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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not tell my friend what her fiance got up to on his stag weekend?

643 replies

BottleOfRum · 01/12/2010 11:38

Best friend is getting married to her partner of 5years. Have always thought they made a lovely couple.

DH, and a number of other mutual male friends went on the stag weekend. DH came home and said that the best man had organised strippers to turn up to the hotel room, and they hancuffed the groom-to-be to the bed, and one of the strippers gave groom-to-be a blow job.

I am absolutely disgusted by this. Mostly disgusted by the behaviour of the best man, who organised it, but also with all the men present, who must have been instrumental in handcuffing their friend to the bed. I can't believe how disrespectful it is to my friend who is getting married to him.

Now, since the groom-to-be was tied up, I don't blame him as much as the others - there is not much he could do apart from protest I would imagine.

If you knew this information, would you tell your best friend? My first thought was that its none of my business, and I wont mention it, but its been playing on my mind since, and I can imagine how hurt she would be with me if she knew I knew and didn't tell her.

OP posts:
Jins · 01/12/2010 12:25

I can't take it Hully

I had a detailed account from some work colleagues once and I was staggered by what they got up to

PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 01/12/2010 12:25

I would give the bloke the chance to fess up himself - tell him what you have heard, and that YOU will tell her if he doesn't, and watch his reaction, if he is distressed/remorseful/repulsed by what happened you may judge that he was not happy with it, and does not want to distress wife to be by telling her the sorry tale

Or you might get the "it was nothing, don't you dare tell her, its none of your business" approach - which would be a sign that he saw no wrong with what happened and your friend deserves to know what he is like before she invests in marrying him.

on the other hand, some folk are quite open about having other partners and wife swapping and so on (not for me)- I guess you know her well enough to know this is not the case.

I would think ANY friend of mine deserved better, then again i dont know anyone who has those sorts of stag/hen nights anyway, bleurgh!

Niceguy2 · 01/12/2010 12:25

Before you rush off and ruin two lives and affect their lives forever, please stop and think for a moment.

Is this a oneoff? Was this just a stag do that got out of hand or is he the type who may cheat in general?

We all make mistakes. And I dare say much of this will be fuelled by lots of alcohol and egging on from drunken men on a stag do.

What good can come from rushing and telling the bride?

RealityVom · 01/12/2010 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mum2HarryandBen · 01/12/2010 12:26

It makes you wonder if the Best Man did this to ruin his so called mates life, and it makes you wonder if he is always sabotaging the Groom, that is why I would want him out of the scene for the Bride, the best man needs to be exposed!

Hullygully · 01/12/2010 12:26

You tell us then, Jins.

Kaloki · 01/12/2010 12:28

Tell her, seriously. He's been with her 5 years (!!!) it still counts as cheating. All this bollocks about "last night of freedom", his actual last night of freedom was the night before they decided thy wanted to be together, not after they were engaged to be married!

She needs to know, don't let her go into this marriage blind

anastaisia · 01/12/2010 12:28

Who cares if its a 'one off' Niceguy?

Who wants a husband who starts the marriage off by cheating on you?

Who lies about the state of your relationship to you?

Who doesn't respect you enough not to cheat on you?

If it was a mistake they need to talk about it and decide if they can fix it as a couple - anything else is unfair to the woman who is then making a huge life decision based on a lie.

Jins · 01/12/2010 12:29

I'm not doing full details Hully but it was all very clinical. The star of the show was unable to perform so the rest had to substitute

And nobody left the room!

LeQueen · 01/12/2010 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hullygully · 01/12/2010 12:30

Clinical hmm?

Were there white coats, lab instruments and monkeys?

spidookly · 01/12/2010 12:30

Yes, Jins and BigWelt, tell us!

I thought a stag night was a group of men in their 30s going somewhere they could get a nice selection of ales and then maybe having a curry.

Kaloki · 01/12/2010 12:31

"Before you rush off and ruin two lives and affect their lives forever"

The OP would ruin things??? Don't you mean the fiance? FFS

toddlerama · 01/12/2010 12:31

You need to tell her. Everyone calling this a 'cultural norm' should be confident that she will think so too. If she does or she doesn't, it is up to her to decide.

Fwiw, if I was handcuffed and had oral sex performed on me, without my consent and against my wishes, I would consider it rape. If he doesn't feel that way, and he actually wanted to go along with it, he just cheated on his fiancee. There's no 'free pass' unless your partner grants it. She can't give him a free pass unless she's asked to, and right now, she doesn't have the information.

I would be hurt and furious with my DH if he did something like this before we were married, and if any of my friends (actually any acquaintances tbh) knew about it, I would expect them to tell me so that I could select my course of action. Just witholding it so she can have a nice wedding is so disrespectful and patronising. She might want to go ahead, she might not. That is only her choice, and she deserves the facts.

spidookly · 01/12/2010 12:32

" the groom felt he had to be a real lad and make something up. Because some men are twats like that."

and surely this woman doesn't want to marry that kind of twat?

Who would?

rainbowinthesky · 01/12/2010 12:32

I would have to tell, how can you not? I also would be seriously questioning what sort of partner I was with if I was the op...

Trubert · 01/12/2010 12:32

She may know already, in which case your telling her would be fine. I know women who think that their husbands going to lap dancing clubs is fine.

She may have no idea, in which case she does need to know.

She may have suspicions as to what went on, but not want to know the details, in which case she won't thank you for bringing this out into the open. Some people prefer to stick their head in the sand and carry on regardless.

Is there any reason why your DH can't talk to the bride about this?

stillbobbysgirl · 01/12/2010 12:33

I do not believe for one minute that the others left the room.

RealityVom · 01/12/2010 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

booyhohoho · 01/12/2010 12:33

lequeen would you want to marry a man that was so pathetic he felt he had to lie about cheating on his fiancee just to look good for his mates? what sort of mates would think less of him for not cheating?

CheeseChomper · 01/12/2010 12:33

Poor you, I really don't envy your position as you'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't Sad

FWIW a few years ago I found out that my housemate's DP had pulled some girl that we knew. Lots of people knew, but I was the one to tell her and got called a shit stirrer as apparently it was a 'one off thing' and 'ruined their relationship'. My friend was grateful I told her, as she felt like a mug that everyone knew but her, but I still got a lot of flack from (mainly) mutual male 'friends'.

If I were in your situation, I would tell the groom that you know, you don't like what you've heard, and if he doesn't tell her, then you will. I guess it depends how much you like the groom too and how well he treats her generally. Grade A wanker with dubious past- tell her in an instant. Great chap normally who treats her like gold- have a word with him first.

If I were your friend, i'd be gutted to ever discover that you knew and you didn't tell me. Mainly so I could give the scum bag of a best man a bollocking, as well as my hubby-to-be.

Sounds weird, but it also depends how soon the wedding is? If it's in a week's time, the fallout from telling her might seriously effect the wedding, and as she will prob still go ahead anyway (sorry, just assuming), would ruin the big day. If it's not for a couple of months then there is plenty of time to get over the fallout. Not that when the wedding is should matter on principle whether you tell her or not, but just a thought...

RandyRussian · 01/12/2010 12:33

I wonder how many people saying tell the bride would feel the same way if the sexes were round the other way???

rainbowinthesky · 01/12/2010 12:34

The others never left the room. The op's dh is just trying to make himself look not so bad.

Callisto · 01/12/2010 12:34

I can't understand the people who are advising the OP not to tell. I assume none of them would want to be told if their parner was cheating on them. I find that really bizarre.

MummyBerryJuice · 01/12/2010 12:34

I get really, really angry with this pervasive 'boys-will-be-boys'/'oh but he was drunk' justification for this type of disrespectful, dishonest behaviour. If you are not interested in being faithful don't enter into a relationship that's whole purpose is on of fidility, support and trust.

Argh. there is no excuse for this type of thing and neither the groom nor his bestman and other on lookers have any sympathy from me.