely most of you just assume it's OK leave them until it's time to pick them up. If it's really true that there is no nursing care available for children and that parents are expected to do everything including giving medication (!) as some have implied, then that should be made very clear to them when the child is admitted, and really they should be given some basic training!

I don't see there's any need for all the competitive martyrdom about who slept in a chair/went without sleep or food etc for longest.

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 18/12/2010 09:19

I've long experience of hospitals with dd and there are parents who leave their children overnight because it's free babysitting. But IME they are in the minority. Most I've met leave because they've no other choice and they hate doing it.

I do think that staffing on children's wards has evolved around the expectation that parents stay. They can afford to have less staff on duty because the majority of parents take up the slack doing the caring. Given the choice (which I acknowledge I'm lucky to have) I wouldn't leave my child alone on a standard children's ward, even in one of the best hospitals in the country. I've paced the wards at night with a screaming child that's not mine because the staff have been too pulled out to help out.