to say to DH that a cricket match every Saturday isn't acceptable now we have a baby?

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

DH and I have been together 8 years, he's passionate about cricket and plays it (not very well, got the duck cup last season) most Saturday's during the season, meaning he's out the house from about midday until 10pm (pitch set up, match, post match drinking) plus goes on 'tour' (a p!ss up in Devon for a few days).

I said to him casually the other day that he won't really be able to do that every Saturday next season, maybe every other would be more appropriate now that we have a DD. I went on to say that I'll be back at work FT, so we need family time together, I'll help round the house and couldn't he play more golf instead which means he's only out of the house for a few hours but is still getting some exercise.

He went mad, literally couldn't believe what I was suggesting and couldn't see the problem with him being out pretty much all day Saturday! Even went onto to say 'don't try and control me, I've dumped girlfriends for less!' I was soooo shocked, we are thick as thieves normally and literally never argue, just work things through if there is a mild difference of opinion, so this really shook me, he was so vehement in his response!

When do we get family time?

When do I get c.10 hours off to do as I please?

We were in a similar position OP, although DH played for his FP team some distance from where we live, so even for home matches would have had to travel 1.5 hours in each direction. In the end he started playing more sporadically once DS arrived, but the consequence of this was that he stopped getting regular games and was effectively dropped unless they were short (fair enough, he never made nets so it didn't seem reasonable to give him a spot in the team over other people who were prepared to commit). This was as much his decision as mine - I was initially unhappy about the prospect of him being away all day each Saturday of the summer so don't think YABU (he's also out from 8 am - often very late Mon - Fri), but actually once DS was here he just felt he was missing out and wanted to see more of him.

He now plays for a very informal local team - evening games, the odd Sunday afternoon. It's not what he was used to but he seems happy with it - could your DH look for a team like this?

actually I can understand his anger a little.

It sounds to me like the OP had already decided what the solution was and told him. .She'd already decided that he should do more golf and less cricket and told him that instead of saying that she felt there was an issue and could they come up with a solution.

I don't know anyone who would like being told "we have a problem and this is what I think should happen"

So when do they spend any time together as a family thelibster? Or is your idea of happy family life one where everyone is pursuing their own interests and hang everyone else?

Have you ever asked your children if they enjoyed being carted off to cricket matches every weekend?

The answer to this is so simple and someone said it early on - can't understand why there is any disagreement!

It is of course absolutely fine for him to spend 10 hours a week playing cricket assuming the OP gets 10 child-free hours a week to do whatever she wants to do with her free time.

I also come from a cricket-obsessed family, but that can't be used an excuse for him to exploit her.

Before I had kids, I was obsessed with lying on the sofa reading novels for 10 hours. Do I get to do this now? No I don't, and if I did, I would give DH 10 reciprocal hours to do whatever he wants to do.

Anything less than equality is massively unreasonable, and it depresses me that women think otherwise.

Loads of sense spoken in this thread, not least by beenbeta - excellent post. i am starting to agree with everything you say (excepting politics, natch )

This is bugger all to do with cricket, it is about a daft bloke not wanting his life to change and to keep going out with the lads on the piss.

Mind you I deliberately chose NOT to be with a man who was into sport of any description as i did not want to have golf/football/rugby whatever in my life at ALL. Yes it is perfectly reasonable for people to have their own activities - DP goes dirt biking in the summer, rides his motorbike etc. But not a scheduled weekly event including other boorish twats and post match drinkies, whilst the wives make sandwiches and clean up afterwards. Fuck that for a life.

Oh, I can understand his anger too.

He is angry because he believes he is more important that his wife and child.

He is angry because he wants his own way and won't compromise.

He is angry because he is immature and spoiled.

Is it me, or does anyone find it strange that Bonsoir keeps swearing?

I don't think I've ever seen that before.

And where are all the little italic french phrases?

Is it really you Bonsoir?

And where is her trademarked passive aggressive

Every year when the football season starts I thank my lucky stars that DP couldn't care less (and during the world cup wasn't obsessed like 99% of his mates)

LadyBiscuit my children were not "carted off" to cricket matches" because my husband didn't play cricket, but, if he had, then I would have gone too and, yes, the children would have come with me. When they were small, it would have made very little difference to them whether they were playing in the garden or at the side of a cricket pitch and when they were older they could have been taken to whatever activity they preferred to do themselves instead.

I dont think anyone thinks that once you have a child, you have no right to pursue your hobbies but there has to be a balance. It's not as though the OP's husband is Alastair Cook FFS and his test career will flounder without weekly practice.

The real issue here is that if the OP's partner is playing cricket every week in the summer, that really limits her freedom to have any sort of weekend, unless she wants to sit on the sidelines and watch some cricket getting played badly- great example to set your children btw- "daddies do things and mummies watch daddies do things and clap", or as Bonsoir said she could go shopping with the baby in tow or some other sterotypically female hobby which she can effortlessly combine with baby minding- perhaps she could make some cupcakes or bunting.

Jesus, has Betty Draper joined mumsnet and nobody told me?

So you didn't ask them. I am only mentioning it because my parents assumed that we loved being taken to watch my dad play sport and we didn't. But it suited my parents to think that we enjoyed it.

I can't understand why the OP didn't see this was coming - she's been with her DH for 8 years - he is obsessed with cricket. Did she really think he would change just because he had a baby? I am always amazed that couples don't discuss these sort of issues BEFORE having a child. It's just totally ridiculous (both of you).

I agree with Bonsoir - I am delighted that my DH is sportsmad, IMO it DOES give your child a really good role model, and, fortunately as I have a DS who is equally sports obsessed they now spend all weekends out doing sport together - leaving me in peace, bliss .

I loathe the expression 'family time' - it's so yucky - visisons of miserable looking families trolling around Tesco on a Sunday.

But martha, that simple solution isn't a solution, because then there wouldn't be family time.

It's OK if you don't wnat to spend time together as a family. Which once the children are older, is possible and sometimes better. But even then, you still have to say hello them occasionally.

LoopyLoops He is angry because his DW has a problem with what he does for a hobby for 5 months of the year, not the whole year, and, instead of sitting down and talking to him about it, she has taken it upon herself to decide what will work best for her and present it as a "given" that this is therefore what he should do.

Ragwort- what if your DS had hated sport or you had a daughter? In which case you would be looking after said child whilst DH plays sport. Might feel a bit differently about it then?

My DH used to play cricket / go sailing etc. Then he met me and weekends changed a bit. Not because I forced the issue, but if he hadn't adapted, we wouldn't have seen each other.

Since we had children, we usually spend weekends with them. Sometimes we go swimming, or for a hearty walk. We often go biking / scooting in the park. We are lucky enough to go skiing (en famille) quite often. It is family time.

Since having children I have (in 6 years) had 2 sat afternoons off shopping with a girlfriend. I don't feel particularly hard done by - but I would if DH was off doing his own thing every saturday.

LadyBiscuit - they spent time on the other 7/8 months in the year for the entire weekend, and on Sundays during the few months of the year that the cricket is on. (presuming the match isn't cancelled or abandoned due to the weather in which case they get extra time). And I presume she also gets AL? For many families a 6 day working week is perfectly normal (all year round) and they seem to cope ok with having Sunday's as their family day. And if they reached compromise where he didn't commit himself to setting up for the match (so could leave later) and didn't stay for the post match piss-up then there would be all of Saturday morning for family time/shopping/hair cutting.

They appeared to manage this family time putting up the decorations the other day. So quality family time for the full weekends that are available fo

And as for the comment about recreational drugs - I for one wouldn't be getting together with someone that did that as a "pass time" in the first place. But taking that out of the equation I wouldn't get together with anyone (and definitely not marry) that has a passion that I wasn't prepared to live with.

Ragwort exactly what I said earlier. The trouble with many marriages is that women marry men expecting that they'll change, and they don't, and men marry women expecting that they won't change, and they do!

Beenbeta- I can't see how you can fit 10 hours drinking in one match this year finished at 9pm.

I have shared residency of our children. If I don't have them I can do whatever I want, 10 hours drinking on a Saturday sounds fantastic.

The OP has thought it through and come up with a compromise of still playing cricket alternate weekends. She has also made it plain by suggesting golf that she sees his need for him time and is willing to accommodate that, but not cricket every weekend; how much more reasonable does the man want, or will only total subjugation to his every wish be enough?

I wouldn't get together with someone who went on about "passions" all the time.

How unbearably tedious.

What has happened to Bonsoir? Agree Litchick.

Oh and as for the op, the man is an arse. Kick it hard.

"or if you had a daughter?"

Are we not living in 2010? What does the sex of the child have anything to do with it??

And that last post was "tongue in cheek" before anyone pounces!