To have really laid into this woman today?

[Avoidingargosthischristmas]

Out shopping with dc today, in a shop when my kids disappear round the end of the aisle, I follow them within seconds only to hear someone shouting "be careful you rude, horrible little girl!" at my 4 year old dd, apparently she had pushed past this woman while trying to catch her brother. I said to the woman "are you talking to my daughter, because if you are how dare you speak to her like that, she is only four years old!". She replied "old enough to know not to push then". I then said "would you have spoken to her like that if you had seen an adult with her close by? Go on do it again, speak to my four year old daughter like that again right in front of me". She didn't.

Now just to give all the info, my ds has autism and my dd also shows some traits and we are starting the assessment process for her, I told the woman this and she just shrugged but did not say anything else.

Autistic or not though surely it is not acceptable to speak to a small child in this way? It all went quiet and everyone was looking at us but I don't regret speaking up, just felt so angry and upset for dd having that said to her.

Where do I say I am "proud of it", I think I have said I don't regret it and I don't. Please stop misquoting me and basically MAKING STUFF UP!

"Boasting"? No. People often post in AIBU unreasonable about this kind of thing.

Why don't you respond to what I said about you "liking" other adults telling your kids off, I am interested to hear how you justify that and how you think it might make your dc feel? Because frankly I am mystified and saddened by that. Mainly because my own Mum was the same and I never told her anything, leading to me being bullied repeatedly for two years by a school teacher while at boarding school. I knew I was on my own, pretty sad for an 8 year old.

Thanks Nickiename I am struggling to find these Big Changes to my story as well. Maybe, just maybe that is how it happened and that is why I posted as I was so outraged by the incident.

Aitch, the OP actually contains a word for word account of the conversation with the rude, bullying woman, which is an assertive and reasonable challenge to very provocative behaviour. Hurrah for you, OP.
I am not going to tie up my nine year old so that adults don't ever get brushed past by him. As I say, adults jostle and bump into each other all the time. If you accidentally bumped into someone in a crowded space, would you think it was OK for them to call you 'rude and horrible?'. If not, why is it OK to do it to a very tiny little child who could not possibly harm you? That's just bullying.

Sounds like a decidedly unedifying spectacle all round. Just reminds me why I shop online. Kids running about, people shouting at kids (whether other peoples or their own), people shouting at other adults (total strangers or their partners)... Supermarkets are dreadful places. I shall give my Tesco Online man a bigger tip today for my gratitude that he's saved me from witnessing man's inhumanity to man being played out in the frozen foods aisle.

the OP may not feel her children were unsupervised & they probably weren't, but to the person who has been pushed, there was no obvious supervision going on at the time the kids ran passed and the daughter pushed her - so it wouldn't be unreasonable to assume at the time that they were unsupervised from that point of view.

Oops, apostrophe error

Sorry Aitch, that was picky and tbh I don't really care either.
I would have taken the moral high ground and asked her politely what had happened but I wouldn't lay into someone and ask them to repeat it.
I do think that OP is finding shopping with kids very stressful. I do too, with my LO anyway, so I tend to arrange my shopping trips when he is at school/ dh is home/ at friends house

No YANBU. You didn't 'lay into her' you told her the facts and that she was being unreasonable and rude. You didn't swear.

It does my heart good to see bullies challenged, especially when done like this, assertively, without swearing or personal abuse or shouting. I hope the bully will think twice about saying mean and hurtful things to tiny children in future.

It is annoying when children are running around the supermarket screaming like they're in a playground (not saying this is what the OPs children were doing but it does happen a lot and this incident might have been the last straw for the lady). It's obviously an extra challenge when the child has something like autism, but surely most children can be starting to learn about different behaviours being appropriate for different situations, and that pushing people is not acceptable, and that if you accidentally bump into someone, you should apologise.

The woman's reaction does seem a bit over the top and nasty though, there was no need to call the child horrible for displaying fairly normal child behaviour! She could have just said 'be careful please'.

My dear little boy would find it intolerable and humiliating to be tied up and shackled for a trip to the shop. He has poor spatial awareness and can get lost in his thoughts so will sometimes brush against someone, touch them or accidentally bump into them, I can tell you, if someone started shouting insults at him I would really, truly struggle to be as polite and reasonable as the OP. I salute her. To be honest, the other day I stepped back and walked into someone. I do not think this gives them the right to call me names, and the same goes for children. THey are people too.

If my child is likely to step intop the road, or accidentally barge someone else into the road, he wears the wrist strap. Humiliation is a poor runner up to an RTA resulting in the death of a child.

As I and a few others have said- if an adult bumps into you or pushes you, accidentally or not, if you then said "you rude and horrible person" to them what would you expect to happen?

Would you expect profuse apologies, a mumbled sorry, a "hey it was an accident"? Or "oi who are you calling rude and horrible" - all those who are saying the OP was out of order, do you treat adults and children the same? Do you not offer the same "oh just leave it" or "was that an accident" response to the child as you would to an adult?

If an adult had bumped into woman in supermarket and she'd responded in the same way - would that be OK, and would anyone be surprised if an argument ensued?

My son doesn't run into the road. He just ambles about in his own world, or at worst, makes funny noises and flaps his arms. There's no evidence the OP's child would, and anyway she was in a shop, not by the road. I wouldn't humiliate him and restrain him just on the offchance he might bump into someone.

Actually, I'm astonished that people are so keen to tie kids up for such a trivial reason. If your child is really likely to run under a bus it's a totally different matter of course, and needs must.

tbh i am not on the Op sdide or the side of the woman iyswim.

i used to dread anyone knocking into dh and would walk on his left side at all times when out and about. this is why

it could've been the last straw for the woman in question at the end of a v v shitty day.

and the same for the OP, the way it was handled wasnt ideal, but again it could've been at the end of a v v shitty day for her.

OP - YANBU. Totally unreasonable for that woman to talk to children in that way

I'm 7 months pregnant (with back pain) and was roughly shoved out for the way in a camping shop last week. The boy in qustion looked about 4 or 5 years old and I so wish I'd said something to him or his mother. Ithink it's best to be polite and firm though.

MESNS if someone bumped into me we'd probably both say sorry.

If someone PUSHED PASSED me, and didn't say excuse me or sorry, I'd probably say "excuse me how bloody rude" depending on my mood at the time. Pushing passed someone isn't an accident - it's a deliberate act and it is a bit rude, though a 4 year old may not realise in her excitement. Still it's not outrageous to call her on it.

No one is defending the shouty woman here anyway, in fact most people have said she was probably out of order. Anyway the OP clearly says this lady was pushed, not accidentally bumped into.

sorry MRSNS

SkyBluePearl, I would have wanted you to say something to me and would have been mortified, apologised and would also have explained why dd might have pushed past you without noticing (ie asd). I like to have the chance to explain why my dc are like they are rather than people just assuming they are "rude, horrible" children.

Btw I had horrific back pain with ds, couldn't walk 20 yards without having to sit down, poor you.

FindingAManger

Was she pushed or bumped - you decide??

No, the woman told me she was pushed, ds said dd bumped. So can't really be sure.

Of course YANBU. How unkind and rude.