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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say to DH that a cricket match every Saturday isn't acceptable now we have a baby?

663 replies

HollyBollyBooBoo · 30/11/2010 03:32

DH and I have been together 8 years, he's passionate about cricket and plays it (not very well, got the duck cup last season) most Saturday's during the season, meaning he's out the house from about midday until 10pm (pitch set up, match, post match drinking) plus goes on 'tour' (a p!ss up in Devon for a few days).

I said to him casually the other day that he won't really be able to do that every Saturday next season, maybe every other would be more appropriate now that we have a DD. I went on to say that I'll be back at work FT, so we need family time together, I'll help round the house and couldn't he play more golf instead which means he's only out of the house for a few hours but is still getting some exercise.

He went mad, literally couldn't believe what I was suggesting and couldn't see the problem with him being out pretty much all day Saturday! Even went onto to say 'don't try and control me, I've dumped girlfriends for less!' I was soooo shocked, we are thick as thieves normally and literally never argue, just work things through if there is a mild difference of opinion, so this really shook me, he was so vehement in his response!

When do we get family time?

When do I get c.10 hours off to do as I please?

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 30/11/2010 08:10

You are going to get different responses to this, depending on whether the poster is a cricket fan on not.

I am not, have never understood the game or the whole "lifestyle" that goes with it.

IMO, marriage and parenting is a partnership where both put in about the same and get about the same out. Sure, there are times where one parent will be more hands but it should approximately even itself out.

If one partner is disappearing for most of the Saturday for a leisure activity, then it means that the other partner and their children suffer for it. Unless they embrace the leisure activity.

Holly
Your DH's reaction was totally OTT. I wonder if he has been getting some ribbing from his cricket mates, along the lines of "Not be long before your ball and chain stops you playing cricket, now that a baby is on the way"?

HerBeatitude · 30/11/2010 08:12

YANBU.

When do you get to spend a whole day doing something just for you?

It isn't practical to say that he should look after your DC on Sunday while you do your stuff, because although that would work in terms of both of youg etting the same amount of leisure time, where would your family time be?

Sounds like he's not very interested in being part of a family, or if he is, he wants you to be the one who takes responsibility for keeping the family together. Good luck with that.

CandlestickMaker · 30/11/2010 08:13

YABU.

Just because you have a DD doesn't mean you can control his life.

Shodan · 30/11/2010 08:13

My DH plays golf. He takes it very seriously and used to play every weekend, both days, plus sometimes one evening per week and time at the driving range.

But even he saw after a small argument that it was impractical to keep up that level of commitment while ds2 was young. He has accepted that he plays a bit less now (every other weekend plus occasional days away for competitions) but will be able to increase that as ds2 gets older and easier.

Although, he was a bit shocked that I expected equal time out of the house. That may have had something to do with his eventual compliance...

I had a friend whose DH insisted on cricket every weekend in the summer, rugby/football every weekend in winter. They never really resolved it : he still plays and she still fells resentful of it. Who knows where that will end up.

MrsTumbles · 30/11/2010 08:13

My DH loves cricket, it chills him out and lets him be all competitive. I try to like cricket, but anything more than a 20/20 game does bore me to death!
When DD was born we took her to one of his Sunday games. It didn't really work and as DH only has one day off a week he decided to stop his Sunday games and now during the season plays every other Wednesday evening.
We all go on his Cricket tour (to Dorset) and even though only a couple of 'WAGs' go and we are the only one with a young child, I actually really enjoy it and that's because Hubby plays Cricket, we play on the beach :) He is so 'greatful' that when he's not playing he spends the rest of the time on the trip spoiling us rotten Grin
I don't think you are unreasonable asking him not to play every Saturday, but if he insists, then you insist on him spoiling you every Sunday

HerBeatitude · 30/11/2010 08:14

This isn't about cricket, it could be about anything.

Do the cricket lovers think it would be reasonable for him to go train-spotting every Saturday? It's exactly the same - the principal is that he is putting his hobby above spendign time with his family.

Which is fine, if you want to have that very semi detached type of family life, and if the OP also gets to spend a day a week doing something she loves, away from the children.

It's not fine, if she wants them to spend time together as a family.

HerBeatitude · 30/11/2010 08:15

Oh and him saynig he's dumped gf's for less, is him telling you that he'll dump you if you don't fall in with his wishes.

And people are calling you controlling, OP.

Hmm
thelibster · 30/11/2010 08:20

Wow, my post was meant to be light-hearted! TBH you're either a cricket maniac or you're not (it's a Marmite thing) and if you're not, well, think long and hard before marrying someone who is. Cricket isn't all year round, it's seasonal. We're only talking April to August here. (Less that half the Saturdays in the year!) It's a team sport and a team is a team, the poster who's DH plays every other game is very lucky to have such an understanding captain is all I can say. BaggedandTagged, I live in this century which is as imperfect as the last century. Given that I love cricket, I would have been extremely happy to have a cricketing husband and would have revelled in "spending my w/e trailing round, applauding my spouse and making the tea". Of course I would have received as much criticism for my choice from such as you as I would from other quarters 50 years ago had I not supported my spouse. ]hmm]

The OP mentioned that her husband could play more golf. I, personally, wouldn't be encouraging that. My Ex H is a golfer and my experience of having young children is that he was out just as much on a Saturday as he would have been had he been playing cricket and I didn't have the option of bundling up the DC and joining him.

Just my opinion though, no need for anyone to "have a pop".

ChippingIn · 30/11/2010 08:21

Shodan - when do you fit in your hillwalking?

Grin

Candlestickmaker - you are so right!! & that is exactly why HollyBoo was trying to discuss it with him and find a compromise - or do you actally think it's fine for him to bugger off every Saturday leaving her home alone with the baby with no family time or time for herself?

MmeLindt · 30/11/2010 08:27

I agree with HerBeatitude.

It is not about cricket, it is about an overconsuming hobby that is detrimental to the family life.

My DH loves classic cars. He would go to a different classic car meeting every other weekend in the summer if he could. He doesn't because he realises that there would be too little time for the family.

We compromise. I don't mind the outdoor shows so we go to a couple a year. DS enjoys them, DD not so much.

spidookly · 30/11/2010 08:34

These are things you need to say to him:

1 are you really planning to dump me like all those previous girlfriends if I don't go along with what you want? Because if so, can you arrange to be out of the house by next weekend? Just like you I have no desire to be controlled. If your threat is genuine I want you to go. If it is just to scare me into submission I want you to apologise and never pull that kind of abusive, dismissive bullshit again.

After he has accepted that it is appalling (and deeply shameful) to threaten the mother of his child with being treated like previous girlfriends if she doesn't behave, then

2 sit down with paper and pen and work out how summer weekends will work: all the jobs that need doing (including childcare) evenly divided, then 10 hours child-free time out of the home for each of you. See if you can make the time stack up in a way that doesn't destroy family life

3 make sure he gets it through his thick skull that it is more controlling for him to leave you with no free time because of childcare than it is for you to ask him to pull his weight at home. You have joint responsibility for something that needs constant care, 24 hours. That means the days of just deciding to do as you please are over until those responsibilities diminish.

HumphreyCobbler · 30/11/2010 08:36

Every other saturday seems like an entirely acceptable compromise.

Saying that he has dumped girlfriends for less is twattishness of the highest order.

clam · 30/11/2010 08:38

Good post, spidookly!

TryLikingClarity · 30/11/2010 08:41

I also don't think this is about cricket, or any other sport.

It is about Holly wanting her DH to be an equal parent to their DC and for her DH to support all family ventures.

She isn't asking him to never leave the house without her again, or to totally quit any leisure activity. What she is doing is trying to find a common ground compromise.

A male family member of mine has an intense hobby which takes him all over the country pretty much every weekend and some nights during the week. I have seen his wife turn into a shadow because of her resentment and her inability to say anything to him. As long as he is happy he couldn't give a hoot about her or anyone else. Is a disgrace to behold. (Don't want to give details in case I 'out' myself in RL).

For what it's worth, OP - YANBU.

HumphreyCobbler · 30/11/2010 08:41

yy spidookly

Bonsoir · 30/11/2010 08:42

I don't think that being a father to one baby is a reason to be forced to give up cricket. Get a grip.

BellaBearisWideAwake · 30/11/2010 08:47

my dad plays a lot of cricket. He hardly played from when I was born till when my younger sister was about 4 or 5. He then started again, and we didn't see him either saturday or sunday afternoon for most of the summer, unless we went away somewhere. but he realised it was reasonable to be around with very young children and that he could play cricket later. He's 62 and still plays, so he's had 30 years since then (and about fifteen years before).

I think you are being very reasonable indeed.

BellaBearisWideAwake · 30/11/2010 08:48

spidookly is very sensible

muddleduck · 30/11/2010 08:48

what spidookly said Grin

HumphreyCobbler · 30/11/2010 08:49

Bonsoir, she hasn't asked him to give up cricket.

You should read the OP properly

onceamai · 30/11/2010 08:53

On balance I think this is about accepting your partner for what they are. When DH and I got married, I knew that he would always spectate or play either cricket or football at weekends. I have never had a problem with that. I have supported him and also have taken the opportunity to do some of the things I want to do when he is doing his "thing". It's a partnership - we knew what we were entering and we have made it work. It have proved very beneficial. DS is a talented sportman and his father DH had been able to give him the sort of support and encouragement I would not have been able to do and has probably also helped him raise his game in at least one area to county level. DD is musical and I can help her with that. DS is also musical but gave up at grade 5 to focus on sport. DD hates sport.

thelibster · 30/11/2010 08:54

People have passions, fact. The OP knew that her DH was passionate about cricket before she married him. The second paragraph of the OP does actually sound controlling and not a little patronising tbh. The point is that these are matters that should have been discussed prior to TTC and whilst his reaction was OTT and he certainly shouldn't have used the "left other g/f" in that manner I can totally understand why he was feeling angry.

Bonsoir · 30/11/2010 08:56

My DP plays tennis (every weekend), skis in winter and flies planes in summer. All those things take a lot of time. I wouldn't dream of preventing him from doing any of them because he was a father. I have happily cared for DD and the DSSs on my own so that my DP can enjoy his hobbies.

RockinRobinBird · 30/11/2010 08:57

My brother plays on Saturdays. A lot of the time he plays on Sundays as well. He works long hours and has three children. He is a lovely brother but I hold him up to dh as an example of how not to be a father. His children will barely remember him :(

But you do get paid for making cricket teas Wink

coolma · 30/11/2010 08:58

My dh used to be a professional cricketer and now plays for a local team every Saturday from May to September. . He now takes our 10 year old ds with hiim, so it gives me and dd4 time together. He's done it since they were babies and, yes, at times, it's pissed me off. However, I go swwiming four times a week in the evenings, and would not countenance him telling me I can't do that. Of course, if there has been a proble, (me ill for example) he hasn't played, but on the whole I would never stop him!