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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you tell me IABU I won't do it, do I take DC's money?

259 replies

DorasDilema · 17/12/2010 10:30

We are really struggling at the moment due to the time of year and DH?s hours been cut back at work.

We have scrimped together every penny to buy the DC a few small Christmas presents.

A distant relative sent me £30 in a card for the DC. Usually when this happens I give it out to the DC and they fritter it away on sweets etc. But as we are struggling so much this year I was thinking of keeping the money because it would help us hugely and mean we can buy a few treats for everyone for Xmas and the children already have presents from us and will gets loads from friends and family over the Christmas period

Trouble is I feel like it?s really wrong! Am I stealing from my children? I am so torn!

Ahh what do I do??

OP posts:
femalevictormeldrew · 17/12/2010 13:57

You are NOT stealing from them. You are using whatever means you have available to you to give your children a comfortable Christams. In time to come when you tell them about this they won't question it - it is the right thing to do now. Have a very happy Christmas xxx

OnthefirsdayofMrsDeVere · 17/12/2010 14:01

Theft? O FFS I have heard it all now!

What a load of old bollocks.

Dora its fine, really. Use the money as you see fit.

Theft? I am still laughing.

So should she go and buy a Wii game for the kids whilst she has no shoes on her feet?

That'll teach em the true meaning of Christams Xmas Hmm

missmoopy · 17/12/2010 14:01

Hairy, you're out of line, really. You have obviously never been desperate for money. People live liek this in the real world.

OP, YANBU AT ALL.

RockinRobinBird · 17/12/2010 14:04

There are some real smug judgy fuckers on this thread. Luckily the normal sensible people outnumber them.

diddl · 17/12/2010 14:06

I guess it depends what you call "Christmas treats"

We´ve never bought a family tin ofsweets or biscuits for example.

The children have their own sweets/chocolate in their stocking & we get some Christmas biscuits in.

We don´t have mince pies or Christmas cake & only have a Pud every other year when rellies bring one over!

ImeldaM · 17/12/2010 14:07

OP, YANBU, You can have some of my rarely worn boots too if you want, I'm a 7 and a bit of a hoarder (note nickname Blush)

FanjoForTheMincePies · 17/12/2010 14:24

Hairy was a bit harsh.

I however just said I personally wouldn't do it, hope I m not also being called a 'smug judgy fucker' just because I wouldn't personally spend the cash. Hmm

Tolalola · 17/12/2010 14:27

I would be honest and talk to them about the situation. Tell them what you are currently having for Christmas lunch, tell them about the money, and say you think it would be nice if they used the money to buy some nice things for Christmas Day for all of you.

Then they can make a list of the extras that they would like to have and can shop for them. You can go online to look up prices and help them budget.

I would have found that quite exciting as a child, being able to decide on lovely treats for everyone and being able to buy a few bigger things instead of a couple of silly treats just for myself.

The children will get the whole 'present' experience, and can write honestly to their relative saying what they bought and how lovely it made Christmas.

pink4ever · 17/12/2010 14:27

fanjo-my comment was directed to happymummyofone because her final paragraph was vile IMO.

FanjoForTheMincePies · 17/12/2010 14:28

Fair enough, just wanted to be clear I wasn't judging the OP

Pannacotta · 17/12/2010 14:31

YANBU.
I agree with someone else who said dont waste it on sweets/mince pies, get yourself a pair of warm shoes.
In fact I have a pair of size 6 boots I dont wear, which you are welcome to if they will fit!

teafortwo · 17/12/2010 14:36

I was thinking - I often use dd's Christmas or birthday money to buy really basic stuff she needs anyway and wrap it up or make a big shopping trip and fuss about buying it. It never occured to me that this is anything other than RIGHT!

E.G she needs a new toothbrush, more non-fiction books for her bookshelf and new wellies - so guess what will be under the tree waiting for her on Christmas morn - all bought with sent money!!!

IMHO It is sensible parenting and OH MY it turns a toothbrush into a treasured thing of joy - a level of true childhood innocence that IMVHO cannot be reached with, for example, a Buzzlightyear!

My Mum used to do the same every christmas we had underwear, jumpers, books etc bought with money sent from our relatives. My cheeky sister occasionally gives my Mum a toothbrush for Christmas as a little nod and wink to our childhood Christmases that were never complete without new pants, school socks and a toothbrush. Xmas Grin

threefeethighandrising · 17/12/2010 14:39

HappyMummyOfOne did you think about that before you posted it?!

Please, spend a couple of minutes thinking about this. What do you imagine is the more likely scenario:

  1. The OP is completely aware that she has 6 children, and that money is tight. However with the needs of 6 children to meet, life has got in the way and she has had to prioritise other things over Christmas. It's not about lack of planning, it's what life it like when you are genuinely skint.
  1. The OP hasn't yet noticed that you need money for Christmas, but now you've pointed it out, she can plan for next year.

You obviously have no idea what being really, really skint is like. Please feel grateful for that and resist the temptation to hand out "advice" on something you obviously know nothing about. Your post was actually quite offensive IMO.

Tolalola · 17/12/2010 14:41

BTW, OP, I, too have a nice, snuggly pair of boots that are barely worn. I insanely hung onto them when I moved to the Caribbean Hmm. You're more than welcome. Size 38.

PosieParkhersleigh · 17/12/2010 14:42

Keep it, pay it back if you like but needs must. Your children's needs must be met, ie food, long before their desires (sweets) so in actual fact it's the only thing to do and would be doing them a disservice if you didn't.

teafortwo · 17/12/2010 14:43

PS - Lots of my relatives send money because we don't live close. so, also, I often buy something because it would be nice (or is needed) for Christmas and then once the money comes in decide who it is from and put the money sent firmly in my purse.

In your place I would spend the money on shoes for you and choose something in your present stash to be from the £30 sender without even thinking about it!

I do this EVERY year without stopping to think or question.

healthyElfy · 17/12/2010 14:43

YANBU

Make a note of it and in a couple of years when you are better off give it to them, in the form of book tokens perhaps!

PosieParkhersleigh · 17/12/2010 14:44

HappyMummyOfOne

That's it in a nutshell, you have one child.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 17/12/2010 14:45

I say YADNBU. I often take money that relatives send to the children and buy clothes etc. that I would normally pay for myself. We aren't nearly as hard up as the OP, but I feel like our children get sooo much in the way of presents at Christmas, that giving them money to go out and buy more is daft.

MIL sent us money for them this year. They are 6,5 and 3. I used some of it to pay for their visit to Santa, some will go in their savings, and they will get a small proportion of it to choose some plastic tat.

Tbh, I get a bit Hmm at people who would send money, then stipulate how it is to be spent. If you want the money to buy sweets/ tat for the kids, then SEND sweets/tat!!! If you send money rather than make the effort to find out what the child would like, buy it, wrap it, send it, then I think once the money has left your hands it's up to the mum how it's spent, especially if the children are younger

hairyfairylights · 17/12/2010 14:47

notpartofthelifeplan - 'borrowing' is different from 'taking'.

I think my issue is with the use of the word 'taking'.

and for those that think my response is unreasonable - if I give a child a gift, it belongs to the child, so I would see it as theft (and not very nice) if the parnt 'takes' it.

I'm not judging - the OP has posted in AIBU and I have said that IMO yes, she is, and explained why.

hairyfairylights · 17/12/2010 14:51

GoingtoBonnie What? Cruel? Confused

I have answered an AIBU question asked by the OP,in a measured way.

Money sent to the mother, as a gift for the children should not go into the 'family pot' in my opinion!

If the relative had sent it 'to the family, to help towards Christmas' then that would be entirely different

walkinginaWUKTERwonderland · 17/12/2010 14:51

I don't think you realise how much £30 can be, hairy.

teafortwo · 17/12/2010 14:52

HappyMummyOfOne - I think I 'know' you under a few other names and am sorry that you still seem to be suffering from the same ishooooos as all the other times our paths have crossed... Sad

walkinginaWUKTERwonderland · 17/12/2010 14:54

But the children are part of the family Hairy.
Necessities for the family first, luxuries second.

ballstoit · 17/12/2010 14:55

YANBU.
If I sent money for a relative's children, and knew they were skint, I would be chuffed if it was spent on nice things for the family to share.

What did your Aunt actually write in the card? My Grandad always makes a point of saying 'this is for YOU to spend, on what yoou see fit for YOUR family'. Which means that one year it was spent on paying the gas bill. It's pretty hard to enjoy your toys when you're freezing isnt it?

MumofOne - is it only those with larger families that know Christmas is coming? Must be a surprise for all you parents of one child.