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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you tell me IABU I won't do it, do I take DC's money?

259 replies

DorasDilema · 17/12/2010 10:30

We are really struggling at the moment due to the time of year and DH?s hours been cut back at work.

We have scrimped together every penny to buy the DC a few small Christmas presents.

A distant relative sent me £30 in a card for the DC. Usually when this happens I give it out to the DC and they fritter it away on sweets etc. But as we are struggling so much this year I was thinking of keeping the money because it would help us hugely and mean we can buy a few treats for everyone for Xmas and the children already have presents from us and will gets loads from friends and family over the Christmas period

Trouble is I feel like it?s really wrong! Am I stealing from my children? I am so torn!

Ahh what do I do??

OP posts:
duckymum · 17/12/2010 10:45

Are you "missing" bits of Christmas you would normally have? e.g. cake, pudding, big box of chocolates. If so could you use the money to buy what you would have and tell the children that "Aunty X sent us this lovely pudding" etc.
Or if you just want a few extra treats, can you get them involved - let them know that Relative has sent some money for family treats, and let them decide together with you how to spend it.

I don't think it is stealing from your children if you use the money to give your family a a better Christmas, as long as they understand they aren't getting it to spend as and when as well.

ChunkyChick · 17/12/2010 10:46

YADNBU

hairyfairylights · 17/12/2010 10:47

is it only me that is really shocked that people take the money rellies give to their children??? and to think that it's theft?

I am really gob-smacked. Although I expect someone will flame me, I just can't believe anyone would think this is reasonable behaviour.

I will make more effort to actually buy presents rather than send money from now on!

Original poster
DorasDilema · 17/12/2010 10:47

We would definately use the money towards the 'missing' bits like Chocolates and cakes. Good idea sparkling to buy them and tell the DC they are from their Great Aunt!

OP posts:
TheUnmentioned · 17/12/2010 10:50

hairy bit harsh no? i dont do it because i dont have to thankfully but i would never judge someone for doing it so long as

a/ the money still benefited the kids
b/they had other pressies
c/the kids knew they had been given a gift by 'x'

verytellytubby · 17/12/2010 10:50

Spend it on wine Wink

I don't think it's unreasonable at all.

hairyfairylights · 17/12/2010 10:52

No, I don't think it's harsh, The Unmentioned

If a rellie gives money 'to the children' and the parent 'takes' it, then it's theft! and not being used in the spirit it is given.

I'm quite suprprised I seem to be (almost) the only person who thinks so.

Xmas Smile
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 17/12/2010 10:54

I think this is reasonable. You're buying presents for the kids; Christmas goodies and a small gift each, right? I think a lump sum sent to you is really meaning that you should decide what to get them. And it IS for them, not for you, that your purchases are intended.

abenstille · 17/12/2010 10:55

use it, and have a lovely xmas

JeezyPeeps · 17/12/2010 10:56

IMO the money is to be spent on the children.

But surely making Christmas Day special is for the children?

If they had given you £30 for you and OH, and you had no children but were feeling the pinch, would you still spend it on Xmas treats, or would you spend it on watertight shoes/electricity/other practical stuff? I have a feeling it would be the latter.

I don't think you should feel guilty about spending Christmas money for the children on making Christmas special for the children.

notpartofthelifeplan · 17/12/2010 10:57

Legally speaking hairy it isn't theft. I'm not proud that I have taken our childrens money and as I have said I will pay them back.

Recently ds2 was sent a belated £20 for his birth. I thought that we had budgeted for every penny this month but unfortunately Tesco deducted £15 from my account for shopping that I bought in July that they had forgotten to take off my card at the time. It meant that we ran out of money 2 days before payday. Two days is good going for us, its normally earlier. I had cupboards full of food so we weren't going to starve but dh had no money to get to work. What does he do just not turn up because he can't afford petrol or use the £20 sent to ds2?

Of course we used the money and all of the money that we have used in the past has benefited the ds's, it has been used to pay for swimming lessons, fix the boiler etc we haven't spent it on ourselves. Hmm

It does make me feel uncomfortable knowing that their savings accoountsare empty when they shouldn't be but as I said I have a plan to pay them back.

Once things are financially easier for us and we are in a position to clear our debts and start saving I will start saving towards their tuition fees and first car etc. As always it is about them so I'm not going to beat myself up spending money that they don't actually need at the moment.

irregularegular · 17/12/2010 10:57

How old are your children?

My children are 7 and 8 and at this age if a relative sent them £30 for Christmas, I would buy them a present with it, wrap it up and say it was from X. That's definitely not stealing! In your case, if you are missing Christmas chocolates, crackers etc then I don't see why that shouldn't be the present.

If they are a bit older, you could consider discussing with them what they would like to buy - and explain that there won't be any mince pies otherwise. My children would love to buy mince pies!

I guess if a gift-giver actually said that she wanted the children to have the cash themselves then I wouldn't spend it for them, but that hasn't come up.

You should also tell the relative what it was spent on. I'm sure they would think you made a good choice! I certainly would think so if I'd sent you the money.

ChessyEvans · 17/12/2010 10:57

Hi, think I'm more with Hairy on this one - the money is sent as presumably easier to send than posting a present (make that 6 presents!) and also avoids getting things that the children wouldn't want.

Agree with Hairy's earlier post though - could you discuss with the children and agree whether they would like to pool their money and all get something to share (with you as well)? If you're talking about taking the money and spending it on chocolates, how is that any better than the children each spending their £5 on sweets?

JeezyPeeps · 17/12/2010 10:58

hairyfairylights - the rellie didn't give the money TO the children, she gave it to the op FOR the children.

She is using it FOR the children. Thats not theft, it is using it for the purpose specified, and I am sure that your great aunt would be delighted if she knew how much of a difference she made to Xmas Day, instead of it being frittered on junk.

GetOrfMoiLand · 17/12/2010 10:58

i wouldn't waste it on mince pies and stuff. Buy yourself a pair of bloody shoes without holes in.

theevildead2 · 17/12/2010 10:59

Hairy if the aunt had sent the money addressed to the children I would agree with you. Instead she sent 30 pound to the OP "for the chldren" so as long as the OP spends it on the kids and then explains I wouldn't consider it theft... also 30 pound divided by 6 kids won't go far.

I send money to children for xmas and birthdays but i send it in a card addressed to the child.

Original poster
DorasDilema · 17/12/2010 10:59

It was my birthday in october and I got quite a few gift vouchers for next. I spent every penny getting the DC clothes for the winter. MIL always give us vouchers for Xmas too and we have never spent it on us, it always goes on the DC.

OP posts:
theevildead2 · 17/12/2010 11:00

xposted to write exactly what JeezyPeeps wrote Blush

classydiva · 17/12/2010 11:00

It is wrong it isn;t your money to keep. It belongs to your child, open a savings account with it and put it in there.

Original poster
DorasDilema · 17/12/2010 11:02

Our DC are 11, 11, 9, 7, 6 and 15 months

OP posts:
hifi · 17/12/2010 11:02

just do it,if it will make a btter xmas for you all then its worth it.

JeezyPeeps · 17/12/2010 11:02

theevildead2 Fri 17-Dec-10 11:00:27

xposted to write exactly what JeezyPeeps wrote blush

Hey, I like it when someone else thinks the same way as me - means I'm not on some daft tangent :)

Jins · 17/12/2010 11:05

I wouldn't take it. If I sent £5 to a child I'd want them to decide what it was spent on.

I agree with Hairy - discuss it with them.

molemesses · 17/12/2010 11:05

If you need it, use it. The kids are benefiting from it anyway, and you'd get better things than sweets with the money.

molemesses · 17/12/2010 11:06

You can always replace it at a later date when things are better for you.

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