To have really laid into this woman today?

[Avoidingargosthischristmas]

Out shopping with dc today, in a shop when my kids disappear round the end of the aisle, I follow them within seconds only to hear someone shouting "be careful you rude, horrible little girl!" at my 4 year old dd, apparently she had pushed past this woman while trying to catch her brother. I said to the woman "are you talking to my daughter, because if you are how dare you speak to her like that, she is only four years old!". She replied "old enough to know not to push then". I then said "would you have spoken to her like that if you had seen an adult with her close by? Go on do it again, speak to my four year old daughter like that again right in front of me". She didn't.

Now just to give all the info, my ds has autism and my dd also shows some traits and we are starting the assessment process for her, I told the woman this and she just shrugged but did not say anything else.

Autistic or not though surely it is not acceptable to speak to a small child in this way? It all went quiet and everyone was looking at us but I don't regret speaking up, just felt so angry and upset for dd having that said to her.

Avoiding - I'm just being a bit tongue in cheek because there's a bit of nick picking going on.

You done did good - I wish you'd been my mum!

Awww thank you Animation. I think as long as a few people think I did the right thing then I deal with the rest.

The lady was def unreasonable she shouldnt have reacted the way she did. However i also think you were unreasonable and did not set a very good example for your children. I dont think you should have said nothing but a more dignified " please do not speak to my DD that way, there realy is no need for that".

Op how would your DS know that your DD only bumped into the lady if your DD was trying to catch up with him esp if he was infront of your DD? i do think the lady is the better one to judge considering she was on the receiving end of the push/bump. Still agree she behaved badly though regardless.

I also agree with the others that have asked why infact you posted if it wasnt to boast because it is clear that you are not prepared to accept that YWBU and could have handled the situation better even though quite a few say that you were and could have.

I it had been a general consensus that IWBU based ON MY POSTS, rather then inaccurate assumptions and general Making Things Up by other posters - I have quoted most of them already so won't do so again, then I would be prepared to concede I was being unreasonable but a lot of the things that were said just did not happen so I wasn't getting fair opinions imvho.

Agree with Ray81. Woman was out of order to speak like that to your dd, but I would not have replied in the way you did. You sound a little bit of a bully saying "go on do it again".

So I suppose overall yabu to have laid into someone.

Anyway have spent too much time on this already today, am now going to do some baking with dd and then take my kids to Asda, it is always very crowded there so we will be able to practice our bumping/pushing techniques quite nicely . Thanks for all responses and opinions.

If (and it is an IF) you have a child who will walk off, out of a shop, down the highstreet and hop onto a bus (because buses are fun) whilst SIMULTANEOUSLY having a child who will run off and taunt you, you use wrist straps or reins. And you generally refer to them as "Essential safety measures" rather than "Cruel and humiliating methods of torturing tiny vulnerable children"

I hadn't realised the point of posting on AIBU was to assume you were reasonable and ignore all who said you were unreasonable.
OP, as you were/are clearly of the opinion that you were right, why did you bother to post?

Quite. I hope I don't meet the OP in Asda. Take cover!!!!

Thank you colditz, have been following this thread, thinking it was getting a little bit over heated, when some points were made about wrist straps or reins, and now bloody fuming!!!!

My DS, gorgeous tho he is, is a blinking danger on the street, I have been terrified about taking him out as he is so strong and has pulled me over when he makes up his mind to run after a bus, car etc.... So he wears a very sweet backpack in with pockets to put his little bits in, but has a strap so that i can make sure that he is safe! seeing some of the comments early really pee`d me off. my son has reins, cos I love him and want to keep him safe.

So why are people posting about them as tho they are cruel? dont get it!

Completely agree with harecare.

Don't know why OP bothered to post either

Hope your shopping trip goes well..will be avoiding asda today

Goodness me! Now a woman who has made one (unecessary, as everyone agrees) comment towards a child on one occasion is a bully and people who use wrist straps or harnesses to keep their DC under control or for their own safety are 'tying them up' or 'shackleing' them.

Whatever the woman said to the little girl, there was absolutely no need to speak to her in that way. I know people who would have done similar and would always stick up for their little darlings and their DC are not pleasant to be around. I don't think whether the OP swore or not is an issue and I think in fact, what she did say was probably worse than swearing as it is threatening.

Also, the SN are irrelevant here, surely? Not least as according to the OP her DC weren't doing anything wrong?

tbh i think this post best explains the OP's motivation. "Why don't you respond to what I said about you "liking" other adults telling your kids off, I am interested to hear how you justify that and how you think it might make your dc feel? Because frankly I am mystified and saddened by that. Mainly because my own Mum was the same and I never told her anything, leading to me being bullied repeatedly for two years by a school teacher while at boarding school. I knew I was on my own, pretty sad for an 8 year old."

that is totally sad, miserably so, and i am sorry that was your experience. however i do like it when other adults step in to tell my kids off, personally, because it teaches them consideration and regard for other members of the community. (and sometimes, as in this instance, it will teach them that not all adults are as reasonable as the ones who surround them, something which could be discussed later.)

as i have repeatedly said, i would have remonstrated with this woman wrt to her over-reaction, but i would nevertheless have responded to the incident with an apology. i think that adequately passes on the message to children that manners are important on both sides. as for my children speaking to me... i have difficulty getting them to shush for a second, tbh. i am sorry, however, that your mother did not tread this line more finely for you and therefore understand your own (imo over)reaction in this instance. enjoy asda.

Lady sounds awful, no way to speak to an unattended 4yr old and you were quite right to challenge her but two wrongs don't make a right. You stated that you 'really laid into' the woman, what a bad example for your children.

tying up unwilling children simply on the off chance of their bumping into an adult is ridiculous and a massive overreaction, similar that to that of a grown woman abusing a four year old child. If your children are at risk of running under a bus, it is, as I clearly stated, a different matter. And yes, it is obviously bullying if you are happy to be abusive to someone simply because they are smaller and more vulnerable than you are. I note she wasn't so keen to repeat her words to an adult. Very telling. I would certainly apologise for my children and ask them to apologise if I heard someone saying 'slowly sweetheart, don't push', and in the circs outlined, I would, after dealing with the woman, tell my children not to run and be careful not to bump into people, but by being so incredibly rude and aggressive that woman forfeited her right to an apology. I hope you feel better OP. You did the right thing and you can now leave the thread - ta da!

YANBU!!!!! I would have done the same. What mum wouldn't defend their child if someone had spoken to their child in that way. Autistic or not. I think it is a disgusting thing to say to a small child.

Oh and also, after reading some of these posts. First of all some children won't wear wrist straps. I definately know that my DS wouldn't. He hated them even when he was 2.
Second, whether children are autistic or not, shopping with children is stressful anyway, especially at this time of year so OP you can be excused for reacting the way you did. Perhaps you were feeling a little stressed and flustered, after all your child had run off and you heard this nasty comment. Obviously in such a situation not many people would be so cool,calm and collected to come up with some appropriate, 'diginified' response as so helpfully suggested by some posters here. Goodness me, which one of us in that situation would have the presense of mind to do that. The way some people are going on you'd think that they had never once in their life been flustered and slightly stressed!

As for malicious people spitefully saying they hope they don't meet the OP at the shops, well, unless you are the kind of nutter who goes around calling small children names, then I'd guess you are safe. If, however, you do plan to start shouting at random toddlers in the baked bean aisle, then I think you should brace yourself for some rather more robust responses from other people than the OP's measured talking-to. In fact, in my local supermarket, it might be wise to adopt some kind of body armour and a crash helmet, and not bring your best car .

But, and I hesitate to ask this is all so hysterical now, why did the child need to be defended? At least in the style of ranty shouting at stranger manner?

Do we era.ly need to defend ourselves because a stranger is a rude twit? Why?

If the woman had been physical or had frightened the child, had been intimidating or threatening, then that requires some defence.

But I genuinely don't understand what is to be achieved by confronting a stranger who was rude.
Surely all you are doing is exaggerating the event immensely.

I think you have the chance to teach a child to be a person who rolls their eyes, says sheesh and moves on. Or a person who shrieks ' but that isn't fair, you are bullying me ...someone must stick up for me'

I love hyperbole as much as the next guy but a child does not need to be defended from a grumpy woman calling her rude.

And what kind of a lesson is it if the next person who calls the child a name is a 6 ft slightly drunk bloke looking for a fight. Do we have to square up to him to for fear of damaging her psyche ?

Tell your child the woman was rude, even tell the woman she was rude and inappropriate but carrying on in a supermarket teaches nothing helpful

OMG!!!!!! Can't believe some the reponses on here, blimey you lot are SO HOLIER THAN THOUGH!!! honestly, REALLY have you guys never never in your lives said something a bit inappropriate because you were in an ever so slightly stressful situation?!! And the woman was being horrible. Honestly you lot, you know who you are, are being spiteful. You all sound like Daily Mail readers. I agree with Nickiename, it is spiteful and malicious

This woman was pushed by the kid, she didn't call her names she called her a horrible rude little girl (which she was at that time) - my DCs would never dream of shoving their way past an adult in a supermarket at 4 years old.
the mother's first priority should have been to 1 apologise for her DDs behaviour 2 Discipline her DD
instead of casting round for somebody else to blame.
JK fodder!!

I also don't mind others chastising my children, but NOT calling them names

Sorry meant HOLIER THAN THOU !!

Mumsgotatum

Of course we have all even frazzled. And often we do retort or react. But afterwards I tend to regret it a bit and wish I had handled it better.
I can u derstand why I did it but I don't regard it as ideal and try and justify it.

Too many pages to read through, at first reading your story I would have said you weren't unreasonable to protect your child from verbal insult. However this woman however old could be ill, suffering some physical pain and being shoved both frightened and hurt her. She may not have expressed it very well. I think in the heat of the moment she said "horrible" and you said "dare you to say it again"

could have been worse, you didn't come to blows, you didn't call her a cunt but I can understand why you feel upset.