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Original poster

to not tell my friend what her fiance got up to on his stag weekend?

643 replies

BottleOfRum · 01/12/2010 11:38

Best friend is getting married to her partner of 5years. Have always thought they made a lovely couple.

DH, and a number of other mutual male friends went on the stag weekend. DH came home and said that the best man had organised strippers to turn up to the hotel room, and they hancuffed the groom-to-be to the bed, and one of the strippers gave groom-to-be a blow job.

I am absolutely disgusted by this. Mostly disgusted by the behaviour of the best man, who organised it, but also with all the men present, who must have been instrumental in handcuffing their friend to the bed. I can't believe how disrespectful it is to my friend who is getting married to him.

Now, since the groom-to-be was tied up, I don't blame him as much as the others - there is not much he could do apart from protest I would imagine.

If you knew this information, would you tell your best friend? My first thought was that its none of my business, and I wont mention it, but its been playing on my mind since, and I can imagine how hurt she would be with me if she knew I knew and didn't tell her.

OP posts:
Original poster
BottleOfRum · 01/12/2010 12:47

Without telling her directly, do you think I could sort of half sugegst it then? There are loads of photos of the rest of the stag party in the pub, and the groom is conspiciously absent from all of these. If I told DP to put these photos on FB, I could say to her "Where was your fiance in all those photos?" and also something like "so, did fiance tell you what they got up to on the stag night then? DH refuses to tell me anything, but I heard idiot best man talking about strippers a while ago, and Im wondering if he went through it with?" or something on those lines, and then leave her to do the investigating herself??

Or do you think thats just wrong because I would be blatantly lying to her and telling her I don't know anything, when really I do?

OP posts:
booyhohoho · 01/12/2010 12:47

apologies for assuming. comments like the one you made are usually from teh same type of poster who wades in crying "what about the menz" and generally just looking to shit stir.

maktaitai · 01/12/2010 12:47

Actually, I would never tell about a lapdance or strippers, or a snog. And I would be very reluctant to actually tell the bride even in these circumstances; however I would put a lot of pressure on the groom because when his dick goes inside someone else it DOES have consequences and I think it does no harm for people to be aware of that.

anastaisia · 01/12/2010 12:47

If you were signing any other kind of legal contract, and a friend knew or strongly suspected that there may be a serious complication would you want to be told?

Or would you want them let you sign the contract without having a chance to sort out the issues that may arise from the information?

Yes, a relationship has extra emotional complications - but to let a friend enter into the legal contract of marriage, when you have that information and he/she doesn't isn't very friendly behaviour IMO.

spidookly · 01/12/2010 12:47

This is a big issues.

The biggest.

EITHER

a. a man has been sexually assaulted by his supposed friends

OR

b. a woman is about to be tricked into marrying a faithless misogynist

Either way, she needs to know what is going on.

I had no idea there were people who would be so cruel to their best friend as to keep something like this from her.

Itsjustafleshwound · 01/12/2010 12:48

People don't change - if the man is a dirt bag, he will always be a dirtbag ...

But it isn't a heads-up (terrible pun!!) it is tittletale and second hand, unreliable I saw/I thought .... the friend isn't a fool

VinaApsara · 01/12/2010 12:48

I would NOT tell the bride directly. Instead I would speak to the groom and tell him that you know what happened and ask him what he is going to do about it. You can make it clear that you believe the bride should be put in the picture and say you will wait to hear back from him as to what he ultimately decided to do.

That way the onus is entirely on the groom to do the right thing. It is unlikely he won't tell her as he will have the fear hanging over him all the time that you will then spill the beans.

verytellytubby · 01/12/2010 12:49

Where was your DH when this was going on? Sorry to be blunt but it sounds like a guilty confession from him. Why else would he put you in this horrific position?

booyhohoho · 01/12/2010 12:49

no OP, don't hint or beat about teh bush. if you are going to tell her you tell her straight exactly what your DH told you. no more and no less. then you leave it up to her to do what she pleases with teh information. if you hint then you will end up having to tell her in teh end if she doesn't twig on, otehrwise tehre is no point of hinting. (the point of hinting being that you wnat her to know, you just dont want teh blame for telling her)

rastaClaus · 01/12/2010 12:49

If she was my best friend then yes I would tell her without a shadow of a doubt, as I would expect her to tell me.

I would tell her then leave the ball in her court on what to do next.

If you didn't tell her, the marriage went ahead then it comes out at a later date that all the men knew as well as my best friend and no one told me I would be pretty mortified.

The whole thing sounds utterly vile.

Terrible situation for you to be in Sad

anastaisia · 01/12/2010 12:49

BottleOfRum

Could you say: look, I've heard something about the stag do, that may or may not be completely true. Do you want to know so you can find out the rest of the facts or not?

spidookly · 01/12/2010 12:49

nicely put ana

FakePlasticTrees · 01/12/2010 12:50

Has anyone else mentioned the possibility that the groom has already told the bride? It this sort of behaviour is out of character for him, then he might have told her out of guilt and fear someone else might.

I'd get your DH to talk to the groom to find out if he's already talked to his bride to be, and if not, give him a 2 day warning that you will be. Quite frankly, you shouldn't be having to shoulder all this - your DH dumped this on you. I also think he should be available to talk to the bride when you tell her so he can confirm what he knows.

It would break my heart to hear DH had done something like this on his stag do, but would be worst to find out later and look at all the guys in my wedding photos thinking they were laughing at me behind my back. (Am now soooo glad DH went to an international rugby match for his stag do)

OneLonelySock · 01/12/2010 12:50

Because sadly he's the only one who knows what or why he did it, and if this is just an unfounded rumour then it's won't help to chat to your friend straight off. also any reaction of his might help you make your mind up - if it's not already.

pinkdelight · 01/12/2010 12:50

I really disagree that the Groom would come clean out of fear. Fear makes us go into self-protection mode. He'd do whatever it takes to make himself seem like the good guy and part of that would have to involve slagging you and undermining your friendship. Keep him out of it. Trust your friendship.

auntpolly · 01/12/2010 12:50

Maybe I'm being naive but if he really didn't want the BJ to happen and protested then the strippers would surely have stopped? I don't think the assault thing holds. If I was the bride to be I would want to know, and I would feel (more) humiliated if I knew that a friend had known and not told me before the wedding.

Hullygully · 01/12/2010 12:50

Chandon's idea is good.

Hullygully · 01/12/2010 12:51

auntpolly - oh no, strippers just love giving vile drunk men unwanted blow jobs.

Stangirl · 01/12/2010 12:51

My DP says I cling too much to the Sword of Truth - but that's just 'cos he has a tendency towards duplicity and infidelity. If I was your friend I would want to know - though I would call the wedding off. This is why my DP is DP not DH.

I would, as many other posters have advised, speak to the groom first, give him a chance to tell and then tell my friend.

As for what happens on stag dos - one male friend of mine went with his mates on a stag do to Brighton. They spent most of the evening taking it in turns with a prostitute. I've never seen him as a good friend since. Another friend - who pretends to be a lad but is at heart a family man - went to Talinn for a weekend stag and was horrified that all his friends just wanted to visit different brothels. He told me that it really upset him as he had been looking forward to heavy drinking but not this and ended up just driving them around whilst he sat outside in a car.

MooMooFarm · 01/12/2010 12:52

If she is your best friend, surely you do not stand back and allow her to be made a complete fool of on her wedding day.

She'll be standing at the alter not knowing that her lovely new DH was given a BJ by a prostitute (during what sounds like a bit of a gang-bang btw - I struggle to believe that 'strippers' - ie in plural - were called into a room and then all the other men left???)- and that half the room knows about it.

If you don't tell her she'll eventually hear it through the rumour mill anyway, as your DH is unlikely to be the only one covering himself by spilling the beans to his partner, IMO. Probably better she hears it from her best friend than from someone who doesn't give a shite and is enjoying the gossip.

iTigress · 01/12/2010 12:52

Tell her.

I don't think you have a choice and I don't think anyone could reasonably expect you to keep it to yourself. Either you show loyalty to the stags, or to your friend. It's your DH who stuffed things up for the groom by breaking the whole secrecy thing, none of them could expect you to keep it secret.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 01/12/2010 12:52

They hired some hookers then.

Or are gob-jobs standard for strippers nowadays? Hmm

Lovely.

booyhohoho · 01/12/2010 12:52

i agree taht people don't change. if this man saw his stag as an excuse to cheat he will find other excuses (justifiable in his head- she isn't giving him enough/he needed more excitement/he was away on business, it doesn't count)to cheat throughout their marriage.

BalloonSlayer · 01/12/2010 12:52

I wouldn't "half-suggest" it BottleofRum. Asking where the groom is in the pictures could come across as catty

anastaisia · 01/12/2010 12:53

"It's your DH who stuffed things up for the groom by breaking the whole secrecy thing, none of them could expect you to keep it secret."

It's the GTB who stuffed things up for himself (unless it was assult) by cheating on his partner.