Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands DD is taking us for a ride?

257 replies

welshbyrd · 12/12/2010 09:49

Husband DD13yrs.

He moved 100 miles to be with me, however, he always attends contact etc. We has our own DD 19 months together, his DD adores her.

We got married a few months ago, and it was first time his DD had met my DD age 12 & DS age 7,[from prevous relationship]. His DD and my DD got on fab, so well infact they have added each other on facebook etc, for chats etc. Fab we thought.

However, in time me and DH been together, seems his daughter only makes any contact, phone calls etc near her birthday and xmas, we try and give both DD about the same, in last 3 years, his DD has had 2 phones, a laptop[for schoolwork etc]digital camera, as main presents, and had lots of other bits beside, even DC shoes which she asked for £50 quid.W has discovered after, her mum only gave her £5 in card, for birthday.
We had planned to give my DD £150 and same to his daughter, aswell as smellies, clothes and few other bits etc. However, she has asked for a£300 blackberry phone[we only bought her a phone in feb for her birthday], DH said no, as she had phone a few months ago[wouldnt have mattered if she had only wanted a £30 phone.
She never bothered wanting contact on halloween, which my DH accepted,and beleives it is because we dont bring gifts for halloween. DH aims to have religous contact with DD her birthday, easter, his birthday, halloween, and xmas, and whatever she wants in between, however, like said had phone call a few weeks ago saying she wanted this phone.
Got told yesterday, she doesnt want my DD to come to see her,for visit next saturday[perhaps she felt in future maybe] however her and my DD, have regular contact on FB.DH is on facebook, though his DD never chats to him etc

Future plans would be she would have over nights down here etc,this is what she saying to us she wants to happen, however, she is telling others different things.
Husband is convinced she only wants the gifts, almost to the point, if he dropped them off without contact, she would be ok with that. Sad
Only contact she has actively made to her dad in a year is, 2 weeks before xmas last year, 2 weeks before her birthday in Feb, and 2 weeks ago, to let us know about the phone she wanted.

OP posts:
ISNT · 12/12/2010 17:45

welshbyrd I have to say that you sound nice, but there is something terribly terribly wrong with this situation. I agree with others who think that your DH is spinning you a line. Think about what has happened. He walked out and left her there. He moved 100 miles away from her. He hasn't tried to get custody. He doesn't do anything about the fact the foster parents are denying contact. Where are the lawyers? Where is the advice? Where are the letters and applications for more contact/better contact/contact not being denied etc?

flippinggorgeous · 12/12/2010 17:50

Threads like this make me more determined to foster than ever. The poor little girl.

ChippingIn · 12/12/2010 17:55

Flipping - I know what you mean, but I just couldn't be that brave, I couldn't bear to hand them back to feckless parents or even brand new, lovely, adoptive parents... I just couldn't... There is one Foster mum on here who has a little baby girl in her care, birth Mum had drugs/drink problem and the baby is going to her adoptive parents in the New Year.... it would break my heart to have had her and loved her all this time then to hand her over. Foster parents are incredible and brave.

ruddynorah · 12/12/2010 17:58

When your dp left his ex and went to his mums house why didn't he take his dd with him? The ex was getting involved in drugs but he left his dd with her and got himself out of there?

I'm actually perplexed by this. I went through a custody battle as a child, between my dad and my grandparents. I've read all the court documents and solicitor letters. God help your dh when his dd reads hers.

rainbowinthesky · 12/12/2010 18:06

One of the saddest threads I've read on here for a long time. What a shambles. Poor, poor girl. Failed miserably by the adults in her life. Thank god for the foster parents.
How can you be with a man who could do this to his daughter and a boy he was raising as his own? Caring, decent people dont do this.
I grew up with much older half siblings living with their other parent and having very limited contact with mine. Nasty, nasty, nasty and these poor kids will be screwed up for life whilst daddy and his new wife bring up children of their own.

StayingFatherChristmasGirl · 12/12/2010 18:18

Shouldn't the foster parents be encouraging contact with the girl's father, though? I can understand them wanting to monitor internet access, but they should be enabling her to speak to her dad on the phone on a regular basis - at least weekly, if not more often, so he can stay in touch with her life, what she's up to, how school is going etc etc.

If I had a child in foster care, and the foster parents were not letting me talk to my child on the phone, I would be raising merry hell to change this situation, not letting it drag on for years and years.

If my dh had a child by a previous relationship who was in foster care, and he wasn't moving heaven and earth to stay in contact with that child, I would be a) - pushing him to have more contact and to stay on social service's case about the foster parents blocking access and b) - worried about whether he'd really be there for our children if anything happened to our relationship. I certainly wouldn't be letting this poor girl carry on feeling that her dad can't even be bothered to ring her - and regardless of whether it is the foster parents' fault he can't ring, she will be percieving this as her dad not bothering to speak to her.

classydiva · 12/12/2010 18:29

YOu can buy blackberrys for £150. The purple curve from 02. If thats all she wants, buy it.

StewieGriffinsMom · 12/12/2010 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummytoatribe · 12/12/2010 19:22

The more have I read since I posted, the more I stand by what I said about excuses, but I agree that actually the excuses are coming from the "D"H in this not necc. the OP.

Welshbyrd I know that it would be very difficult to say to your OH that you dont believe that he is being straight with you about something so important but I really think you need to, if only for your own peace of mind.

NorthernLurker · 12/12/2010 19:30

This is a horrible, horrible thread.
Welshbyrd - what are you doing? Would you want to see your children in this situation> Do you honestly think 6 years in care has been the best thing for dd? Get a grip woman and do something - and if your husband won't act - I mean really act and stand up for his child then I think you really have to ask yourself wwould he stand up for the child you have together? Whatever happens, whatever they do - you need to know he will be a father - and I don't see how you can know that now as he is failing so badly. It's pretty sickening tbh - and I'm sure that's how the foster parents see it.

forehead · 12/12/2010 19:34

NorthernLurker, you are right, i feel quite depressed about this issue. Poor child

Ormirian · 12/12/2010 19:35

I know fuck all about step families but what's to stop your DH from telling SS that he is taking his daughter regardless of what she says she wants? I'm fairly sure that I'd want to do that if the alternative was foster parenting and I was in a position to do so.

BonniePrinceBilly · 12/12/2010 19:44

Come fucking off it OP. Your husband is an out and out cunt, and you support him in it.

LeakMyWiki · 12/12/2010 19:49

I don't understand how it cannot have raised massive alarm bells for you. Your dh left his child in the care of a woman who he is saying is a junkie. WHY? and second then left her in the care of the state. And moved 100 miles away from her and has pursued very limited contact. She has been a looked after child for SIX years.

What do you think would happen to your dc if you die? I think it is clear you couldn't rely on your h. I would make some plans that don't involve him to make sure that in the event of something terrible happening, your dc doesn't end up in care. Ugh, I've read some things on MN but this is so sad. You don't sound like a bad person, but there's so many many excuses.

StayFrosty · 12/12/2010 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NorthernLurker · 12/12/2010 20:03

Leak - that's exactly what I would be worried about in the op's case. Anybody could have an accident or sudden illness and to think you can't rely on the father of your child to step and up and take care of them. Ugh!

mamatomany · 12/12/2010 21:38

The OP has seen how the man has behaved, I hope she has alternative arrangements should anything happen to her and indeed a will stating where she wants her children to go because clearly the DH would consider foster care to be an option again no doubt.
This should be a wake up call it really should.

Mypombearisveryold · 12/12/2010 23:05

Oh I'm sorry that I have to add, I think I'm like Valhallas dcs.

My dad has not taken the slightest interest in me or my dsis since he left my dm.

I have always looked to him for material items and been so hurt that he hasn't cared about me. Still so.

But this is different, it's not just about a divorce it's about a child being in care. Jesus my pils would move heaven and earth not to have any of my children in care. I think he has spun you a crock of shit. Sort it out. Poor little girl. Your op as well that she is taking you for a ride...gah.

Can't you see it op that this child is not taking you for a ride, but you should have cared for her. Your dh at least.

Poor little girl.

MollieO · 13/12/2010 00:15

I think there is a lot more to this than the OP has posted. Maybe the OP's dh is saying what he thinks the OP wants to hear. No info on how long OP has been with her dh (or I've missed that an apologise) but 7 yrs in care is a long time for the dh to do nothing to sort out residency.

Quattrocento · 13/12/2010 00:35

Words fail me

I think the OP is revolting and her husband worse than revolting.

I acknowledge that this might not be the greatest contribution ever made to a thread

gorionine · 13/12/2010 06:48

"Shouldn't the foster parents be encouraging contact with the girl's father, though? I can understand them wanting to monitor internet access, but they should be enabling her to speak to her dad on the phone on a regular basis - at least weekly, if not more often, so he can stay in touch with her life, what she's up to, how school is going etc etc.2

According to a previous poster (sorry I forgot the name) who is herself a foster parent, FP are not in charge of allowing any sort of access (visits, phone, facebook...) they can only allow the access that SS tells them they can allow. FP have absolutely no say in it.

Original poster
welshbyrd · 13/12/2010 07:34

leaky - she wasnt on drugs when DH left her, it all started after he had left, she started hanging around with different prople

Stayfrosty - believe stabbing was between her new friends, the victim was seriously hurt, though still alive, attacker was sent to prison for a long time

OP posts:
Original poster
welshbyrd · 13/12/2010 07:39

MollieO - I would be distraught at my DC going into car, we want to take DH DD back, but before we applied for her[go to court] we have to be in a longterm relationship, we could not have applied for her any sooner, if we did we would have been laughed out of court, prove to SW, court etc this relationship wasnt a fling etc

OP posts:
MsKalo · 13/12/2010 07:42

I think a child - which is what she is - would much rather move away and be with her dad. She must feel so rejected - you are all living together yet she is 100 miles away. Don't you see this? Her dad should apply for custody

mamatomany · 13/12/2010 07:46

"we want to take DH DD back, but before we applied for her[go to court] we have to be in a longterm relationship"

That simply isn't true, i could apply through the courts for custody of her and the courts would look to see if it's in her best interests and then decide if i could have her or not.
For the sake of £200 which is waived if you are on a low income you have to apply, every year if necessary. To send her the message she is welcome, wanted by your family.