Seeing both sides

[newwave]

I am a regular exerciser and tend to watch my diet so when a friend of mine who had not been to the gym for a very long time called me and asked me if I was going on Saturday I said yes and she said she would see me there. This surprised me as at one time she had been a regular but had stopped about three years ago saying that at 47 she had grown fed up with the gym and dieting.

Later I asked her why she was back and she said her DH of over 25 years had said: "I didn?t marry you to end up with a fat blob and you need to sort yourself out" bit harsh I suppose but she had ballooned from a trim 10 to a wobbly 16.

She told me he had been getting upset about her size for a while and admitted it was due to getting a bit lazy.

I consoled her said the right things but AIBU in thinking her DH had a point.

BTW her DH is very fit for a man in his fifties, running, and golf. Still plays football.

"men are more motivated by visual things"

that old chestnut ?

how does that explain the fact that most normal and well-mannered men would never dream of commenting unfavourably on their loved one's appearance

and tht many of them don't even notice if you gain a few pounds/go up a couple of dress sizes

hypercritical men...you can keep them, thanks, there is something fundamentally "unmanly" about 'em

MQ I think there's a big difference between the first flush of attraction you get with someone new and the feelings you have for someone you've been with for a long time. Also physical attraction, I believe, is very unstable. For example, men that I have found attractive purely because of the way they look have become much less attractive once I discover they are not very nice people. Conversely, men who might not instantly attract me looks-wise become much more attractive once they reveal themselves to be kind, decent people.

I think if you truly love someone their looks don't matter that much. My DH is very handsome but really I just see him for who he is and it only hits home once again how good looking he is when someone else mentions it. If his looks faded over time I don't think it would bother me much, but if he became less kind caring and affectionate it would have a huge impact on our relationship.

I have always found that when I get to know someone really well and have feelings for them, be that a friend or lover, I sort of become blind to what they look like. Even the most beautiful person can be utterly tainted by a nasty personality.

Quite right AF.

Just like most men don't leave their wives for someone 30 years younger just because they are biologically programmes to find fertile women attractive.

Its just the shit ones that do, the others can use their brain too.

fortyplus my point was that, according to the OP, my lardarse weight (compared to hypothetical friend) shows I've "let myself go." However, I believe that I make an effort with my appearance. Hypothetical friend is presumably an ideal weight,(according to the OP) yet couldn't care less about the rest of the package.
Yet according to the pejorative language used by the OP, I am the one who needs to pay more attention to my appearance.

None of us remain the same.
Even those who remain slim will age, so even though I have kept my post pregnancy weight, I won't pretend my breasts remain the same or I have no wrinkles.
Tis life.

OP I'm afriad you are no friend and no feminist...which if you knew me, means I couldn't have a poorer view of you.

Of course any man would notice if you go up 2 dress sizes, AF, that's loads. Most just won't tell you because they can't be arsed with the grief they would get if they did.

I can't believe this thread. Why isn't it all right to say to someone, I love you very much but you've porked up a bit, stop eating all the pies for a bit?

Hully gully, because your language is why not.

"sat around his way into slobby fatness?"
"porked up a bit, stop eating all the pies for a bit"

I can't begin to tell you how sanctimonious, offensive and downright unpleasant you sound.

It appears that for some (men and women), someone's weight is an excuse to make moral judgements and general trot about on your high horse about your obvious superiority.

Gently encouraging someone to do more exercise or eat more healthily (whatever your motives) is one thing, but this playground ridicule of people's appearance is not.

Don't be silly.

It's not making fun of someone's appearance, it's using humorous language to keep it in perspective.

There is nothing wrong in saying to one's spouse that they need to address their body.

In the same way there is nothing wrong with saying that perhaps they should drink a little less, or stop smoking, maybe knock heroin on th ehead (oh sorry, another little joke).

Hully, we clearly feel differently.

Your language may be humorous but it reveals your underlying contempt for people who don't conform to your world view. And it is belittling and condescending. Fine for people on here I suppose but woe betide you if you ever used that kind of language to someone you cared about.

And the drinking, smoking, drug use thing. If you thought it was detrimental to their health or well being and they were your spouse, then you could say something. But 'porking up a bit' is by and large not in this category and, for the purposes of this argument, we are discussing merely aesthetic.

So if they wanted to have their entire face pierced, would thta be all right?

the thing is, saying someone has let themselves (ie, their whole self) go just because they've put 2 stone on is an extremely shallow way to judge a person.

Someone can be pretty, clever, sexy, kind, attractive, passionate, assertive, confident, compassionate - yet if they put weight on, they are somehow, paradoxically, reducing themselves, letting themselves 'go'.

I don't see it. Why don't we consider someone turning into a selfish fuckwit to be letting themself go? What about someone who doesn't change at all physically but doesn't bother doing anything with their children any more, or who doesn't stick up for the things they used to be passionate about? Why haven't they 'let themselves go'?

There is more to somoene than the size of their arse.

I had a baby 14 months ago and am quite overweight at the moment.

If DH told spoke to me in the way some posters have described I would be gutted and lose all respect for him.

afwiw, I have mentioned about me being over weight to DH and he says he fancys me as much as ever!

colditz, those points you make are really rather good

"let themselves go" is just an expression that applies to that particular brand of not bothering much. I consider the other things you have listed equally worthy of comment in a partner and/or friend.

And let us speak truth - perhaps the very occasional person has a "thyroid condition," the rest of us (and I include myself)eat too much and do too little. Therefore it is fair to suggest that remedying this imbalance might be in order.

And, btw, I am not interested in having a row about it all, I just don't see why fat gets a Get Out of Jail Card. It is inconsistent.

And why should fat be 'in jail'?

I think her DH's comment was disgusting. Fair enough encouraging her to look her best but he was insensitive and nasty. I can also see both sides but very little of the DH's and quite alot more of your friends.

Ok, you enjoy now!

And saying that I can see the DH's side I only mean in a encouraging her to look her best sort of way not that he was in the right in any way shape or form. And it shouldn't matter what he looks like, if he wants to keep in shape then thats good for him but he married his wife I am assuming because he loved HER not her body on its own.

Poor woman, glad I don't have her husband or friend.

Hully, how can you be so cruel, cruel I say!

Oh that you were to know, truly know the horror of not being able to control ones pie intake.

I still want an answer to the facial piercings.

If you love the inner person, is it okay if they decide to go off and have 37 piercings in their face? It's still them.