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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you tell me IABU I won't do it, do I take DC's money?

259 replies

DorasDilema · 17/12/2010 10:30

We are really struggling at the moment due to the time of year and DH?s hours been cut back at work.

We have scrimped together every penny to buy the DC a few small Christmas presents.

A distant relative sent me £30 in a card for the DC. Usually when this happens I give it out to the DC and they fritter it away on sweets etc. But as we are struggling so much this year I was thinking of keeping the money because it would help us hugely and mean we can buy a few treats for everyone for Xmas and the children already have presents from us and will gets loads from friends and family over the Christmas period

Trouble is I feel like it?s really wrong! Am I stealing from my children? I am so torn!

Ahh what do I do??

OP posts:
ProfYaffle · 17/12/2010 15:57

fwiw I agree with those who say it's fine to use the money to make Christmas just that bit nicer for everyone. If I sent £30 to a relative and found out they had to spend it on the Christmas trappings, I'd be pleased I could've made a difference to their Christmas. I'd probably send a hamper as well as the money to following year.

I also love the idea of wrapping all the goodies in a box and saying it's a hamper from Aunty X.

ballstoit · 17/12/2010 16:06

hairy, if you have both lived in poverty and work with people who experience it too, I would have thought that you would have had a little more sympathy with the op, and perhaps bit a little less vociferous in your answer.

Poverty is draining, you should know this yourself. To live from day to day having to choose between heat and food as an adult living alone is hard. To live this way with 6 children is awful, and an example to me of the way that the working poor suffer in our country.

Okay, you think she would BU to spend the money on herself, but to say rand her thief is, nevertheless very harsh. You are of course entitled to your opinion, it's just a shame that your expression of it lacked any empathy for the distress of another human being.

Mercedes519 · 17/12/2010 16:10

doras please tell us your shoe size, I have some size 7 walking boots which I no longer use. Happy to share as lots of other posters are. Think of it like a secret Santa with a foot fetish...

pink4ever · 17/12/2010 16:11

Is sodding off because hairy told me too.HO HO HO [sbiscuit]

pink4ever · 17/12/2010 16:12

meant Xmas Biscuit so have another Xmas Biscuit

herbietea · 17/12/2010 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ballstoit · 17/12/2010 16:17

Prompted by Herbie, I've just asked DSS1 (10). He suggests spiltting it, half to the kids to spend on sweets/comics etc. Half for the op to spend on family treats.

hairyfairylights · 17/12/2010 16:17

ballstoit

"it's just a shame that your expression of it lacked any empathy for the distress of another human being." I disagree.

Perhaps I could have put 'so sorry you find yourself here'.

I haven't said I haven't got sympathy with the OP's dilemma and I don't think I have lacked empathy.

I don't need anyone to tell me that poverty is draining - if it felt the way it did when I was living with it without six children, I can't imagine how hard it is for someone with six children.

I've given a clear opinion on the question asked by the OP. Other's have confused the issue (OP never asked whether she should spend the money on new shoes) and have flung personal insults about.

She is in a dilemma, has said she feels like it's stealing (her words) and used the words 'take the DCs money' and she's asked for opinions.

I've given my opinion.

Why can't people understand that this is AIBU and that's how it works?

ballstoit · 17/12/2010 16:22

"I'd be mighty pissed off if their mum had bought 'family treats' with it"

"is it only me that is really shocked that people take the money rellies give to their children??? and to think that it's theft? "

"If a rellie gives money 'to the children' and the parent 'takes' it, then it's theft! and not being used in the spirit it is given."

Empathy - experiencing another's feelings, by exercising one's own imagination.

Does it sound like you were empathetic? Really?

weeper · 17/12/2010 16:25

My dad still tells the story of a night he was going out for a pint with his pals, realised he didn't have any cash on him, and luckily found my brother's birthday card with 20 quid in it lying on the side. He got some horrified looks when he pulled his child's birthday card out of his pocket to buy a round! Grin

One year my gran bought me an easter egg and my mum, who is diabetic, ate it when she was having a hypo. Should I have been upset that she'd 'stolen' something that was intended as a gift for me?

I think in this case the OP should stop torturing herself. She's going to use the cash to buy nice things for the kids. She's said they'd prob fritter it on sweets and she's planning to buy chocs with it, so bingo. The po-faced brigade who are accusing her of 'theft' need to get a bit of perspective. Being poor sucks, especially at xmas time.

walkinginaWUKTERwonderland · 17/12/2010 16:28

Dora said in her OP 'We are really struggling this year...we've scrimped to buy presents'. She then went on to say her shoes are inadequate.
That's the context she's asking the question in, and massively relevant.
Referring to the shoes is hardly confusing the issue.

People do get AIBU. If someone is being unreasonable they get picked up on it.

hairyfairylights · 17/12/2010 16:29

ballstoit. I understand what empathy means.

But I don't understand your need to argue that I am/have not been empathetic.

FWIW, it sounds to me like the OP is in a difficult situation financially, with a large family, and that she is also in a dilemma.

I do empathise with her.

She asked, and I answered, in the context of the OP.

If it helps at all, I did not post anything to be deliberately unampathetic. I just answered the question, as this is AIBU.

Feels a little like 'pick on the posters who don't agree with everyone else' here.

mountainmonkey · 17/12/2010 16:40

Does the relative know how skint you are? And would they find out if you didn't give it to the children?
Borrowing it sounds reasonable to me in the circumstances. I would do it if I was in your situation.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 17/12/2010 16:43

I would buy some boots / wellies for you OP, there are some on the Asda website for £12.50. Then a gingerbread house kit which is £5 in Lidl plus it needs cocktail sticks and something else, icing sugar maybe so another £1.50 for that, total so far £19. the DC's can all make the gingerbread house and it's something else nice to eat. Then I'd allocate £1 per child for a token gift to be wrapped. eg hairclips, felt tips, coloring book etc, which takes it to £25 (or is it £24, sorry can't remember how many DC's. Then the remaining £5 into Lidl or Aldi for some mince pies and something.

I'd tell the DC's that the Aunty X sent some money so here's a little present each, something for you all to make and some mince pies and chocolate to go with our Christmas meal.

Guitargirl · 17/12/2010 16:47

YADNBU. I have done this when on mat leave and things were very tight. I do plan on putting that money into the children's accounts when we stop paying for childcare and can afford it.

Please don't feel guilty about it - you spend it in the way that would bring you most benefit as a family.

TruthSweet · 17/12/2010 16:56

If things are that tight you haven't got a spare £1 for some mince pies and a pack of biscuits for Xmas tea and Great Aunt sent a X-Box game or something for the children, I'd be recommending you took it to Cash Converters or similar to sell it.

I have never been so poor that I have had to do that thankfully but have been brought up on the breadline and I would have been horrified if mum had gone with out to that extent (no dry shoes) whilst I had sweets and toys. And, by breadline, I mean so poor we qualified for EU surplus dog food stewing steak and we ate it too, foul though it was. Tasted better than no food I'll bet.

BarbarianMum · 17/12/2010 17:01

If I gave money to a relative's children I would be pleased to think it had been used for something the family needed if times were tough - even if that something was really dull, like paying a heating bill, let alone buying some nice food for everyone.

Actually, OP, if I were your relative I'd be happy for you to use it to buy a watertight pair of shoes. Much better than sweets.

ProfYaffle · 17/12/2010 17:05

I rather enjoyed the Eu steak Grin

bluesheep · 17/12/2010 17:09

I hope the OP has taken some of the sensible advice on here, rather than get scared off by the infighting.

FWIW I think getting the older kids together and asking them what they think is best is a great idea, then buying a load of ingredients so the kids can make a bunch of mince pies and Christmas biscuits. That way they get to make a load of treats for very little money and have fun doing it.

If you are like me and have monster feet I have some size 8 flat boots that you are more than welcome to by the way.

Merry Christmas.

Original poster
DorasDilema · 17/12/2010 17:21

herbietea, you DC sound lovey!

Have to be quick as have the DC's tea on but will come back and have a proper read this evening.

FWIW we do budget but DH has lost quite a few hours at work which has had a huge impact on us.

Also I get the impression that some think its irresposable to have 6 children. I didn't choose it this way. They are not all biologically mine. Dsis passed away earlier this year and the children now live with me and DH and I wouldn't have it any other way (apart from wishing my sister was still here)

OP posts:
christmasrocks · 17/12/2010 17:25

Doras, you`ve bought a tear to my eye, what lovely parents you are and lucky lucky children for having you. You spend that money and enjoy the christmas as best you can. Your sister would be so proud of you. Xmas Smile

comewhinewithme · 17/12/2010 17:35

Dora,I have 6 dc so know how hard it can be at times. You sound like a lovely Mum and I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas.

hairyfairylights · 17/12/2010 17:39

Gosh, Doras, you are an angel for that, and I am so sorry about your sister.

Christmasrocks is right. Your sister would be so proud.

I do hope that I did not imply at any stage any judgement about you having six children. And if I did, then I apologise for that unreservedly right here, and right now.

I personally certainly do not think that it is any of my business at all how many children people have or how they come to have them!!

I do really hope you have a lovely Christmas, whatever you decide to do - and at the end of the day it is your decision what to do!

welshbyrd · 17/12/2010 18:01

Doras - you sound like a GEM

Take the money get yourself new shoes a bottle of wine, you surely deserve it

needafootmassage · 17/12/2010 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.