Husbands DD is taking us for a ride?

[welshbyrd]

Husband DD13yrs.

He moved 100 miles to be with me, however, he always attends contact etc. We has our own DD 19 months together, his DD adores her.

We got married a few months ago, and it was first time his DD had met my DD age 12 & DS age 7,[from prevous relationship]. His DD and my DD got on fab, so well infact they have added each other on facebook etc, for chats etc. Fab we thought.

However, in time me and DH been together, seems his daughter only makes any contact, phone calls etc near her birthday and xmas, we try and give both DD about the same, in last 3 years, his DD has had 2 phones, a laptop[for schoolwork etc]digital camera, as main presents, and had lots of other bits beside, even DC shoes which she asked for £50 quid.W has discovered after, her mum only gave her £5 in card, for birthday.
We had planned to give my DD £150 and same to his daughter, aswell as smellies, clothes and few other bits etc. However, she has asked for a£300 blackberry phone[we only bought her a phone in feb for her birthday], DH said no, as she had phone a few months ago[wouldnt have mattered if she had only wanted a £30 phone.
She never bothered wanting contact on halloween, which my DH accepted,and beleives it is because we dont bring gifts for halloween. DH aims to have religous contact with DD her birthday, easter, his birthday, halloween, and xmas, and whatever she wants in between, however, like said had phone call a few weeks ago saying she wanted this phone.
Got told yesterday, she doesnt want my DD to come to see her,for visit next saturday[perhaps she felt in future maybe] however her and my DD, have regular contact on FB.DH is on facebook, though his DD never chats to him etc

Future plans would be she would have over nights down here etc,this is what she saying to us she wants to happen, however, she is telling others different things.
Husband is convinced she only wants the gifts, almost to the point, if he dropped them off without contact, she would be ok with that.
Only contact she has actively made to her dad in a year is, 2 weeks before xmas last year, 2 weeks before her birthday in Feb, and 2 weeks ago, to let us know about the phone she wanted.

I feel really upset that you all think that little of a me, just to want her to stay where she is, forget her, and have my own little family life, she is part of my family, even though ive only met her once[had to prove to SS we were in longterm relationship, and wait for CRB check]

Im not posting again, Im going spend my time, trying to get this little girl out of care, im not a uncaring person that you all think I am. Im terrible sad about her situation,perhaps if I had been around before I could have done something , I was not though, so am doing all SS want us too[slow isnt the word]
I spend my days, swimming lessons, school fetes, dance class, taxi to my kids, I would like the chance to do this with DH DD.
Im really sorry you feel I havent done enough, but up until august when we got married, SS did not even acknowledge our relationship, in fact up until 3 months before baby born DH was told not to tell DD about me, to not upset her.

mamatomany, DH was told up until 3months before baby was born not to tell DD about his new relationship, we have only done what SS have asked of us

welsh - all this about what SS would or wouldn't do - have you had those conversations yourself or has this all come through to you via your dh?

DSD brother is not my DHs son, so if we applied for her she would be leaving her brother. DSD mother refused DH contact with the brother though he has added DH on FB

NorthernLurker - no regarding DSD finding out about me, I was there by telephone listening to SW, having met SW now, she explained it was because SS need to be sure relationship was stable before letting DSD know about a third party, which is why only now, DSD knows about me and family, we can apply to court for her

I don't think you're horrible, welshbyrd, just very naive. I can see how this thread has opened a massive can of worms for you. It's not so much the situation now that makes me think , it's all those years your H spent apparently just twiddling his thumbs, living at his mum's and not bothering to sort this out. If you already had DCs, your H had a vested interest in appearing as a good dad when he met you. Meanwhile, you fell in love and of course wanted to believe what he was telling you. It must be very painful, but try and listen to what everybody is telling you - these are not the actions of a caring father.

welshbyrd I really hope you take on board some of the helpful comments on here. You need to get savvy about SS and find out exactly what your DH and you can do regarding contact. If FCs can't assist with contact that hasn't been outlined with SS, then you need to get it in place. You and your DH need to fight for all the contact you can get rather than blaming the FC and the mother.

Your DSD needs regular contact with her dad and overnight visits with you (especially if you're going to pursue custody). In my extended family, a DSD was moved 100s of miles to live with her dad's new family and although it didn't work out, she's now moved closer to her dad now she's older. She knows she was loved even though it didn't work out. If you came to her with custody sorted out, she could then choose. And if she came to you for a weekend regularly could she attend a club to make friends?

Welsh, I'm sorry you are distressed by this. For my part, it's not you or your concern I'm doubting, it's your DH. I seems (here at least) that I'm not alone in this. Bluntly, I think your DH isn't telling you the whole story about his level of commitment to his DD and you are being niave rather than disingenuous.

I accept that SS may not have been willing to consider handing over your DSD until you were married to and settled with DH, but what about the time before that? The time when he didn't fight to have his little girl with him, the time when moved 100 miles away and selfishly chose his own lifestyle, his girlfriend and his girlfriend's children over his own child?

So far all we have heard are tales of how he was living in his mother's house when the mother became a junkie, which is why he couldn't have his own child living with him. A grown, presumably reasonably intelligent and able-bodied man, who if his mother wouldn't accomodate his child too, was presumably able to identify and secure, either privately or via the council, probably with SS assistance, a new home? And yet he didn't, he stayed with his mother anf then moved 100 miles away from his child in care to be with someone else's children. I'm sorry love, but that just doesn't wash with me. It doesn't add up.

I'd have gone through every court in the land, been on the front page of every newspaper in the country, if that had been me.

Anyone who does what your DH did simply isn't interested in their child.

Agreed vallhalla

I'm surprised anyone could understand what I was saying there, let alone agree with it, MsKalo! I was distracted by a hundred other things, hit "send" and only then did I realise how awful my English was in that post! :o

Welshbyrd, someone needs to sort this out. I was brought up by my maternal grandparents after my mother died. We had regular visits with my father over the years. When I was 13, he embarked on a new serious relationship to a woman with dcs younger than my sister and I.

After that, we always took second place - he would come for Xmas morning, but always leave, we would go there to find the dcs with a mountain of expensive gifts, they would all go on holiday once or twice a year (my dsis and I were NEVER invited once).

Now I was brought up with family, and not in care, but it was FECKING horrible. It is only as I got older that I realised what an effect this has on me. Someone posted earlier that you "harden" yourself against it, so that you don't get hurt.

My gps were also upset about how things turned out, so they started making life more difficult for him. They instigated a court case to get legal guardianship and more money and then my dad was no longer welcome in the house. SWs got involved. We saw my dad less and less. My GPs wanted to us to sign forms under threat of being thrown out (of the only home we had ever known).

I could not WAIT to leave home and get away from it all. I spent years feeling that I was a nuisance and that no-one loved me. I felt that I was never good enough. It did make me hard and self-reliant, but I still suffer from very low self esteem. My dsis has been through counselling.

I had NO expectation at the time that my Dad should have done something differently to what he did. I remember wishing for it but I couldn't see how it could happen.

As a grown up with my own child, reading this OP, I think - HOW DARE HE leave us there to put up with all that shit for years. We were his children, we should have come first, not last! I still see him, he has just been for the weekend in fact, but I don't feel any strong emotion for him. I am happy that he is building a relationship with dd - she is a bit short on GPs, but that is about it.

OP let's hope your DH can step up to the plate.

Welsh there was nothing to stop your dh from applying for custody either whilst he was living with his parents or once he got his own place. 7 years is long time in care, especially at the age his dd is. In 3 yrs time she will be having to find a place of her own to live. You and your dh have very little time to repair your relationship with her. If ss won't allow the contact you want then you need to go to court.

Is there a reason why you live so far from your dsd and is there a reason you can't move closer?

Actually have just read valhalla's post and I couldn't agree more.

Portofino, how terribly sad :(

Welshbyrd, you didn't answer my question. Do you think that your DH has acted well in this situation? Honestly?

Porto - was not going to post again, however, your post has saddened me, that yourself and your DS, were made to feel second best to new family, you mentioned mountains of gifts for new partners children, eveything my DD get, we buy for DSD, eveything, even down to fresh fruit for her chocolate fountain.

DSD is not second best to my children, with limited contact, and SW hiding DH relationship until 3 months before birth of baby, have found it almost impossible to shower her with emotional love and affection,because she knew nothing about us, just made extra special gifts, in fact my DD made DSD a fab fishglass[coffee jar, little fish, sand in bottom filled with water], how DH explained who made it, without letting on about I dont know. If we are lucky enough to get custody of her, she is a member of our family, not an outsider, She would never be treated any different to rest of family. Just sad situation that her brother has grown up with her in the same foster family, we would actively encourage any contact between them, but their relationship would change massively.
What a mess

Gorionnine - it is my understanding that the girl's foster parents are actively preventing contact between her and her father, by supervising internet access and not allowing phone calls - hence my statement that they should be enabling contact by phone etc.

What I do not understand is why the girl's father has not moved heaven and earth to get social services to make the foster parents allow him to call and speak to his dd regularly. That was what my post meant - obviously it was less clear on here than it was in my head - sorry!

It's not about money or gifts though, but time and effort.

Paxo - I would have to question DH about more details etc, it does not look well I agree, he really has been a fab dad to my DC, so does not make sense that he would not have been the same with his DD.When I first started dating DH, he was a very sad, depressed man,[he did have good weeks, was fun etc] one time sticks in my head, it was christmas time, for 4 weeks, he didnt phone me, when he would come internet to chat, he would say a one liner, and not come back on for 5-6 days, his mum had made me aware he was spending all his time in his room, 4 whole weeks

Mollie - have been seriously considering moving to be closer to DSD, im sure thats possibly why DH contacts were made to 5 times a years, instead usual arrangements[SS thought mileage was to far for travelling each month, though DH has never not attended contact]

i'm sure this thread massively upsetting for you. it's your husband who deserves a good spank. I would want to be the best step mother i could be in your shoes but you can't even begin to try until your husband is a mediocre father and at the moment, he's not even that.

Gorionnine - yes FP are actively preventing contact, phone calls, internet, which has been approved by SW. A visit last july was also prevented, FP has a hoilday caravan, about 30 ins from where me and DH lives, contact was arranged for a Saturday, DH would pick DD up from the caravan park. Day before contact, phone call comes in, Foster mother is ill and have to return home[ they had been at caravan park for 2 weeks prior to this staurday contact], we understood, and no rearrangemnt was made, as SW stated did not know how long FM would be ill for. DSD phoned DH the next evening[without FP knowing] saying FM was fine, just they had builder going into their home to fit a new kitchen , we could not however, tell SW about this, else we would be breaking DSD confidence, and no doubt she would have a grilling off FP for phoning us[at the time phone calls were not ok] SW agreed to phone calls contact etc in August

OP I think you've been very naive

I agree with everything Valhalla has said (it made perfect sense to me )

You've got to ask yourself what sort of man will opt to move 100 miles away from his dd to live with his girlfriend and her children. What sort of man will choose to do this instead of staying in the area, getting his own place and fighting to get residency(?) of his dd.

Welshbyrd, could it be that you haven't closely questioned your DH up until now because deep down you think he's done wrong? Can you imagine leaving your children in care for years and doing the bare minimum in terms of contact? I get that this is painful, but please open your eyes. This man has let down his child, and you are helping him to make excuses. I'm not demonising you, because ultimately this situation is not yours to resolve. I couldn't respect a man who abandoned his own children, made feeble excuses, and then set up home and played dad to someone else's children. Maybe he's a good Dad to your children because it's easy? I fear for you if it ever gets hard.

Paxo - I would NEVER leave my DC in care, they would never end be in that situation, that SS would feel they have to intervene, I feel as strongly as this regarding DSD also, however, as relationship was hidden[SS request] as I have only met DD once at wedding, it is only now, we would be consider to apply for DSD

I think it absolutely makes sense that he is a fab dad to your children while abandoning the one from his previous relationship. A lot of men do this in my experience - start a new relationship and then try and erase the past and their former family. It's like they think they can have a second shot at being that perfect dad and the children from the former relationship are somehow soiled by that relationship breaking down.

My ex-bf's parents split up when he was a teenager and he never saw his dad again. His dad adopted the children from his new relationship and basically pretended his former family didn't exist. It had a hugely detrimental effect on his children who always felt they weren't good enough for him :(

sorry typos are crap