Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have really laid into this woman today?

447 replies

Avoidingargosthischristmas · 08/12/2010 23:10

Out shopping with dc today, in a shop when my kids disappear round the end of the aisle, I follow them within seconds only to hear someone shouting "be careful you rude, horrible little girl!" at my 4 year old dd, apparently she had pushed past this woman while trying to catch her brother. I said to the woman "are you talking to my daughter, because if you are how dare you speak to her like that, she is only four years old!". She replied "old enough to know not to push then". I then said "would you have spoken to her like that if you had seen an adult with her close by? Go on do it again, speak to my four year old daughter like that again right in front of me". She didn't.

Now just to give all the info, my ds has autism and my dd also shows some traits and we are starting the assessment process for her, I told the woman this and she just shrugged but did not say anything else.

Autistic or not though surely it is not acceptable to speak to a small child in this way? It all went quiet and everyone was looking at us but I don't regret speaking up, just felt so angry and upset for dd having that said to her.

OP posts:
fishtankneedscleaning · 09/12/2010 00:44

Colditz I am not going to argue a point with you. Your child may be too big to fit in a supermarket trolley. Many are not. Your child may not want to wear a wrist strap, others don't mind. Your child may not be elibible for a suitably adapted wheelchair, others are.

You cannot base other people's experiences on your own DC. The OP stated her eldest had SN - therefore she should have expected problems if she allowed him to walk, or run around the store unaccompanied. She also stated there was a possibility of her youngest having SN. All the more reason why these two children should have been under constant supervision - if only for their own safety.

Therefore when someone tells off her children for pushing her the OP should, surely, have seen that the incident was possible. Instead of regaining control of her DC's the OP then verbally attacked the other woman. Shameful!

Goblinchild · 09/12/2010 00:46

It got better for us colditz, I've not had to manage him like that for years. Good thing too, he's 10" taller than me, weighs around 10 stone and is much stronger than me. Smile
I do still remind him to go round people and not through on occasion.

colditz · 09/12/2010 00:47

You cannot base your opinions on your foster children if I cannot base my opinions on my own children.

The thing about foster children is, if you cannot handle them, you can give them back.

and you haven't answered my genuine question. If you cannot get a child into a wrist strap (as you are insistant YOU CAN do) what then? What if they aren't eligable for a wheelchair? What then???

Goblinchild · 09/12/2010 00:50

drugs

swaddling bands for the fuller figure

a Hannibal Lecter-style trolly

cage on wheels

It's a marketing opportunity!

fishtankneedscleaning · 09/12/2010 00:52

Put them in a trolley or shop via the internet, if you cannot find a friend to babysit.

Start with babysteps. Take them out when it is quiet. Graudually introduce them to other people, noise and different situations.

Beleive me even with 7 year old children without SN I have taken them back to a time where they started to regress. Sometimes 7 year olds act like two year olds and there are very good reasons for this. Joe Public wouldn't begin to understand but when needs must you will find a way.

colditz · 09/12/2010 00:55

The internet is, indeed, a life saver, but not everything can be bought on the internet.

But the trolley idea is at the outer reaches of acceptable for a 7 year old (ds2, aged four, does not fit in a trolley, believe me I have tried) and Ds1 weighs 24 kilos, which is beyond the limit of the struggling, kicking, flailing weight I can lift.

fishtankneedscleaning · 09/12/2010 00:57

Goblin is that meant to be funny? I have a child in placement at the moment who has a hell of a lot more to deal with than ASD. But then you would know how to deal with him I have no doubt.

But getting back to the OP she IBVU.

colditz · 09/12/2010 01:01

Fishtank, what do you do when you can no longer lift them?

Ds1 hasn't had a meltdown since summer (thank the heavens above) but if he has another, I'm SCREWED. It's so bloody cold that if he does his usual of lying on the floor for 45 minutes, he'll have hypothermia. I cannot pick him up if he resists me in any way. What do i do?

TattytinsellooksDevine · 09/12/2010 01:02

I dont think the OP is evil crap mum of the year for having her children run off briefly - despite what anyone says, I think this could happen to any of us or has done when they are a certain age, special needs or not. It doesn't sound like they went far and she was right behind them, so for that happening, realistically, she was not being unreasonable. Its how you deal with it that matters.

For ripping into the woman, I think she was a bit unreasonable, particularly in the way she went about it. It sounded like quite a confrontation. A short sharp dissaproving retort may have actually been more effective.

I also feel the woman in the shop was unreasonable for what she said, but not necessarily unreasonable for saying something.

In my situation, if it had been me, however, whilst I wouldn't speak to my children like that, or anyone else's, if a woman in a shop who I was never likely to see again spoke to my child like that, I'd let them take the earful, and I'd follow it up with "wow - you really upset that lady. Lets go and apologise". It keeps you the better person, the other person, if they have over-reacted, would probably feel like a prize heel and the child may well be reeling from the super strong telling off but that's not always a bad thing.

I think the only time I'd rip into someone in front of my child is if they issued a personal insult about my child, like perhaps said something horrible about their appearance or something - but even then I think I'd keep it short and sharp.

OP, I think you have been hammered a bit on this thread, some of it has been harsh, but then again, I do think you had decided you were not unreasonable and were not expecting people to think you were. I think there was an element of unreasonableness about how you went about responding to this woman but it is understandable. I can't bring myself to say YABU but I can't quite say you are not either. So I'll give you a YASONBUBOTOHYSOA which is, of course, you are sort of not being unreasonable but on the other had you sort of are! Grin

fishtankneedscleaning · 09/12/2010 01:12

Colditz. I really appreciate your situation. It is defo not easy! TBH when I have had children who I cannot lift alone I do not take them out alone, unless they are in a wheelchair.

It is impossible to lift a child over the age of around 4 (approx) when they are in meltdown.

But to be fair the OP thread is not about the weight of her child. I responded to the info given. There is nothing to suggest the DC's were in meltdown, or difficult to handle, at any point.

Morloth · 09/12/2010 01:15

Well it is pretty rude and horrible to run into someone.

The times that DS1 has accidently bumped/run into someone (no SN but he is a 6yo) I have apologised profusely and not at all minded if the person has crossly told him off.

We can't have it both ways you know, if we want the whole 'takes a village to raise a child thing' and we want people to coo at our babies and watch all the kids in the vicinity to keep them safe etc then you have to take the bad with the good, sometimes the village is gonna yell.

For what its worth I can remember clearly the times that I caused adults hassle through silly behaviour as a kid and my Mum always backed up the adult. Now I am very aware of not barging into people and being considerate of those around me.

I agree on the reins idea. I used a backpack thingy with a leash attached for DS1 until he got it through his head that he needed to stay close.

frozenfeline · 09/12/2010 01:22

I was a recent witness to my friends son running and knocking an elderly lady of her feet in the supermarket. He is also autistic and only very young, but how is the poor bleeding lady supposed to know that! Maybe it was the same lady and she was scared of being hurt again? You don't know her situation anymore than she does yours! So Yes YABU. Maybe you both were! I'm sure it suits you best that she was out of order, but maybe you should keep a better eye on your children!?! Who knows.....

AitchTwoOh · 09/12/2010 01:51

i'd really like to know how it's smug not to think that attacking people verbally is cool...

fwiw i don't think it's unreasonable to let your kids run ahead of you in a supermarket, i don't think it's unreasonable of them, nt or otherwise, to bump into someone, nor do i think it is reasonable for them to yell at your kid using peculiarly Victorian language.

however, i definitely think that by 'really laying into this woman today' you behaved badly, worse than anyone else in this entire scenario, and i am surprised that you cannot/do not wish to see this, OP.

merrymouse · 09/12/2010 02:03

I think you had an emotional reaction to a woman being hostile towards your child. It wasn't the sensible thing to do, but I can see why you did it. Possibly better for your blood pressure if you could think of a calmer way to respond if a similar thing happens again.

Unfortunately supermarkets bring together children who find it difficult to act 'appropriately' in a supermarket, and adults who find their behaviour difficult. Not much you can do about it - both sets of people sometimes have to go to supermarkets to find food.

saffy85 · 09/12/2010 06:01

YABU imo. The lady didn't have to shout, no but she might have had a fright or been hurt. At the end of the day, you shouted right back and made a bigger scene than you needed too. I wonder if you told your own DC off about running around places they shouldn't after you told the lady off for shouting? If not you haven't taught your DC a very valuable lesson. It's ok to run around in shops and if I bump into anyone and they tell me off mum will step in and screech at them like a fishwife. Hmm

And four is old enough to know not to push btw.

ragged · 09/12/2010 06:10

YANBU.
Sorry you've had such a hard time, OP. It's not about telling her off for pushing, is it? It's about shouting and using nasty adjectives "rude" & "horrible". That's where the lady crossed the line.

I could have forgiven the shouting if it came from a frail person, but the nasty adjectives were never justified.

violethill · 09/12/2010 07:10

You are both being unreasonable. Calling a child horrible is unacceptable, but so is being pushed .

Also, if you are expecting other people to take into account your Childs SN, then you have to Work on the basis that other members of the public might also have particular needs, whether these are obvious or not. Eg what if your child had barged into another ASD child who could have been really scared? Or what if the Elderly woman had recently been the victim of a mugging where she was shoved from behind?

Also, by totally laying into the woman as though she is totally in the wrong, you are sending the message to your dd that you're tolerating unacceptable inconsiderate behaviour. A better example would be to have told the woman that it is not ok to call a child horrible, but to have apologised ( or got your dd to apologise) for the pushing

gorionine · 09/12/2010 07:23

I was going to say YANBU but after reading violethill, Yes there might have been a good reason as well to react as strongly as she did. I probably would have reacted jut like you though.

gumblossom · 09/12/2010 07:26

There was no need for that woman to speak to a four year old like that. I'm sure she wouldn't have if she'd known you were right behind them.

Shopping with children is not easy. Shops are not children friendly.

Why aren't people more tolerant?

I had a woman give my two year a hard time for playing with the pots and pans at the thrift store. Put a playpen in the corner, make the place child friendly instead of being rude to children.

izzybiz · 09/12/2010 07:34

YANBU.

I as an adult have accidently bumped into people before, I don't get called 'rude and horrible' OP said she would have apologised for her Dd had the other woman not spoken to her in that way.

Someone told my 2yo Ds to 'shut up' when he was crying in town Hmm I said 'excuse me?' and gave him a very pointed look, he said nothing back!

SkiingGardeningTwinklyBauble · 09/12/2010 07:35

The question was were you being unreasonable for really laying into her. Yes you were. She wasn't in the right either but your behaviour was just as bad.

Animation · 09/12/2010 07:35

OP - I would have been indignant too if an ADULT shouted and called my child "horrible".

Your maternal instincts were very normal - protective and fierce. Xmas Smile

AlpinePony · 09/12/2010 07:44

YABU - grow up and take responsibility for yourself (the way you speak to people) and your children (your pride and joy).

Animation · 09/12/2010 07:49

Good grief Alpine - telling someone to "grow up" then is hardly practicing what you preach. Xmas Hmm

AlpinePony · 09/12/2010 07:55

You don't need to surround yourself in flowers and sweetness and light to be fair. She was unfair and unreasonable. What do you want me to do? Write a fucking poem which rhymes with AIBU? Hmm

Anyway, as she's clearly not taking any of this on board I could've simply run my fingers along the top line of the keyboard - so it doesn't really matter anyway.