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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you tell me IABU I won't do it, do I take DC's money?

259 replies

DorasDilema · 17/12/2010 10:30

We are really struggling at the moment due to the time of year and DH?s hours been cut back at work.

We have scrimped together every penny to buy the DC a few small Christmas presents.

A distant relative sent me £30 in a card for the DC. Usually when this happens I give it out to the DC and they fritter it away on sweets etc. But as we are struggling so much this year I was thinking of keeping the money because it would help us hugely and mean we can buy a few treats for everyone for Xmas and the children already have presents from us and will gets loads from friends and family over the Christmas period

Trouble is I feel like it?s really wrong! Am I stealing from my children? I am so torn!

Ahh what do I do??

OP posts:
goodmanners · 17/12/2010 13:00

can you relabel a gift you have bought them and say from the relly then use the cash to buy whatever you like .

sue52 · 17/12/2010 13:01

Spend it on what you need. If I was the distant relative it would not worry me at all and I'm sure most people would feel the same. You sound like a very caring, loving mother. I hope life gets easier for you.

PurpleMiffy · 17/12/2010 13:02

YADNBU and clearly you have a lot of love for your children. I have had to do the same with my children few times. Last year I used DD's giftcard to buy nappies and food. Don't beat yourself up about it. Buy some lovely things and enjoy them with your children. x

MilliONaire · 17/12/2010 13:04

good grief, some of the replies on this thread are UNBELIEVABLE! Hairy - you would seriously expect this woman to flitter £30 on total rubbish when they don't have enough to put food on the table or dry shoes on her feet. That is utterly outrageous and ridiculous IMO. I think it would be criminal to spend that money on more toys/sweets for the children if you already have santa/pressies covered. Spend it on the food for christmas, as some of the others have said, make sure you get a tin of sweets or selection boxes ets and tell the children that aunty x sent them. I am sure your relative would be disgusted to think you were in absolute need of that money and it was wasted on more junk for the kids. Well she would if she was halfway normal and decent!

Hope you have a lovely christmas!

HappyMummyOfOne · 17/12/2010 13:14

I'm on the fence, the money was sent for the children for xmas not food shopping. I'd like to think if I sent a child a voucher or money to choose what they wanted then not sure i'd be happy it was spent by the parents on something else.

If you are planning on putting it back in their accounts/piggy banks after then its different.

However having 6 children, one only a baby, must mean you would have known xmas may have been tight money wise so perhaps its time to review things and set aside money for next xmas so that the children dont miss out on relatives gifts.

mickeyjohn · 17/12/2010 13:15

We have always done this in times of need!!! I try to pay it back into their accounts at a later date when I have some spare cash, but not always. My DCs are only 2 and 4 though, so easily done. But to be honest, if it's (more - they gave tonnes of stuff!)presents for them or a tank of diesel so I can actually afford to get to work, then Esso get it everytime!

pink4ever · 17/12/2010 13:21

happymummyofone-how smug do you sound? Your post sounded v judgemental of fact op has 6 dcs(imo none of your fecking business) and some people are so hard up they cant afford to put even a little bit by(she cant afford shoes for feck sake). This is the real world.Clearly you dont live there. Have a nice xmasXmas Biscuit

Secretwishescometrue · 17/12/2010 13:28

I hope ye have a lovely Xmas and things get easier for ye soon. I absolutely agree with everyone who says you shouldn't even think twice, your doing this for you dc's, you sound like a lovely mummy and you just want to give your lo's a lovely Xmas and I'm sure you will :)

MilliONaire · 17/12/2010 13:32

well said pink4ever - good god smuggymummyofONE - did you even re-read what you wrote????? The mind boggles at the attitudes on here! Clearly the OP DID put by a little earlier in the year - from which she bought the christmas pressies for the children - at the expense of shoes etc for herself. You are patronising beyond belief and I hope your bubble never bursts.

DandyLioness · 17/12/2010 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FanjoForTheMincePies · 17/12/2010 13:43

I wouldn't either, sorry.

scurryfunge · 17/12/2010 13:44

HolierthanthouMummyofOne,

Your last paragraph was quite nasty and unnecessary.

DreamTeamGirl · 17/12/2010 13:44

So Dandylioness what WOULD you let them spend it on? Stuff for Christmas dinner? For £5 they arent going to get much that isnt assorted crap.

Would you go and buy a family game for them all to play together? Or would that be imposing on them too?

FanjoForTheMincePies · 17/12/2010 13:44

Just because it's a bit cheeky to the relative who sent it.

scurryfunge · 17/12/2010 13:45

If the relative had even half a compassionate brain, they wouldn't mind at all.

DandyLioness · 17/12/2010 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeakMyWiki · 17/12/2010 13:49

I completely would, and am pretty sure I have done. If I sent money for presents and a family was struggling I would much rather it went into the family pot. Of course.

GoingToBonnieDoon · 17/12/2010 13:51

Hairy I think your comments are so cruel. As if the OP won't feel bad enough that she is even having to think about using the DC's money without your comments.

Christmas isn't about what money/presents you get, its about remembering the important things, valuing family, enjoying time together. If the OP thinks that Christmas will be more special for the whole family by spending the money for the whole family to benefit from then that is the best present those kids could possibly have.

When I was a kid I had some money in a savings account, but my parents had to use it towards a boiler. I never thought much about it, but now that I'm a mum I realise how it must have killed them to spend my money but respect them so much for making the right decision. I benefited from being warm far more than I would have done from some tat I would have bought and probably discarded within a few weeks/months.
I also had Christmases as a kid where we had no presents at all but still had some of my best Christmases ever, its really not about what you buy but what you do. Sadly, I don't think enough people remember that.

To the OP - do whatever you think is best, you know what will be best for the family.

walkinginaWUKTERwonderland · 17/12/2010 13:53

I bet that's what the great aunt met.
She would expect a mother to use her judgement about what's neccessary for the family.
She probably would feel uncomfortable writing in a card 'I bet you're skint at this time of year, here's a contribution towards the electricity bill', more likely she'd say 'Please get the children a little something from me'.
Unless of course the aunt is completely barking and expects a child's desire for sweets to come before the good of the whole family.

valleyqueen · 17/12/2010 13:53

Yanbu, spend 20 on Xmas food treats and get yourself some wellies with the rest. If your a size 4 and live in London my wardrobe is bulging with boots Ive not had on my feet your welcome to a couple of pairs:

missmoopy · 17/12/2010 13:54

The year my dd was 1 she was given £60 by a relative. My dad knew we were struggling and rightly pointed out that using the money to benefit us all - we bought groceries - was not selfish or theft. Your children are part of your family. Children need happy parents more than they need more toys.

Use it.

OnthefirsdayofMrsDeVere · 17/12/2010 13:54

If I gave my friend or relative money for the kids and she spent it on more practical stuff because they were really stuggling I would be absolutly fine.

It would be nice if the kids got some sweets but if they were really strapped I would care if it went on the heating bill!

I did have a 'friend' who would just nick the money and spend it on herself though. She would say 'I am going to take this fiver out and put a crisp new one in' and think I was stupid. So I took to writing in the cards 'I hope you use this fiver to buy something you really like'.

That fixed her!

But op your circumstances are very different and I am sure anyone who cares enough about your family to send a gift, cares enought to understand why you need to spend it.

GoingToBonnieDoon · 17/12/2010 13:55

Wukter I've done that with friends before now, knowing they wouldn't accept help I've put a couple of £20s in the family card (rather than the individual presents for the kids) with a little note to say buy something for the family or some such in the dear hope that she pays her gas bill with it because I know how she is struggling.

MrsMooo · 17/12/2010 13:56

you are about as far from BU as it can get!
Spend the money - the food etc is for the children so the money has been spent on them Xmas Smile

ConstanceWearing · 17/12/2010 13:57

I've had to do this on many occasions...I give it back after December's pay day and pretend it was a New Year's gift from whoever. Has to be done sometimes.