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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not tell my friend what her fiance got up to on his stag weekend?

643 replies

BottleOfRum · 01/12/2010 11:38

Best friend is getting married to her partner of 5years. Have always thought they made a lovely couple.

DH, and a number of other mutual male friends went on the stag weekend. DH came home and said that the best man had organised strippers to turn up to the hotel room, and they hancuffed the groom-to-be to the bed, and one of the strippers gave groom-to-be a blow job.

I am absolutely disgusted by this. Mostly disgusted by the behaviour of the best man, who organised it, but also with all the men present, who must have been instrumental in handcuffing their friend to the bed. I can't believe how disrespectful it is to my friend who is getting married to him.

Now, since the groom-to-be was tied up, I don't blame him as much as the others - there is not much he could do apart from protest I would imagine.

If you knew this information, would you tell your best friend? My first thought was that its none of my business, and I wont mention it, but its been playing on my mind since, and I can imagine how hurt she would be with me if she knew I knew and didn't tell her.

OP posts:
LeQueen · 01/12/2010 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeQueen · 01/12/2010 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bupcakesandcunting · 01/12/2010 23:32

I do not envy OP. I would be beating DH around the face with a wet kipper if he put me in this position.

LeQueen · 01/12/2010 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bupcakesandcunting · 01/12/2010 23:39

OP if you're reading, come back and tell us what you've decided. I hope we haven't scared you off :)

gingerwig · 01/12/2010 23:47

don't tell

spidookly · 01/12/2010 23:55

"Agree with bupcakes there is simply NOT going to be a happy ending here, for anyone. Nothing positive can come of this."

Rubbish.

Girl ditches horrible, sleazy, unfaithful, misogynistic fiance and has a happy life without him.

The only possibility for any kind of happy ending is if she knows what's going on in her relationship.

I don't really see why the ending of a relationship based on lies is such a bad outcome.

spidookly · 01/12/2010 23:56

I would be so glad my DH gave the opportunity to save my friend from marrying a horrible man.

LeQueen · 02/12/2010 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gingerwig · 02/12/2010 00:12

spidookly we don't know whether he is a horrible man.
The bride to be probably has a more complete picture then OP , one would hope

aurynne · 02/12/2010 03:21

BottleOfRum, my personal advice is to direct your friend to this thread. Then she will know in which terrible situation you are, how much thought you are giving this matter, how scared you are to lose her as a friend... and more important, she will know what your DH told you.

Good luck. You are a good friend.

differentnameforthis · 02/12/2010 03:21

if he had an erection, he wanted sex

That is dangerous thinking. Are you really that naive, rebecca

That's like saying 'if she was wet, she wanted sex' about a woman, surely!

The body often does what it wants, doesn't mean the person in that body wants sex!

onmyfeet · 02/12/2010 03:39

Disgusting behavior. I would tell her. He could have kicked her in the face, or told them he would lay charges, or he could actually have laid charges, if forced as said. Directing her to this thread is a very good idea. The sooner the better.
I would want to know, and if I forgave my husband to be, I would not forgive the best man or have him at my wedding. Or any of the men who were a part of it. Although I would probably call the wedding off to be totally honest.
If a man tried to do that to me, I would fight, kick him in the mouth and so on. I would not be all "Oh I was forced, ha ha"
He is guilty!

onmyfeet · 02/12/2010 03:58

Quote
"if he had an erection, he wanted sex"

Not true, men in coma's, and paralyzed men. get erections.
A reflex erection occurs involuntarily by direct contact with the penis or other erogenous zones (ears, nipples, neck)Most paralyzed men are able to have a reflex erection unless nerves in the sacral spinal cord (S2-S4) are damaged.

www.christopherreeve.org/site/c.mtKZKgMWKwG/b.4453431/k.A0C5/Sexuality_for_Men.htm

onmyfeet · 02/12/2010 04:02

And if nobody told me until afterwards, I would be furious! To know all those men knew of this, plus my female friend, and did not tell me. It is a friends duty to tell her something like this. It would ruin the friend ship for me. The bride can decide if she still wants the wedding to carry on, but she needs to know about this, in order to decide for herself.

conquita · 02/12/2010 05:31

I haven't had time to read all the message in this, but I would tell her. Why? - 3 letters - H.P.V. I have no doubts the stripper will have this virus and would now have passed it onto your friends husband to be, who will then pass the virus onto your friend.

MissPopOff · 02/12/2010 07:44

I think the OP's DH was testing the water by telling her. He wanted to gauge her reaction and only told her a little of what actually went on.

I do not believe that they all left the room, a large group of drunken men just don't do that. They were probably all egging him on and no doubt took part in sex acts themselves.

I think the OP's DH has a guilty conscience for even mentioning it. A lot more obviously happened.

I personally wouldn't tell, as I find couples rarely split up over such incidents and then the friend is labelled the bad guy for interfering in their relationship, but then I am not one to get involved with other people's personal lives.

I am sure the bride to be would have sensed something was not right, surely the groom to be must be acting differently and she may have started asking questions herself.

Those of you that say you would want to know, of course you would, but could you deal with it? Going from total elation at the prospect if getting married to utter devastation and self doubt and a million questions. It is a very painful thing to deal with and I would not want to have that responsibilty.

But OP, you do have to ask further questions and get the truth, as it may not just have been the groom to be that has played away.

CuddlyNotFat · 02/12/2010 08:02

I still think that the OP should just forget she knew about this. It is NOT her job to get the truth or make the groom suffer or let the bride know that her DH-to-be is a tosser.

It is not up to her to judge the situation, much less anyone else. Nor should she - is she is possession of the absolute truth? No. So don't say anything.

And I really don't think that it's helpful to the OP (if she's still here and hasn't run away to hide under the duvet with her eyes shut and her fingers in her ears!) for some people to be saying that it's the tip of the iceberg, he's guilty, the relationship is a bad one... it's not her relationship.

It's beginning to sound a bit hysterical and like tale telling in the playground TBH.

SatinShoes · 02/12/2010 08:04

Glad I dont have a fiance who recently had a stag do....

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/12/2010 08:12

onmyfeet
"If a man tried to do that to me, I would fight, kick him in the mouth and so on. I would not be all "Oh I was forced, ha ha"
He is guilty!"

he was tied to the bed by 29 other men.

Switch the sexes and what you have effectively said is if a woman doesn't struggle she wants to be raped.

Its a very dangerous line to take.

spidookly · 02/12/2010 08:20

Well the bride will have a more complete picture when she knows the man she is about to marry pays for sex, cheats on her, and disrepects her publicly.

Maybe he has a gold cock that spouts champagne to make up for all that?

spidookly · 02/12/2010 08:25

Well said Boney

Sprogger · 02/12/2010 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spidookly · 02/12/2010 09:22

More to the point, give that AT LEAST 29 people know already, it is almost a certainty that she will find out eventually.

At least this way she gets to hear it from a friend.

And hopefully find out in time to be able to make informed decisions about her life.

5DollarShake · 02/12/2010 09:43

I'm surprised at the number of people saying the OP's DH is a 'weasel' and that he has put her in an untenable position by telling her this. And that he's as bad as the rest of them by not wading in, caped-crusader style to put a stop to it. Hmm

These aren't even his friends. They're his DW's (the OP) best friend's partner's friends...! That's pretty tenuous link and so no reason at all for him to be tarred with the same brush.

Further - if this is to all come out further down the line, and the OP finds out that her DH knew and didn't tell her, I can imagine she'd be pretty livid. He's damed if he does tell her (presumably promoted by being pretty disgusted by it), and damed if he doesn't tell. He's been put in an awful position by people who are his wife's friends.

I don't know how all your relationships work, but my DH and I tell each other pretty much everything, and something like this, if it happened to my best friend, would be told to me by my DH.

And you know what - if the DP shouldn't have told the OP, then going by this line of thinking, the OP shouldn't tell her friend....?
I really think the basting the OP's DH is getting is out of line.

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