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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not 'do' santa?

441 replies

jmt2211 · 30/11/2010 21:27

I don't believe in Santa and refuse to lie to my child about it. The first year he could ask about it was when he was 3 and I just said that lots of people liked to believe in Santa but really he was just pretend.
I have yet to find a single person who has done the same, even if I can get them to agree in principle, no one will agree in practice. I'd love to hear what others think (other than that I am a Scrooge) and see if anyone agrees with me....

OP posts:
sleepywombat · 01/12/2010 00:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Himalaya · 01/12/2010 00:20

jmt211 and scarlettcrossbones - I don't get it. You say you don't do Santa. But then you do the whole stocking, carrot thing? What on earth for? What do you tell your kids its in aid of?

tabulahrasa · 01/12/2010 00:21

most 3 year olds think that they can completely hide by covering their face with their hands, that putting on 23 hairclips makes them pretty, that they can be a policeman with his own train (ok that last one might just have been mine, lol)

I wouldn't tell one that none of them are true either...

most 3 year olds don't have any problem believing that santa gets round by magic and definitely don't notice how much they have in comparison to other children

I wouldn't lie to my children about anything important, but it's not hypocritical to do something to create something nice for them

I lie to them all the time - ooh isn't that a lovely picture! (wtf is it supposed to be? am I even holding it the right way up?)

no, there's no tomatoes in the spaghetti bolognaise (tinned doesn't count because you can't see bits)

You can grow up to be whatever you want to be (ok an international rockstar a vet and a shop owner all at once seem a bit unlikely)

I don't see that Santa is any different? Yes as they get older and question things I'd answer differently, just like I'm not going to go along with my 14 year old picking exam choices based on being the train driving policeman he wanted to be as a 3 year old, rofl

Original poster
jmt2211 · 01/12/2010 00:28

right, that's me done for the night! I still feel totally justified in my decision and I got what I wanted which was to see if anyone agreed with me. I don't think I would post on AIBU again as some people are quite aggressive and for those of you who posted a :( with reference to how sad you feel for my child- I hope you cry on xmas morning thinking of him.

OP posts:
melpomene · 01/12/2010 00:54

I'm broadly in agreement with the OP. DH and I have always taken the line that Santa is something that people pretend. I don't think that you have to take the Santa story literally to have fun with it; the dds still have stockings and we even go out into the garden to sprinkle reindeer food, but the dds know that it's just a bit of fun and that the presents really come from dh and me. I've never been able to understand what is supposed to be so sad about knowing that people who love you are giving you presents!

By way of comparison, children can still have endless fun playing games with cuddly toys and dolls, without literally believing that the cuddly toys and dolls are really alive. Or as another example, children can get a sense of excitement and awe at the theatre while knowing that it is 'just a show'. To the pro-santa posters - would you become upset if your child mentioned that they know that their favourite cuddly toy isn't really alive, or insist that it is alive if they ask you? Do you think that your dc would no longer enjoy a pantomime, or story such as the Gruffalo if they know that it's not true?

lovereading · 01/12/2010 01:02

I would imagine that the posters that felt sad for your son and were overly harsh on you, will not give your son one moment of their thoughts on Christmas Day, they are using this thread and probably many more as a stick to beat people with, to elevate themselves at the expense of others, and take out their frustrations on faceless people! You sound like a thoughtfull, loving Mother, have a nice Christmas Day with you son, Father Christmas or no FC!

AnotherSingingMummy · 01/12/2010 03:30

She's quite happy with her decision now, by the sounds of it.

piscesmoon · 01/12/2010 07:54

She was always quite happy with her decision-people post on AIBU wanting agreement and then get upset when people differ. There will always be a split. It depends on what you see as 'the truth'.
In my case I told my DCs when I felt they were ready. I think they enjoyed the working out and I took the lead from them. We had all sorts of discussions on how it was possible with a gas fire for example. I played along-at that point they wanted to believe. When my 7 yr old looked me in the eye and asked me the blunt truth I told him the truth-he was ready and he phrased in the way that he wanted to know. He happily agreed that he would keep it going for his younger brother so that he could have the same fun.
It may seem odd to some people, but I feel that having had wonderful, truly magical Christmases as a DC makes me a stronger person today.
I remember JoolyJoolyJoos response on the last thread where she said:

'One of my most happy moments was when I went to pick dd2 up from nursery and was called over to see the big frieze they had done for the wall. There was a picture of each child with a speech bubble and the caption was "I love my mum because.." There were lots of because she looks after me/ cooks my favourite dinners/ gives me a hug. My dd was there with a huge grin and the words "She has magic powers" in her speech bubble'

I thought that was wonderful and that is how I hope that my DC would see me! I have no doubt that Christmas in her house is a lovely experience and much more joyous than those who insist that DCs must have 'the truth' as they see it.

spiralqueen · 01/12/2010 08:26

OP - Why not forget Christmas as it's all about fairy stories other people believe in and make a big deal of George Washington's birthday in February instead. He was famous for saying he couldn't tell a lie and you could celebrate all the things you hold dear.

Just a thought.

disappearhere · 01/12/2010 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Serendippy · 01/12/2010 08:30

You may not want to lie to your chil, but it is very possible your child would want to be lied to. I don't know of a single adult who resents their parents for lying to them about santa! Anyway, decision made, what's done is done.

piscesmoon · 01/12/2010 08:43

It may be possible that your DC resents you for not doing magic-they are all different.

RudeEnglishLady · 01/12/2010 08:51

So no one explained me how to do a convincing charade involving 3 cultures then or how to explain that children from poor families who don't get much aren't just really naughty ... Humph Wink

piscesmoon · 01/12/2010 08:54

I think that you are overthinking it RudeEnglishLady.

RudeEnglishLady · 01/12/2010 08:57

I don't! I want answers!

piscesmoon · 01/12/2010 09:00

You just expalin that different cultures have different traditions e.g. St Nicholas, shoes etc (get a book from the library about different counties and Christmas). I can't see why a small DC would know what other DCs get and anyway some families get big toys and some get little stockings. It is magic-not something to explain!

piscesmoon · 01/12/2010 09:01

You can track him on Christmas Eve-on line.

piscesmoon · 01/12/2010 09:02

If you have to expalin it all probably you are not a person suited to it!

piscesmoon · 01/12/2010 09:02

explain even.

JustAnother · 01/12/2010 09:15

jmt2211, my husband thinks like you so the first time DS asked, he told him the truth. He was about 5 I think. I was a bit sad about it, but to be honest, it has not caused any problems. DS is still massively excited about xmas.

Mum2HarryandBen · 01/12/2010 09:19

Piscesmoon, have you got a link?

RudeEnglishLady · 01/12/2010 09:22

I have no problem with the facts - don't need a book. Its blending all the stories together and if this is not possible, which it isn't, then an unwillingness to define a child's primary culture. DS might not feel very English! English Christmas is no more important or real than the other two. The fact that the characters change and show up on different days just show how false it is! And saying some families get big toys and some get little doesn't really wash does it - with sweets and toys, bigger and more is always better! And means Santa thought you were 'good'.

You are right - i'm not suited to it and wasn't suited to it as a child! But - if i lived in an English village with a pretty singular culture, I'd give it a bash for a few years. I'm not dogmatic about this, or smug!

Thanks for debating, my mum thinks i'm awful about this too!

ChocolateMoose · 01/12/2010 09:24

Wow, I am really startled by the amount of vitriol on this thread. My parents 'did' Father Christmas, but didn't make a big thing of it - I just had a big stocking full of little presents left on my bed. I don't really remember much about the time when I believed in Father Christmas, so my childhood memories are of being thrilled by Christmas and presents, knowing perfectly well who they were from. I really can't see that OP's child is going to suffer in any way. It might be a bit of an awkward situation if he goes around telling friends, but I expect they'll go on believing anyway - after all, children from different religions go to school together quite happily.

minervaitalica · 01/12/2010 09:31

I now fully expect jmt2211 to be totally honest with her children, e.g.:

  • "You look totally awful with that haphazard combination of clothes"
  • "You really did nto do very well at that school race, you only came 5th" (or similar)
  • "What's that thing you have drawn? You cannot tell it's a horse/mummy/a self-portrait".

Frankly, the fact that she was rude to most posters on this thread adn then buggered off says that obv. only her opinion counts. And yes, I do feel sorry for her kids!

tabulahrasa · 01/12/2010 09:34

rudeenglishlady - I can understand that the cultural thing is hard, but I can honestly say that my children have never noticed that people get different amounts of presents - they've only ever cared that santa brought them the one present they were desperate on that year

one year it was a toy space shuttle, another was a jack in the box, last year my daughter asked for a cardboard box big enough to fit inside, rofl

as long as they got those they've never seemed to bother about anything else

I wouldn't say someone's awful for not doing santa, but I don't think it's lying or hypocritical - just something fun to do at christmas that makes it more exciting for young kids