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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have really laid into this woman today?

447 replies

Avoidingargosthischristmas · 08/12/2010 23:10

Out shopping with dc today, in a shop when my kids disappear round the end of the aisle, I follow them within seconds only to hear someone shouting "be careful you rude, horrible little girl!" at my 4 year old dd, apparently she had pushed past this woman while trying to catch her brother. I said to the woman "are you talking to my daughter, because if you are how dare you speak to her like that, she is only four years old!". She replied "old enough to know not to push then". I then said "would you have spoken to her like that if you had seen an adult with her close by? Go on do it again, speak to my four year old daughter like that again right in front of me". She didn't.

Now just to give all the info, my ds has autism and my dd also shows some traits and we are starting the assessment process for her, I told the woman this and she just shrugged but did not say anything else.

Autistic or not though surely it is not acceptable to speak to a small child in this way? It all went quiet and everyone was looking at us but I don't regret speaking up, just felt so angry and upset for dd having that said to her.

OP posts:
independiente · 09/12/2010 20:27

Sounds as if the woman reacted without thinking when suddenly pushed into by a child (possibly two children?). Then you reacted without thinking when you heard your DD called 'rude' and 'horrible'. The reason she didn't repeat what she said to your DD when you (rather aggressively) asked her to, was because by then the heat of the moment had gone. The heat of the moment should have passed for you too, enough to say 'look, I'm sorry she bumped into you, but please don't call my child horrible - she's not' - but you continued to 'lay into' her, then told her about the children's SNs. I can't see that at any point you a) asked her what actually happened or b) apologised from your side of things.
So, YABU in answer to the actual question.

JimmyChooChoo · 09/12/2010 20:49

OP you obviously think you were being reasonable looking at this thread.So why post in the first place?
I think you wanted people to say 'well done you'.Well you're hardly setting a good example to your dc are you?

CatIsSleepy · 09/12/2010 20:54

internet shopping

job done

PressureDrop · 09/12/2010 20:59

Woman was a mad, rude bint. No excuse for ADULTS to behave like that.

OP - I feel your pain. My DS has ASD and doesn't always behave appropriately in public places (nothing major, but can be a bit hyper and make sudden, jerky movements). I have had to bite my lip many times over the disgraceful way some ADULTS have behaved towards him (he is 5 yrs old).

Next time, though, take the moral high ground. It feels so much better NOT to snap and say something rude back, but simply to give a withering look and walk away, head held high, perhaps muttering to the DC about some GROWN UPS just not knowing how to behave in public.

StayFrosty · 09/12/2010 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dementedma · 09/12/2010 21:30

This reminds me of once I had nipped into Tesco's in my lunch time and was rushing to get a few things in the time allowed (nasty working mum here).
A small child shot into my path and I swiftly steered round her and carried on without stopping to say anything like "ooops, watch where you're going sweetie",
The mother hove into view saying very loudly "come here darling. That lady is obviously in too much of a hurry to look out for little people"
WTF?? Take your kids to a play centre if you want to let them run around!!!

ClaireDeLoon · 09/12/2010 21:36

dementedma makes me think of a time when I was shopping and only had a basket and a child about 6 I would say ran into me and very nearly bashed her head on the basket. I said 'careful' (in a normal voice not shouty or mean) because she could have had a nasty cut etc. And the father hunted me down with a crying child saying 'that lady' and accused me of swearing at his child. Err no, but hey don't let the facts get in the way of you having a screaming rant at someone in the supermarket.

I also do my grocery shopping online now.

Mumcentreplus · 09/12/2010 21:44

You could have handled it better...

Shelly32 · 10/12/2010 00:39

Kids making too much noise can cause a grumpy individual to throw an evil look/comment...let alone a push. I sympathise but agree that ur kids probably shouldn't be running wild, pushing into people...i was on a child reign until about 25...(joke!) YOU can't always control your children but there are things that can be done to minimise disruption to others...don't ask me what but the self-righteous dons on here will no doubt tell u what!!

mylovelymonster · 10/12/2010 01:17

I don't think you were being unreasonable to challenge her after what she said to your daughter. Children do not always behave quietly/respectfully/calmly, autism or not, and we have to accept that. Some people are just child-phobic. A calmer 'do be careful' if the lady was surprised/bumped would have been enough. Calling an unknown child rude & horrible is just not on.

Please don't tie up your children - unless strictly for reasons of safety.

FanjoForTheMincePies · 10/12/2010 03:34

IMO the crux of the matter is the woman was totally out of order to call a 4 year old 'horrible' Fair enough to ask her not to push but I don't blame the OP for getting angry.

My DD has SN, is 4 but acts less than 2 with little awareness of others, I normally hang onto her when waiting to go into nursery but once she got away and pushed past a mum, who said 'excuse me' in a narky manner. i apologised for DD but it really hurt as I knew DD was being judged as a 4 year old, when she didn't have the abilities of one. had the mum called her rude and horrible I fear I would have lashed out verbally too.

FanjoForTheMincePies · 10/12/2010 03:37

a man once said 'shut up child' to my DD when she was being mildly whingy, I said 'that is a very rude man DD' and burst into tears on the bus, not my finest moment but just coping with DD and his lack of understanding really was too much, please go easy on the OP.

ModreB · 10/12/2010 08:15

YAB a bit U. It is absolutely not acceptable to allow your DC's to run round in the supermarket. And, I confess that I have been known to tell off DC's that have run into me, pushed me, bashed me with trollies etc.

And for those of you who say "How do you stop them running around" - well there is such a thing as discipline. Who is the adult in these relationships? And BTW - I also have a DS with ASD.

BUT YANBU if she did speak to your DD in the terms that you describe. That is even more unacceptable IMO.

FanjoForTheMincePies · 10/12/2010 08:19

ModreB , with all due respect, there are different degrees of ASD, so it's not that helpful to talk of 'discipline' - my DD relates very little and so discipline is virtually i possible and have to go down the 'hanging onto her for dear life/restraining her' route, and sometimes she gets away!

Original poster
Avoidingargosthischristmas · 10/12/2010 08:55

THEY WERE NOT RUNNING ROUND!!! Fgs READ my posts!!

Fanjo you have got it bang on especially the bit about asd kids operating at average two years younger than they actually are. Thanks for your understanding.

Obviously many posters think I was wrong to get heated but many of you seem to think that on the basis that my kids were behaving badly, which they just were not.

A separate issue now raised by the responses on this thread is the shocking lack of understanding or allowances made for disabled kids, with "non visible" disabilities, but then I am not surprised as I have seen this many times before on MN.

That woman shouted at my dd on the basis of her being age 4 and at that age should know better but she is not operating at that age and while the woman could not be expected to know that you lot DO and make no allowances, I can see that from all the posts going on about kids being rude, pushing, running amok and so on.

You are in the main agreed that IWBU to get heated but I think the obvious intolerance displayed on this thread for asd kids is by far a scarier and sadder thing.

OP posts:
mistletoekisses · 10/12/2010 09:06

OP. YABU and YANBU.

Look, people who don't know you or your DD are not going to know your personal circumstances and make allowances. It is that time of year when everyone is starting to get stressy and whilst I dont think the womans behaviour is acceptable, I dont think your response is either TBH.

If you want to teach your DC's what is acceptable behaviour in these situations then you should amend your response accordingly.

I had this situation at DS's nursery when another parent made a completely inappropriate comment in front of the kids. I was the only other parent there, the nursery staff were stunned and I saw red. I didnt lay into her however, I very calmly and firmly stated that I felt her words were highly inappropriate and she should think before she speaks in the future. I then explained to my DS that what she had said wasnt right, she had been rude and it wasnt acceptable behaviour. If I had laid into her, what message would I have been sending out?

nappyaddict · 10/12/2010 09:23

Your child shouldn't have pushed but I would never call a child horrible.

Had she been a bit older (say 6 or 7) I might have thought that child's a bit rude they should know not to push and I might say "Don't push, it's rude" But any younger than that I wouldn't think anything apart from they weren't looking where they were going. In fact I might say something like "Be careful sweetie, look where you going."

However I make my 4 year old sit in the trolley or have reins on cos he can't be trusted to not run off.

SantasMooningArse · 10/12/2010 09:25

Argos is she is operating at teh two year old level then I seriosuly would suggest a look at the crelling website; ds3 had their waist belt and I know many chidlren who benefit from it.

nappyaddict · 10/12/2010 09:27

I presumed from your wording "trying to catch her brother" that either one or both of them were running. Is this not the case?

Original poster
Avoidingargosthischristmas · 10/12/2010 09:57

They were not running while I saw them but he is a lot bigger than her so she would have been trying to catch up I should think. Ds was definitely NOT running, basically he went round the corner and I assume she sped up to catch up with him and bumped into this woman. It could have been me accidentally bumping into this woman but my point is it is doubtful she would have screamed at me that I was rude and horrible. At NO point were my kids out of control, they were out of my sight for four seconds max because I stopped to pick something up.

OP posts:
FanjoForTheMincePies · 10/12/2010 10:04

err it's not a criminal trial, why the cross examination?

NordicPrincess · 10/12/2010 10:05

oh ffs you have never had children run off in the super market? wow you must be the ONLY person to have not experienced that.

yanbu

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 10/12/2010 10:10

It's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. The fact is she doesn't understand your circumstances and you have no idea of hers.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 10/12/2010 10:11

It's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. The fact is she doesn't understand your circumstances and you have no idea of hers.

MarniesMummy · 10/12/2010 10:23

I read all of this thread when it was at about 100 posts long and upon seeing it so long now felt I should post (though I haven't read the additional 300 posts).

I think your title says it all, should you have really laid into this woman.

Probably not. Whatever your particular extenuating circumstances are you probably overdid it, hence your choice of "really laid into" and it sounds like you know it.

However, we all meet know-it-alls in life and sometimes (whether we should or not) we overreact a bit.
At the end of the day an adult was shouting at a child. (Bad, bad, bad!) You reacted by shouting back (Not so good either in terms of modelling behaviour to your children), but I think I might just have done the same depending on the precise circumstances.

Get over it.
This woman was shouting at a child. She doesn't deserve to cause you to be sweating over it.

You had a moment, we all do from time to time. Don't lose anymore thinking time.

i.e. YANBU!!
I have spoken!Grin