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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seeing both sides

365 replies

newwave · 22/11/2010 21:46

I am a regular exerciser and tend to watch my diet so when a friend of mine who had not been to the gym for a very long time called me and asked me if I was going on Saturday I said yes and she said she would see me there. This surprised me as at one time she had been a regular but had stopped about three years ago saying that at 47 she had grown fed up with the gym and dieting.

Later I asked her why she was back and she said her DH of over 25 years had said: "I didn?t marry you to end up with a fat blob and you need to sort yourself out" bit harsh I suppose but she had ballooned from a trim 10 to a wobbly 16.

She told me he had been getting upset about her size for a while and admitted it was due to getting a bit lazy.

I consoled her said the right things but AIBU in thinking her DH had a point.

BTW her DH is very fit for a man in his fifties, running, and golf. Still plays football.

OP posts:
Niceguy2 · 22/11/2010 21:48

DH has a point but lets just say he shouldn't give up his day job to be a diplomat!

PamelaFlitton · 22/11/2010 21:50

YANBU, kind of. I think it's unrealistic to expect your partner to automatically accept all physical changes. It's different if it's something you really can't help, like a medical problem, but if it's just a matter of eating too much and not being arsed with the gym then you can't accept total understanding.

However, it was mean to say 'fat blob', that is not going to make her feel nice about herself. I guess better to just come out with it than be passive-aggressive though Confused

BonniePrinceBilly · 22/11/2010 21:51

Why does he have a point? Since when is it up to him how she looks?

he may have an opinion on how she looks and he may find her less attractive than before, but its her body and her choice.

BelleDeJure · 22/11/2010 21:52

To come over all zen - motivation comes from within. If she's doing it to please someone else it won't last - but if she is miserable about her weight/appearance herself then she should be doing it for herself. There's plenty of stories about wives losing a lot of weight having been nagged by the husbands and then suddenly, confronted by the fear that their wife is now attractive to other men (in their own minds - the husbands that is) crapping themselves and trying to feed them up. So long as Mr Fit is with the kids then your friend can also fit in some steam room and jacuzzi time too.

ps I would specifically draft my marriage vows to include 'through fat and thin' on the basis of my yo-yoing through the years.

Mumcentreplus · 22/11/2010 21:59

'through fat and thin' Grin

AnyFucker · 22/11/2010 22:03

I feel sorry for your friend that she has been forced into doing something she clearly hates

He sounds like an ignorant twat, to me

My response to that comment of his would be to buy a kingsize Mars Bar and eat it right in front of him, whilst commenting negatively on the low-lying hang of his ball bag

fedupofnamechanging · 22/11/2010 22:07

To speak to her like that is so very disrespectful and unkind. Hardly the words of a loving husband. If she wants to ditch some weight, I suggest she gets a divorce!

thisisyesterday · 22/11/2010 22:07

well no, actually i don't think he has a point

if she was so obese that it was affecting her health... then yes, i think he could kindly suggest that perhaps she needs to lose some weight

but she is a size 16 ffs! that's not really fat is it?
is it?

and to say to someone "I didn?t marry you to end up with a fat blob and you need to sort yourself out"
is actually pretty vile

i'd have assumed he married her because he loved her, not because she was a size 10 Hmm
twat

SkyBluePearl · 22/11/2010 22:17

I understand him wanting her to be healthy and to reach old age/be mobile but he does sound rather rude.

Original poster
newwave · 22/11/2010 22:19

TBH I think Pamela got it about right.

Is size 16 fat, I dont know, is it, depends on a lot of other factors, I am 5ft 7inches and if I got above a 10 I would be well pissed off with myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
newwave · 22/11/2010 22:23

Sky, Although I am not certain but I think he had tried the olblique method and just verbally lost it, she did say she was eating sweets when he said it.

TBH he is a nice guy at least in public and they have brought up two nice (now adult) kids and have in the past seemed happy together.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 22/11/2010 22:24

"She told me he had been getting upset about her size for a while" - is it possible he was aware of her being upset, and said what he did/how he did to kickstart her, knowing her well enough to know that that was what it would take?

Niceguy2 · 22/11/2010 22:27

I'm going to get shot for this but yes, in my opinion size 16 is fat. No doubt I'll now get accused again of being a sexist woman-hater and someone will ask if they are 7ft 6 and a size 16 would I still think they are fat.

That said, being fat is not a license for your husband (or anyone else for that matter) to be rude to you.

Newwave, I'd suggest if your friend wants to lose weight that she needs a diet more than she needs a gym. A gym is a very poor way to lose weight.

Original poster
newwave · 22/11/2010 22:28

"He had" not "she had" he was getting upset.

In the past she had been a gym regular for many years I never did fathom why she stopped so suddenly.

OP posts:
TheBigZing · 22/11/2010 22:29

He sounds charming. Hmm

And you sound very judgemental.

Why don't you go and worry about maintaining your own perfect figure and stop passing judgement on hers?

And if you were any kind of friend you'd tell her that her dh is seriously out of order to speak to her like that. If he truly loved her he wouldn't care if she put on a bit of weight. At size 16 she's not even putting her health at risk.

Original poster
newwave · 22/11/2010 22:30

Niceguy, She used to be very health concious and know what to do if she really wants to get back in shape :0

OP posts:
Lynli · 22/11/2010 22:31

I hope he goes bald.

Then she can ridicule him.

SalFresco · 22/11/2010 22:34

he had been getting upset about her size for a while - not her. Unless it's a typo.

The husband sounds like a cock. And YABU.

SalFresco · 22/11/2010 22:35

Lynli Grin

"I didn't marry you to end up with a slap head. Sort your combover out"

borderslass · 22/11/2010 22:38

He's a grade one arse I was a size 8 when I met DH 21 years ago and did balloon to a 22 but I am back to a 10-12 and DH never once commented on my size he was happy as long as I was.

AnyFucker · 22/11/2010 22:41

new wave...you are projecting your obsession with the pursuit of your own perfect figure onto someone else

I don't like the sound of you

That poor woman....you "can't understand why she just stopped going to the gym" Hmm

perhaps she got sick of doing something she hated ? A pointless round of treadmill-pounding to "keep her man ?

ith friends like these....

PercyPigPie · 22/11/2010 22:41

I think she should be putting her money towards a divorce lawyer, not wasting it on gym membership! What a tit!

PamelaFlitton · 22/11/2010 22:41

I know that DP would think I was fat if I was over a size 10-12 (I am middling height). If it was genuinely not my fault like a thyroid or something, I am sure that he wouldn't say anything and would try not to let it bother him. But if it was just from eating and not exercising I think he would be frustrated at my laziness tbh

AnyFucker · 22/11/2010 22:41

*with

AnyFucker · 22/11/2010 22:46

Pamela...do you think that a fitting reason to restrict your weight ?

because your husband wouldn't like it ?

what will you do if your metabolism starts to slow down as you age ?

exist on a lettuce leaf and do 35 miles on the treadmill every day ?

some women put weight on

lots of blokes do too

if it is within healthy limits and doesn't limit their lifestyle, I would call any man who put stipulations on what my dress size should be a controlling arsehole