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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you tell me IABU I won't do it, do I take DC's money?

259 replies

DorasDilema · 17/12/2010 10:30

We are really struggling at the moment due to the time of year and DH?s hours been cut back at work.

We have scrimped together every penny to buy the DC a few small Christmas presents.

A distant relative sent me £30 in a card for the DC. Usually when this happens I give it out to the DC and they fritter it away on sweets etc. But as we are struggling so much this year I was thinking of keeping the money because it would help us hugely and mean we can buy a few treats for everyone for Xmas and the children already have presents from us and will gets loads from friends and family over the Christmas period

Trouble is I feel like it?s really wrong! Am I stealing from my children? I am so torn!

Ahh what do I do??

OP posts:
maighdlin · 17/12/2010 11:07

YADNBU my sisters birthday is 13th july and at the 12th july parades everyone knew it was her birthday the next day and give her a pound 50p etc. my parents used it for their drink that night so using it for xmas for the kids in NBU stealing birthday money to go drinking is.

BottleOfRum · 17/12/2010 11:09

Definitley use it on whatever you see fit. The relative sent YOU the money to spend/buy gifts for your children - and you are. You are buying them treats so the whole family has a nice Christmas, which is a far nicer and more selfless thing than teaching kids its ok to fritter money away on sweets.

I'm another one who got given a large amount of money as a child for compensation in an accident - my parents told me a few years later they had spent it all on a car because ours broke down and they were broke. I have never held it against them - it is up to them to make decisions that are right for me, and they did.

ChessyEvans · 17/12/2010 11:10

I think with children that age (barring the 15 months!) you could sit them all down and explain? Is a nice lesson in sharing etc. Could you then make it a family outing to the supermarket to stock up on Xmas treats (if that's what the consensus is that the money should be spent on)? Could be a good lesson in budgeting then as well, let's see how many nice things for Christmas we can get with the £30.

Only problem is if 1 doesn't want to do that - how do you stop them eating the treats bought by the others?!

In terms of spending your own vouchers on the children, isn't that just what you have to do once you have kids as they grow so quickly? Whereas our old tattered clothes can still technically be worn!

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 17/12/2010 11:14

I'm with those who say use it.

If I sent money as a gift but found out that a relative couldn't afford to have mince pies etc on christmas day and had instead bought tat (that's all you'll get with £5 each) I'd be really disappointed I'd much rather my money went where it was needed.

The kids already have presents, they would have a better christmas with a share of goodies from great aunty mavis.

Go for it OP don't worry about the puritans- fwiw you don't know what postion you'll be in next christmas..

needafootmassage · 17/12/2010 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needafootmassage · 17/12/2010 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

threefeethighandrising · 17/12/2010 11:16

Definitely not unreasonable, go for it! It's been sent for Christmas, and you're spending it on Christmas. I think it's a nice idea to say the extra bits are from the relative.

There's nice thread here with ideas for a skint Christmas, in case it's useful.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas Smile

bytheMoonlight · 17/12/2010 11:17

use it

MickyLee · 17/12/2010 11:18

Do it! you are spending the money for them that's all. Why don't you let them choose the christmas treats themselves, then it is ok all round.

Byw When DD was 18 months, i had no money and was worrying about how I was going to buy afford that week. I was is a really bad situation. Then someone gave me 100 quid to spend on DD. Do you know what I had to do? Spend it on food. I gathered that I was buying her what she needed the very most that week.

christmasrocks · 17/12/2010 11:19

When I was little, my parents had nothing and struggled all the time, if a relative had sent money for us children, I would like to think that my mum would have used it. Its def the right thing to do, spend it on Christmas, I`m sure you children, when they are grown up, would be pleased that you did. Hope things get better for you an you have a lovely Christmas

threefeethighandrising · 17/12/2010 11:19

Oh, I forgot that thread other starts off with the OP pretty down in the dumps, but scroll down there are some nice suggestions, and a happier OP Smile

MickyLee · 17/12/2010 11:19

afford meaning food Blush

ThisIsANiceCage · 17/12/2010 11:20

Was about to post almost word for word what Doris said.

I'd add, if I were an egotistical giver, I'd still prefer to be Christmas Cake Aunty, present in everyone's minds and hearts in the middle of the Xmas celebration and forever the aunty who "Saved Xmas" (cake really matters when you're little!), than a scribbled name on a wrapper that might not even be read before being discarded.

howtoapproach · 17/12/2010 11:20

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all to use the money. I would in your position. You would be using the money to give your dc a happy xmas. It's not as though you're spending it on something for yourself. And if I had given it as a gift, I would not mind at all that you spent it in this way.

And yes, I too also use vouchers given to me on my birthdays to buy clothes/shoes for my dc. Agree with Chessy, they have to have new shoes/clothes when they get too small, whereas I can wear what i have.

WriterofDreams · 17/12/2010 11:20

What do you think the opinion of your kids would be, especially the older ones? I think it would break my heart, even at 11, if I knew my mum was agonising over giving me £5 that she desperately needed to buy things for Christmas Day. I wouldn't think twice about telling her to use to it for whatever it was needed for (including a pair of shoes for herself). Sweets are by no means essential and it is more important that you're not struggling to put food on the table so I would definitely say keep the money and use it for Christmas Day treats. If it makes you feel better you could always tell the children that the aunty sent the money specifically to spent for food for them, which is was in a way.

DingALongCow · 17/12/2010 11:23

YANBU Use it. I would and have. It is still being used for the DC after all.

Perhaps you could cover a cardboard box with cheap wrapping paper and put all the treats in there and under the tree like a hamper. Then it would be a 'proper' present and something for your children to be all excited about opening.

JeezyPeeps · 17/12/2010 11:23

Goor point writerofdreams.

I know my children (now 13 and 14) would give me what money they had if they felt it was needed.

Kids are often very generous and understanding.

Op, I really hope you do the write thing and use the money for Christmas. If there is enough leftover to help towards a pair of shoes so much the better, considering they got the benefit of your vouchers that should have been used for you.

JeezyPeeps · 17/12/2010 11:24

Good point, obviously!

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 17/12/2010 11:25

what about buy a £10 game that all the family can play on christmas day and make clear it's a gift from the relative that they can thank her for.

then spend the remaining £20 on chocs, christmas pudding, etc to make the day special.

it isn't a 'nice' thing. poverty isn't though. in principle i agree with hairy that this was money sent to the kids and they should have it. but this isn't an ideal world and sometimes in life principles have to be compromised to make things work in difficult times. in principle no one should be so skint that they need to take christmas money to buy a few treats for christmas day, once that principle is compromised others are bound to be.

DreamTeamGirl · 17/12/2010 11:25

Dora

If the money is for the children, then spend it on the children, by buying a load of nice stuff for Xmas day and say
'Aunty Doris send us £30 so I got all these lovely bits for Christmas with it'

Then send Aunty Doris a lovely letter saying 'we spent the money on lovely bits for Christmas day and everyone enjoyed the chocolate orange and mince pies. Thanks you!'

I would hate to think someone was buying toys with money I sent if they couldnt afford a Christmas dinner

RockinRobinBird · 17/12/2010 11:25

Don't hesitate. Put an IOU in their money boxes and use what you have to. I have borrowed DD's money in the past, I didn't feel good about it it, wasn't doing cartwheels or anything but it was a case of having to.

If you want a real sob story, during the summer I had absolutely nothing, nothing at all. DD had 2 £20 notes in her money box so I borrowed them. Went to Tesco, went to pay for my shopping and they had gone from my pocket. To cut a long story short, it seems I had stupidly put my keys in the same pocket, pulled the keys out in the middle of the car park, money came flying out too and some lucky bugger got themselves a free £40. I cried for days over that.

indiechick · 17/12/2010 11:26

I think so long as you spend it on the family, you relative wouldn't mind. If that means food for the whole family or paying a bill, it's still benefitting the kids.

DreamTeamGirl · 17/12/2010 11:29

Also DingALongCow's idea is a lovely one
After all it isnt like she told you what to buy with it is it?

Original poster
DorasDilema · 17/12/2010 11:30

You are all so lovely! Very understanding. Threefeet I will have a look at that thread.

Rockin, that awful Sad

OP posts:
missnevermind · 17/12/2010 11:30

When family send money, they send it to us FOR the children.How is buying nice food and treats for the children's Christmas not doing as they have asked?
I have been in the OPs position. We were given money on the birth of our youngest by my Grandparents, we used it to pay the mortgage so DH could have time off with us as a family, how is that not benefiting the child?
It is more in the spirit of how it is given.