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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have really laid into this woman today?

447 replies

Avoidingargosthischristmas · 08/12/2010 23:10

Out shopping with dc today, in a shop when my kids disappear round the end of the aisle, I follow them within seconds only to hear someone shouting "be careful you rude, horrible little girl!" at my 4 year old dd, apparently she had pushed past this woman while trying to catch her brother. I said to the woman "are you talking to my daughter, because if you are how dare you speak to her like that, she is only four years old!". She replied "old enough to know not to push then". I then said "would you have spoken to her like that if you had seen an adult with her close by? Go on do it again, speak to my four year old daughter like that again right in front of me". She didn't.

Now just to give all the info, my ds has autism and my dd also shows some traits and we are starting the assessment process for her, I told the woman this and she just shrugged but did not say anything else.

Autistic or not though surely it is not acceptable to speak to a small child in this way? It all went quiet and everyone was looking at us but I don't regret speaking up, just felt so angry and upset for dd having that said to her.

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 08/12/2010 23:59

life skills, fishy Grin
don't let the man grind you down

mrsruffallo · 09/12/2010 00:00

yuck, I hate wrist straps/reigns

loka · 09/12/2010 00:01

sadly I dont have the choice

Original poster
Avoidingargosthischristmas · 09/12/2010 00:01

I would have apologised and called dd back to do so as well, of course. I really have to emphasise that kind of thing especially with ds as it doesnt occur to him to apologise because of his asd, often in a world of his own.

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 09/12/2010 00:02

auntyfash
He had reins when he was 4, but then I trained him like a sheepdog to go to specific places and locations and wait for the signal to be allowed to go to the next spot. Think of it like a stealth military operation. We used a lot of hand signals, backed with verbal cues.
He was also trained to recall. Grin
His specific sensory issues weren't ones that got in the way, I used to hold his wrist if he was being tricky. If he was in total meltdown and needed moving for his or other's safety, I'd bodywrap and move him.

colditz · 09/12/2010 00:03

So do I, it doesn't mean that they aren't safety essentials.

Yes, children are the responsibility of their parents at all times.

So you have this whirling dervish of a child, who is your sole responsibility 24/7. You flinch if the school phone. You sob after shopping trips. you don't bother eating until he's asleep. You are diagnosed with stress related hair loss - but that's ok, because you put in a special request for an Autistic child.

Oh no, wait a minute, there might have been a bit of a mix up ...

AitchTwoOh · 09/12/2010 00:03

why didn't you just APOLOGISE for your kid banging into her?

Goblinchild · 09/12/2010 00:05

Whatever I felt about reins, I hated the thought of a dead child more.

mrsruffallo · 09/12/2010 00:06

Sorry loka, skipping parts of posts, didn't mean to offend

colditz- well, this is it. Most people do control their children but some children and some circumstances test everyone's tolerance a little more.

SparkleSoiree · 09/12/2010 00:06

probably because as parents we don't reward bad behaviour from child or adult.

loka · 09/12/2010 00:07

same hear Goblin

BitOfFun · 09/12/2010 00:08

Have you never over-reacted out of being upset, and felt protective of your children, Aitch?

Like I say, I've not been in the situation that the OP describes, but it is crushing to hear your much-loved children being described as nasty etc when they often simply can't behave like NT children. I can understand why Argos unleashed her mother tiger, even if it wasn't the best response.

It's fucking hard to be perfect sometimes.

colditz · 09/12/2010 00:08

With Autism, it doesn't really matter whether or not you're rewarding the difficult behavior. Sometimes the child can't help it. CAN'T, not won't.

fishtankneedscleaning · 09/12/2010 00:09

Ah Now I get it! Everyone else has to suffer because some parents cannot control their own children!

Original poster
Avoidingargosthischristmas · 09/12/2010 00:10

After she screamed at her? Sorry but no, better people than me would have done I suppose but i didn't really feel like if after she spoke to my kid like that, couldn't really get a word in initially to be fair.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 09/12/2010 00:12

I can guarantee that you won't be suffering in the way that the parents of children with autism do, fishtank. Speaking as somebody who has been kicked in the head trying to dress her child for bed tonight. At aged ten.

But tut away. No place like a parenting site for a bit of compassion, eh?

AitchTwoOh · 09/12/2010 00:12

what a ridiculous thing to say, bof, i'm surprised at you. Hmm there is a HUGE difference between acting in a less than perfect manner and coming on to MN some hours later to boast about it. the OP is delighted at what she did, and wants us all to applaud.

IF i had responded in such a way (and no, i wouldn't have, actually, i would have said more along the lines of 'sorry for bumping into you but what a ludicrous over-reaction' and left it at that) i would have been far too ashamed to tell anyone about it.

cumfy · 09/12/2010 00:12

OP: I would have apologised and called dd back to do so as well, of course.

OK. But then, I'm not sure why you don't feel that it's six of one and half a dozen of the other [between the shopper and DD].

How little would a shopper have to say for you to feel that you'd just about let it go in the circumstances.

Sort of "oops careful their darling" or somesuch ?

ShanahansRevenge · 09/12/2010 00:13

I was once whacked on the bum by a boy of about 4 in the supermarket..this was pre-DC and tbh I wanted to shout at him.

I had a shock and couldn't work out who had touched me at first...maybe this woman had a similar reaction bt not as much self control?

I dont think the boy had AIMED for my behind..but was shoving past. Rude he was. I would never have shouted at him though...mind you his Mum was nearby and scary looking.

I dont think YABU...but a bit over the top.

Goblinchild · 09/12/2010 00:13

Did you bother reading the thread Fishtank? Colditz said

'You need wrist straps, OP.

I use them on my 7 year old ASD ADHD son, and my NT four year old. They do not leave my side if there is anyone else around.

You NEED to keep them at your side at all times. As your eldest gets bigger, if his behavior is unpredictable, you need to be thinking about everyone else's safety as well as your own children. All it takes is for him to give you the slip and ram a small child into the road'

How is that not giving her children the support thy need to be safe, and ensuring the safety of others?

colditz · 09/12/2010 00:13

"Ah Now I get it! Everyone else has to suffer because some parents cannot control their own children!"

What an absurd comment about children with special needs.

AitchTwoOh · 09/12/2010 00:13

x-post. that last to bof in response to the po-faced 'haven't you ever felt protective of your child?' i mean, what a daft thing to say. of course i have.

SparkleSoiree · 09/12/2010 00:13

Colditz just to clarify I was referring to the post that asked the OP why she just didn't apologise to the woman, not the OP and Autism.

If as an adult you are wronged and maintain the moral high ground then an apology probably would be forthcoming but to compound children's negative behaviour with nasty adult behaviour is worse in that the adult should be setting an example. So no apology would be forthcoming because the adult has set a bad example of behaviour themselves.

The days of children being being seen and not heard are a throwback from decades ago.

I hope this reads right, my ability to put coherent sentences together has gotten worse over recent months!!!

Original poster
Avoidingargosthischristmas · 09/12/2010 00:14

She bloody well knew as well because she froze when she saw me and looked mortified, obviously though she had to keep going to prove to herself and all the onlookers that she was right to shout at and call names a four year old.

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 09/12/2010 00:15

Maybe she froze because she thought you might be going to belt her.

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