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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you tell me IABU I won't do it, do I take DC's money?

259 replies

DorasDilema · 17/12/2010 10:30

We are really struggling at the moment due to the time of year and DH?s hours been cut back at work.

We have scrimped together every penny to buy the DC a few small Christmas presents.

A distant relative sent me £30 in a card for the DC. Usually when this happens I give it out to the DC and they fritter it away on sweets etc. But as we are struggling so much this year I was thinking of keeping the money because it would help us hugely and mean we can buy a few treats for everyone for Xmas and the children already have presents from us and will gets loads from friends and family over the Christmas period

Trouble is I feel like it?s really wrong! Am I stealing from my children? I am so torn!

Ahh what do I do??

OP posts:
Cosmosis · 17/12/2010 14:55

Yanbu at all! she sent the money for the kids, you're spending it on the kids, simple really.

I hope you have a lovely christmas with it :)

hairyfairylights · 17/12/2010 14:59

I think I do, actually WalkinginaWUKTERwonderland

I know rather a lot about poverty from personal experience and from the work I currently do, neither of which am I inclined to detail here.

This family can afford a Christmas dinner with chicken and veg, as well as having some presents for all six of the DC.

I'm sorry but the OP has gone without shoes for the sake of the DC, that is what parents do when they are hard up.

Gosh people.

The OP asked a question. People have offered a variety of answers.

Mymmyofone has now been insulted, and people think I don't understand poverty (why would anyone jump to that conclusion when thy have no idea about me/my life).

crazygracieuk · 17/12/2010 15:02

I would spend it with the kids. eg tell child 1 that relative has given them 5 quid to spend on Christmas and did they want to get a tin of quality street or roses. For each child substitute "tin of QS" for other treats like biscuits/ mince pies etc and the children will feel fan that they chose certain aspects of Christmas. The card was addressed to you because the sender trusts your judgement as to how the money would be best spent. As long as the treats would be considered treats by the kids then I think it's fine to spend it like that. Families are like a team and need to help each other in times of need and it'll be good for the children's self esteem to be able to help the family like this.

belizabus · 17/12/2010 15:03

Spend it OP, you sound like a lovely, caring and devoted mum with her head firmly screwed on. YADNBU and I think you know it. Have yourself a fantastic Christmas and I hope that things improve for you in the New Year Xmas Smile

mazzystartled · 17/12/2010 15:04

Use the money, please. I would, and have, done the same. Your children will remember a happy Christmas longer than having a few sweets. Hey, you can even buy some sweets out of it. And spend £29 on more practical stuff. And I am sure that your relative would prefer that too. Merry Christmas OP, have a good one!

welshbyrd · 17/12/2010 15:04

Narkypuffin, thank you so much for the shoe link - fab prices, never heard about this website before, shall defiantly use it in future

I have to say I agree with the majority, If I had sent money to niece/nephews. If I knew they were struggling for lunch, new shoes etc,but handed money to kids, and it had been spend on kinder eggs, and other useless things[face it, what can you get for a fiver these days?],I would be upset, I would feel much happier knowing money sent had helped the whole family over christmas, and feel thrilled, that my contribution had benefited everyone

Dora - get some new shoes, maybe a little treat for family[tubs of quality streets are only £5, in tescos"s]

welshbyrd · 17/12/2010 15:05

And have a lovely christmas Xmas Smile

femalevictormeldrew · 17/12/2010 15:05

I not asking this to cause a stir or to get battered but - to the people who say they wouldn't touch the money - have you ever been down to your last quid / struggled for money (and I mean REALLY struggled)?

I'm just being curious?

walkinginaWUKTERwonderland · 17/12/2010 15:05

I 'jumped to that conclusion' because you think it's reasonable for children to buy yet more sweets and tat while their mother walks around in the snow with holey shoes. I've only heard that kind of view from people who don't see £30 as significant, actually.

NO-ONE in a family should go without NECESSITIES while another member gets extra treats.

DandyLioness · 17/12/2010 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goingroundthebend4 · 17/12/2010 15:07

Spend on your family buy what's neededrather than them having £5 worth of sweets each
I to have had to do this when times are hard and am really broke but it evens out in the end

DandyLioness · 17/12/2010 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tyzer2001 · 17/12/2010 15:08

Simple rsponse. YANBU.

However, if it really troubles you, and I think it does - give the £30 to the DC's.

I would be pleased to send you another £30 myself towards your family Christmas.

BuzzLightBeer · 17/12/2010 15:09

i agree wukter, op should buy shoes with the cash, bloody stupid to give it to kids for sweets.

hairyfairylights · 17/12/2010 15:10

Actually, I have not said anywher (please point out where if you are asserting that) that I think it's reasonable for the money to be spent on sweets. I ws not about to say in this thread 'OP - don't just hand the money out to them knowing they will 'just' spend it on sweets' because I am not about verbally beating people up about their parenting.

The OP is actually not asking whether she should spend the money on family necessities.

She has said they can have a good Xmas dinner and that her children will have presents at Christmas without this extra £30.00.

She's asking whether to 'we can buy a few treats for everyone for Xmas'.

She has also stated that she feels it's wrong.

walkinginaWUKTERwonderland · 17/12/2010 15:10

I think treats for the family at Christmas are more necessary than individual treats for the children, Dandy. Families should share and care and all that. But I see what you mean.

Personally if I was the OP I'd be wearing good sturdy shoes this winter and then I'd be buying tins of Roses for all with what's left.

You don't have to be an absolute martyr to be a good mother.

walkinginaWUKTERwonderland · 17/12/2010 15:12

Ok Hairy we won't agree on this!
I hope poor Dora hasn't become even more confused.

bessie26 · 17/12/2010 15:12

YANBU - the relative sent you the money to spend on the DC, so spend it however you think best!

hope you all have a great christmas! Xmas Smile

HappyMummyOfOne · 17/12/2010 15:14

Teafortwo, I doubt you know me under "other" names as I have never changed my username in all the years I've been on MN. Never seen the need too.

The OP asked if she was BU, I think she is. Taking money sent to the children as a gift to use on food shopping is wrong IMO. Borrowing it until payday/CB/CTC yes I would say that was reasonable or gifting one of the already bought gifts to each from the aunt ok too. Obviously she had doubts too or she would have just done it and not joined MN to ask the question.

Having six children will always mean expense, not sure what was wrong with my last paragraph - surely budgeting so that the same situation does not occur again is the sensible thing to do?

hairyfairylights · 17/12/2010 15:15

"I not asking this to cause a stir or to get battered but - to the people who say they wouldn't touch the money - have you ever been down to your last quid / struggled for money (and I mean REALLY struggled)?"

Yup. Moved out at twenty one in rather a rush, my job paid way below minimum wage, and I owed the bank £1,000 which they were demanding back (this was the days before min wage). With the cost of bus/train to work, I could not afford to put the one gas fire in the flat on (could not afford a flat with central heating ) my rent was £20 per week ) so I spent a whole winter sleeping in a sleeping bag, with a track suit on.

and I've been down to my last £1 many times. I count my blessings every day that I was fortunate enough to develop my career from that to where it is now.

BuzzLightBeer · 17/12/2010 15:15

there are no medals for mother martyrdom. what kind of lesson for a child is that?

rubyrubyruby · 17/12/2010 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bechka · 17/12/2010 15:16

If I had sent £30 and unbeknownst to me the family was having financial issues, then I would 100% want it spent at mum's discretion. Not just for kids to fritter when there is not enough food on the table.

GetOrfMoiLand · 17/12/2010 15:16

I think OP if you sat down with your 6 kids when they are adults and said 'aunt nancy once sent £30 for you lot for Christmas, but we were skint so I bought myself a pair of shoes as my others had holes in' I am pretty sure your kids would completely agree that was the correct thing to do.

If you aunt knew she was in straghtened times i am sure she would agree, if she was a decent person.

I am quite astonished that anyone would think differently.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas, OP. Now buy yourself a pair of wellies!

valleyqueen · 17/12/2010 15:17

If it was my mum I would rather her have warm dry footwear than the money. I can say with 100% certainty dd would say the same about me.

A happy healthy mum has warm dry feet and is not a martyr (sp)