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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you tell me IABU I won't do it, do I take DC's money?

259 replies

DorasDilema · 17/12/2010 10:30

We are really struggling at the moment due to the time of year and DH?s hours been cut back at work.

We have scrimped together every penny to buy the DC a few small Christmas presents.

A distant relative sent me £30 in a card for the DC. Usually when this happens I give it out to the DC and they fritter it away on sweets etc. But as we are struggling so much this year I was thinking of keeping the money because it would help us hugely and mean we can buy a few treats for everyone for Xmas and the children already have presents from us and will gets loads from friends and family over the Christmas period

Trouble is I feel like it?s really wrong! Am I stealing from my children? I am so torn!

Ahh what do I do??

OP posts:
Original poster
DorasDilema · 17/12/2010 11:30

Dingalong, that is a fab idea!!!

OP posts:
oranges · 17/12/2010 11:30

oh fgs mumsnet is insane about christmas sometimes. is a mother really meant to traipse to the shops with holes in her shoes to buy her kids more presents. That's a ridiculous level of martyrdom, and if I sent money to children, I'd be happy for their parents to use it as they saw fit if there's a real need.

We were short of money when I was growing up and a relative sent me a hundred pounds. My mum kept it as they were desperate. I'd have been mortified to know I'd got an expensive present while they were up at night worrying about paying bills. They've repaid that money thousands of times over since in different ways.

jacksgrannie · 17/12/2010 11:32

Use the money to buy some special treats the children would all enjoy. You could always use some of it for a nice box of sweets they could all share. Really - £5 each would just get them some tat or a couple of bags of sweets anyway.

Tell the older children that lovely auntie gertie has sent you all some money to have nice things this Christmas, and they can write a letter to her afterwards.

Sorry you are finding life so tough - have a happy Christmas.

grumpypants · 17/12/2010 11:35

For the children. Buy a box of cheap crackers, some mini Yule logs, a bottle of lemonade and 6 bags of gold coins. You can all enjoy the extra bits to jazz up your christmas, and the money will have treated the children.

christmasrocks · 17/12/2010 11:35

Also, think you relative would be really pleased to know that her money helped you, would probably mean more to her than if the DCs just spent it on sweets etc...

GrimmaTheNome · 17/12/2010 11:36

How about giving your older kids the money but read them the first chapter of Little Women? Grin

flippinggorgeous · 17/12/2010 11:37

Spend it on Christmas. That is what Christmas money is for. If that means a nice dinner or family treat, so be it.

iamnotreallysure · 17/12/2010 11:49

YANBU

It seems to me that if you are so worried about doing this - you clearly already give the DC's the most important thing, and that can't be bought - your love.

I hope 2011 is better financially for all who are struggling at the moment.

Merry XmasXmas Smile

lifeinagoldfishbowl · 17/12/2010 11:49

why not buy value ingredients and make your own mince pies, gingerbread biscuits, cakes etc - the kids would definitely think that was a proper prseent =- spending time together and making yummy treats

vess · 17/12/2010 11:55

You can always say that some of the presents you got earlier come from that money, and then use the money for whatever you need. It does mean fewer presents 'from you', but the kids still get the same stuff and you don't have to feel guilty.

StrikeUpTheBand · 17/12/2010 11:59

Absolutely spend it on what is needed. I agree - it isn't stealing - you are their PARENTS and you were given the money to spend on something for them. Hairy (etc) it's all very well having principles and all but not when they make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

FWIW DP's parents are being very generous and giving us £100 for each of the children and for me and £200 for DP. They are sensible however and knowing we are struggling have suggested we buy them one present each with the money and then "buy them something else in the summer as they both have birthdays close to Christmas and will get so much in the next few weeks", but we have bills and rent etc to pay for coming out of our ears. How would it help to buy them yet more toys when we are worrying about how to pay for council tax and rent?! SO I have spent £40 on each of them and the remaining £120 will have to go on our electricity bill I am afraid!

We will then buy them some things for the garden in the summer as suggested (paddling pool, slide etc).

Secretwishescometrue · 17/12/2010 12:00

I hope ye have a lovely Xmas and things get easier for ye soon. I absolutely agree with everyone who says you shouldn't even think twice, your doing this for you dc's, you sound like a lovely mummy and you just want to give your lo's a lovely Xmas and I'm sure you will :)

StrikeUpTheBand · 17/12/2010 12:01

PS. As part of the family (even though children) we should be teaching them that we all pitch in together when times are hard should we not, rather than teaching them that they are 'entitled' to get their sweets despite times being hard in the family?

Igglystuffedfullofturkey · 17/12/2010 12:08

Dora take the money, spend some of it making Xmas more special - I like the idea of making mince pies etc. Christmas isn't about the trimmings though so I wouldn't worry too much about that.

£30 for all of your kids isn't much so I'm not sure what the relative expects you to buy anyway? Something to make the day better seems more sensible.

InPraiseOfBacchus · 17/12/2010 12:08

YANBU, Definitely use it for the whole family! If you feel guilty, remind yourself that you can explain what happened to your kids in a few years time, and they'll love you all the more for it!

Just be sure that the people who gave the money aren't going to quiz your kids about it later, though. You mention they're 'distant' relatives, so I imagine it'd be ok.

All the best!

Laquitar · 17/12/2010 12:09

hairy this is not theft fgs. Everything is theft on mn!
My parents have done it and i'm not bitter at all, i admire them for holding everything together.

That was in 70s in a poor and stricken by earthquake country.

The 'theft' is what you find shocking?
What i find shocking is that a mother has to do the same in 2010 in a 'rich' country.

OP do it. I hope you and your family have good christmas.

hogfather · 17/12/2010 12:09

Dora I have PM you.

overmydeadbody · 17/12/2010 12:15

I think YANBU, but I also think (apart from the 15 month old) your children are all old enough to be involved in this. Tell them you have £30 from Great Aunt Whatshername and that you have a great idea. You tihnk the children should spend it on things to make christmas day more special, then mention things like mince pies (or ingredients ot make your own) and the other essentials you need.

For peace of mind, write a shopping list out together, using tesco online to help work out costs and budget, and as a family decide what to spend the £30 on.

Then let them loose in the supermarket with the money and the list.

They will love it and get a great deal out of it.

Kitta · 17/12/2010 12:17

YA soooooooooooooooo NBU.

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 17/12/2010 12:18

I think you are being both a bit U and N.
It is a nice thing to want to make your DC's Christmas more special and if you can't afford to do it otherwise, then fab. Did the relative specify how the money was to be spent? If not, then go for it.

OTOH - if I send money to my Dnieces, I send a cheque to be put into their savings account. That way I know it won't get spent on useless crap or sweets, both of which they already have in abundance, but might be of some use to them in the future when they actually need it. (I don't send them money every year, I hasten to add).

walkinginaWUKTERwonderland · 17/12/2010 12:22

Of course take the money, DorasDilemma, buy a selection box and a new pair of shoes for yourself with it.

Honestly, I can't believe people are advocating that Dora's children buy £30 worth of pick n mix when she is awake at night worrying. It's a family - Everyone's NEEDS should be met before LUXURIES start being allocated.

narkypuffin · 17/12/2010 12:34

Seriously take the money. It's not theft- the money is to benefit the children and it will. If Grin they would buy sweets spend £5 buying in bulk and split the stuff for them.

I would definitely use some to buy yourself a new pair of shoes. There are great offers at the moment and you need dry feet- it's bloody snowy and freezing. Lots of place have sales on eg

You can always spend a couple of pounds extra for each child's birthday next year.

If you can, try ducking into a supermarket a couple of hours before closing on Christmas Eve. They'll be marking down the perishables.

JustKeepSparkling · 17/12/2010 12:40

Another vote for Dingalong's idea, & the Tesco online idea from OMDB.

pink4ever · 17/12/2010 12:50

Sometimes I despair of mn.Some right judgey assholes on here! Women cant even afford a decent pair of shoes and your are telling her she is a thief for spending this money for the good of the whole family?.
hairy and the rest-you should be fecking ashamed of yourselves.
Dora-no YADNBU!! please try and have a lovely xmas with your family.

Quenelle · 17/12/2010 12:59

Agree entirely with JeezyPeeps. Great Aunt will be chuffed to know she made such a contribution to the family's Christmas Day. She might even have meant for the OP to spend it like this.