to say to DH that a cricket match every Saturday isn't acceptable now we have a baby?

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

DH and I have been together 8 years, he's passionate about cricket and plays it (not very well, got the duck cup last season) most Saturday's during the season, meaning he's out the house from about midday until 10pm (pitch set up, match, post match drinking) plus goes on 'tour' (a p!ss up in Devon for a few days).

I said to him casually the other day that he won't really be able to do that every Saturday next season, maybe every other would be more appropriate now that we have a DD. I went on to say that I'll be back at work FT, so we need family time together, I'll help round the house and couldn't he play more golf instead which means he's only out of the house for a few hours but is still getting some exercise.

He went mad, literally couldn't believe what I was suggesting and couldn't see the problem with him being out pretty much all day Saturday! Even went onto to say 'don't try and control me, I've dumped girlfriends for less!' I was soooo shocked, we are thick as thieves normally and literally never argue, just work things through if there is a mild difference of opinion, so this really shook me, he was so vehement in his response!

When do we get family time?

When do I get c.10 hours off to do as I please?

Holly - I do agree with the others, I just didn't think that 2.30 in the morning was the time to wind you up about it when you semed quite happy.

I think you need to get it out of your head that it's your responsibility. It's just as much his responsibility and that's how you both need to look at it - why should he feel that putting the hover around is 'helping you'? I do, however, know it's a hard mindset to get out of, especially if you have grown up in a 'traditional' household - but try you must!

If you both want equality couldn't he take half the maternity leave? Then you'll see how serious he is about being equal.

Well, no, not legally (in the UK) he couldn't.

It doesn't sound like they do want equality Truck.

I just checked. The option for men to take 26 weeks paternity leave starts for children born after 3rd Aptil 2011.

I wonder how many will take this up? I would have.

I think only men who either have a really high income, or those whose partners have a really high income, will take it up, because it will be upaid, won't it?

Most couples simply won't be able to afford it.

It's still a great, wonderful option though.

I'm so pleased it's come in.

The problem for us (should we have more children, although that is the plan) is that having the first 2 children has put a big dent in my career.

So now we're in the common situation where DH "just happens" to be the higher earner, and we all (as a family) rely far more on his job than on mine.

But it's certainly something we'll think about and see if he could even take a few months of it.

What I would LOVE - not sure how flexibile it will be - would be if we could BOTH take 3 months off at the same time to be home with the children. That would be great.

Also, won't the men have the same entitlement to SMP? I know it's not much, but it really helps.

Yes, it's a start.

When SMP was first brought in for women, most couldnt' afford to take the full whack. (still can't)

But something is better than nothing, I agree. And sometimes, if a family is genuinely serious about equality, they're just going to have to take that financial hit for a bit, to ensure that his career doesn't outstrip her's so hugely that it becomes a no-brainer about whose career gets prioritised 10 years down the line.

Well that and maybe they'd consider the financial hit worth it for the Dad to get to spend that time with the children.

There are couples you read about on MN who both work 4 days a week and have other arragements like that.

These changes are are already happening.

I think even knowing you have the choice to take that time, even if you might end up not taking it up will help.

The more options a couple has to consider the better, even if their real choices are more constrained.

DH's old employers will almost certainly make it available at full pay for the 26 weeks... sigh... at least DC3 is due in February so we wouldn't qualify anyway and I don't need to rue his going self-employed.

Full pay for 26 weeks?

Wow.

Just as well he's self-employed or you'd be ruing not waiting 2 more months to have sex :o

I hope it's going well for him :)

They've always had a big diversity/equality push -- maternity leave is at full pay for at least 9 months (and may even be for 12), the current two weeks' paternity leave is at full pay, etc. And I know they'd been looking at proposals to split paid maternity leave between parents already, just it was too difficult to implement if they were the only employers doing it.

The plus side for them is that hardly anyone can afford not to go back to work after maternity leave or they'd have to pay it back (whereas with my employers, who pay only what they are legally obliged to pay, that's not a consideration). So they hang on to a lot more of their employees than they might otherwise do. And that having a reputation as a parent-friendly employer doesn't do your recruitment any harm.