Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have really laid into this woman today?

447 replies

Avoidingargosthischristmas · 08/12/2010 23:10

Out shopping with dc today, in a shop when my kids disappear round the end of the aisle, I follow them within seconds only to hear someone shouting "be careful you rude, horrible little girl!" at my 4 year old dd, apparently she had pushed past this woman while trying to catch her brother. I said to the woman "are you talking to my daughter, because if you are how dare you speak to her like that, she is only four years old!". She replied "old enough to know not to push then". I then said "would you have spoken to her like that if you had seen an adult with her close by? Go on do it again, speak to my four year old daughter like that again right in front of me". She didn't.

Now just to give all the info, my ds has autism and my dd also shows some traits and we are starting the assessment process for her, I told the woman this and she just shrugged but did not say anything else.

Autistic or not though surely it is not acceptable to speak to a small child in this way? It all went quiet and everyone was looking at us but I don't regret speaking up, just felt so angry and upset for dd having that said to her.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 09/12/2010 00:16

Do you think that the OP is bragging? Or raising an issue and asking how others would have coped? Walk a mile in ther shoes and all that. I'm not sure what's ridiculous about that, so Hmm right back atcha.

But I'll leave this thread now, as I tend to use MN for light relief rather than barnies with people who are lacking the empathy muscle.

OP- I hope you find some strategies which help- good luck to you.

MerryBlessings · 09/12/2010 00:19

I can't get over some of the responses here! Shock

YANBU

Regardless of whether your kids have SN, it's is simply impossible to keep your eyes on kids every second. If you did you'd never get the flippin shopping done.

Yes, it's annoying when you get barged by kids but it's a fact of life and if you're going to go somewhere pubic like a supermarket, this will occasionally happen to you. If you are unfortunate to have some kind of illness that means you are at risk from something like this then you should make alternative arrangements.

No they shouldn't have run into her but if she'd have given you a second, you'd have apologised. I think this is the key, when the parents are so self absorbed that they don't apologise or try to stop whatever chaos kids are causing. In this case you weren't given a chance.

The other woman started the aggression by shouting at your children; I think she deserved what she got. Don't start a battle you can't finish.

thesecondcoming · 09/12/2010 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

adrenalinejunkie · 09/12/2010 00:20

yanbu but people who expect young children to alays stay glued to your side are imo , most children dart off from their parents no matter how well behaved they normally are .The lady who called your dd horrible is bvu ,calling young children names is not acceptable ever .

fishtankneedscleaning · 09/12/2010 00:21

Coilditz.

Not sure why my comment was absurd. As a foster carer I have raised lots of children with SN. I have never resorted to brawling in supermarkets though. That may be because I have never allowed children to run and push into people.

As you and other posters have said there are equipment readily available to ensure the child does not leave your side. Supermarket trolleys (and a good quality harness) ensures the child's (and others safety) for the duration of a shopping trip.

AitchTwoOh · 09/12/2010 00:21

oh i totally feel that she is bragging, not least fo the fact that it is in AIBU. she didn't 'speak up' for her child, she attacked another woman who had spoken badly to her child. she knows that no-one thinks it's cool to 'shout' at a four year old, but wants extra clemency for her own behaviour because her child may not be nt. 'Go on, do it again, speak to my 4 year old like that again right in front of me' is incredibly aggressive and threatening imo. what a great example, and what a marked lack of shame shown on here.

booyhohoho · 09/12/2010 00:21

tbh i don't think OP has come on here to ask what others would have done because even when people are suggesting she should have apologised she is insisting she was in th right to act as she did, so sorry i too think this is a boast.

colditz · 09/12/2010 00:25

a) you cannot put a 7 year old in a supermarket trolly
b) many children WILL NOT WEAR a wrist strap
c) crelling harnesses are expensive, as you would know as a (presumably ss funded) foster carer, and not everyone knows about them, or, indeed, that their cihld has SN at all. Foster carers are told at least something about their Fc's before placement. Biological parents are doing it in the dark.

fishtankneedscleaning · 09/12/2010 00:27

I agree with Aitch and Boo. Any parent who overheard someone shouting at her child would have asked what the problem was and dealt with it accordingly. Not turned the corner and immediately behaved in a confrontational manner.

As the OP stated in her original post, her child may have SN, therefore she was aware that her child was capable of pushing the woman.

Sadly we have only one side to the story.

Original poster
Avoidingargosthischristmas · 09/12/2010 00:31

Well you are clearly a much better person than me aitch and good for you.

In incidents I don't actually experience I know I too would behave impeccably....

As for "shame" it's not a word I like to use as I find it rather toxic. Sorrow, regret, make amends are the rules I prefer to live by but certainly not in this case.

OP posts:
fishtankneedscleaning · 09/12/2010 00:31

Colditz you obviously have NO idea of fostering. And I have no idea why you think it is impossible to place a 7 year old in a trolley seat, or make them wear a wrist strap. I can well imagine the reception I would get from SW if I stated as an adult I was not able to place a wrist band on a 7 year old or secure him in a trolley for his own safety.

I will leave it at that.

colditz · 09/12/2010 00:34

And, as we know from the op, the Op;'s KNOWN sn child had got away from her, and she was trying to catch them both up.

When one of your children is capable at age 7 of walking out of a door and NOT COMING BACK, and also, at age 7, will not be stopped by anyone because they look perfectly normal and like they know where they're going, and you THEN have to turn your attention to your four year old being screamed at - it's a heart attack waiting to happen.

I'm not condoning the argument (which is all it wasn't it wasn't a brawl, that's just hyperbole), I am laying the scene for those of you who have never lived it.

The OP doesn't have an NT 7 year old. When your oldest child is less reliably behaved than your youngest, you forget that most 7 year olds can be trusted to walk around a supermarket without jumping onto a shelf stacjker's back, or ge3tting all the eggs out of the boxes to spin them on the floor, or biting cakes.

AitchTwoOh · 09/12/2010 00:34

ah you see that is the bullshit post right there... 'you are clearly a better person etc'. blah blah blah. why waste your time posting this entire thread, OP, if you won't tolerate being told yabu without becoming snidey?

Original poster
Avoidingargosthischristmas · 09/12/2010 00:35

Thanks BOF. Glad you got where I was coming from with this and everyone else who gave their view whatever it was. Good night.

OP posts:
colditz · 09/12/2010 00:35

You have never put an average sized 7 year old in a trolley????????? He must have been severly underweight because those seats are only safe to 15 kilos. That's not very good practice, is it?

colditz · 09/12/2010 00:37

If you can get a sensory sensitive autistic 7 year old to wear a wrist band he doesn't want to wear without lying on the floor and screaming until he passes out, I know someone who would be very interested in your methods, fishtanks. SERIOUSLY, no sarcasm, it's useful information and someone at one of my 'groups' really needs to know.

fishtankneedscleaning · 09/12/2010 00:37

All the more reason to make sure they are not allowed to walk, or run, freely around a supermarket I would have thought Colditz

midori1999 · 09/12/2010 00:37

If my child were to behave in such a way that another adult felt the need to tell them off and my child was in the wrong, as this child was, I would be horribly embarrassed and apologise profusely, no matter what that person had said to my child. Maybe if they were especially nasty I might mention that it was uncalled for, whilst apologising, but I don't think a few words from a random stranger are going to do long term damage to any child.

Goblinchild · 09/12/2010 00:38

Oh, you can get 'em in, you just need a wirecutter to get them out. In a meltdown, my son was capable of exerting such force that he would have caused serious injury to himself if I'd tried to restrain him with a strap, and not notice the broken arm that resulted.

colditz · 09/12/2010 00:39

So how, precisely, in detail, do you ensure this? because I don't know what they teach to foster carers, but us parents are told fuck all.

Goblinchild · 09/12/2010 00:39

Hence the aforementioned bodywrap. Inelegant but effective.

Original poster
Avoidingargosthischristmas · 09/12/2010 00:39

But I don't think IABU, I don't mind reading opposing viewpoints but I don't have to agree do I? I think you have viewed and responded to my thread in the most negative way and I think you sound insufferably smug but you are certainly entitled to do so and I am entitled to respond in kind. Now really good night.

OP posts:
auntyfash · 09/12/2010 00:42

I would like to know what colditz asked you too fishtank.

colditz · 09/12/2010 00:42

I can't bodywrap my 7 year old any more. I'm just not strong enough. He's quite tall, he's UNNATURALLY strong, the only thing I can do, when he's in so much danger (or his little brother is) that it's the only thing TO do, it kind of lie on him and just take the hits.

colditz · 09/12/2010 00:44

Which, I might add, doesn't supervise his four year old brother for me. I rely on the kindness of friends (and acquaintences, and cashiers, and passing old ladies, and, lastly, Ds2's slight sense of self preservation)