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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not tell my friend what her fiance got up to on his stag weekend?

643 replies

BottleOfRum · 01/12/2010 11:38

Best friend is getting married to her partner of 5years. Have always thought they made a lovely couple.

DH, and a number of other mutual male friends went on the stag weekend. DH came home and said that the best man had organised strippers to turn up to the hotel room, and they hancuffed the groom-to-be to the bed, and one of the strippers gave groom-to-be a blow job.

I am absolutely disgusted by this. Mostly disgusted by the behaviour of the best man, who organised it, but also with all the men present, who must have been instrumental in handcuffing their friend to the bed. I can't believe how disrespectful it is to my friend who is getting married to him.

Now, since the groom-to-be was tied up, I don't blame him as much as the others - there is not much he could do apart from protest I would imagine.

If you knew this information, would you tell your best friend? My first thought was that its none of my business, and I wont mention it, but its been playing on my mind since, and I can imagine how hurt she would be with me if she knew I knew and didn't tell her.

OP posts:
OneLonelySock · 01/12/2010 12:12

If your motivation to tell your friend is to protect her, would breaking her heart achieve this?
Personally I'd either leave it well alone, or chat to the groom.
Theres a lot of stereotypical activities that seem to be culturally expected on a modern stag - a one off situation may just be his final bachelor act! Also, if your husband volunteered the info to you, I'd be a little dubious about whether it really happened or if it was the groom bigging himself up...
Never know, he could be wracked with guilt about the situation.

ChickensHaveNoMercyForTurkeys · 01/12/2010 12:12

Me too, Reality.

BigWelt · 01/12/2010 12:12

I go on these sort of things all the time. What your DH has told you will be the watered down version. The reality will be much more sordid. "hancuffed the groom-to-be to the bed, and one of the strippers gave groom-to-be a blow job" is such an unoriginal cover story.

andchips · 01/12/2010 12:13

how could you even look at your DP after knowing he was involved in this?

capricorn76 · 01/12/2010 12:13

If I were you I would tell the groom what I know to scare the shit out of him. He may then panic and tell her himself...

I would also tell my husband that he is never to go out with that best man again. The man clearly has no morals and I wonder what other things he encourages his mates to get up to when their partners aren't around?

Hullygully · 01/12/2010 12:13
RealityVom · 01/12/2010 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jins · 01/12/2010 12:15

Hully Nooooooo

Don't ask

Callisto · 01/12/2010 12:16

Totally agree with you RealityVom. DH thinks this sort of thing is as sad and sordid as I do, if he didn't I wouldn't have married him.

BigWelt · 01/12/2010 12:17

Hully if I told, no man would ever be allowed to go away ever again!

OneLonelySock · 01/12/2010 12:17

sighs heavily

Never said I approved. Just that peer pressure and cultural expectations can make us act in different ways depending on the situation.
Just suggesting its worth speaking to him first..

ChickensHaveNoMercyForTurkeys · 01/12/2010 12:17

This whole 'I can fuck who I like on my stag do, it's tradition innit' is such total and utter sexist bollocks. And I am mightily depressed to hear that it still goes on tbh. How many women do you think get a spot of cunnilingus from a prostitute days before their wedding? And all their mates pay for it? I repeat, bleurgh.

KnowNothing · 01/12/2010 12:19

If I were the bride, I would want to know.

booyhohoho · 01/12/2010 12:19

agree totally with reality.

spidookly · 01/12/2010 12:19

I wouldn't even want to marry the kind of man who'd lie about getting a blow job from a prostitute to impress his mates.

LeQueen · 01/12/2010 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notreallymyname · 01/12/2010 12:21

I'd want to be told.

I'd rather have no relationship and call off the wedding than keep one with a husband who obviously has so little respect for me.

Jins · 01/12/2010 12:21

One day this story will be out in the open and then you will have to pretend that you didn't know

To your best friend!!!!

She should surely be allowed to make an informed choice before she marries him

And I repeat - you need to do some serious questioning of your DH

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 01/12/2010 12:21

I think you need to focus on your own marriage to be honest. You are married to someone who at the very least didn't stop this - the crowd mentality has affected him.

I would be utterly flabbergasted and disappointed if dh was involved in something like this.

And yes, I could not bear my closest friend not knowing. It will take an enormous amount of love and work on the relationship between you and your friend if she decides to stay with him - being the bearer of this sort of news will affect your relationship.

I'm so sorry for you Sad

LadyViper · 01/12/2010 12:22

Could you find out whether she'd want to know with a "I wonder what men actually get up to on stag dos" conversation and find out

a) whether she would want to know
b) how badly she would take the news

and then if she needs to find out. Make sure she finds out from her DH because otherwise he will also go down for lying and she will never be able to trust him again and the marriage will be over before its even started :-(

perfumeditsawonderfullife · 01/12/2010 12:22

I honestly don't know what I would do. I think I would tell her, but really i would have rather not been told.

Saying that, my dh refuses to go on these stag weekends precisely for this reason. Tricky.

Callisto · 01/12/2010 12:23

There is definitely more to this than the OP has been told.

Hullygully · 01/12/2010 12:23

Oh come on Big Welt. We can take it.

Janos · 01/12/2010 12:23

This is just awful. Poor you being put in this position OP and your poor friend.

I wonder why your DH felt the need to tell you..still, once you know something, you can't unknow it can you?

spidookly · 01/12/2010 12:24

The marriage SHOULD be over before it even starts.

The idea is to make sure the bride is given fair warning so she can get away from this scumbag.