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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not tell my friend what her fiance got up to on his stag weekend?

643 replies

BottleOfRum · 01/12/2010 11:38

Best friend is getting married to her partner of 5years. Have always thought they made a lovely couple.

DH, and a number of other mutual male friends went on the stag weekend. DH came home and said that the best man had organised strippers to turn up to the hotel room, and they hancuffed the groom-to-be to the bed, and one of the strippers gave groom-to-be a blow job.

I am absolutely disgusted by this. Mostly disgusted by the behaviour of the best man, who organised it, but also with all the men present, who must have been instrumental in handcuffing their friend to the bed. I can't believe how disrespectful it is to my friend who is getting married to him.

Now, since the groom-to-be was tied up, I don't blame him as much as the others - there is not much he could do apart from protest I would imagine.

If you knew this information, would you tell your best friend? My first thought was that its none of my business, and I wont mention it, but its been playing on my mind since, and I can imagine how hurt she would be with me if she knew I knew and didn't tell her.

OP posts:
fruitstick · 01/12/2010 12:34

Really difficult. A similar thing happened to my best friend's husband on their stag night - but it was his Dad that organised the strippers Shock. DH told me but I think quite a while after their wedding (they've been married for 10 years now).

However, DH also said that the groom would agree to no more than a bit of a lap dance. Blow job is absolutely out of the question and hideous.

But what to do in your situation. I hate the idea of 'what goes on tour, stays on tour' but I do think that grooms on stag dos can behave completely out of character. It might be that the groom is lying to his mates, that nothing happened but he didn't want to lose face or his mates waste their money Hmm. Unlikely, but an option.

I would be furious with DH for telling me something like that. Basically he is trying to clear his own conscience but sharing the burden with you, putting you in an impossible position. I'm presuming he didn't refuse to tie him up out of respect for his wife.

Shame on the lot of them. Is the best friend married? I would be more inclined to tell the best friend's wife to be honest (or at least threaten him with it)

LeQueen · 01/12/2010 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChickensHaveNoMercyForTurkeys · 01/12/2010 12:35

I would. I think anyone entering in to a legal contract has the right to all the facts before signing their name quite frankly. Otherwise it's deception, and that is deeply shit.

RealityVom · 01/12/2010 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

booyhohoho · 01/12/2010 12:35

randyrussian. tehy would get the same response from me. male or female. stop trying to turn this into a sexist thing.

SkyBluePearl · 01/12/2010 12:36

I'd tell your DH that you are going to tell the bride next weekend cos she is your close friend and you are not prepared to keep such a secret. your DH can then talk to the groom who has a bit of time first to tell bride.

ChickensHaveNoMercyForTurkeys · 01/12/2010 12:36

Argh, many cross posts. Was responding to the 'if the sexes were reversed would you be rushing to tell the groom' thing.

pinkdelight · 01/12/2010 12:37

Please stop thinking that it would you who ruins their marriage. HE did it. He had a choice and he patently made the wrong call. You're not doing anything wrong by telling - you are being a good friend and being honest. I would absolutely tell my friend and wouldn't go to the GTB first. If he's such a liar, he'd clearly lie his way out of it and make you the villain.

spidookly · 01/12/2010 12:37

But still I keep coming back to the consent thing - this guy was tied up against his will when this all happened.

That makes me very uncomfortable. If the bravado this is true, then it's possible that he's very mixed up and disturbed by what happened that night.

Either way I think his fiancee needs to know.

Sidge · 01/12/2010 12:37

How do you know she doesn't already know?

momentsintime · 01/12/2010 12:40

Your DH shouldn't have told you. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas...

Keep out of it. Do not tell her. She doesn't want to know, he doesn't want her to know and was an idiot for telling anyone. It doesn't mean he's a bad bloke or will be unfaithful.

She'll forgive him, marry him, hate you. Not a nice situation but it's not really that big a deal... bet they were all p*ssed too. Stuff happens.

anastaisia · 01/12/2010 12:40

RandyRussian

I'd think exactly the same if a woman had cheated on her partner before the wedding.

The cheated on person is an adult. They may feel crap at first after finding out - but they don't need 'protecting' from factual information so they can have a lovely wedding day and a wonderful relationship with their spouse. If the relationship is worth saving they'll make the adult decision to sort it out together with both of them in possession of the facts. Not with one of them being treated as a child and having their choices removed from them by the behaviour of the spouse and 'friends'.

TinselinaBumSquash · 01/12/2010 12:40

The GTB should of said no, i hate all this 'last night of freedom' bollocks, loads of people think its fair game to act like nobs on a stag/hen night and grop strippes and indulge in other sexual acts.

Its bullshit, if i was the bride i would want to be told so i could ditch the fuckbag.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 01/12/2010 12:41

I am a lone voice I think - but say nothing. You don't know whether they have discussed it, and it is something that should be between them. You don't have the right or responsibility to inform her. Maybe...discuss with him?

MummyBerryJuice · 01/12/2010 12:41

FwIW OP, I would tell because it s the right thing to do BUT I would also be prepare for the fact that she'll take her anger and disappointment out on you. The only solace for you will be that you won't spend the next few year wracked with guilt!

maktaitai · 01/12/2010 12:42

I think frankly that your dh should get the groom to come round, and fess up that he has told you and that you are this far away from telling the bride. That way your dh doesn't get a free pass on this, and he might think twice the next time some twat suggests this.

Then if the groom lied about it all, he has to tell you and his mate that. If he was in fact raped, he gets to talk to a male friend first, which I think is appropriate, and dh should perhaps be prepared to get him to contact a support line/group.

And if the women in question didn't use dental dams, which sounds quite possible, your dh should tell him in no uncertain terms to get himself checked out, or the bride's first information on this may be from the doctor at the GUM clinic. How does he feel about that one?

Itsjustafleshwound · 01/12/2010 12:42

I just don't think the OP has a foot to stand on - it is just 'tittletale' and regurgitation of what her DH wanted her to know(and there is evidence that what he told her is right)...

I think all actions in this sordid little episode is repulsive and just left alone.

If OP is called up about not mentioning it sooner, she could just say that DH said something to her about it, but she put it down to him wanted to clear his conscience and dismissed what he said ....

PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 01/12/2010 12:43

I really hope all those with teen sons are bringing them up with more respect for their GFs than this - scares the pants off me that my girls might end up meeting a creep like these

If it had happened to one of their GFs/wives, they would be callng it rape - or dumping her as a slag if she had willingly gone ahead with it

gross and sad, very sad.

momentsintime · 01/12/2010 12:43

Keep your nose out of their relantionship. Your DH shouldn't have put this on you. weasel.

booyhohoho · 01/12/2010 12:43

momentsintime. how the hell do you know that the bride to be doesn't want to know?? where does that logic come from? i most certainly would want to know.

spidookly · 01/12/2010 12:44

I don't get the "she'll take it out on you" thing.

Really?

If a friend gives you the heads up that you're about to ruin your life by marrying a worthless knobhead, your reaction is to be angry with HER?

I'd be so grateful.

Itsjustafleshwound · 01/12/2010 12:44

If you start making a big issue out of this incident, especially if it is close to the wedding, you could be charged with the more serious crime of wanting to be a drama-queen and detract from your friend's big day ...

RandyRussian · 01/12/2010 12:45

booyhohoho Wed 01-Dec-10 12:35:56
randyrussian. tehy would get the same response from me. male or female. stop trying to turn this into a sexist thing.

Not actually trying to do that. Just articulating a point of view which often occurs to me as a relative newcomer on this site.

MummyBerryJuice · 01/12/2010 12:46

Why discuss it with him? Does the OP's loyalties lie with her friend or the- cheating scumbag-- GTB? If anything, I'd suggest you discuss it with your DH, BottleOfRum. Tell him you are compelled to tell your friend what happened. Ask him whether he thinks that the GTBmay have lied about what happened.

Chandon · 01/12/2010 12:46

Time for some non emotional practical advice Wink

I think your DH should tell his mate that he spilled the beans, and that you know. He should also tell this guy that you are likely to tell tell the bride.

That way, he might decide to fess up himself.

And you stay out of it.