to say to DH that a cricket match every Saturday isn't acceptable now we have a baby?

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

DH and I have been together 8 years, he's passionate about cricket and plays it (not very well, got the duck cup last season) most Saturday's during the season, meaning he's out the house from about midday until 10pm (pitch set up, match, post match drinking) plus goes on 'tour' (a p!ss up in Devon for a few days).

I said to him casually the other day that he won't really be able to do that every Saturday next season, maybe every other would be more appropriate now that we have a DD. I went on to say that I'll be back at work FT, so we need family time together, I'll help round the house and couldn't he play more golf instead which means he's only out of the house for a few hours but is still getting some exercise.

He went mad, literally couldn't believe what I was suggesting and couldn't see the problem with him being out pretty much all day Saturday! Even went onto to say 'don't try and control me, I've dumped girlfriends for less!' I was soooo shocked, we are thick as thieves normally and literally never argue, just work things through if there is a mild difference of opinion, so this really shook me, he was so vehement in his response!

When do we get family time?

When do I get c.10 hours off to do as I please?

well good for you Bonsoir

The op just wants her DH to reign it in a bit. He threatened to leave her because of this.

You get a grip Bonsoir - he isn't being asked to give up cricket, but to go alternate weekends, which wouldn't kill him.

My Dad used to referee football every bloody weekend and my Mum resented him and having to be left with either me, or my brother as well on a Saturday, from when we were tiny until we were about mid to late teens. He did this despite working away much of the time during the week being HM Forces.

My husband can be fairly compulsive about his non family friendly hobbies as well, but he has learned the hard way not to piss me off by doing them every weekend, especially as he did none of them before we were married.

OP YANBU at all - agree with Spidookly, but you only need to say what she said to here: Are you really planning to dump me like all those previous girlfriends if I don't go along with what you want? Because if so, can you arrange to be out of the house by next weekend?

Then, check each day if he's started his packing. He will realise that you are serious.

He's quite right to threaten to leave her because of this - her request is outrageous!

ChippingIn- I fit a quick hill walk in before breakfast every day. Ds2 trots along behind. So refreshing.

Bomsoir - it's 2010 not 1950!

Passions, hobbies - most people have them before they have a family and with a bit of consideration/compromise you can still have them - what you can't have is exactly what you had before - the freedom to do as you please, when you please... it now needs to be negotiated because BOTH parents are responsible for a tiny little person who can't look after themselves and why should it fall to the Mother while the Father swans off doing what he wants?

The OP wasn't trying to stop him FGS - she was trying to come up with a compromise and he lost his temper at the first hurdle!

No baby requires two adults to take care of it, FFS.

The OP ought to be glad her DH wants to go out so that she gets some time alone with her baby!

his comments re the gf thing were out of line, however without knowing whether they were part of a generally controlling attitude, or whether they were said in the heat of the argument (and anyone who claims they've never said anything really stupid/out of order during a row is probably lying imo) it's difficult to judge totally on it.

However, I'm intrigued by your comment that you'll help around the house. Do you not already do this?

I do also think it's a bit odd to suggest to someone that they do less of something they're passionate about in favour of something that is of less importance to them.

For me that would be like someone telling me - look I know you live for your music, but why don't you go to an art class instead as it'll take up less time outside of the house. And quite frankly if my exH had told me to do less of my music at church because it ate into too much of our weekend I'd probably have given him the boot long before I actually did. I would have been severely hacked off with him for a comment like that.

As has been mentioned the cricket season is quite short. Can you perhaps come to compromise? He does less of the staying for the after match drinks. Perhaps alternate weekends, and despite the protestations of people saying you shouldn't follow him around dutifully - perhaps go yourself occasionally. You may make some new friends yourself. And perhaps agree that any Sunday matches are out.

During the rest of the year you'll still have your family weekends to do what you want. Plus the Saturdays when a match was booked but it's called off due to the pitch being water logged.

YANBU.
This is what me and my ex died of, ultimately. He was Captain and on the committee. He netted Thursday eve, sometimes on a Friday too, played all day Saturday, all day Sunday for Cup Matches and most Bank Holidays. Then committee meetings on top. We only argued between May to September but combined with the hours we both worked, he may as well have been away at sea. We broke up and he married a local girl who adored him enough to put up with him not cutting his cricketing hours, and lets their kids spend their summers on the boundary whilst she makes the teas. What a good wife. [wife]

I'm the one who plays a time consuming team sport in our house. DH and I nearly broke up over it in our early days. I played it before I met him and he knew all about it.

Am just getting back into it after DS's birth. I won't be taking it as seriously but that's because i'm not as young and fit as I was. If the OP was the other way around maybe the tone of the posts would be different. Every saturday for a few months is not so bad. It's not all year round.

Totally crap example of fatherhood to tag around at home running around after a baby who has another parent to care for it - sure fire way to grow up spoilt.

who is looking after the DD in the week? And doing the housework?

If the OP is saying she'll "help around the house" - that indicates to me that he's already shouldering some responsibility....(unless the have a nanny and cleaner).

And I must be a tool then - as I would have (and still would) consider leaving someone if they didn't like how much time I spend at the weekends doing my music - and that's every single weekend in the year - not a 4 month season.

Well, everyone has different views about this and the OP and her DH need to figure out a situation that works for them.

My DH does a lot of triathlon training that takes up time during the week and at the weekend but he organises it so it has minimum impact on me and DD (i.e. gets up very early!). I don't mind as it means I get to spend some quality time with DD and then DH is extra-attentive the rest of the time. Personally, I wouldn't mind being left from midday on Saturday so long as that meant I got a sleep-in and the chance to have a leisurely shower that morning!!

As long as he is happy to spend a similar amount of time alone with his baby and they can figure out how to get all the housework done, then no problem!

Of course a baby doesn't need two people to look after it, and some people are happy never to spend any time with the family all together.

I don't enjoy being alone with a baby. Maybe she should also be grateful if her husband gives her the gift of lots of time alone with her Hoover?

Engage brain Bonsoir - it is not about a baby needing two people to look after it, it is about setting a precedent for the coming years.

I do object to my husband buggering off to go gliding every Saturday and Sunday in the summer precisely because he is a Dad and could be doing something constructive with our ds.

If my dh threatened to leave me because of that, the door would be held wide open, and the solicitor would be appointed forthwith and more to the point, he knows I mean it.

Fair point about it not being about cricket. DH plays in the summer and it isn't a big deal. He leaves about 13:00, and depending on the match, comes home about 19:00. It's one of the few sports he enjoys playing and it's great physical exercise.

Lots of families take a picnic and watch, have a BBQ, kids run around with plastic cricket bats etc.

Personally though, I quite enjoy having Saturday afternoons to listen to my radio programs

because the OP can clarify how much the DH currently does in terms of childcare and housework

Oh and btw - I used to go and help with the teas in the Pavilion when the cricket and rugby were on where I worked in my late teens and loved it - shoot me now (I also developed a passion fo cricket and rugby by doing so )

because=perhaps

My brain is fully engaged and I have the benefit of lots of experience here .

It will be a lot more horizon-broadening for the OP's DC to leave the house on Saturday and do fun things with other mothers and children, including going to watch DH playing cricket sometimes, that having its two parents running around after it during "family time" (WTF???).

OP YADNBU. He is being selfish and childish. Its a past time; you are his family.

Am amazed how many of you think this is okay tbh .

Baroq if you expect someone else to look after your children while you do your music then yes, you are a tool if you think they get no say in the matter.

Seems like pretty selfish behaviour to me. Whilst your baby is young (i.e. under 5!), being left on your own for that long is exhausting. Every other week sounds like a compromise as long as he realises that you are being incredibly generous taking on all childcare for him whist he does it (esp. after working all week looking after baby/paid employment) and compromises on something that gives you some time in return. I personally wouldn't want to leave my DC for that long at the weekend after not seeing them all week.

DH and I used to go to the football every home game and some away matches right up to birth of DC1. Once the first baby arrived I stopped going (no childcare) and my DH naturally wound down the amount of games he went to because he wanted to spend time with his kids. As a result I never felt like i was being taken advantage of. He always goes to most evening games as that doesn't leave me in the lurch and I can just relax in the evening.

Being left every saturday for that long so he can indulge is taking the piss frankly. You should also point out that it is he that is using controlling behaviour by using emotional blackmail (i.e. 'don't control me' comment) to take advantage of YOU.

'Totally crap example of fatherhood to tag around at home running around after a baby who has another parent to care for it - sure fire way to grow up spoilt.'

I cannot believe the shit you spout at times Bonsoir; it cannot just be because you live in Paris and are therefore divorced from reality can it?

The point is family time, so he spends non working time with his wife as well as the baby.