to say to DH that a cricket match every Saturday isn't acceptable now we have a baby?

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

DH and I have been together 8 years, he's passionate about cricket and plays it (not very well, got the duck cup last season) most Saturday's during the season, meaning he's out the house from about midday until 10pm (pitch set up, match, post match drinking) plus goes on 'tour' (a p!ss up in Devon for a few days).

I said to him casually the other day that he won't really be able to do that every Saturday next season, maybe every other would be more appropriate now that we have a DD. I went on to say that I'll be back at work FT, so we need family time together, I'll help round the house and couldn't he play more golf instead which means he's only out of the house for a few hours but is still getting some exercise.

He went mad, literally couldn't believe what I was suggesting and couldn't see the problem with him being out pretty much all day Saturday! Even went onto to say 'don't try and control me, I've dumped girlfriends for less!' I was soooo shocked, we are thick as thieves normally and literally never argue, just work things through if there is a mild difference of opinion, so this really shook me, he was so vehement in his response!

When do we get family time?

When do I get c.10 hours off to do as I please?

Bonsoir, the OP presumably used to do things with her Saturdays too (other than "fun things with mothers and children") before she had a baby. Her DH is unilaterally deciding that she can't do those things any more because he wants to carry on doing what he used to do with his Saturdays and his wishes need to take priority over hers or (implicitly) he'll dump her.

I appreciate that in your world the possession of a second X chromosome means that a woman with a baby loses all desire to do anything other than be alone with the baby at every opportunity (in fact, should be grateful for the chance) or "fun things with other mothers and children" while a man has no such desire and in fact shouldn't change the way he's behaved all his life one iota, but that isn't the way it works for most people.

"the DH has played cricket all his life and cannot for the life of him see why this should stop because he has a baby"

Um... when I had a baby, every single thing in my life stopped. That's whawt happens when you have a baby. Life stops for a bit, and then you gradually adjust, pick things up a bit more as they get older, etc

If you want your life to carry on exactly as it always have, don't have children. Or alternatively, be a father, not a mother, apparantly

I agree with everyone on this thread. You're all very persuasive indeed.

But probably most with spidookly and venusandmars, and a bit tbh with bonsoir - but then I like family time that comes as part of something else, rather than being scheduled in as a thing on its own. OP if you think about a problem in your relationship, come up with a solution in your head and present the solution to your partner, it is likely to cause strong reactions. Start with the problem and talk with him about it IMO.

I can't believe there are people on here, women who think it is a husband's right to buggar off and do what he pleases by himself for a whole day every weekend.

How long does the actual cricket bit go on for? Could he not just miss the getting pissed bit?

I also fail to see, unless he has the mental capacity of a 6 year old, that he hadn't thought this might become tricky with children.

Good point, beenbeta. DH now plays with a team that is much more family friendly, assumes the kids will come along at some stage, has kids cricket teas, bouncy castle, early BBQs, kids cricket matches.

Then again, DH works shifts, so may be at home for a few days during the week where he does stuff around the house that needs to be done.

Unless he is a SAHD. If so, then I think he does need his time out of the house and away from the baby at the weekend. But I couldn't see any indication that he's a SAHD in the OP.

40deniertights didn't sound like an adult conversation to me, it sounded like OP telling her DH what he should do. I don't know many people who react totally reasonably in that situation. Though threatening to leave was going too far, I can totally understand his anger.

every single thing in my life didn't stop. I adore my children - but I have a life as well and i did every thing possible to ensure that I still retained some of what makes me "me" after I had them.

My children have always added to my life, not made or dictate my life.

Truck - if you spend 10 hour every Saturday going boozing with your mates and using cricket as 'cover' then yes you are pathetic.

I have a friend who coaches junior football on Saturday morning, his son plays and its perfectly acceptable and a good thing to do. My own DCs get coached twice a week in judo by people who have children for a couple of hours on Saturday morning and Wednesday evening. No boozing involved and no going on tour. The adults in question are also extremely fit dedicated people.

This is not what is happening in this situation.

I think it is outrageous sexism for the OP to think that her DH ought to stop playing cricket (which is not a PT hobby FFS) now he is a father. It's as if someone said to a new mother that she ought to stop going shopping with her girlfriends now she has a baby.

can we just point out it's NOT every weekend. The cricket season is very short, and with English weather matches are often called off.

If the OP's DH was doing cricket and then straight into Rugby at the end of the Cricket season I think she'd have a damn fine point. But he's apparently only doing Cricket (and occasional golf??).

I do hope this disagreement wasn't during the family time they spent on Saturday.......

Maybe we should wait for the OP to return to clear up a few questions.

Who looks after the baby in the week?
Who does the majority of housework?
What do you do on a Sunday?
What does the OP do in terms of time off?

maktaita That was very well put, oh wise one. Which was exactly what I was trying to say. If the cricket is a problem for the OP, better to simply say that and try to talk through a solution with the DH rather than come up with a solution unilaterally and present it as the only way forward. Bound to spark an unfavourable reaction of some kind.

YANBU. My DH was in a band when DS1 was born and was away doing gigs all the time and it was bloody awful for me. I ended up feeling really depressed by being stuck in the house on my own with a screaming (he had colic) baby all the time. I think it is totally reasonable to ask for some kind of compromise, I think every second sat while the baby is very small is more than reasonable. Like you say you need time together and you need a break as well. Took a long time for my DH to realise his life was going to change now he had a baby and your DH needs to realise the same thing.

It is different Bonsoir. You have to commit to the cricket, not so to shopping. I don't know of anyone who goes shopping for 10hrs every weekend with friends once they have children. It will be fine when the dc are older and can go to watch, but it is not fun when they are toddlers trying to run on the pitch etc.

When is she supposed to go shopping with friends, or go to the cinema with friends, or get her hair cut, though? She's working during the week (so can't do it then) and he's going to be out all day on Saturday (so she can't do it then) and most things are closed on Sundays. So he is, implicitly, telling her that she ought to stop doing stuff she likes to do (or, at least, that she can only do stuff she can do accompanied by a baby) now that she has a baby. Because heaven forfend that he should cut down on the stuff he likes to do so that they can both have some free time.

I would find it really tiresome to live with someone who thought having a "passion" made them some kind of superior being that couldn't be expected to be constrained by their responsibilities (with the corollary that as a regular mortal I was only good for menial work as they demanded).

Everyone had interests. Everyone deserves time to pursue them as much as time and circumstances will allow. Even if what they want to do is watch several hours of the Jeremy Kyle Show or read the Daily Mail cover to cover. Or drink a gallon of fruitshoots

The point is that we all deserve time to be ourselves, and having a "passion" (and "family time" is twee?) for sport or music doesn't make you a better (or even more interesting) person.

Figuring out how to get all the jobs done, spend some time together, and mark out some time for doing your own thing is a difficult and delicate balance. Two adults and at least one small child all have important needs to be considered.

There is no room in this negotiation for anyone assuming they get to make the same choices they made when they had fewer responsibilities.

If someone liked to take recreational drugs when you met them, should you assume they would continue with two-day binges once you had children?

Life changes, it goes through phases. Not being prepared to change your priorities to reflect that is so childish.

I think it is outrageous sexism to suggest that a woman "going shopping with her girlfriends" is comparable to playing cricket.

How Jane and Peter can you get?

I wonder what the OP's DH would say if she said OK, he can do the cricket in the summer, but she'd like every saturday during the winter off for 10 hours and he can stay with the baby on his own.

I bet you it would last for 2 weeks before he said he wouldn't do it next week.

Bonsoir,that is exactely what he has said because if he is playing cricket every saturday when is she meant to go shopping with her girlfriends(hate that expression)without the baby,or is she meant to pay a childminder ....he of course has a free childminder

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave She can perfectly easily go shopping on a Sunday, most shops are now open 10-4 on Sundays, likewise she can go to the cinema on Sundays, or any evening of the week. As for getting her hair cut, she has every Saturday morning free to fit that in if she doesn't want to take the baby.

'Doing what, exactly, scaryteacher?

Playing sport regularly is a fabulous example to give your DCs, one of the very best things a parent can do in my book.'

Family walks/bike rides/lunch out/going to the movies/going to a museum/the park/curling up and reading together (one of the MOST important example a man can give his ds's is that reading is cool)/going off to explore new places.

Buggering off every weekend for hours on end is not a good example Bonsoir, I grew up with that and won't let my husband do it. I note that my brother does not do it either - his running is done before work, or with his boys, and his half marathons are only when convenient for his family.

Would you be happier if it was 26 Saturdays spread throughout the year ?
ie if he took up a "winter" sport.

Will he be a SAHD ?