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AIBU?

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Original poster

to say to DH that a cricket match every Saturday isn't acceptable now we have a baby?

663 replies

HollyBollyBooBoo · 30/11/2010 03:32

DH and I have been together 8 years, he's passionate about cricket and plays it (not very well, got the duck cup last season) most Saturday's during the season, meaning he's out the house from about midday until 10pm (pitch set up, match, post match drinking) plus goes on 'tour' (a p!ss up in Devon for a few days).

I said to him casually the other day that he won't really be able to do that every Saturday next season, maybe every other would be more appropriate now that we have a DD. I went on to say that I'll be back at work FT, so we need family time together, I'll help round the house and couldn't he play more golf instead which means he's only out of the house for a few hours but is still getting some exercise.

He went mad, literally couldn't believe what I was suggesting and couldn't see the problem with him being out pretty much all day Saturday! Even went onto to say 'don't try and control me, I've dumped girlfriends for less!' I was soooo shocked, we are thick as thieves normally and literally never argue, just work things through if there is a mild difference of opinion, so this really shook me, he was so vehement in his response!

When do we get family time?

When do I get c.10 hours off to do as I please?

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 30/11/2010 09:28

Doing what, exactly, scaryteacher?

Playing sport regularly is a fabulous example to give your DCs, one of the very best things a parent can do in my book.

GiddyPickle · 30/11/2010 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheeseandGherkins · 30/11/2010 09:30

So if he continues going out every Saturday day and night and you go out all day and night Sunday (fair is fair after all), then where would the family time weekend be? Why should the woman have to give up her time so that dh can play with his friends?

Does he lie in on the Sunday too after drinking Sat night?

I think that every other week is more than enough when you have a family and it's not about needing 2 people to look after a child/baby it's also being there for each other and enjoying time as a family. Does he not want to spend time as a family? Sounds quite selfish to me expecting you to do it all and I would expect him to be quite happy with you swanning off every Sunday all day and evening, good enough for him it's good enough for you.

HumphreyCobbler · 30/11/2010 09:31

coming to a compromise when there is a difference of opinion, and being unselfish are also brilliant ways of giving a good example to your DC.

BaroqinAroundTheChristmasTree · 30/11/2010 09:31

well I dump them in the church creche and Sunday school on the Sunday mornings. But other times I usually have to get a babysitter as I have no DP/DH. But yes - if I had a DP/DH then I would be expecting them to support me in my passion and look after the DS's - as I would look after the DS's while they were doing their "thing"

I look after them the rest of the time - why the hell shouldn't I be able to do something that I live for a couple of hours a week (which probably equates to the same length of time - maybe more actually = the OP's DH spends on his cricket for a couple of months of the year) or am I meant to be chained to my kids?

Bonsoir · 30/11/2010 09:31

I don't see any trampling going on here - the DH has played cricket all his life and cannot for the life of him see why this should stop because he has a baby. Quite right! It is no example to your DCs to stop living and devote all your time outside work to them.

pottonista · 30/11/2010 09:34

Imagine if the OP had said 'I play a sport that demands commitment from me all day every Saturday. I've played it since long before I got married. But since we had DD my DH has started hinting that I should reduce my commitment or give it up.'

There would be howls of outrage that this DH could be so mean and controlling, wanting his DW to stay at home with the baby all the time.

FFS, it's only in the summer. This is obviously important to him. Though I'm not suggesting you become a cricket widow, there's a lot of space between trailing around making the tea like a 1950's clone, and obstructing someone's passion in the name of 'family time'. I think you are both being a bit U, and you should compromise on him curtailing the pissups and guaranteeing you a Saturday or Sunday out of the house to do something you love on weekends outside the cricket season.

thelibster · 30/11/2010 09:35

BagfHolly sounds as if the OP's DH is investing far less of his free time in cricket than your DH did though. Even an ardent cricket fan like me thinks that was a bit much when the children were small. He could have stepped down as captain I think, at least. I notice that the OP has not been back to clarify whether or not her DH is a SAHD or not but saying that she will be going back to work FT and that she will help around the house does suggest that he may be? If this is so then he really does deserve a few hours to himself a week as most of us who have been SAHM for any length of time will testify, no matter how much you love your babies it's so easy to lose sight of yourself as a person at this time. Regardless of that fact I am puzzled that a FT working mum doesn't relish the opportunity of a few hours alone with her DD each week tbh.

Mobly · 30/11/2010 09:36

He's basically saying that cricket is more important than you/his family. He needs to sort out his priorities now or lose the option. I wouldn't back down on this one and I wouldn't put up with being emotionally blackmailed- comply or I will dump you. Who does he think he is? Catch of the century?

SirBoobAlot · 30/11/2010 09:36

Its not about the cricket, its not even about "family time", its about the assumption that his life will carry on exactly as before. Everyone has to make sacrifices when they become parents, and if you're not prepared to make those, then maybe you are not ready to fulfil that role.

LadyBiscuit · 30/11/2010 09:38

Really Bonsoir? You think it's a fabulous example for children to learn that their entire weekends revolve around the father's wishes?

I grew up like that and it was fucking shit. I think it's an atrocious example to set to children

nameymcnamechange · 30/11/2010 09:40

As someone who only has very limited "family time" (somehow I hate that phrase, it sounds so twee) because my dh works most weekends, certainly every Saturday of the football season, can I just say that all of you being together all the time at the weekend often isn't all its cracked up to be Smile.

You are both being U and need to find a compromise.

HumphreyCobbler · 30/11/2010 09:40

I don't think for a minute there would be howls of outrage if the position of the sexes were reversed.

Truckulent · 30/11/2010 09:41

I play cricket every Saturday and my son now plays in the same team. I must go and tell our Netball section off for playing every week.

I don't know any cricket or sports team that would survive with players playing every other week. And if players stopped playing because they had children we wouldn't have anyone to coach our junior Cricket, football or Netball sections, so the children would miss out.

BaroqinAroundTheChristmasTree · 30/11/2010 09:42

Final word - as my housework is sitting glaring at me and about to pounce on me I think Blush

I would never consider getting together with anyone that wanted me to change who I am, and what I love. There is still plenty of time around my music stuff to have a family life/relationship with a partner.

anyone getting together with me will know that (exH did - and although we had issues in the later years of our marriage - that was never one of them he never once brought it up and even offered to continue doing some of the childcare for the times when I need babysitter after split..........that never actually happened because he's a twat and rather unreliable now we're no longer together -but he knew....... )

BeenBeta · 30/11/2010 09:42

MmeLindt - your are spot on.

"Your DH's reaction was totally OTT. I wonder if he has been getting some ribbing from his cricket mates, along the lines of "Not be long before your ball and chain stops you playing cricket, now that a baby is on the way"?"

Lets be clear. This is not about cricket or a bloke wanting a few hours to unwind with some physical activity. It is all about clinging on to his youth and going drinking with his mates every Saturday. Been there, seen it and find it pathetic.

There are loads of great sports to take up that provide a lot more pysical activity than cricket. He could play only evening games, not go on tour, not play away games.

Sorry but my sister is in a relationship with a bloke who is a 'man child' like this. He picks her up and puts her down as he pleases when he isnt pursuing his sporting interests.

Cyclebump · 30/11/2010 09:44

I'm watching this thread with interest.

DP is captain of the local amateur rugby team and plays every Saturday without fail. DC1 is due beginning of April, tour is the end of May. I'm planning to go to France to stay with my parents then anyway so don't begrudge him going.

However, I am wondering about the coming year. I start back as a music teacher on Saturdays (8am-1pm) in September. Hmmmmm

YANBU to expect him to cut down, especially if a lot of the hours are spent drinking etc, but I reckon the cricket is there to stay. I've already told DP I will expect an open invitation to watch him play (with baby) and that if there's a crisis, baby comes first.

taintedsnow · 30/11/2010 09:44

Bonsoir, you can't be for real?

The OP isn't asking her DH to stop playing altogether, she's asking for a reasonable compromise, one that is so reasonable, she assumed it was a given. And for a family-orientated man, it would've been a given. Priorities should change when you have children. Your children are more important than cricket.

She shouldn't have to be a doormat, having to be the little wifey while her DH goes off for his time with the boys. You have a baby, you spend time together as a family. It's sad that OP's DH doesn't get that. And instead makes childish threats that you'd expect from a teenager. What a twat.

BaroqinAroundTheChristmasTree · 30/11/2010 09:45

actually OP - on another note - I think I'm going to take out of your leaf from Saturday (sorry was having a quick look to see if I could see mentioned of the working/childcare thing not stalking Grin). I'm going to buy a bottle of Bailey's and have a glass when the DS's and I put the decorations up - because your afternoon on Saturday sounds like heaven.

venusandmars · 30/11/2010 09:47

OK, his response was wrong. OTT and wrong.

But here is someone with a passion - so much of a passion that he continues to play even though he isn't very good at it. That is a strong drive and of course he is going to be upset when that is threatened.

It sounds as though the situation was posed as a unilateral solution to an undefined problem i.e. the dh 'can never have the same involvement with cricket again, now that they have a family'. It does not sound as though the op or dh considered (or discussed) that as a consequence of having a family, so it is not surprising that it has come as a shock. To the dh it probably makes as much sense os someone suggesting you watch alternate episodes of X-factor, or watching Songs of Praise instead of The Sopranos.

Perhaps the op could be more specific about the nature of the problems that she anticipates, and the outcomes she would like to achieve. e.g. "it takes four hours to do the housework and shopping at weekends, how will we share that responsibility between us?" or "I feel it is important for us to spend at least 3 hours altoghther as a family, just having fun, not doing chores, how can we build that into our weekend?".

Then the dh could come up with his own suggestions for how he manages his cricket time, ways that he will have chosen, rather than feeling they are imposed.

And of course the things that are difficult will change over time depending on the age, interests and number of children in the family. Op and dh will need to work out ways of being flexible every season to respond to that.

thelibster · 30/11/2010 09:48

Well said Truckulent.

LadyBiscuit · 30/11/2010 09:48

You're wrong Humphrey - I don't care if it's the mother or the father - when you both only have two days off a week, you agree between you how you will spend them, one partner doesn't dictate what they will do.

I don't get this English male obsession with playing sport really badly. It's not about fitness, it's about pretending you're Freddie Flintoff. It's pathetic

Litchick · 30/11/2010 09:48

If a person works long hours duing the week and sees very little of their partner and child, then I would consider it extraordinarily odd if they didn't want to sepnd much of their free time with their partner and children.

That is not to say they must spend every waking free second on family time (DH, I'm looking at you mate).

One must retain some semblence of old self, of course, but there has to be balance. And family must take priority I feel.

Truckulent · 30/11/2010 09:49

Beenbeta- Oops I'm pathetic and a man-child then.
So all people who play a certain type of sport who have children are this are they?

40deniertights · 30/11/2010 09:50

The issue here is that he was not even prepared to have a civil conversation about it like a grown up. My DH used to play cricket. It used to annoy me that they didn't start earlier in the day. If they started at 10am they would be done by 6pm and you would have the evening at least. I minded the evening more than the day. Fortunately I did not have to even ask- DH knew it was unreasonable. It is about practical things as well, not just "family time". Maybe it would be nice to do a food shop without taking the baby. Maybe one of them needs to do housework while the other minds dd. In a few years it will be nice for the OP to go to watch and support, but while dc are tiny or worse, toddlers, it's not fun.