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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not 'do' santa?

441 replies

jmt2211 · 30/11/2010 21:27

I don't believe in Santa and refuse to lie to my child about it. The first year he could ask about it was when he was 3 and I just said that lots of people liked to believe in Santa but really he was just pretend.
I have yet to find a single person who has done the same, even if I can get them to agree in principle, no one will agree in practice. I'd love to hear what others think (other than that I am a Scrooge) and see if anyone agrees with me....

OP posts:

wannaBe · 30/11/2010 23:26

This reply has been deleted

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tulipgrower · 30/11/2010 23:28

YANBU - As I grew up without Santa/FC, (still not feeling deprived), it would now feel wierd for me to suddenly start the myth for my son.

I had a religious upbring, the magic was in the birth of jesus, the angels, the star, the wisemen, carols, ... We got presents as part of his birthday celebrations. I think it's really interesting that, at least in this forum, that Santa/FC is still the done thing, (and some seem to take it really seriously too).

ScarlettCrossbones · 30/11/2010 23:37

WriterofDreams you talk complete sense.

BecauseImWorthIt well, I agree with the OP more or less, so by implication I felt you were referring to my children too! Apologies if that wasn't the case.

Wannabe, my kids can believe it if they want - as I said, it's up to them and I don't actually go round saying "Santa doesn't exist, it's a load of old nonsense". That would be somewhat stark. I just don't reinforce the lie.

tabulahrasa · 30/11/2010 23:39

ah but tulipgrower, if it's all about the nativity then you'd have other stuff instead - without religion or santa Christmas is just a bit pointless

don't get me wrong, it was nice, everyone was at home, family came to visit, we got presents and the dinner, played board games

I just always felt like I'd missed out a bit, not deprived, that's a bit strong, lol

We did have a bit of a moan to my mum about it when I was 16 and my sister was 14, we got a present from him that year, rofl

She hadn't been brought up to believe in him (my granny was spanish so different traditions) and had been told by other people that they were upset when they found out he wasn't real, didn't like teh idea of lying so didn't do it

I understand why and it wasn't a massive deal - it hasn't warped my whole life or anything, pmsl

but yeah I definitely felt like I missed out as a child, at the time anyway

Timeforanap · 30/11/2010 23:41

I'm amazed by some of these comments! "Cruel" not to do Santa??!! Erm, nope. Christmas is "magical" enough with the real Christmas story, carols, tree, presents, special food... My DD trusted me implicitly, completely believed every word I uttered when she was a toddler, no way was I going to abuse that trust. We "played" Father Christmas, carrot for Rudolph etc etc, but she actually wanted reassurance that a stranger wasn't really going to come into her bedroom in the middle of the night. Because that is what you are actually saying if you pretend this stuff is true.

Himalaya · 30/11/2010 23:44

scarlettcrossbones - what do you tell your kids the carrotts are for?

Original poster

jmt2211 · 30/11/2010 23:44

wannaBe-What happens when he comes home crying and says that santa is going to bring presents to all his friends and not to him?

I think you're being a wee bit silly here. He's already asked something similar and I told him that those children's parents actually gave them the presents but pretended they were from santa (truth). What he really couldn't understand was why those children's parents were lying to them. I find myself easy to explain but do you? when your child asks how santa gets round the whole world in one night or how does he get into houses without chimneys what do you say? (insert your lie here)

OP posts:

tabulahrasa · 30/11/2010 23:46

"when your child asks how santa gets round the whole world in one night or how does he get into houses without chimneys what do you say? (insert your lie here)"

magic

same as tooth fairies and how I always know when they're doing when they think I can't see them, rofl

WriterofDreams · 30/11/2010 23:49

Grr that magic line pissed me off so much when I was a child. Basically to me it said "Fuck off you idiot." Seriously, that's how I felt about it. I knew magic wasn't real so why was the person I looked to to explain my world fobbing me off with it? I really didn't understand it.

tabulahrasa · 30/11/2010 23:52

writerofdreams - I wouldn't persevere in maintaining santa was real with a child who was genuinely questioning how it all works, I mean I'd try once, lol

but a 3 year old? yep I'd tell him it was magic

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/11/2010 23:55

my answer would be, i don't know, sounds impossible doesn't it?

and i too will go with the 'if you believe it's real' and i don't know if i believe what do you think type route over time with ds. i'm not going to actively lie to him if he doesn't want to believe or is ready not to.

but that is different to telling a three year old emphatically that it is a lie and that all the parents pretend. that's likely to have freaked the child out and given them a fairly weird glimpse of the adult/wider world to be honest.

and what joy for the child who's the one at school to say santa isn't real and to be at a different age level of knowledge to their peers. isolating.

Valpollicella · 30/11/2010 23:55

We say that Father Christmas has a special key for houses that don't have 'chimleys' Tabula

gingerwig · 30/11/2010 23:55

OP you are over thinking this!!
The Santa myth is the highlight of childhood

RudeEnglishLady · 30/11/2010 23:55

Exactly jmt2211. Otherwise how else do you explain why some children get more than others from 'Santa'?

Is it because of the bad behaviour of the children that they don't get much (reference the behaviour blackmail clause - naughtiness = no presents). Or is it because the Dad lost his job this year?

There's a lot about the Santa stuff that makes me massively uncomfortable. And like Writer of Dreams I thought it was a stupid story when I was a kid. It offended me that adults though I was that dumb.

RudeEnglishLady · 30/11/2010 23:57

thought not though...

Joolyjoolyjoo · 30/11/2010 23:58

"I knew magic wasn't real"- how did you know this? I am 38 years old and I still believe in "magic"- ie I believe that there are still things that we don't understand yet. To people living years ago the solar system was a crazy concept. Why would a child think that they had full knowledge of all the ways the world work?

My 6yo DD was looking for a bit more detailed explanation though, so we had a little chat about the possibility of time travel, Einstein's theory of revolution and the speed of light- that gave her plenty to think about!

BecauseImWorthIt · 30/11/2010 23:58

I prescribe that you all watch The Polar Express.

Come on, lighten up and enjoy this time of year - either for its religious significance, if that is important to you, or for the sheer magic/joy of believing, just for a while, in something so impossibly lovely and joyful.

What's the harm in that? Plenty of time in the rest of the year to revel in the grit that is real life.

Original poster

jmt2211 · 30/11/2010 23:59

betrayal of trust is exactly it! Before having my own child I worked as a nanny and I always found it really difficult talking about santa with the kids because I knew it wasn't my place to tell them the truth but I hated lying to them because they really trusted me. I think that is where the whole idea not to do santa with my own child came from. I just couldn't lie to his face and I would be upset if he lied to me. Truth, honesty, love and respect are the basis of my parenting, not just in theory but also in practice. I can't believe that I am being criticised so heavily for not being a hypocrite! I expect my child to tell me the truth and in return do the same, that is not a crazy concept.

OP posts:

BonniePrinceBilly · 01/12/2010 00:00

I can explain it all quite easily. Possible I have a better imagination than you.
I wonder why that could be?

Joolyjoolyjoo · 01/12/2010 00:05

The truth can be a harsh thing, though, for little children. There is the truth about death, the truth about war, the truth about what happens to some unfortunate children, the truth about money-worries..the list goes on. Do you share all these truths with your children, or do you protect them from them?

The Truth is often held up as a beacon of virtue. But we all withhold truths at times- I don't tell my best friend "yes, you are right, you do look shit and it is very noticeable that you have put on all that weight since you have had your baby. How's the PND?" Do you think she is outraged that I don't tell her that because she thinks I think she is too dumb? The truth can be cruel!

Original poster

jmt2211 · 01/12/2010 00:06

we don't have 'grit that is real life', 'harsh realities' in our lives. Sometimes good things happen sometimes bad, that's just life. I think it wrong to tell your child life is horrible and something to be protected from. Joy of believing? come on...

OP posts:

WriterofDreams · 01/12/2010 00:09

Something that struck me on the thread I started and is coming up here again is the idea that children that don't believe in Santa have no imagination. I had great imagination as a child, in fact I wrote a book of stories and won a number of writing competitions. With Santa children aren't being asked to imagine something, they're being asked to believe in something that isn't real. There is a huge difference between reading a story for example about fairies with the understanding that it is imaginary and telling a story about some strange man and portraying it as real. That's not imagination, that's lying.

In response the magic question, I knew that it wasn't possible for a person to travel the entire world in one night. I also knew about Einstein's theory of relativity (thanks to my favourite programme Beakman's World) and that while time travel is theoretically possible no one had achieved it yet. So why were my parents, who I assumed were more knowledgeable than I, expecting me to believe this one person who never died (another thing I found hard to swallow, especially when my dog died) had that ability and wouldn't share it with anyone else? It just twisted my brain and made me wonder what the hell was wrong with my parents.

Original poster

jmt2211 · 01/12/2010 00:12

Joolyjoolyjoo- yes I tell the truth about those things too. Not in a negative way but in a factual one. Death happens, war happens, abuse happens, money worries happen- these are the reasons why and this is what I or you can do to help. Obv, I tailor my answer to be age appropriate and don't shock my child with gruesome stories of horror but yes I tell the truth.

OP posts:

Joolyjoolyjoo · 01/12/2010 00:12

So, you don't have "grit that is real life" in your life, nor do you have magic, and yet both things exist

I don't tell my children that "life is horrible", that wasn't my point. But sometimes the good (magic) stuff balances out all the bad gritty stuff. Truth is truth- these things happen/ exist. You are the one saying that you want your children to know the truth, I was just wondering how far you take it. And if you don't share these truths with them, does that also make you a hypocrite, in your eyes?

Joolyjoolyjoo · 01/12/2010 00:14

X-posted- thought your previous post was to me!

I totally get that you tailor your truths to be age-appropriate- this is what I do too. But I kinda think Santa is also "age-appropriate"!

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