Husbands DD is taking us for a ride?

[welshbyrd]

Husband DD13yrs.

He moved 100 miles to be with me, however, he always attends contact etc. We has our own DD 19 months together, his DD adores her.

We got married a few months ago, and it was first time his DD had met my DD age 12 & DS age 7,[from prevous relationship]. His DD and my DD got on fab, so well infact they have added each other on facebook etc, for chats etc. Fab we thought.

However, in time me and DH been together, seems his daughter only makes any contact, phone calls etc near her birthday and xmas, we try and give both DD about the same, in last 3 years, his DD has had 2 phones, a laptop[for schoolwork etc]digital camera, as main presents, and had lots of other bits beside, even DC shoes which she asked for £50 quid.W has discovered after, her mum only gave her £5 in card, for birthday.
We had planned to give my DD £150 and same to his daughter, aswell as smellies, clothes and few other bits etc. However, she has asked for a£300 blackberry phone[we only bought her a phone in feb for her birthday], DH said no, as she had phone a few months ago[wouldnt have mattered if she had only wanted a £30 phone.
She never bothered wanting contact on halloween, which my DH accepted,and beleives it is because we dont bring gifts for halloween. DH aims to have religous contact with DD her birthday, easter, his birthday, halloween, and xmas, and whatever she wants in between, however, like said had phone call a few weeks ago saying she wanted this phone.
Got told yesterday, she doesnt want my DD to come to see her,for visit next saturday[perhaps she felt in future maybe] however her and my DD, have regular contact on FB.DH is on facebook, though his DD never chats to him etc

Future plans would be she would have over nights down here etc,this is what she saying to us she wants to happen, however, she is telling others different things.
Husband is convinced she only wants the gifts, almost to the point, if he dropped them off without contact, she would be ok with that.
Only contact she has actively made to her dad in a year is, 2 weeks before xmas last year, 2 weeks before her birthday in Feb, and 2 weeks ago, to let us know about the phone she wanted.

You have been with him all this time and YOU are not up to speed with SS.

Sheesh.

You are sleep walking through this situation. You should have informed yourselves as to this before you got married to H. You were clearly in a secure enough position to be busy planning a wedding, to be raising a daughter together. Too busy to look into uniting the family though?

The DD probably only asks for stuff cos she gave up on any real love coming her way a long time ago.

Your H let her down. She will never recover from this.

You have been told here to give it up, to let her have her life without you pair. Sounds like your H gave up on her a long time ago, and she has given up on him ever stepping up and being a parent to her.

The SS can just see that your H has moved on. they are resigned to him never stepping up.

Well I'm a foster carer and it seems to me that you're planning on going about this all wrong.

1. Has he been attanding the LAC reviews - they are every six months - has he missed any?

1. He asks in the review for telephone contact - social services decide that (or a court does) - foster carers don't. He asks in the review for contact in person.

1. He should not ask her if she wants to come and live with him - that is not a suitable question - he should just apply to the court.

If he has not attended the reviews, if he has been daft enough to just threaten to take her, if he has tried to usurp contact by trying to phone the land line and by giving her phones to contact her then he is simply doing the WRONG THING.

I've had foster children who have come back from contact with phones and facebook addresses - they are not allowed to use them unless social services explicitly give permission.

There is only one way to do this - go through social services to get what you want or the court.

Never mind the residency issue - I still don't understand why this man is not insisting he is able to speak to his daughter on a regular and frequent basis - a couple of times a week at least.

I would be onto the social worker every day until this minimum contact was sorted out. This poor girl needs to be speaking to her father at least twice a week, so she can gain confidence that he is there for her, cares for her, will listen to her, and wants to be involved in her life. Allowing the foster family to carry on blocking contact does not demonstrate any degree of caring to this girl - quite the opposite in fact.

Chipping came about - DH left childrens mother, a few weeks after she was involved with drugs, undesirables at her home etc - she got drunk one night, phoning DH asking him to return, he refused. Next phone call DH had was from a neighbour of hers, stating DCs mother had rung SS, stating she couldnt cope etc[ after DH refusals of returning] DD could have been sent to DH mothers however, some years before, DDs mother fell out with her, so there was no relationship between DD and GM. So DC were taken in voluntarily,[could be returned at anytime] to give mother time, however, a horrific [stabbing]took place at the house, and things went from bad to worse with DD mother, poilce fighting etc all the time. So SS took a residency order, for DC not to be returned to mother,. As DH and mother had recently split, he was refused custoday on grounds he may of returned to DC mother.
His contact was supervised, as during SS assestment for custoday of DD, they asked him what would happen if he did not get custoday, he replied he would take her[hast, anger], so made his contact supervised, in the case he may take her.
His contact was monthly, until he moved here, at DD requested 5 times a year in lack review, so it got set back to that [DD didnt know he had moved SS requested for him not to say, incase it did not work out, with us]

Why would his DD only request contact 5 times a year when he had been seeing her every month?

Had he been a good father to her the whole 10 years he lived with her?

My half siblings only bothered with my Nan when it was near their birthdays and Christmas. She was wise to it though.

Crikey, OP, she is only thirteen and she could be feeling very, very insecure. I think 'taking for a ride' is a very mean thing to say about your husbands DD.

It is up to your DH to be contacting her regularly, weekly - and seeing her regularly - AT LEAST weekly. He has moved away, and now has a new family, I think this could be making her feel very confused and insecure.

The onus is always on the absent parent to make the effort.

You don't sound very understanding, either.

YABU.

I have now read more of the thread and feel you have done an AIBU by stealth.

This child is hurting. Her mother is no good, her father doesn't seem to want her, no one is speaking up for her and to her and her foster family are crap on the basis of what has been posted.

I really hoped that social services would have changed by now .

Pressure from her mum Laurie, DD nearly didnt come to mine and DH wedding because of her mum, thankfully SW asked her without mum present, and she was thrilled about coming

Didnt mean the post to sound how it did, meant "hope DH DD, would have been more excitied about contact, aswell as presents"

Laurie - he was fab dad when he was with mum, in fact it was him who did all the day to day things with her and her brother

OP,
i think that you are taking all the attacks really well, i am sure that you are a decent person. I do however , agree with the posters
who say that it was wrong of your dh to marry you then move 100 miles away. He should have got his own place and fought for hid daughter. I really can't abide the excuses. He should NOT have married a woman with children and then left his own dd in foster care. He should continue to apply for custody , even if he is turned down, his dd will appreciate the fact that her father is gighting for her, even if she does not really want to live with hin.

fighting

The actions of your dh towards his dd disgust me.

she is a child.
children behave badly.
he should be there for her.

"he was fab dad when he was with mum, in fact it was him who did all the day to day things with her and her brother"

Did he tell you that OP? Because it sounds pretty suspect to me that a "hands on" Dad like that could go from being in the main caring role to having virtually nothing to do with his dc. Sounds like utter crap tbh.

Look to be fair to you, you don't sound like an unpleasant person, but you do sound totally clueless about this situation and I can only put this down to you believing everything your dh has told you and I really think you need to open your eyes and listen to and take some of the advice given on this thread, your dh needs a good kick up the arse. No half sibling of MY child would be in care unless there was absolutely NOTHING I could do about it ie failed the assessments that kind of thing. She is no blood relative to YOU but she is to YOUR dd.

Firstly I would get clued up about this and then light a rocket under your dh's arse because it sounds like he bloody needs one. As others have said she may not WANT to live with you but she is only 13, a child and she needs to know that no stone has been left unturned to get her back.

I really hope you sort this out and stop worrying about petty crap like phones.

Sorry just to clarify no half sibling or step child of mine would be in care. Was just emphasising that no only is she YOUR husbands dd she is also YOUR dd's blood relative.

I agree entirely with Avoidingargosthischristmas. You don't sound like a horrible person, but I can't help thinking that you only have a very small part of the story here. I don't understand what on earth prevented your dh from at least trying for custody of his dd - and somehow, the whole thing doesn't add up.

As someone whose father left her when she was young I back up the theory of grasping at anything material/monetary from the absent father in replacement for th love and attention that you really want.

Th request for a blackberry has probably come from her friends having them and nothing more.

Your DH needs to decide what he wants and talk to SS.

Your DH sounds like a man, who decided he didn't have such a good first marriage and child so he's moved on to do another marriage and child, and it's a bit sad his previous child is still around, but she's in foster care, so he doesn't bother much.

If he has left one child in care, he'll do it again.

Even my ex alcoholic BIL talks to his daughter on the phone daily. She lives with her granny as her mum was a drug addict and visits her dad every holidays. She knows her dad is an ill man and she has to live with granny, but she does know she's loved.

I don't think your stepdaughter is loved, and she certainly doesn't feel it or she wouldn't act like she is. She has probably looked and thought, "dad ditched mum, then me, and now he has a new family, he doesn't need me". Poor kid.

Sorry OP, I have to agree with the last couple of posters. I think this man has fed you a steaming pile of BS and you've swallowed it. Love is blind, eh?

This thread is incredibly confusing.

What sort of man fucks off to start a family with someone else when he has a daughter in care?

Regardless of the ins and outs of whether you two as a couple have been unable to apply for residence for the DD until now, how come she has been in care for 6 years? This is before you met your partner yes? Why has he left her in care for so long?

I am confused.

You seem to be awfully wrapped up in what she wants - I'm not sure if this is just what he has fed you - it's not really about what she wants - she is a child and she should be with her family. She has been in care for 6 years? So since she was 7? Really?

And why on earth is your DH not seeing her weekly? What's all this crap about every 3 months? Is a man that treats his child like this attractive?

I don't understand how a loving hands on father, on splitting up with the mother who is a drug addict/stabbings/police involved type of person, would ever walk out and leave small children with the mother. The DD was about 6 or 7 then, I think, and what, the mother was that awful, and her father just left her there?

That just doesn't fit.

I know ISNT - it just doesn't make any sense.

I am trying to be supportive in the hope that something someone says, makes the OP realise something or do something that helps this young girl... but I'm finding it hard not to shoot his crap down in flames tbh.