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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seeing both sides

365 replies

newwave · 22/11/2010 21:46

I am a regular exerciser and tend to watch my diet so when a friend of mine who had not been to the gym for a very long time called me and asked me if I was going on Saturday I said yes and she said she would see me there. This surprised me as at one time she had been a regular but had stopped about three years ago saying that at 47 she had grown fed up with the gym and dieting.

Later I asked her why she was back and she said her DH of over 25 years had said: "I didn?t marry you to end up with a fat blob and you need to sort yourself out" bit harsh I suppose but she had ballooned from a trim 10 to a wobbly 16.

She told me he had been getting upset about her size for a while and admitted it was due to getting a bit lazy.

I consoled her said the right things but AIBU in thinking her DH had a point.

BTW her DH is very fit for a man in his fifties, running, and golf. Still plays football.

OP posts:
WriterofDreams · 22/11/2010 23:27

I think this totally depends on how she felt about the whole thing really. If it seemed like she was taking her husband's comments on the chin and was simply relating them to her own dissatisfaction about her size then I'd say no harm done. Some partners (especially those who have been together a long time) are quite harsh with each other verbally but it's not abusive or mean as they are equally able to stand up to one another and there is enough mutual respect for it not to be an issue.

On the other hand, if she is feeling very ashamed and upset because she feels her husband finds her hideous and unattractive then it is totally unacceptable. Since they've been together for so long he should be easily able to see what would upset her and if he said that knowing it would make her feel like shit, then he is a twat who needs good kicking.

FWIW, I tend to be a bit gassy and DH often calls me "stinky" and asks if I'm ever going to wash. This is purely a joke between us and doesn't hurt at all. However, if he made some comment about how I dress or my weight then I'm sure it would hurt as I am far more sensitive about these things. He has the good sense to know that and would never mention anything about them.

Original poster
newwave · 22/11/2010 23:29

Chaotic, why, I am more than happy with DP, 25 plus years of shared experience, good and bad with both shared and seperate interests. Far to much to risk for a silly moment

OP posts:
ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 22/11/2010 23:30

newwave "Quite right but the dinner parties, the rock concerts and festivals, the holidays, the theatre, is"

And there was me thinking the lack of those in my life was to do with a lack of money and not my weight Hmm

fruitstick · 22/11/2010 23:30

We are all real people you know.

You had an unkind opinion which you thought worth sharing with us, expecting us all to chunter bewilderment in unison.

The thought was bitchy, the action was bitchy. You courted my opinion and I have given it.

My best friend is ridiculously slim and health conscious and if I ever thought for a moment she was talking about me like that, online or off, she'd be ditched quicker than she could say krispy kreme

AnyFucker · 22/11/2010 23:31

nw, you are projecting again Hmm

Original poster
newwave · 22/11/2010 23:32

Chaotic, please explain your logic, I am responding to your posts here, I have no knowlege of your personal circumstances.

Am I missing something with you?

OP posts:
ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 22/11/2010 23:32

OP, I was talking about your friend and being facetious, I didn't seriously mean she should run off with a toyboy. You're not your friend are you? Confused

ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 22/11/2010 23:38

Okay x posts here.

My first two posts were about your friend's dh being a dickhead (from your description) and I made a, admittedly poor, joke that your friend should find a toyboy. That last bit wasn't serious btw, I don't advocate breaking up a marriage just because your friend's dh was, imo, out of order with what he said.

The post about the activities that you mentioned I thought you were saying that her losing weight somehow contributed to being able to do these activities.

I'll go away and stop confusing everyonem, including myself.

Original poster
newwave · 22/11/2010 23:40

Fruit, so every time I have a negative thought about someone I am being bitchy [hmmm]

Yes you are real people and I am using you as a sounding board I am not to concerned if you agree or disagree I just courted your opinions, it is worth seeing things from a point of view I had not considered before.

OP posts:
Original poster
newwave · 22/11/2010 23:41

Chaotic. "confused myself" been there, done that. :o

OP posts:
ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 22/11/2010 23:43

Trust me, I'm an expert at it Grin

TheBigZing · 22/11/2010 23:44

Chaotic, you're not confusing me. I also noticed the implication that those were activities that only gym bunnies can enjoy.

OP, not knowing any of us does not cancel out the bitchiness of sharing your 'opinion' with us.

TheBigZing · 22/11/2010 23:47

And I still don't understand your bewilderment.

Or your lack of outrage at how your friend's husband spoke to her.

Original poster
newwave · 22/11/2010 23:56

Zing, don?t be daft there is a small group of couples including the DF who do most of these things together and they are not all gym bunnies.

My bewilderment is at her letting herself go in the first place and her change of heart now, I see he regularly and this came out of the blue.

As for her DH things are said in the heat of the moment and tbh he had a point, badly put, but a point, even DF doesn?t deny it just his manner.

As for the bitchy thing your just plain wrong, accept it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/11/2010 00:18

"letting herself go" Hmm

like I said, with friends like these...

AnyFucker · 23/11/2010 00:20

OP, I think you have actually had an easy ride on this thread

Gawd knows why, because it's women like you who go along with twattish men to put other women down that contribute to making people feel shit about themselves

Well done you, and all your gym bunny (false, gimlet-eyed) mates

midori1999 · 23/11/2010 00:22

May you and your friend's DH should get together? It sounds like you'd suit each other... Hmm

I have put on weight since I met my DH. 2 1/2 stone approx. I know he prefers me slimmer, but he would never, ever say it as it's not any of his business what dress size I am. I prefer me slimmer. However, I am a lot less actie than I used to be, although still pretty active.

I HATE the gym, it's so mind numbingly boring and that is time out of my life I can never get back. I understand why peope don't like to go, there are better ways to get fit.

TheBigZing · 23/11/2010 00:23

OP you judge your friend for 'letting herself go' and being a 'wobbly 16' even though she explained that she had had enough of diets and exercise. You are no friend on this count.

You support the opinion of her husband that she is obliged maintain the figure she had when they married, and you fail to be outraged at his abusive remarks to her about how she looks. You are no friend on this count.

You can't understand why she suddenly wants to lose weight. You must be monumentally stupid not to see that her husband has massively undermined her confidence and the only thing she feels she can do is to try to win his approval by losing weight. And you are no friend on this count.

I'm glad you're not a friend of mine.

I accept that I got it wrong about the activities. But it's the smugness of your posts that made it seem that way.

As for the bitchiness - no I will not accept I am wrong. You are being bitchy about your friend. It's none of your (or her husband's) business what she weighs or how often she changes her mind about it. To comment about it ('wobbly 16', 'fat blob', 'let herself go') to anyone is bitchy.

I'm done with this thread. I feel Sad for your friend.

AnyFucker · 23/11/2010 00:25

< links wobbly arms with zing and goes off to slob on sofa with a packet of digestives >

Original poster
newwave · 23/11/2010 00:32

AF , If her DH had asked my opinion I would have told him he was wrong even if I thought he had a point.

Yes "let herself go" what other description would you use, if you are not ill in any way or depressed you don?t go from a fit 10 to a wobbly 16 in three years without under exercising and/or over eating however as surprised as I was I never once commented about it.

I don?t consider Gym Bunny a pejorative term, the endorphin high at the end of a good session is awesome at times and the self confidence from looking and feeling good is great. No bingo wings, no muffin top (not that I would wear a crop top at my age) and a good definition is a good thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
newwave · 23/11/2010 00:38

Zing.I am the one who will be at her side giving encouregment to her as she sets out on her path and if she tells me she does not want to carry on later I will support her in that as well, I will however have my opinion on the matter which will never be uttered to her.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/11/2010 00:38

A good thing ? Maybe.

The be-all and end-all ? Nope. A stick to beat other women with ? Nope again. A reason to be dismissive and judgemental about your so-called friends ? Double nope.

Size 16 is not exactly elephantine. A sense of perspective (on your part) would be kinder to your friend.

BreconBeBuggered · 23/11/2010 00:39

Jeez, can I come to the slob sofa too? I've got crisps.
In my thirties I was a size 10, ate loads. In my forties it's nearer a 16, even though I more or less do and eat the same things. DH isn't the lithe young thing I married any more than I am. So what? If being thinner means curtailing the pleasures of food and drink, I'll leave it to someone else, thanks. If your friend really wants to lose weight, OP, I think she could do with the support of more understanding friends than you.

Original poster
newwave · 23/11/2010 00:44

AF, how have I beat other woman, having an opinion is not judgemental unless it is used against someone. Dismissive, hardly, I have (for the twenty years I have known her) always been there for her and she for me.

Even when she asked if I thought she was fat I talked around it so as not to upset her.

A good thing ? Maybe. whats the downside?

16 is big on a woman of 5ft 6inches imo

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/11/2010 00:47

nw, have a digestive Biscuit Smile